Of Sound Mind

I just want to be healthy.

Everything I am responsible for stems off of a healthy Me. How can I feed the family healthfully yet inexpensively? How can I strengthen my muscles to better support my joints? Where is that happy medium between working out enough and overdoing it? I'm struggling to figure that out and I've been looking for answers for over six years. I just want to be healthy.

However I found myself these past years not so much searching for what I had intended; I was searching for a cure. I've tried alternative medicine and treatments, I've put all kinds of pharmaceuticals into my body, I've tried diet, exercise, singing Kumbaya until my face was blue. Nothing worked! It's only recently that I realized the difference between working with what I've got versus forcing my body to work like a "normal" person's body.. If you can't beat it, join it! Or something along that lines.

Just because I have these problems doesn't mean I can't be healthy. By saying to myself "I'm sick, I can't do that," I just set myself up to fail. I've quit before I've even tried. Wow, how many cool things have I missed out on because of negative thinking? Sure, I probably can't stand in general admission at a rock concert anymore but I can do other things. It's about being realistic and surrounding myself with the right support system. I can't run a mile right now but maybe I could work up to it someday. I can't clean all my house in one day either but I can clean one room a day. It's about setting realistic goals that build off one another.

But there is also a flip side to this: If I do all these things I supposedly shouldn't be able to do, people will think I'm lying about having these conditions. Now let me just stop you here and I'll reiterate that statement: If I stay active, exercise, and participate in life, people will think I'm lying about having RA, Hashimoto's, Fibromyalgia, TMJ and Endometriosis. This sounds absolutely crazy but these worries come from learned experience. Let me explain. In the past I went through a phase where I could do a lot socially and then my body rebelled; I'd make plans and have to break them. A LOT. A group of friends I was hanging out with called me a liar (in a round-about, passive-aggressive way) and I lost a whole group of friends over it. They didn't believe that I could go out to eat after a 9 hour work day last month but have to break off plans to see a movie or attend an event the next month. After a few times of having to cancel due to pure exhaustion and pain, there was an ugly confrontation. So in the back of my mind I have been closing myself off from people so they WON'T ask me to do anything. That way I don't risk them thinking I am a liar if and when I have to cancel on them. Maybe that's not something I should actively worry about but the experience has stuck with me.

I just want to be healthy. And instead of searching the ends of the Earth for my "holy grail" in the form of a miracle cure, maybe it's better just to be. This is my new self, for better or worse, and it's not always great but it's not always horrible. And if I can do one thing today and not tomorrow, to hell with what others think. If they can't be bothered to get educated on what I deal with every day, then they aren't my friends. I can be a healthy person who has RA, Hashimoto's, Fibromyalgia, TMJ and Endometriosis.

Tune in later this week when I recap the Shredder Weekend in Chicago that I attended last weekend! It was a great trip and very enlightening, as well as motivating. Have a good Monday, tschus!

Week 4, Days 4-7 + 1

I have been terrible about keeping this up and I'm so mad at myself! But I do have a good excuse! ELSA. Haha, that kid is pretty demanding. And she's cutting two molars which SUCKS. She's pretty cranky and since she learned to throw baby tantrums (arching her back and screaming when you try to pick her up)I haven't had much time to shower, let alone blog. Blogging takes thinking and at least attempts at sentence structure and grammar. My brain cells last week were few. But at least this week the hubby isn't traveling so Week 5 will be better, blog-wise.

So anyways, about Week 4! Week 4 asks for a lot more cardio and you do see more carbs here and there to help with that. Although according to my very grumpy husband, there weren't enough carbs. Since he has a pretty packed workday, every day, he hasn't been able to eat all his snacks and wasn't eating enough. I did pretty well sticking to the plan all week, except for the days when my body hurt too much to do the workouts.

In the last four weeks I have lost 8.5 pounds! WOW! It would have been more had I not pigged out the week of Thanksgiving and gained back a pound. But who cares, this is still amazing. I've never been on a plan that: 1)I didn't quit after it got hard, and, 2)actually worked despite being on Prednisone. Normally the Prednisone cravings are so intense for carbs that I end up caving in and pigging out. Also it really does help to get all the bad stuff out of the house. I did make a small pan of brownies during Aunt Flo's regular visit and we ate them with glee and guilt. But we didn't gain any weight! And since it was a small amount, they were gone and out of the house quickly. Last night we ate raw veggies with humus with our meal and it tasted so damn good. I think when you stop eating all the crap, you start to really taste things again. You savor your food more.

So why +1 in the title? Well I think Dr. Smith is jammed with emails and I haven't received Week 5 yet, but I hope to get it today. So I'm just doing over the Week 4 meals until I receive this week's plan. I will report on my experiences as soon as I can.

Well the little BOSS is awake so I better get a bottle ready and go get her. Have a great day!

Week 4, Day 2 and 3

On Day 2 I felt like Superwoman. I was doing this and I was doing that, and then I did some more. I felt like I didn't have any illnesses and I was a normal, healthy person again! Until late afternoon. The aches and pains hit me pretty hard and I walked around like the living dead, doped on pain killers and muscle relaxers, cooking dinner for Elsa and playing with her. Luckily I got to talk to my mother in law for an hour which helped to wake me up. We always commiserate together and she's a great source of support for me. What a wonderful woman!

The menu on Day 2 felt less filling to me than Day 1. I think the diet switches things up so much so your body doesn't get used to getting the same kinds of foods every day. And let me tell you, you are not eating exotic foods. I'm talking oatmeal, fruit, vegetables, lean protein. You can drink protein shakes and I buy the generic ones from Target, Special K or the ones from Unikey Health, which are my favorite.

So if you are reading this and wondering if you can do this program, the answer is YES. You can preorder the book and it's under $20. Seriously, get on it!

I hate feeling like this but it could be worse. I just got to make sure I rest today and hopefully tomorrow I will feel better. I'm just going to go ahead and include today, Day 3, since I know I will just be following the diet, trying to drink lots of water and sitting my ass on the chair. Here's to hoping Day 4 is more exciting! Tschus!

Week 3, Days 4-5

Damn, where does the time go? I'm behind again but that's ok. Not much to report other than I did well on the last two days. Day 5 was especially good because I got all my meals and snacks in ON TIME and I ate what I was supposed to eat. Hooray for me! I also added in sit-ups to Day 5 because I am not sure cardio will eliminate my baby belly without some added toning exercises.

So notice this post is around 4AM? Yep, insomnia. This time I was awoken by three lovely things: a full bladder from trying to incorporate more water into my diet, a sinus headache from the dry air, and terrible aches and pains in my body, especially my back.

Here is the difference between a Fibromyalgia person and a regular one. A regular person will work out, feel tired, but great, and sleep pretty well in the night. He/she may rise in the morning feeling very stiff and maybe even sore, but nothing more than a reminder of the previous day's awesome workout. A Fibromyalgia person will work out, probably do some stretches in the hope for less pain later, will go to bed exhausted and toss and turn most of the night. He/she may even get up in the night to walk around, stretch, and/or take some pain reliever. I'm currently in front of the fireplace, covered up and waiting for my ibuprofen and muscle relaxer to kick in. I actually went to bed rejecting taking my pain killer and muscle relaxer because I felt pretty good and didn't want to be all doped up. I probably should have taken it, in hindsight.

This just reminds me why it's so hard to lead a "normal" life with these conditions. At least it's tough for me to get through it. I've always said I can do anything with a good night's sleep. And it's true. I feel so much better if I have slept well through the night. Last night it was a crying baby that woke me up and then I couldn't go back to sleep. This time it's my body being a big baby that is keeping me up. But at least I found time to get this blog post in! I'm finally feeling a little groggy and debating going back to bed or sacking out on the couch so I don't wake up my spouse. *sigh* Maybe he'll let me sleep in by taking care of the baby.

On to Day 6, my friends. Almost to the half-way point of this 6 week journey! Tschus.

Week 1, Day 2

Another day done! I can't believe I'm going to do this dieting/food behavior modification thing for 6 weeks. Forty two blog posts. Yikes.

I took my "before" photos finally today. I figured it's not too late to get those done just in case. Just in case I actually lose these 20 pounds for good. I have to say that many people tell me I don't need to lose weight. But I'm very skinny up top and too round on the bottom. For vanity reasons, health reasons (belly fat inches almost the same as my hips and my poor, poor knees), and because I really want to be able to wear all the size 10 jeans in my closet, I've taken up this weight loss challenge. So here I am. My before pictures.

I don't think anyone's "before" pictures are attractive, so I'll give myself a break. And my post-pregnancy belly is really bringing me down. But I'm hopeful I can look AND feel better soon!

I have to say that Dr. Ian is very good about communicating with all of us Shredders. He responds to Facebook posts and emails as much as he can. I think he's a really great person and his enthusiasm is contagious. I want this and I believe it's obtainable. I just need to stay focused! Doing the 45 minutes of cardio today was BRUTAL. I had to stop and re-start a lot. I am pretty fatigued now and took it easy for the rest of the day. Also my jaw problems are worse and I had to alter the prescribed diet to just liquid foods. I just can't chew much more than bread. Hopefully the dentist tomorrow will give me some ideas on how to feel better.

My baby girl and I played a bit this afternoon. She's amazing and what better motivation than her? Have a good evening and wish me luck on the next forty days! Tschus.

Posse: Assembled

I finally have my post-natal support team assembled! I've visited with my rheumatologist, my counselor and now my pain doctor, as well as my OBGYN of course. All my conditions have been addressed and I'm ready to tackle them once EK gets here.

The last to get on team Bex was my pain doctor. Since I haven't been there in a while, they made me take a drug test. I'm 9+ months pregnant and taking a drug test. It was a little weird but I understand where they are coming from. And since I disclosed everything I do take, nothing illegal or of a narcotic nature, I had nothing to hide. Still, I had an initial reaction of "Really?"

I'm not sure how so many people are abusing prescription pain killers. They don't make it easy to get a hold of them. And in my state, the pharmacies are able to track controlled prescriptions so you can't fill in one place, get another 'script and fill again somewhere else. Yet I still read articles about how people are OD'ing on prescription drugs and how states want to further regulate their use. And from what I have read on this issue, it's not the pain patients who are abusing the drugs. It's people who steal/buy/obtain pain medication without medical need for it. So to combat the addicts who don't need these drugs, we punish the people who do. Isn't that great? I say we legalize marijuana, even though apparently that is the first most abused drug in our nation. At some point, people need to learn to be responsible. If you are going to abuse drugs, you run the risk of killing yourself. I hate to be so cold-hearted, but when someone's addiction directly affects your life, you tend to get bitter and resentful.

Well now, I didn't mean to hop up on a soapbox. I'll go through the hoops because I am not abusing the system. It sucks and it means a lot more driving around, but I will do whatever I have to in order to keep active.

I'm so relieved and thankful to have everything I need all set up and ready to go. Some family members on both sides are facing health issues right now and we are worried for them. But we are thinking positive for everyone and praying for good outcomes. Nothing like a little stress right at the end, eh? :)

Al and Jane say it best

"In life you have to do a lot of things you don't fucking want to do. Many times, that's what the fuck life is... one vile fucking task after another." -Al Swearengen, Deadwood.

Life isn't always this dramatic or shitty but it certainly can be a challenge. I've been dealing with depression all of my life. I can remember it being bad as far back as 5th grade, when I was a super dorky outcast in my school who had no friends. I even wrote in my diary about how I wished I was dead. Not very chipper! Every time I've tried counseling, I have always quit when it became too painful.

Things changed with my various conditions and issues. Anxiety is now a part of this whole vicious circle. When the pain gets bad, I get anxious because I can't do things like work, clean house, take the dogs for a walk, etc. Then I get depressed, the pain gets worse and things just go from there. I started to really feel out of control when I found out about the pregnancy. All the doubts I've had about myself are amplified now that I know a little human is going to rely on me for everything. Talk about pressure!

I saw a new counselor today who specializes in chronic illnesses. She told me that there are upsides to being chronically ill. I just stared at her and though, ok I'll bite. So I asked her what could possibly be good about it?? She told me that people who face chronic pain and sickness often have more wisdom and patience than those who are healthy. She said we have a different perspective that can be helpful sometimes. I didn't get to discuss this at length with her, as we had a lot to talk about. But perhaps she is right. Maybe we stop and smell the roses a little more than other people? And maybe we appreciate those little things more, like a sunny day, a walk around the neighborhood, a successful outing with friends. I can see how I have more patience now then I did when I was younger and healthier. Now when things turn out less than perfect, I don't get as upset as much or as quickly as I used to. So what? Things have been worse. And probably will be again. No sweat! And sometimes I sit and listen to people's problems and I can instantly see how they are being too hard on themselves. We are indeed, our own worst critics.

I guess I've never looked at things this way before. That doesn't make the frustration, anger and sadness go away instantly. But it helps a little.

There are other things I need to work through but the immediate need is to find ways not to let depression and anxiety take over when my pain flares up. It's so hard because before the pregnancy, it was a cycle of horrible endometrial pain, followed by a fibromyalgia flare and the aches and pains of arthritis thrown into the mix. By the time the cycle had finished, my period would start again. It is hard even for someone who isn't a pessimist like myself to look on the bright side during all that. And I'd get so tired of people saying that even though I feel horrible, at least I look good! Oh yes, because that's all that matters to me. That I look pretty some times. Jeezus.

People who know me in person know that I am no hippy. I don't care for herbal medicine, mainly because I've tried so many things and made myself sicker in the process. However I am pretty excited that this counselor is going to teach me relaxation techniques. When you are experiencing tremendous pain, your body tends to tighten up everywhere. Pretty soon you notice that while the pain started in your gut, for example, it is now radiating all over your back and neck. I'm hoping that this will prevent the spread of pain from tension and stress.

So here I go, back on the emotional roller coaster. Instead of gritting my jaw and pushing down all those fears and anxieties, I'm back to facing them head on. Who knows how long this will take but I'll be damned if I let this shit threaten my relationships anymore. Especially little EK who needs me to be as healthy as I can be, mentally and physically. I want to be ok with the fact that some days I have to be loaded up on pain killers, resting on the couch and letting my kid watch a cartoon, no matter what the American Academy of Pediatrics says right now. Maybe it's just retraining myself to let go of the desire to be a perfectionist in many areas of my life.

I'll just end this now with another quote from one of my other favorite characters from the show Deadwood. Have a great evening, tschus.

"Them what gets cured by Calamity Jane STAYS fuckin' cured."

Tired, tired, tired

It's been a rough couple of weeks. Nothing major but just having a hard time sleeping because of the aches and pains. I find that the RA is flaring up in my face of all places, specifically my jaw. It's hard to eat and laying on my side aggravates it too. But you are supposed to lay on your side so what are ya gonna do? Maybe one of those fancy foam pillows would help.

Also, I did a maternity photo shoot the other day and felt pretty great afterwards, confident that I hadn't overdone it. Wrong. I woke up the next day hardly able to move. From my neck down to my calves, it was nothing but a giant ache. Dinner plans were canceled, I soaked in Epsom salts, put a heating pad on my back and followed up with ice. It got a little better but dumb ass me, in an effort to be all natural on my woes, I took a couple fish oil pills yesterday evening. Wow, big mistake. I forgot how that stuff stimulates the brain! It completely counteracted the sleep medication I take each night. I should have slept hard but instead I didn't feel sleepy all night. I just laid on the couch, dozing every so often. I did get a couple hours of sleep in the morning and another 45 minute nap later today so I guess that's good. I forgot how sensitive my brain is to certain things. Thank you Fibromyalgia. Or should I say, Fuck you.

Another day of Zombie Bex.

I'm not really sure why, maybe it's because of a couple comments I've read here and there, but I feel almost completely disassociated with my former social circles, online and in person. I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere, or maybe I'm too tired to try anymore. It doesn't help that I feel unable to form a creative thought anymore. Maybe that goes away with the pregnancy, who knows. I think the other part of it is that I feel like a big Nobody. I don't want to be just a mom. I want to be a mom who writes, who creates, who has her own interests. Whenever I talk about that, I get so much resistance from people. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "your life ends when your baby's is born." "All you are is her mom now and when she's off to college, you can do XYZ."

So tell me this: why? Is this really how life has to be or is that how some people chose or allowed their lives to be and therefore they perpetuate that crap in order to make themselves feel better? I don't know. I certainly expect her first few years to be very demanding. She is going to need her dad and me a lot because she cannot take care of herself. And I'm going to want to be with her a lot, to experience all those firsts with her.

But her life can be incorporated with my own interests too. She can go on hikes with me. She can go to petting zoos, family days at museums, watch movies, volunteer with the dogs, etc. I think back to when I was a full time step-mom to a 3 1/2 year old. We did lots of fun things together in those 8 years. Certainly kids have a short attention span and you may not get to do everything you want to do when you go out, and you need to incorporate kid friendly activities on your outings, but it is definitely not an either/or lifestyle.

Hell, I finished college and went through graduate school while taking care of a kid. If I choose to go back to school when EK is older, I think that's quite doable. I think everything is easier when you only have one child. Maybe people are thinking of their lives after having more than one kid. Either way, I think the comments along the line of "you will have no life once you have a child" are really negative and unnecessary. And to be honest, I've kind of quit talking to a quite a few people because of this. I'm not mad at anyone but I just don't know how to respond. (I realize this is my fault. I shouldn't let what others say affect me. Different opinions shouldn't bring me down.)

I have some ideas of things I can do that aren't very consuming but will give me immense satisfaction. Once my MIL moves up here, I think I will be able to take about 4 hours a week to do these things. I don't need to be super mom with a big career, trying to do it all. I'm just asking for some time to nurture myself so I can be a better wife and mother. If I just live for other people, who am I? A Stepford wife? I don't know, but what I do feel is that I won't like that person very much.

That being said, I'm so excited to see this baby. Every week when I see her on the ultrasound, I get a little giddy. Last week I cried when I could see her face on the screen. I just never thought this would be possible. I can't wait to see her personality come out, to teach her how to nurture her own interests and talents. How to be a strong woman while facing so many issues on the road to adulthood. We'll play silly games, make up songs and watch cartoons. I'll teach her to bake and cook, to find cool rocks when we're out on walks...all kinds of fun stuff. And I'm sure there will be a lot of days when my body is not going to do jack shit and I'll have to lay on the fucking couch all day. But I'm hoping she will dig watching old Scooby Doo eps or putting puzzles together so mommy can rest. I guess we'll just see how it goes.

I'll end this emo post with a sneak preview of my photo proofs from this week. I am trying to choose five to have edited and am having a hard time narrowing it down. I really wanted something fun, different and pin up for my maternity pictures. Here are a couple that I like.

*Photos are unedited and taken by Vixen Pin Up Photography. All rights for use and distribution are held by Vixen.

Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow and this isn't how things are to be for the next 9 weeks!! Have a good 'un. Tschus.

To the future Bex: A reminder

Well I haven't felt much like blogging these days. There are a few reasons, mostly revolving around an extreme paranoia of being judged as a bad mom or as a whiny idiot.

But I thought I should record some of this in the event I ever get crazy enough to consider being pregnant again, not that I made a conscience decision this time to do it.

About two weeks ago I noticed the joints of my knees really grinding together and causing pain. I attributed it to the walks I enjoy taking when I feel well. Then the weather got cold and the pain started radiating through my fingers. Ankles came next, then the hips. I have a lot of swelling especially in my legs after I am on my feet for a while or I go for walks. So I went back to the Rheumatologist who told me around 50% of women with RA go into remission during pregnancy. Umm, that's great...for THEM. I'm back on steroids now and am feeling insanely hungry again. Not just sort of hungry. But ravenous! Add that to the second trimester cravings and you have a crazy eating machine.

So when my body goes through a painful flare, I find that unconsciously I change my posture to compensate for the pain in my joints. Therefore I'm carrying my body unnaturally, putting strain on my muscles. That in turn causes a fibromyalgia flare and now just putting the tiniest pressure on my muscles causes a very painful response. Fucking hell!

Try explaining this to your doctors who already treat every pain patient like a junkie hypochondriac. Add a pregnancy in that and you have the air of a preggo pain pill addict looking for a fix. It took me all day to explain to the OB nurse yesterday that I already had some mild pain pills and are they safe to take at this stage in the pregnancy until this flare goes away? She thought I was looking for a prescription and told me to call my Rheumatologist. I don't want a prescription, I just want to know if what I have is safe to take. If I was addicted to the damn things, I wouldn't have any left because I would have taken them all by now. I've had them for 5 months!

I think I'll go back to the pain doctor because perhaps he can at least prescribe massages and maybe that's covered by insurance. I don't know, hopefully there is something safe and natural I can do to help this if the flare doesn't resolve itself soon. Plus I'll give this prenatal yoga dvd a try.

I know as a pregnant woman I have much more at stake than just my own health. I'm asking questions, not taking anything unless I have to and only if one of my doctors tells me it's ok. And I understand why pregnant women are told to suck it up when they have aches and pains. But what if you have chronic pain and then get pregnant? How do you "suck it up?" What if you are part of the 50% who do not go into remission?

I hate people, especially those in positions of authority over others who view things in a black and white context. Can you tell I'm frustrated?

In other news, to the future Bex, at least the nausea is pretty much gone. I can eat all kinds of foods now instead of broiled chicken and rice. My belly is starting to pop out and I've put back on the few pounds that I lost.

Six more months to go. Hopefully this flare will go away soon and I'll be pain free for a few months, until I'm too huge to be comfortable. I know I can do this, I just wish I felt that I had more support. No one really understands. I don't blame them for not getting it but I hate to be dismissed.

Anyways, my fingers are killing me so I'll stop here. So future me, when you have this cute, wriggling little being in your arms and think awwww that wasn't so bad, well just remember ADOPTION. Also I'd like to throw in the word VASECTOMY too. And remember the PREGNANCY RAGE you experienced as well as the explosive DIARRHEA and intense DRY HEAVING. It will all be worth it future Bex, but perhaps the aforementioned ADOPTION will be best if you two crazy cats want more kids.

Lesson learned

Don't post anything deeply personal on Facebook. (And let me just preface this by saying yes, I understand the irony of revealing my inner demons on this blog. But I'm counting on the fact that not too many of you read this. Haha.)

Yesterday I posted, and later deleted, a comment about how I have started applying for disability benefits. Wow, talk about begging to be judged! Silly me, I thought people had been paying attention to the last 4 years worth of posts about endometriosis, autoimmune disease, chronic pain, surgeries, pain pills, physical therapy, etc. I believe that people in general use Facebook to gravitate towards the drama. It's like they zero in on the posts that will make them GASP! and make snap judgments about others. At the very least, that is the only content that they choose to remember.

I had some people post their questions and opinions about the process. In response to a question, I had posted that education is taken into consideration because the more you have, the government feels that you are more likely to be retrained for a different occupation. Therefore my master's degree level of learning could make it harder for me to be approved for benefits. Then again, my health history may eventually win out on that tid bit of information, but this thread was merely conversational and informational.

A well intentioned commenter then posted, asking hadn't I considered or researched ways to be retrained? Surely I would rather be able to do SOMETHING? It would make me feel so much better if I did something.

No. No I just decided one day that I hated my profession (I profession I dedicated myself to since my first museum job at 17) and rather then switch careers, I'd rather just pretend to be sick all the time, waste thousands of dollars on doctors (who I have all fooled with my blood tests, symptoms and x-rays) and then sit on my ass all day feeling sorry for myself while collecting a check from the government. That is SO much easier then changing jobs. And it is so easy to apply for benefits. Why, you just fill out a quick form and BAM! Instant money! Yeah, that's how it works. You don't have to subject every facet of your life to government scrutiny, going through several denials only to get a trial about two years from your filing date.

Sorry for the anger and sarcasm. I have been trying to figure out how to feel better since at least 2006. I mean, aggressively so. I have been going to doctors constantly, I have received diagnoses, and I am trying to find combinations of treatment to help myself. I spent two years at my last job working a modified schedule, removing myself from the really intense physical labor that we sometimes experienced when putting up and taking down exhibits and moving collections. And guess what? Sitting at a desk was painful for me too. I had intense pain in my muscles, from my neck to my rear end. I tried to make my work station more ergonomic, to lessen stress on myself. Nothing worked. I got up and moved every so often, which helped but it didn't stop the fact that I had about two days of 8 hour work and by the third day I could not get out of bed.

Here is another way to look at: I have multiple, chronic conditions. It's akin to a forest fire. A small fire starts, it gathers force and you have to fight it. You put all your resources into smothering the fire and trying to prevent it from coming back. By the time it's under control, you realize that two more small flames have started in other parts of your forest. But one of them is near a housing development so you race over to that one and work on putting that flame out first. Halfway through this new battle, you look over at the concurrent cluster-fuck of fire on the other side of the forest and realize that one is way out of control now so you give up on the yuppie housing complex and let it just go to shit. Now you've run over to the other fire and work to put that out, looking up occasionally to see the other two fires now raging out of control. And this is how life is. Constantly trying to put down a flare only to find that another one, or two, has erupted.

So tell me, what the fuck should I retrain to do? Don't answer that. Because chances are, I've thought of it. I've tried it. I've researched into it. I hope that one day, I can experience less pain, a lot more energy and I dunno, go back to work at least part time. Or feel confident that I am healthy enough to start a family and be able to give time, love and energy to a child. Wouldn't that be swell? As opposed to getting "free" money from the government, at 1/3 of my former salary, because that is such a better alternative.

However, since the disability process can take two years, because they will undoubtedly deny me at the first two levels of application and because I can't work a regular schedule, I need to start this application now. I need to at least try to find a way to bring in extra money to help us afford all my medications and medical appointments. I need to plan for the worst case scenario, which is that I won't return to work.

So my life lesson this week is to not put anything as serious and personal as this on FB. Unless I want ignorant comments and then be put in the position to tell someone to fuck off or to sit there and defend myself. I'll save this journey for my blog, where I can type out everything I'm experiencing and feeling. Because of the blog, art and my photos, I've been able to help others who also are struggling. That in itself is worth continuing my ranting/blathering/babbling.

My suggestion to all those who find themselves wanting to make a judgmental or ignorant comment to someone going through something you know nothing about: get educated. If you want to support your friend, then find out what he or she is going through. You are already on the internet, fingers posed on the "comment" field. So why not take a minute to google your friend's condition? Then after you read a few pages on what it's all about, then go ahead and see if your comment still applies. I will help you in regard to my own issues. Here is a pretty interesting and not too technical study about the link between endometriosis and autoimmune disease, as well as fibromyalgia, allergies and chronic fatigue (all things I experience).

If you've read this far, thank you. I feel better having vented that steam. Tschus.

Observations on exercise, or: Why I feel so damn old

I've noticed a few things since resuming my exercise goals. When you have chronic health issues, you sometimes have different experiences when working out. (*I am not a doctor, even after staying at a Holiday Inn. These are my experiences.)

So far I've noticed that my muscles are firmer, more toned. I think it's safe to say that doing circuit training with the 3 lbs weights isn't enough and I need to move up to 5 lbs. (I'm Xena!) I am also able to push myself to walk farther. My moods are a lot better because of the natural serotonin boost and because I'm getting out of the house more. These are all the positives I've noticed.

The negative side effects for me so far: I have a hard time sleeping. Seems counter-intuitive, right? Most people workout during the day and feel relaxed and tired at night. Working out seems to exacerbate my insomnia. It doesn't matter if I work out in the morning or in the afternoon. Also, my muscles ache; not in the post-workout way, but in the fibromyalgia-flare way. I think this is a contributor to my insomnia. And crunches aggravate the scar tissue in my abdomen. Lastly, my weight goes up when I workout.

Weight today 166.5. This is down a bit from yesterday and it still could be cyclical.

One of my experiences with fibromyalgia is constant insomnia. As some of you know, fibro makes your nerves oversensitive and you feel pain at a higher intensity than normal people. Insomnia is a symptom of all the fucked up nerves. From what I can tell, working out has stimulated my nerves enough to fight off the Ambien each night. I'm hoping this is temporary but I think I'll go see my neurologist anyways. Also, the fibro flares up when I workout and at night the stiffness really sets in. I am faithfully taking calcium and magnesium to help with this but that only seems to be enough when I'm sedentary. I'm going to try a hot bath and stretching before bed to see if that helps.

I believe the weight gain is my muscles retaining water. Maybe the water retention is adding to the aches? I have no idea. My jeans are tighter so it's not as if I'm losing fat and gaining muscle. This has to be water weight.

In an irrational state, I felt like giving this all up and going back to being a couch zombie. I know in the long run that all this shit will be worth it. I want to be able to fill the humidifier without straining under the weight. I want to be able to safely help my old dog into the car so she doesn't hurt herself. It would also be nice to increase my stamina so I can attend events for a longer period of time before pain and exhaustion set in. In short, I'm not giving up like I have so many times in the past.

To try to prevent strain on my body, I'm mostly walking and doing a few of the circuit training dvds 2-3 times a week.

Apologies if this all seems rather boring and repetitive. I'm hoping that by chronicling this information, I will be able to recognize improvements/mistakes down the road. Thanks to those who have read this far. And double thanks to anyone who cares to share their experiences. Tschus.

PS

Simpson Couch-Zombies

December re-cap

The end is nigh.  End of the year, anyways.  I hope everyone had a lovely holiday.   We really didn't do much as money is tight and family were unable to be with us. But it was a very nice Christmas and the first in our new house!

I thought I'd share some photos from the last few weeks.  I'll narrate here and there so it's not too terribly boring!Two rats are still with us. This might be it for small critters but I always say that, and then we get more. Anyways, they are fun to watch and play with. These two are super tame and love to be held and crawl all over you. The enjoy climbing into my cleavage and peeking out of my shirt. Scamps.



This is Ashley, albeit a bit blurry.



This is Samus and she is Ash's sister. They were enjoying some rat croissants. Yes, they are little croissant crackers for rats.



Here is my attempt at photographing Tobin in low light/Christmas tree lights. He won't sit still and you can't go near him without him trying to cover you in his saliva. He also has a whip-like tail and when he walks past the tree, he catches ornaments on his tail. Then he runs around the house, whipping everyone and everything with plastic ornaments. I tried to get pictures of that too but by the time I grab the camera, the ornament comes loose and launches through the air. It's very entertaining.



Normally this is what Tobin is doing, when he's not licking. Patton has taken to grabbing Tobin's neck and legs in his jaws. This inevitably leads to an ass kicking since Patton is half Tobin's size.





More common dog scenes in the house.







Horace, the big black lab/chow/retriever mix, came to spend the holidays with us. I got an email asking for a five day foster home and felt that we can handle one more just for a few days. Other than some mild dog aggression and marking a few spots in the house, he was pretty fun to have around. Since it was our first foster situation, we learned a lot. Horr'y is now at a prison in Missouri where he is being housed with and trained by an inmate. When he's done he is going to a retriever rescue in Colorado where he will hopefully find a new home soon. We might see Horr'y again when he comes back through on his way to CO. It was a rewarding experience but things got hectic at times. Luckily we have the fenced yard where everyone can go and I got some quiet time.



Christmas was good. Ron was happy to get some ham since I don't eat pork anymore. Here he is celebrating and coveting his pig meat. "Ron, come get some ham!!!"



This is normally what Sadie does while we cook.



We also exchanged gifts and Ron got me a topless pinup ornament. It's actually a nice, glass one. I had never heard of Pornaments before and thought it was pretty funny. Plus it fit in with all the pinup stuff I did all year.



I got Ron a Metalocolypse shirt to go with the first season on DVD.





It was also a good year for geek gifts. Ron got me a Bruce Campbell tshirt and a shirt and mug from blog of Hyperbole and a Half. (Thanks Andy for turning me onto that blog. I have laughed a lot while reading her posts!)

I also got Ron season 2 of Red vs Blue and Red Dead Redemption for the Xbox. We having played Red Dead yet but hopefully later today.



The last few weeks I've had an influx on orders through my Etsy site. I had a stroke of luck when someone received one of my pieces through her secret santa. She was so happy that she shared it on Reddit and I got orders from that. Thankfully due to those orders and some subversive ornaments I sold, I was able to order a low-priced sewing machine. Next up, geek pillows! (Once I figure out how to run a sewing machine.)

Annnnnnnnd I'm almost completely off my fibromyalgia medicine. I was supposed to get off it if I got pregnant. And well, that happened and we all know how that turned out. But since I had started tapering down, I thought I'd just keep going. I'm down to half a pill every other day. If I'm spaced out, crabby or in pain, that's why. I hope once I get used to not being on it again, things will even out. Right now I am having a hard time concentrating and have pain in my jaw, legs, back, etc. I have some pain meds but they make me dizzy and make concentrating even harder. I'll have to figure out if, after the withdrawal, I feel better or worse being on the pills. Trial and error I guess.

So LAST f'in thing and I'll quit typing. It's Sadie's birthday today! She's 14 years old. I have no idea how much longer she will keep going but she is such a big part of our lives. She's always been there for me during my first year away from home, a marriage, divorce, remarriage, all my surgeries and health woes, hiking camping, driving thousands of miles, moving to different states, etc. I hope she stays with us for as long as possible!



That's a lot to read and if you are still with me, thanks for going through this post. I suppose if I blog more often, there wouldn't be so much to post at one time. Anyways, have a lovely post holiday week!

Tschus!

More pinups, but first, the art museum

What a week!  The weekend was great.  I attended an art lecture with a dear friend and we strolled through the galleries afterwards. It's such a nice, calming place to be. I took a few photos:









Photography is allowed as long as you don't use a flash. Use a flash and the docents will descend upon you with open, ravenous jaws.

I managed to paint some of the guest bathroom. It looks rather streaky right now but will be better once I get a second coat up. I'll post pics when it's done. I had an inkling that painting would be a pain in the ass but no idea it would cause the arthritis and fibro shit to flare up so badly. But that is ok, I have time to do all this. I would like to be able to unpack everything and put them away but it's hard to justify unpacking all the china cabinet only to have to repack it so I can paint behind the cabinet. Or bookshelves. Or *insert piece of furniture here* I did hang up some things in my art/rat room because I know it will be while before I paint in there.

We also got out last night for a bit. It was the 2011 Vixen Calendar release party and Miss Vixen Pinup pageant. Since a friend was competing, I really wanted to be there to support her as well as the lovely ladies behind the calendar's creation. It was super fun as the local burlesque troupe mc'd (sp) and performed. Even though we had to leave a little early, we had a really good time! I was super surprised to see they included one of my photos in their back page. I'm a back page calendar girl! Hahaa, I love it. I am so touched and happy! A year ago I never could have predicted all of this: quitting my job, modeling as a pinup, holding firm to my true self. But here I am. To be sure, I haven't handled everything as well as I could and I've made mistakes. But I'm learning and moving forward. Doing the pinup modeling has really been a boost to my self confidence. And it has introduced me to some awesome people and I keep meeting new friends with every event I attend. So if you want to help support the women who have been such an inspiration to me, as well as help out some great animal groups, you can order calendars from Pinups For Pit Bulls and Vixen Pinup Photography.





That's about it for now. Between painting and shuffling boxes, I'm working as fast as I can to finish a new cross stitch for another swap. It's a fun piece and I can't wait to post it. Until then, tschus!

A conglomeration of shit

Don't let the word "shit" fool you.  It doesn't automatically equate negativity.  It's become a widely used word in my vocabulary, easily interchanged with "stuff," "things," etc.  Some say that people use curse words because they have nothing creative or original to say.  It's quite fucking possible.

So what has happened as of late?  I haven't taken many pictures to illustrate this post so I'll just sum things up.We scheduled the move, ended up throwing up on the move date and rescheduled for a Tuesday.  We had a house guest on Thursday and we managed to mildly entertain him amidst a sea of boxes and chaos.  Then a few days later I officially ended my job.  Aaaaand today another pet died.

Job wise: Having chronic health issues makes everything hard.  It's hard to be spontaneous, it's hard to make plans, hard to get to work, hard to get shit done around the house, maintain relationships, take a dump, etc.  The more stressful a situation is, the more the chronic pain and fatigue flare up.  Work became intolerably stressful.  Oh sure there were periods of calm, fun, productivity and fulfillment.  But the stress became too much, we've never had a raise so motivation was nil and I am not sure anymore what the mission is of my former employer or who exactly I was working for.  It's confusing even when you know the details, trust me.  And they aren't worth going into.  All I know is that when I started, the place felt like home.  Everyone was family and no matter what happened, I was just pleased as punch to be among so many wonderful people.  Fifty plus layoffs later and a more corporate attitude, it felt more like we were all heart attacks waiting to happen and the family feeling was gone for the most part.  It became very sad, strained and unsure.  The miscarriage was the last straw even though I'm not sure what caused things to go wrong right from the beginning.

I hope to hell that things get better there for all the great people who still are there.

So am I an archivist anymore?  I don't think you could rid me of my professional nature.  So for now I'll just work on feeling better.  Taking care of the new house, keeping the dogs happy, getting some exercise, finding new therapies.  I am hoping to get elected to a board for a local heritage group next year and I"ll keep my professional, local archivist membership.  I'm not too worried but then again, I can't afford to worry about shit I can't control.I feel slightly worried about my career but the overwhelming sense of peace overshadows the worry.  By staying home and taking care of things, I am not letting anyone down.  There is no FMLA laws to keep in mind.  No coworkers to let down.

House: The new house is great!  I've unpacked here and there and next week I'll start priming the guest bathroom.  I'm sure within ten minutes, I'll hate painting.  But this is the first time I've had the chance to paint my walls.  Wow....no white or beige unless I put it there.  I have a feeling that the large, red wall will have to go.  It's bold and kind of pretty but it's a bit much.  And what goes with red on the corresponding walls?  Not much but beige.  More beige.  Or white.  Meh.



As soon as it quits raining, I'll be able to get out with my camera for some walks. The little bi-planes taking off and landing are neat to watch. And there is plenty of uhhhh prairie grass to look at. :-)

Gardner, KS in the 2000 census was just under 10,000 people. I have never lived in a town this small before. And that's saying something since I'm from North Dakota. The city was founded where the Santa Fe and California Trails split. According to the highly unreliable Wikipedia article, Gardner was the first community founded in Johnson County and the first one in KS invaded by Confederates/slave holders/redneck crazy Nazis during the Border Wars. So far Gardner does not have a Pit Bull ban which is one of the reasons we chose to live here. Hopefully they maintain this "don't tread on me" sort of philosophy, which is unlike most of Johnson County. And our neighbors already left cookies on our doorstep. Very nice. I'll have to bring them a big bottle of vodka to return the neighborly feelings.

Pets: Ratchet's brother passed today. He was having all kinds of issues which I had treated. They were in remission but then he started to scratch a lot, especially his face. Today I found him with his eye scratched out, hanging from its socket. It was a bit horrifying. I called Ron and he took us to the vet, where Clank was euthanised. He was a rat that I saved from being snake food. A brother from another litter to Ratchet. We mostly called him Crank because he was not exactly happy about being handled. He liked to be petted but not picked up. When Ratchet was really sick, Clank would lay on him, groom him more than usual and keep him warm. I'm so glad we were able to give him a good home for the last almost 2 years.



So a conglomeration of shit, to be sure. Thankfully in some ways, I came down with a sinus infection and strep throat. Due to all the antibiotics and the house move and miscarriage, we took a break from trying to have a kid. A month of not worrying when I'm ovulating, taking hormones, worrying that my medications would screw things up, blah blah blah. Just taking a break and trying to live in the "now."

Tschus.

Super Bex

Every time a person feels they have been through it all, something happens.  Or perhaps that's the pessimist's way of viewing the world.  I choose to look at is as trials of strength.  I may be a big, flabby goofball, but mentally I'm solid muscle.  Sure, there are times when I think that  I'm about to crack and the only cure is a vacation to a padded room, replete with wonderful sedatives, "story time" during group therapy and wonderful spa treatments in the ice baths.  But I know myself.  And I know that no matter how bad things look at the time, they will get better.  But I can't say I wasn't surprised this time.

On Saturday I got a positive pregnancy test.  Oh the joy!  We took a picture of the happy , positive test next to my smiling face.  We told a couple close friends and vowed to keep it a secret from everyone else, save Ron's mom.  On Monday I had confirmation through a blood test at my doctor, although they did say the levels were low.  Still positive, yet low.  Today I repeated those tests and my Hcg should have doubled or tripled.  Instead it went down.

Wuh waaaaaaaaaah.

I just got the call that I have a chemical pregnancy, just as I had feared.  That means I indeed got pregnant but it didn't implant in the uterus.  Instead it's getting ready to miscarry.  Any day now.

I only had the emotional high for a few days so I guess there isn't much to mourn.  This does give me some more time to acclimate the new dog, paint the rooms in the new house, etc.  I'm also trying to get off my fibromyalgia medicine as it's not safe past the first trimester anyways.  So the withdrawal symptoms have hit me and I feel exhausted and disorientated.  The pain has returned already and I am not even done taking the medicine yet.  Every time you think that maybe this shit is all in your head, your body readily reminds you that yes, indeed, this is real.

I'm just very thankful that I have some close friends here that I can talk to about all this. Because it still hurts. It still feels like a failure.

In happier news, the house is almost finalized so hopefully we can move on the 30th. I'm ready to paint and look for a new couch. I think the sectional is about done. I give it about 20 minutes on the curb and someone will have carried if off. That's my hope anyways.

Saturday is the Pinups for Pit Bulls 2011 Calendar Release Party. I did not make it into the the calendar exactly but will be included in the back page as sort of an honorable mention. I am very honored because I hope and think that the gals at PFPBs liked me but my photo wasn't exactly what they were looking for. I'm sure they had a lot of creative and wonderful submissions to choose from. However I am happy to be involved with the group as a whole because they bring such a positive and fun presence to a very serious and tragic problem in our pet community. For instance there are about 30 adoptable Pit Bulls and Pit Bull mixes that will die tonight at a shelter due to overcrowding. There are so many dogs...and then there are the dogs that just LOOK like a Pittie. Got to hate the media hype.

But if you are local and out and about this Saturday, I expect, no DEMAND, that you stop by our party! I'm not dressing up for nothing dangit. :)



That is about all I have the energy for right now. I'm so tired and my hands hurt because I've been putting off my arthritis medicine on top of everything. But all will be well in time. It always is! Excuse me while I go cry again.

Tschus.

“Fleeced” stitch

Didn't I post this yet? Ah well I'm sure you've seen it on my Facebook page. If not, this was the last stitch that I did. It's a quote from the tv series Deadwood. Al Swearengen is one of my faves and I had to finish this piece before I got to the actual town of Deadwood.

I want to make it into a pillow however I've never made a pillow in my life. So I'm considering a small sewing machine purchase and reading a crap load of tutorials. Any thoughts? I'd love some kitchy cowboy fabric for the back.



That's all for now. Pain, tired, looking at some life transition stuff....heh. No biggie!!!

Tschus.

“But you look so healthy!”

I saw a top ten list on Facebook of things not to say to someone who has Fibromyalgia.  One of them included the title for this blog.  It's true: I can't tell you how many people have told me I look healthy, I don't look sick, etc.  I'd like to take it as a compliment.  Yes, thank you!  I struggle everyday but at least I LOOK good!  But it's not a compliment; it's insulting.  You don't have to have festering sores popping puss all over the place or be using a cane or wheelchair to get around to be someone who suffers from a disease.  That's why I don't give anyone shit for parking in the handicapped spot when they look perfectly capable of parking 30 feet back.

My dad raised us with the typical North Dakota work ethic.  Laziness is abhorred.  I used to hear these wonderful urban legends about people who left ND for big cities and were hired on the spot by companies when it was learned they were from ND.  "Those North Dakotans have a high work ethic!  You're hired!"  Sitting on your ass while the house needs cleaning or not working hard at your job were not options.  Hell my mom sacrificed time with her family to get her nursing degree at night.  She worked all day and went to night school, with four kids and a husband at home.  My brother some how works his ass off even though he has Parkinson's.

I realize that the best case situation right now would be for me to be healthy and work 40 hours a week.  To contribute to my household financially.  I keep thinking once I find a less stressful job, or lose some weight, or get some relief from medications, I can go back to working 40 hours.  But I'm starting to wonder if that will ever happen.  Having these conditions, I realize how unpredictable they are.  You can be fine for two straight weeks and then wake up one day, unable to move.  Then you wonder, what did I do yesterday?  What did I do to trigger this?  What do I need to change so it doesn't happen again?  And then you realize: nothing.  I didn't do a damn thing different in the preceding days.  I took care of myself, got enough sleep, ate right, keep my stress down as much as possible, etc.  Some days, there is NOTHING you can do to prevent a flare up.  Shit just happens sometimes.

So how to maintain a full time, or even a part time, job when you can't predict one day to the next how you will function?  I guess you push through the bad days no matter what.  Am I a whiner because some days I don't or can't push through?  Some days I give in.

So a question to those who actually read this and have issues of their own, how do you push through and take care of your responsibilities when you feel like crap?  I really think the best thing for me is to find a low-stress position and work part or 3/4 time.  I really hope there is something out there for me to do that.

Right now KC has the most tree pollen it  has had in a long time.  Wundebar!  The extreme allergic reaction I'm having has triggered the fibromyalgia.  Oh well, I guess I'll just take it one day at a time.

Sometime when I have some energy, I'll blog about all the quacks lurking on Facebook.  "DRINK THIS SHAKE AND YOUR CONDITIONS ARE CURED!"  The latest is Reliv.  I am sure it's like Advocare and Herbalife.  It might be convincing if it wasn't a pyramid sales company.

And one final vent:  what the hell happened to the spelling and grammar in this country????  I know the internet and chat boards are contributing to this.  But in high school, I had to take a basic typing class.  Mavis Beacon, remember that????



I see so many people with really positive intentions but they can't persuade me with their arguments.  Here are basic tools of communication lost on the internet age:

* Paragraphs.  Starting a new paragraph for each different thought or idea visually breaks up text.  Not to mention it helps the reader follow your argument.

* Spelling.  Just learn to spell.  Use the spell check and familiarize yourself with commonly misspelled words such as "they're" and "their."  Cripes.

* Grammar.  You is no fool!  I are mad at u!  Sweet Enola Gay, is it the education system or what?

* Punctuation.  Break up a sentence with a period or comma once in a while.  Try it, you might like it.

* CAPITAL LETTERS READ LIKE SHOUTING!!!

I am sorry but I can't take people seriously in writing if they don't at least TRY.  I know I'm not perfect.  I'm blogging and a lot of my blogs are written in a conversational style.   But at least people can get the points I'm trying to make.   If you are dyslexic or have learning disabilities, I think you are trying your hardest and I don't want to hear from you.  You are not the ones to which I'm referring.

That is all.  *sneeze hack*  Tschus.

Zombies, dogs and pin-ups: Oh my!

So what's new?  One of my brothers moved to Germany and my sister is going to be a court judge.  Very exciting!  I'm not sure how my other brother is doing right now; I hope he is well.  Myself?  I am up to the same old things.

First, I'm even more disillusioned with my career.  I am in a really negative place right now and I need to figure out how to change my situation or my attitude.  Both are tough things to change.  It's amazing how toxic stress is to your body.  I've never had problems with heartburn until recently and just general stomach pain.  Right after a really stressful event, I get a flareup of my fibromyalgia.  Seems like common sense but when you are going through something very stressful, you get tunnel vision and don't see the bigger picture.  Something has to give and I just need to figure out what step to take.  I've been mulling over this for a long time and I'm sure my blog reflects that.  I'm ready to initiate change though.

Our home buying program has hit a brick wall.  We can't buy a home here or anywhere until we get over this stalemate with our mortgage counselor.  She won't answer our emails to clarify some of things she's asking of us.  We're extremely frustrated.  I really don't want to stay in this neighborhood much longer.  We've had a lot more cops hanging around.  That makes you feel safer at first - yay!  The cops are here!  But also it's scary.  Why are the cops here so often?  What is going on?  This place sucks.

On a positive note, I've been taking Patton to obedience training once a week.  He's doing so well!  He does have a thing with peeing on people's legs however.  And he doesn't want to do some of the harder things like "lay down" or "shake" but I think we just need some practice.  I'm going to a meeting for people who have or want to train to be certified therapy dogs.  That's our goal so I have to figure out how to get Patton to that point.  Lots of practice and patience.



Of course, I indulge him too much and this is what happens.

I'm still doing a lot of volunteer work for the Pit Bull rescue.  The dogs are really sweet animals but they definitely need to be with people who understand the breed.  There are so many ignorant and irresponsible people out there.  I can't believe the emails we get from people who want us to take their dogs because the dog has become aggressive or has too much energy, etc.  "Take the dog or we'll have to put it to sleep!"  Gah.  But overall it is a very rewarding experience.  If I had the energy to do more, I would definitely do so!

Speaking of energy, I have managed to get a lot more exercise lately.  We are doing the 30 Day Shred, a Jillian Michaels dvd.  That woman is BRUTAL.  The workouts are only 20 minutes but they work everything and I've had a few people tell me I look thinner.  I haven't dropped much weight but I think I'm toning up.  I'll take that!  If I never lose another pound but can drop a couple sizes, I'm happy.  I just want my muscles to be stronger so I can support my crappy joints better.  So far so good.  I feel better about myself and it definitely helps the stress level.  My husband is so supportive too.  We have a 'fridge full of veggies.  Good for grillin'.  I feel better having cut out so much crap from my diet.  It doesn't cure anything and I still have pain.  But it's better then wallowing in a bag of Doritos and Diet Coke.

And I'm sure you've all seen this silly photo by now but this is my pro pic from the Pinups for Pitbulls event at the Record Bar:



I look very pale.

I've also been getting my zombie fix lately.  We watched Dead Snow recently and that was hilarious.  It's Norwegian and subtitled.  There are some fun Evil Dead references which made us laugh.  Very gross and funny stuff.





I just finished reading World War Z by Max Brooks.  It's written as an oral history post-zombie war.  It's well written and brought in scenarios you never think about or imagine with traditional zombie movies.  What if North Korea's bunker system was actually a lot more extensive.  After North Korea sends all its citizens underground, did they all get infected?  When the bunkers are opened up, will there be 7 million zombies in the underground city?  Or what would it be like to go into the all dark, maze-like catacombs under Paris to escape the panic outside.  Only the infected come with you and you have to fight zombies without light or firearms to help you.  Fun, freaky shit.  Very entertaining read!



And the spring zombie walk is coming up on June 4th.  I've been talked into going as a zombie this time.  If I don't have a new job by then, I think I can do it.  I'm thinking zombie paparazzi.  That way I can take as many photos as I want!  I'm such a dork.

I think I've yammered on enough for today.  Have a great Sunday!  Tschus!

Cpn’ Tripps and Spring in KS

I'm watching' The Stand and thinking of swine flu and zombie virus outbreak and all that good stuff.  Seems to me that there are a lot of things in our lives that could go wrong and never do.  But since I don't trust the Government, who can really say it never will?  I hate the Govt. and trust them less then the people I work with.  If that says anything to you...

I've taken Patton to quite a few classes for his obedience training.  I think he's right on track for being a therapy dog.  He's very gentle, obedient and calm.  He serves as a good model for the aggressive and hyper dogs in class.  He really calms them down.  His trainer is also looking at using him for a therapy trainer for other dogs in training.  I've seen  a growly, aggressive dog become really passive around him. Kinda neat.

Work....well that' s just normal.  Nothing new.  Nothing good, nothing bad.  Just..........it is.  Still trying to figure out what to do with my life.

Ron and I have been working out together a lot while he goes to the track to run and I swim in the pool.  It keeps us mobile and burning off steam.  Practice with Patton for obedience is also a lot of work.  I am really happy to do that and to hang out with others who are into dog training and doggie resuce.

All I can do is keep being me and keep trying to work against all the diagnoses that I've been given.  I take my vitamins and supplements and medications and that's all I can do.  Keep on fightin' the good fight!

Tschus!

Mish mash

Holy shit, long time no blog!  I'd like to say there is nothing new in my life but there is tons going on.  So here is an update:

First off:  We beat Bioshock 2 just in time for the March 11th expansion pack. I haven't planned any of the online portions of the game yet so I can't really say much about the multiplayer, online death matches.  However the story was good for a sequel and the graphics, though at first seemed grainy, turned out to be really awesome.  I thought the game was harder overall with more melee type attacks.  Playing it on easy gave you a lot of hints that seemed a little unnecessary but that's ok too.  I love the art deco themes and the characters are interesting.

Second:  Lasik went awesome!  I can see!  It was horribly uncomfortable and while they give you a lot of valium, that just wears right off when you are under the laser.  It was nice that my husband was allowed to sit in there with me and I clawed the shit out of his hand during the procedure.  But the awfulness lasted only about 20 minutes followed by a horrible ride home.  I took something to help me sleep and by the time I woke up 4 hours later, I felt worn out but fine.  I did have to wear some groovy blinders at night for a few days to keep me from scratching my eyes.



I had some lovely impressions in my flesh every morning.  But it turned out really well and I'm happy with it.  No more contacts or glasses.  Schweet.

I've been working pretty hard at my health shit.  I found some books at the Half Price Bookstore which talk about fibromyalgia and endometriosis.  I'm working on a symptom and food diary to try to pinpoint triggers.  During this time I've had a fever that came out of nowhere and am trying to figure out if there is any rhyme or reason to things like that.  So we'll see what comes of this new experiment.  I still would like to lose the rest of the 40lbs I gained.  That means I have another 15-20lbs to go.  Being overweight and chronically ill is not easy.  It just exacerbates all your shit.

No new pets and no pets have passed away, no matter how old and infirm they are.   I'm starting Patton on obedience classes this coming week.  I hope that when he gets over his fear of oh.....EVERYTHING....he will be able to start training for a therapy dog program.  Our vet seems to think he'd be excellent at it because of his very mellow temperament.  He went in today to get his distemper shot and a heart worm test. He's a very sweet dog and I think he'd be a great ambassador for his part Staffordshire Terrier breed.  So many Pit mixes like him are put down right away or taken from their homes in cities with breed bans.  We are learning a lot about this because of our involvement with a pit bull rescue.  This volunteer work has been very rewarding as well as educational.  Just to get it out there, I fucking hate the media.  I hate them all.  Their mission is to sell news by freaking the shit out of everyone in a community.  Period.  Misinformation be damned!  We have to sell newspapers, ratings, etc!  Fuck the truth!  Ok sorry, I'm off my soapbox for now.

Last couple of thing:  I'm going to take a pinup photography class next weekend.  I'm going by myself, which for a hermit, is a big deal.  I'm freaked out by social situations like this but I think it will be fun and informative.  I think the new pin up style with the tatts and vintage/rockabilly themes are awesome.  This all proceeds the Pinups for Pit Bulls event in KC on the 19th.  I'm all for animal rescue organizations, beer and music.  Now, what to wear?  No clue...  The last item of discussion is that I really want another tattoo.  I'm trying to find something that reminds me of my mother.  Yesterday was the 26th anniversary of her passing.  A long ass time ago.  I really miss her and would like my next tatt to be something to do with her. Ron is pretty ready for more ink so we're going to investigate some new tattoo parlors.   And finally, I hope to hit up the roller derby around the end of the month.  It's going to be a girls night comprised of women I work with.  I think we're going to get a little drunk and watch some chicks on roller skates beat the crap out of each other.  That should be fun!

I'll update my blog with another stitch or two when the time is right.  I've got some ideas on the burner for new embroidery and I'm excited to get started.  So overall things are good but everyday is a learning experience.  Some times I fuck up royally and other days I have things in control.  I can't seem to predict from one day to the next how it's going to go.  Just doing the best I can!

Tschus.