Of Sound Mind

I just want to be healthy.

Everything I am responsible for stems off of a healthy Me. How can I feed the family healthfully yet inexpensively? How can I strengthen my muscles to better support my joints? Where is that happy medium between working out enough and overdoing it? I'm struggling to figure that out and I've been looking for answers for over six years. I just want to be healthy.

However I found myself these past years not so much searching for what I had intended; I was searching for a cure. I've tried alternative medicine and treatments, I've put all kinds of pharmaceuticals into my body, I've tried diet, exercise, singing Kumbaya until my face was blue. Nothing worked! It's only recently that I realized the difference between working with what I've got versus forcing my body to work like a "normal" person's body.. If you can't beat it, join it! Or something along that lines.

Just because I have these problems doesn't mean I can't be healthy. By saying to myself "I'm sick, I can't do that," I just set myself up to fail. I've quit before I've even tried. Wow, how many cool things have I missed out on because of negative thinking? Sure, I probably can't stand in general admission at a rock concert anymore but I can do other things. It's about being realistic and surrounding myself with the right support system. I can't run a mile right now but maybe I could work up to it someday. I can't clean all my house in one day either but I can clean one room a day. It's about setting realistic goals that build off one another.

But there is also a flip side to this: If I do all these things I supposedly shouldn't be able to do, people will think I'm lying about having these conditions. Now let me just stop you here and I'll reiterate that statement: If I stay active, exercise, and participate in life, people will think I'm lying about having RA, Hashimoto's, Fibromyalgia, TMJ and Endometriosis. This sounds absolutely crazy but these worries come from learned experience. Let me explain. In the past I went through a phase where I could do a lot socially and then my body rebelled; I'd make plans and have to break them. A LOT. A group of friends I was hanging out with called me a liar (in a round-about, passive-aggressive way) and I lost a whole group of friends over it. They didn't believe that I could go out to eat after a 9 hour work day last month but have to break off plans to see a movie or attend an event the next month. After a few times of having to cancel due to pure exhaustion and pain, there was an ugly confrontation. So in the back of my mind I have been closing myself off from people so they WON'T ask me to do anything. That way I don't risk them thinking I am a liar if and when I have to cancel on them. Maybe that's not something I should actively worry about but the experience has stuck with me.

I just want to be healthy. And instead of searching the ends of the Earth for my "holy grail" in the form of a miracle cure, maybe it's better just to be. This is my new self, for better or worse, and it's not always great but it's not always horrible. And if I can do one thing today and not tomorrow, to hell with what others think. If they can't be bothered to get educated on what I deal with every day, then they aren't my friends. I can be a healthy person who has RA, Hashimoto's, Fibromyalgia, TMJ and Endometriosis.

Tune in later this week when I recap the Shredder Weekend in Chicago that I attended last weekend! It was a great trip and very enlightening, as well as motivating. Have a good Monday, tschus!

In case of emergency, break glass

All of the health woes I feared would return after the baby arrived have returned. The endo isn't intolerable, but the pain during each period is rough. The arthritis is still a work in progress to get under control. Just a word to the wise: If you start Enbrel, don't even try to inject it in your leg. Just do the stomach, it's so much easier and little pain. The injection in the thigh was like putting liquid fire into my muscle. I've never had a shot hurt that bad. After talking to the Enbrel nurses and reading online, I tried out the following tip: let the Sure Shot warm up to room temperature for 30 minutes, let the alcohol swab dry completely before you stick yourself and inject in the stomach, keeping away from the belly button by two inches. To anyone out there holding back on having kids because of your health, just go for it. Yes, it's hard. It's very hard. The little buggers need attention all the time and you have to use your energy to entertain them, feed them, rock them, soothe them, change them, you get the idea. But it's worth it. You will never regret having them.

Seeing that I do not need jaw surgery at this time, I decided to go with the cortisteroid injections. Holy hell that hurt like a sonnofabitch. You need to have a scan done at the time of the injection so they can locate the exact spot of your TMJ. It's kind of cool to see your skull on the television, opening and closing its mouth. I don't talk much about my spiritual beliefs, mostly because I hear so many people around me bitching about and making fun of Christians. As if all of us Christians are like the fanatical evangelicals. I think that's very narrow minded and disrespectful but hey, your opinion is your own. I decided to give up all the pain and worry about my health to God. I can only control so much and I can't afford to freak out every single time I have to undergo a painful procedure. Because there will undoubtedly be many more. Having that internal talk with God really helped me get through yesterday. The following picture shows a little bruising, redness and swelling. Thankfully my right eye is no longer all wonky. I looked like a stroke victim yesterday.

This summer I had a big trip planned and I've had to cancel it for various reasons. One had to do with our finances. I just didn't have the money to change the dates. It would have cost more than the ticket was worth! So if you go through Hotwire, just know that to change plans is next to impossible unless you have a butt load of cash at your disposal. So I had to make some hard decisions and after a sobering evaluation of our finances, I realized not only was the trip out of the question, I realized we needed a financial diet. Therefore I signed us up for Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. We are only on the first month but I have to say this has already changed our lives. The guy is no nonsense and says it like it is. It is amazing to see exactly every single penny that comes in and goes out. We needed the structure, but some people don't. Some people don't have debt so this is not a tool they need. But most people have at least some debt and we fit into that category. Plus, going down to one income has been really hard, especially after the baby arrived. Formula and diapers don't come cheap.

We are moving onto the cash-only system. I am clipping coupons like a mad woman. On my last two purchases, I saved over $30 by using coupons and shopping the sales. I got a pair of awesome Skecher shoes to replace my worn out tennis shoes for %15 off plus free shipping. This weekend we are having a garage sale during the ginormous, city-wide garage sale craziness and I hope we make some money to put into our baby emergency fund. Once we get that fund established, we start the debt snow ball part of the program. I am so excited to pay off this debt and start building wealth and peace of mind. Having this control is very empowering and it has helped lessen the blow somewhat of the cancelled trip.

The money diet is trickling down into other areas of our lives too. Because I have to track every dollar for our grocery bill, I'm evaluating our diet a lot more. I hope to make another garden box to plant more vegetables, and if I can finally get a good harvest this year, I can learn to can what's left over. We use a lot of canned diced and stewed tomatoes and I hate buying anything out of can because of the BPA lining. I also want to make the baby's food myself so I am paying more attention to organics. So far she's a good eater so I'm lucky on that front. I hope that we lose some weight during our financial diet since we won't be eating out as much! Also we are getting rid of all the extra shit in the house. We are planning and budgeting for things like dental care and treatments for the pups. And home improvements have to thought out well in advance, if possible.

I realize I'm probably boring the shit out of anyone reading this but I'm just excited to do this, as hard as it will be. And speaking of, I need to get working on the garage sale shit for tomorrow. It's gonna be a long, hot day! I leave you with a photo of my work in progress for my next art therapy piece. Lots left to do on it!

Posse: Assembled

I finally have my post-natal support team assembled! I've visited with my rheumatologist, my counselor and now my pain doctor, as well as my OBGYN of course. All my conditions have been addressed and I'm ready to tackle them once EK gets here.

The last to get on team Bex was my pain doctor. Since I haven't been there in a while, they made me take a drug test. I'm 9+ months pregnant and taking a drug test. It was a little weird but I understand where they are coming from. And since I disclosed everything I do take, nothing illegal or of a narcotic nature, I had nothing to hide. Still, I had an initial reaction of "Really?"

I'm not sure how so many people are abusing prescription pain killers. They don't make it easy to get a hold of them. And in my state, the pharmacies are able to track controlled prescriptions so you can't fill in one place, get another 'script and fill again somewhere else. Yet I still read articles about how people are OD'ing on prescription drugs and how states want to further regulate their use. And from what I have read on this issue, it's not the pain patients who are abusing the drugs. It's people who steal/buy/obtain pain medication without medical need for it. So to combat the addicts who don't need these drugs, we punish the people who do. Isn't that great? I say we legalize marijuana, even though apparently that is the first most abused drug in our nation. At some point, people need to learn to be responsible. If you are going to abuse drugs, you run the risk of killing yourself. I hate to be so cold-hearted, but when someone's addiction directly affects your life, you tend to get bitter and resentful.

Well now, I didn't mean to hop up on a soapbox. I'll go through the hoops because I am not abusing the system. It sucks and it means a lot more driving around, but I will do whatever I have to in order to keep active.

I'm so relieved and thankful to have everything I need all set up and ready to go. Some family members on both sides are facing health issues right now and we are worried for them. But we are thinking positive for everyone and praying for good outcomes. Nothing like a little stress right at the end, eh? :)

Observations on exercise, or: Why I feel so damn old

I've noticed a few things since resuming my exercise goals. When you have chronic health issues, you sometimes have different experiences when working out. (*I am not a doctor, even after staying at a Holiday Inn. These are my experiences.)

So far I've noticed that my muscles are firmer, more toned. I think it's safe to say that doing circuit training with the 3 lbs weights isn't enough and I need to move up to 5 lbs. (I'm Xena!) I am also able to push myself to walk farther. My moods are a lot better because of the natural serotonin boost and because I'm getting out of the house more. These are all the positives I've noticed.

The negative side effects for me so far: I have a hard time sleeping. Seems counter-intuitive, right? Most people workout during the day and feel relaxed and tired at night. Working out seems to exacerbate my insomnia. It doesn't matter if I work out in the morning or in the afternoon. Also, my muscles ache; not in the post-workout way, but in the fibromyalgia-flare way. I think this is a contributor to my insomnia. And crunches aggravate the scar tissue in my abdomen. Lastly, my weight goes up when I workout.

Weight today 166.5. This is down a bit from yesterday and it still could be cyclical.

One of my experiences with fibromyalgia is constant insomnia. As some of you know, fibro makes your nerves oversensitive and you feel pain at a higher intensity than normal people. Insomnia is a symptom of all the fucked up nerves. From what I can tell, working out has stimulated my nerves enough to fight off the Ambien each night. I'm hoping this is temporary but I think I'll go see my neurologist anyways. Also, the fibro flares up when I workout and at night the stiffness really sets in. I am faithfully taking calcium and magnesium to help with this but that only seems to be enough when I'm sedentary. I'm going to try a hot bath and stretching before bed to see if that helps.

I believe the weight gain is my muscles retaining water. Maybe the water retention is adding to the aches? I have no idea. My jeans are tighter so it's not as if I'm losing fat and gaining muscle. This has to be water weight.

In an irrational state, I felt like giving this all up and going back to being a couch zombie. I know in the long run that all this shit will be worth it. I want to be able to fill the humidifier without straining under the weight. I want to be able to safely help my old dog into the car so she doesn't hurt herself. It would also be nice to increase my stamina so I can attend events for a longer period of time before pain and exhaustion set in. In short, I'm not giving up like I have so many times in the past.

To try to prevent strain on my body, I'm mostly walking and doing a few of the circuit training dvds 2-3 times a week.

Apologies if this all seems rather boring and repetitive. I'm hoping that by chronicling this information, I will be able to recognize improvements/mistakes down the road. Thanks to those who have read this far. And double thanks to anyone who cares to share their experiences. Tschus.

PS

Simpson Couch-Zombies

A conglomeration of shit

Don't let the word "shit" fool you.  It doesn't automatically equate negativity.  It's become a widely used word in my vocabulary, easily interchanged with "stuff," "things," etc.  Some say that people use curse words because they have nothing creative or original to say.  It's quite fucking possible.

So what has happened as of late?  I haven't taken many pictures to illustrate this post so I'll just sum things up.We scheduled the move, ended up throwing up on the move date and rescheduled for a Tuesday.  We had a house guest on Thursday and we managed to mildly entertain him amidst a sea of boxes and chaos.  Then a few days later I officially ended my job.  Aaaaand today another pet died.

Job wise: Having chronic health issues makes everything hard.  It's hard to be spontaneous, it's hard to make plans, hard to get to work, hard to get shit done around the house, maintain relationships, take a dump, etc.  The more stressful a situation is, the more the chronic pain and fatigue flare up.  Work became intolerably stressful.  Oh sure there were periods of calm, fun, productivity and fulfillment.  But the stress became too much, we've never had a raise so motivation was nil and I am not sure anymore what the mission is of my former employer or who exactly I was working for.  It's confusing even when you know the details, trust me.  And they aren't worth going into.  All I know is that when I started, the place felt like home.  Everyone was family and no matter what happened, I was just pleased as punch to be among so many wonderful people.  Fifty plus layoffs later and a more corporate attitude, it felt more like we were all heart attacks waiting to happen and the family feeling was gone for the most part.  It became very sad, strained and unsure.  The miscarriage was the last straw even though I'm not sure what caused things to go wrong right from the beginning.

I hope to hell that things get better there for all the great people who still are there.

So am I an archivist anymore?  I don't think you could rid me of my professional nature.  So for now I'll just work on feeling better.  Taking care of the new house, keeping the dogs happy, getting some exercise, finding new therapies.  I am hoping to get elected to a board for a local heritage group next year and I"ll keep my professional, local archivist membership.  I'm not too worried but then again, I can't afford to worry about shit I can't control.I feel slightly worried about my career but the overwhelming sense of peace overshadows the worry.  By staying home and taking care of things, I am not letting anyone down.  There is no FMLA laws to keep in mind.  No coworkers to let down.

House: The new house is great!  I've unpacked here and there and next week I'll start priming the guest bathroom.  I'm sure within ten minutes, I'll hate painting.  But this is the first time I've had the chance to paint my walls.  Wow....no white or beige unless I put it there.  I have a feeling that the large, red wall will have to go.  It's bold and kind of pretty but it's a bit much.  And what goes with red on the corresponding walls?  Not much but beige.  More beige.  Or white.  Meh.



As soon as it quits raining, I'll be able to get out with my camera for some walks. The little bi-planes taking off and landing are neat to watch. And there is plenty of uhhhh prairie grass to look at. :-)

Gardner, KS in the 2000 census was just under 10,000 people. I have never lived in a town this small before. And that's saying something since I'm from North Dakota. The city was founded where the Santa Fe and California Trails split. According to the highly unreliable Wikipedia article, Gardner was the first community founded in Johnson County and the first one in KS invaded by Confederates/slave holders/redneck crazy Nazis during the Border Wars. So far Gardner does not have a Pit Bull ban which is one of the reasons we chose to live here. Hopefully they maintain this "don't tread on me" sort of philosophy, which is unlike most of Johnson County. And our neighbors already left cookies on our doorstep. Very nice. I'll have to bring them a big bottle of vodka to return the neighborly feelings.

Pets: Ratchet's brother passed today. He was having all kinds of issues which I had treated. They were in remission but then he started to scratch a lot, especially his face. Today I found him with his eye scratched out, hanging from its socket. It was a bit horrifying. I called Ron and he took us to the vet, where Clank was euthanised. He was a rat that I saved from being snake food. A brother from another litter to Ratchet. We mostly called him Crank because he was not exactly happy about being handled. He liked to be petted but not picked up. When Ratchet was really sick, Clank would lay on him, groom him more than usual and keep him warm. I'm so glad we were able to give him a good home for the last almost 2 years.



So a conglomeration of shit, to be sure. Thankfully in some ways, I came down with a sinus infection and strep throat. Due to all the antibiotics and the house move and miscarriage, we took a break from trying to have a kid. A month of not worrying when I'm ovulating, taking hormones, worrying that my medications would screw things up, blah blah blah. Just taking a break and trying to live in the "now."

Tschus.

Surgeons with laser beams on their heads

Ok, not really.  My doctor/surgeon has lasers but not on her head.

So just a warning, this post has pictures from my surgery.  My bare innards, how sexy!  It's like porn for medical geeks.

I went in last Monday at 6AM to St. Joseph's Hospital.  It was very nice because I got my own room with my own personal Jeebus on the wall.  I was a very good patient until the nurse hit my artery on her first try.  She changed sides and did manage to get a vein in my left wrist but not until she punctured one of my nerves.  So now I have some lovely nerve pain shooting into my left hand and arm.  The right arm doesn't hurt as much as it did but it looks pretty wicked!



I was out of surgery and recovery by 10:30 but stuck around until 1:00 because I couldn't pee.  This is pretty normal.  Every time I have surgery there is one nurse, Nurse Evil Bitch, who thinks she needs to turn the bed over as soon as she can and all but kicks me out.  There was a "Do Not Discharge Without Pee" order on me thankfully.  But that didn't stop her from trying!  Instead of napping peacefully, she wanted me up and trying to piss.  Everytime I got up, the gas pumped into my abdomen during surgery would migrate up my torso.  Fun.  It decided to settle into my shoulders and diaphram.  The diaphram gas prevented me from taking nice, normal breaths and when I couldn't pee without much struggle and pain, I got upset.  The more upset I got, the harder it was to breathe.  So what happens?  A fucking panic attack.  Ron called for a nurse, but she didn't know what to do.  Luckily Ron was able to get me simmered down and breathing as best I could.  He was pretty pissed off.

No matter how much common sense says a person should get rest and healing in a hospital, one never does.  You can't get a lick of rest in a hospital.   As soon as I could go to the bathroom normally, we hit that nurse button and got the hell out.

So here are the photos my doctor took of my insides.  She is such a wonderful doctor and I'm so grateful to have her working so hard for me.



The white things are the ovaries.  One of them is fine and the other was covered in black endo growths.  All the black stuff is endo.  It doesn't look like much does it?  Ron said they were described as being the size of eraser heads.  So having that stuff on the outside of the bladder is like being pinched on very sensitive tissues.  And that's only the stuff you can see.  I can't imagine how much microscopic stuff there is!



Again there are my ovaries and also the pancreas (left) and liver and bowel (right.)   Happily my liver and pancreas show no signs of endo.  My bowels look fine but based on how it feels, I think there is some small stuf on there.



Here are my fallopian tubes and the dark stuff is actually dye.  The doctor flushed this dye through my tubes to check for blockages that could be endo sitting inside.  Since the dye went through, theoretically there isn't anything in there to prevent an egg passing through.  The fertility docs will want this information.  The first time I did this was last year and the dye did not go through.  That's when they found the Mullerian defect and cut away the wall that was growing inside my uterus.  Fun stuff!



Here's my swollen belly.  This is the fourth time I've had my belly button cut open.  I'm afraid it's not going to look very pretty by the time we're all done.  I had a new cut around my hip so that's a new scar.  The third incision was over the pubic bone but I'm not going to post photos of that.  Ewww pubes.

I have follow up appointments and fertility consultations within the next week.  I'm excited to see what the next step is.  I honestly think if we can pull off a pregnancy, we'll just do one.  Someday we can adopt if we want two kids but I believe that putting myself through one pregnancy is enough.  I guess I have my limits and this is one I have set for myself.  I'm scared to be a mom of a little baby but I miss doing mom things so much.  I know it will all be worth it.  And if I can't have one, I'm completely happy to adopt. 

And I hope you all will attend my Going Away Uterus Party someday.  I fully intend to celebrate the hysterectomy when it's time!  Can you imagine, Pin the Ovary on the Tube game?  Come on!  It will be hilarious!

Well that's all for my reproductive system for now.  My joints have decided they want to give me hell so I'm feeling pretty shitty today.  More to come on other subjects soon!

 Tschus!

 PS:

When searching for images of endoemetriosis, I found this site that sells "colloidal silver" remedies for everything from a spider bite, to endo, to dandruff.  Wtf?  Has anyone heard of this?  Not that I'm surprised by drinking silver mineral stuff doesn't sound like a good thing to me.  F'in quacks.

And now, 50% drama-free!

The more I try to keep drama out of my life, the worse it gets.  It would help if I could keep my damn mouth shut.  But whenever I feel there's been an injustice, a misunderstanding, a wrong inflicted, I open my big, fat mouth.  If I could just look the other way I am sure my life would be quieter.  I think living with someone who has an anger problem and internalizing all our problems made me go a bit too far to the opposite side after the divorce.  I never wanted to feel like I didn't stand up for myself because I was afraid of creating problems or confronting someone.  Never again, I swore.  Maybe sometimes it's more helpful to just stfu.

Pain.   Pain is a good diet aid.  I've lost about 4 lbs in the last two weeks because everything I eat lately upsets my stomach and I hurt so much all the time.  I've cried more this week than I have since my divorce.  Luckily the patronizing nurse at my doctor's office put through my request to schedule the surgery for earlier by ten days.  So right after I get home from ND, I have the Pinups for Pit Bulls photo shoot and then surgery the following Monday.  Yippee!  I just want it over with and then to figure out the next step.  And honestly, I'm really looking foward to getting this damned system out of my body.

It's also been a very animal-centric time at our house.  Ratchet was ill for a while and the second opinion vet at least got us a bronchial dilating medicine which has been super helpful.  He's not cured but he's much for comfortable and he's more alert and happier.  Patton threw up on the bed yesterday which necessitated a trip to our local laundrymat.  That was an unpleasant experience.  (I hate laundrymats.)  Then today, Sadie threw up twice in front of us.  I think Patton horked because he was trying to mow the lawn on his own and Sadie did because she ate a treat and then contorted herself to lick her ass for ten minutes straight.  I think the position she was in did not aid digestion.  So no one is really sick, but you know pets. 

Rowdy is good.  He's still hanging onto life with his ten teeth.



This is a pretty normal pose for the guy.  Old dogs don't have the best kidneys so you have to take him out a lot.  We were firing up the grill when Rowdy decided this was outdoors enough for him to do his "thing."

Tuesday I'll be back in Dickinson.  I'm flying home until the 5th because some relatives will be in Hebron, and the old gang will be back in Dix.  It's been 5 years since I've been home so this will be really weird.  I think my dad is happy about it and it will be good to spend some time with him on his turf.  Plus I hear Dix has grown a lot and I'm sure there will be some new things going on.  Well, probably lots of the same stuff but just....newer.  I hope to take mass amounts of photos of family, the old gang and the Badlands.  I'm sure there will be much posting of photos when I return.  

Finally, I picked up a copy of Zombies of Mass Destruction at my local Wal-hole.  I was looking at it when approached by a fellow nerd, employed by Wal-hole.  We geeked out on a discussion of zombie movies and whether or not anyone should bother with doing a Bubba Ho-tep sequel with no Bruce Campbell.  He told me that he heard there is one helluva hit and run scene in Zombies of Mass Destruction but he hadn't seen it yet.  So Ron and I watched it last night. 

 

If you watch it, remember that it's an independent film.  That being said, I totally recommend it just for the hit and run scene.  We laughed our asses off.  The movie differs in other zombie flicks in a couple key ways: the zombie outbreak is treated like a terrorist attack by the general public and two of the heroes are gay characters.  Just the gay guys are great to watch; likeable and funny.  The effects aren't bad either.  The acting however is much like what you'd see in stage theatre.  It's a little over the top and the lines are read much like in a play.  Not that it's a bad thing.  I've seen two zombie plays and really liked them.  It's just a different method of delivery and once you get used to it, you can have fun with it.  Ron thought the jokes were few and far between but I loved it.  For $9, it's fun to watch and it adds to the collection.



That's all I got for now, or all I'm willing to type up.  :)  Hope all is well for everyone out there!  Tschus.

Creepy crazy

We are closing to making a decision on wtf to do with my jerk-ass uterus.

I had my ultrasound and basically they found fluid behind the uterus again and some cysts.  My doc thinks I shouldn't be making cysts as I've been on birth control since last fall.  I have no idea what that is supposed to mean.  My uterus is also enlarged.  I guess it's been taking illegal steroids or something.  She also said it's possible that the type of endometriosis I have could be in the muscles or just making cysts and scar tissue.  Unless they do some biopsies, they just can't tell.  The intramuscular type is harder to treat apparently.  Hahahhaaa seriously.  Great.

I refused the Lupron.  I don't want to risk it with my RA and I don't care to risk gaining a lot of weight, joint pain, and TEH CRAZY.  So at the rate I'm at, I will have surgery to clear out the adhesions about every 1.5 years.  Or I can have our kid now and get this shit removed for good.  We are going to consult with high risk pregnancy and fertility doctors.  Depending on what they say, we'll make our decision.  This shit is coming out though...it's just a matter of time.  I'm pretty damned tired of dealing with it.  Take it out!!!!!!!!!!!!

Surgery to clear things out for now will happen mid-July.  Hopefully I don't miss too much work so that I can keep my job.  I'm hoping for a quick recovery.I've been on so much pain medicine lately that I can't even think of what else to post right now.  So tired.  Ratchet's been sick.  So between medicating him and Rowdy, I sometimes forget to take my own shit.  Whoops.

However I did do something rather interesting last week.  I was in St. Joseph for work and stopped by the Glore Psychiatric Museum which is this very disjointed exhibit in an old asylum.  It's creepy as shit and just weird.

Here are some photos:



The morgue



Stomach contents of a compulsive swallower.



Two-way observation mirror.



Salem's way of dealing with the insane.



Electro-shock therapy

You can see the rest of the photos on my Flickr.  It's a cheap entrance fee and very interesting.  I recommend it.

Other than that, I'm doing well.  Ron just got a new job that he starts in a couple weeks.  He's pretty excited and this will be a step up for him.  I've also just felt so stressed that I have no tolerance for bull shit anymore.  And just for little things.  I'd rather just confront a problem or person directly than to play stupid mind games.  I've realized how uncomfortable this makes people.  I guess this world has become so passive/aggressive that most people can't handle direct confrontation.  I'm sure if I had more patience, I could be a little more tactful at times.  Oh well.

Take care everyone.

Tschus.

Here we go….

...again?

Ultrasound on Monday because of bad pelvic pain.  I'm sure some people would love to be on pain killers everyday, but I hate it.  It makes me tired, out of it and constipated.  My gut looks like I swallowed a 10 pound ham.  It's disgusting.  I'm not sure if the ultrasound is going to change the fact I still need to have surgery again, but oh well.  Maybe there is an alien growing in there or something.

The new dilemma is whether or not to go ahead with Lupron afterwards.  Lupron is a drug that puts you into a chemical menopause.  It's typically given in a 3 month shot but I'm told there is now a one month version.  Treatment usually lasts for 6 months, with a shot each month.  Typical side effects are hot flashes, insomnia, depression, dizziness, bone loss, irritability, feeling like you want to fucking kill someone, etc.  With the bone loss, some people have horrible body and/or joint pain.  My first doctor told me without Lupron, she'd see me six months after surgery and that was the only option she gave me.  I switched docs.  My current doctor is very good about not pushing me into it.  But I may have no choice anymore.

Fortunately they do what is call "add back therapy" which adds a little progesterone and estrogen therapy to this.  Not that it makes sense.  Lupron starves the body of estrogen to shrink and halt the growth of adhesions.  But being put into sudden menopause, especially when you are young, isn't easy on the body so they add some hormones back into it to lessen the blow, so to speak.

Some women have no pain after treatment, and some women have a return of their pain when therapy ceases.  Most of the reviews that I've read have been horror stories.  Horrible hot flashes, osteoporosis, mania, fatigue, joint pain, etc.I don't know what to do.  I'm afraid I'll never be able to have kids.  Right now to even THINK about getting pregnant, I'll have to go off every medication I'm on except for my thyroid drug.  Then after about 3 months, we can try.  How can you try to get knocked up when it hurts to try?  There is always a turkey baster, which is an option.  Can I survive without any of my medications for up to a year?

So if I decide I can't do this, should I just have the hysterectomy?  I know this is where I'm heading someday but even that is not fool-proof.  The growths can be anywhere in your pelvis and they react to natural or supplemented hormones.  And because it's sometimes microscopic, one can't be sure that it was all lasered out during surgeries.

So wtf am I supposed to do with myself?  Anyone have any suggestions?  I've read everything from yeast-free diets to having a baby to supplements to menopause/hysterectomy.   I've been sitting here crying because I don't know what to do anymore.  If we do adopt, I'll still have this condition and I need to deal with it.  I'm so fucking tired of dealing with it.  And you know what?  Having a positive attitude doesn't make it go away.  Exercise doesn't make it go away.  I'd like to hold onto both but let's face it, they aren't making a shit ton of difference.

I know, I know.  I'm only 33 years old, there's plenty of time.  Well there really isn't when you come down to all the fucking planning and preparation we will have to do.  And spending a bunch of money on medical bills doesn't really give you a lot to save up for normal, everyday things like a house, car repairs, vet bills, etc. let alone adoption.  Any old crack addict can have a baby or six but you have to be wealthy to adopt a baby.

I know my husband will support whatever I choose to do but I know he wants to be a dad.  And he would be a great dad.  And I am so resentful and angry and exhausted trying to make these decisions.

*sigh*

So anyways, I thought I'd take some photos of how fucking stupid my insurance company is.  The shot I take each month for my rheumatoid arthritis is very expensive.  Because of that, the insurance monkeys said I have to order my shot through their prescription services.  They overnight my shot to me each month in a cooler.  Here is how much packaging they are wasting, not to mention how expensive it must be to overnight a box this size:











So there ya go.  Not exactly upbeat but oh well.  I'm trying to keep perspective on it all but every time I am about to have surgery, I start to get panic attacks.  I know I'll absolutely freak the fuck out once I get in the prep room.  What fun!

Tschus.

“But you look so healthy!”

I saw a top ten list on Facebook of things not to say to someone who has Fibromyalgia.  One of them included the title for this blog.  It's true: I can't tell you how many people have told me I look healthy, I don't look sick, etc.  I'd like to take it as a compliment.  Yes, thank you!  I struggle everyday but at least I LOOK good!  But it's not a compliment; it's insulting.  You don't have to have festering sores popping puss all over the place or be using a cane or wheelchair to get around to be someone who suffers from a disease.  That's why I don't give anyone shit for parking in the handicapped spot when they look perfectly capable of parking 30 feet back.

My dad raised us with the typical North Dakota work ethic.  Laziness is abhorred.  I used to hear these wonderful urban legends about people who left ND for big cities and were hired on the spot by companies when it was learned they were from ND.  "Those North Dakotans have a high work ethic!  You're hired!"  Sitting on your ass while the house needs cleaning or not working hard at your job were not options.  Hell my mom sacrificed time with her family to get her nursing degree at night.  She worked all day and went to night school, with four kids and a husband at home.  My brother some how works his ass off even though he has Parkinson's.

I realize that the best case situation right now would be for me to be healthy and work 40 hours a week.  To contribute to my household financially.  I keep thinking once I find a less stressful job, or lose some weight, or get some relief from medications, I can go back to working 40 hours.  But I'm starting to wonder if that will ever happen.  Having these conditions, I realize how unpredictable they are.  You can be fine for two straight weeks and then wake up one day, unable to move.  Then you wonder, what did I do yesterday?  What did I do to trigger this?  What do I need to change so it doesn't happen again?  And then you realize: nothing.  I didn't do a damn thing different in the preceding days.  I took care of myself, got enough sleep, ate right, keep my stress down as much as possible, etc.  Some days, there is NOTHING you can do to prevent a flare up.  Shit just happens sometimes.

So how to maintain a full time, or even a part time, job when you can't predict one day to the next how you will function?  I guess you push through the bad days no matter what.  Am I a whiner because some days I don't or can't push through?  Some days I give in.

So a question to those who actually read this and have issues of their own, how do you push through and take care of your responsibilities when you feel like crap?  I really think the best thing for me is to find a low-stress position and work part or 3/4 time.  I really hope there is something out there for me to do that.

Right now KC has the most tree pollen it  has had in a long time.  Wundebar!  The extreme allergic reaction I'm having has triggered the fibromyalgia.  Oh well, I guess I'll just take it one day at a time.

Sometime when I have some energy, I'll blog about all the quacks lurking on Facebook.  "DRINK THIS SHAKE AND YOUR CONDITIONS ARE CURED!"  The latest is Reliv.  I am sure it's like Advocare and Herbalife.  It might be convincing if it wasn't a pyramid sales company.

And one final vent:  what the hell happened to the spelling and grammar in this country????  I know the internet and chat boards are contributing to this.  But in high school, I had to take a basic typing class.  Mavis Beacon, remember that????



I see so many people with really positive intentions but they can't persuade me with their arguments.  Here are basic tools of communication lost on the internet age:

* Paragraphs.  Starting a new paragraph for each different thought or idea visually breaks up text.  Not to mention it helps the reader follow your argument.

* Spelling.  Just learn to spell.  Use the spell check and familiarize yourself with commonly misspelled words such as "they're" and "their."  Cripes.

* Grammar.  You is no fool!  I are mad at u!  Sweet Enola Gay, is it the education system or what?

* Punctuation.  Break up a sentence with a period or comma once in a while.  Try it, you might like it.

* CAPITAL LETTERS READ LIKE SHOUTING!!!

I am sorry but I can't take people seriously in writing if they don't at least TRY.  I know I'm not perfect.  I'm blogging and a lot of my blogs are written in a conversational style.   But at least people can get the points I'm trying to make.   If you are dyslexic or have learning disabilities, I think you are trying your hardest and I don't want to hear from you.  You are not the ones to which I'm referring.

That is all.  *sneeze hack*  Tschus.

Zombies, dogs and pin-ups: Oh my!

So what's new?  One of my brothers moved to Germany and my sister is going to be a court judge.  Very exciting!  I'm not sure how my other brother is doing right now; I hope he is well.  Myself?  I am up to the same old things.

First, I'm even more disillusioned with my career.  I am in a really negative place right now and I need to figure out how to change my situation or my attitude.  Both are tough things to change.  It's amazing how toxic stress is to your body.  I've never had problems with heartburn until recently and just general stomach pain.  Right after a really stressful event, I get a flareup of my fibromyalgia.  Seems like common sense but when you are going through something very stressful, you get tunnel vision and don't see the bigger picture.  Something has to give and I just need to figure out what step to take.  I've been mulling over this for a long time and I'm sure my blog reflects that.  I'm ready to initiate change though.

Our home buying program has hit a brick wall.  We can't buy a home here or anywhere until we get over this stalemate with our mortgage counselor.  She won't answer our emails to clarify some of things she's asking of us.  We're extremely frustrated.  I really don't want to stay in this neighborhood much longer.  We've had a lot more cops hanging around.  That makes you feel safer at first - yay!  The cops are here!  But also it's scary.  Why are the cops here so often?  What is going on?  This place sucks.

On a positive note, I've been taking Patton to obedience training once a week.  He's doing so well!  He does have a thing with peeing on people's legs however.  And he doesn't want to do some of the harder things like "lay down" or "shake" but I think we just need some practice.  I'm going to a meeting for people who have or want to train to be certified therapy dogs.  That's our goal so I have to figure out how to get Patton to that point.  Lots of practice and patience.



Of course, I indulge him too much and this is what happens.

I'm still doing a lot of volunteer work for the Pit Bull rescue.  The dogs are really sweet animals but they definitely need to be with people who understand the breed.  There are so many ignorant and irresponsible people out there.  I can't believe the emails we get from people who want us to take their dogs because the dog has become aggressive or has too much energy, etc.  "Take the dog or we'll have to put it to sleep!"  Gah.  But overall it is a very rewarding experience.  If I had the energy to do more, I would definitely do so!

Speaking of energy, I have managed to get a lot more exercise lately.  We are doing the 30 Day Shred, a Jillian Michaels dvd.  That woman is BRUTAL.  The workouts are only 20 minutes but they work everything and I've had a few people tell me I look thinner.  I haven't dropped much weight but I think I'm toning up.  I'll take that!  If I never lose another pound but can drop a couple sizes, I'm happy.  I just want my muscles to be stronger so I can support my crappy joints better.  So far so good.  I feel better about myself and it definitely helps the stress level.  My husband is so supportive too.  We have a 'fridge full of veggies.  Good for grillin'.  I feel better having cut out so much crap from my diet.  It doesn't cure anything and I still have pain.  But it's better then wallowing in a bag of Doritos and Diet Coke.

And I'm sure you've all seen this silly photo by now but this is my pro pic from the Pinups for Pitbulls event at the Record Bar:



I look very pale.

I've also been getting my zombie fix lately.  We watched Dead Snow recently and that was hilarious.  It's Norwegian and subtitled.  There are some fun Evil Dead references which made us laugh.  Very gross and funny stuff.





I just finished reading World War Z by Max Brooks.  It's written as an oral history post-zombie war.  It's well written and brought in scenarios you never think about or imagine with traditional zombie movies.  What if North Korea's bunker system was actually a lot more extensive.  After North Korea sends all its citizens underground, did they all get infected?  When the bunkers are opened up, will there be 7 million zombies in the underground city?  Or what would it be like to go into the all dark, maze-like catacombs under Paris to escape the panic outside.  Only the infected come with you and you have to fight zombies without light or firearms to help you.  Fun, freaky shit.  Very entertaining read!



And the spring zombie walk is coming up on June 4th.  I've been talked into going as a zombie this time.  If I don't have a new job by then, I think I can do it.  I'm thinking zombie paparazzi.  That way I can take as many photos as I want!  I'm such a dork.

I think I've yammered on enough for today.  Have a great Sunday!  Tschus!

Cpn’ Tripps and Spring in KS

I'm watching' The Stand and thinking of swine flu and zombie virus outbreak and all that good stuff.  Seems to me that there are a lot of things in our lives that could go wrong and never do.  But since I don't trust the Government, who can really say it never will?  I hate the Govt. and trust them less then the people I work with.  If that says anything to you...

I've taken Patton to quite a few classes for his obedience training.  I think he's right on track for being a therapy dog.  He's very gentle, obedient and calm.  He serves as a good model for the aggressive and hyper dogs in class.  He really calms them down.  His trainer is also looking at using him for a therapy trainer for other dogs in training.  I've seen  a growly, aggressive dog become really passive around him. Kinda neat.

Work....well that' s just normal.  Nothing new.  Nothing good, nothing bad.  Just..........it is.  Still trying to figure out what to do with my life.

Ron and I have been working out together a lot while he goes to the track to run and I swim in the pool.  It keeps us mobile and burning off steam.  Practice with Patton for obedience is also a lot of work.  I am really happy to do that and to hang out with others who are into dog training and doggie resuce.

All I can do is keep being me and keep trying to work against all the diagnoses that I've been given.  I take my vitamins and supplements and medications and that's all I can do.  Keep on fightin' the good fight!

Tschus!

Mish mash

Holy shit, long time no blog!  I'd like to say there is nothing new in my life but there is tons going on.  So here is an update:

First off:  We beat Bioshock 2 just in time for the March 11th expansion pack. I haven't planned any of the online portions of the game yet so I can't really say much about the multiplayer, online death matches.  However the story was good for a sequel and the graphics, though at first seemed grainy, turned out to be really awesome.  I thought the game was harder overall with more melee type attacks.  Playing it on easy gave you a lot of hints that seemed a little unnecessary but that's ok too.  I love the art deco themes and the characters are interesting.

Second:  Lasik went awesome!  I can see!  It was horribly uncomfortable and while they give you a lot of valium, that just wears right off when you are under the laser.  It was nice that my husband was allowed to sit in there with me and I clawed the shit out of his hand during the procedure.  But the awfulness lasted only about 20 minutes followed by a horrible ride home.  I took something to help me sleep and by the time I woke up 4 hours later, I felt worn out but fine.  I did have to wear some groovy blinders at night for a few days to keep me from scratching my eyes.



I had some lovely impressions in my flesh every morning.  But it turned out really well and I'm happy with it.  No more contacts or glasses.  Schweet.

I've been working pretty hard at my health shit.  I found some books at the Half Price Bookstore which talk about fibromyalgia and endometriosis.  I'm working on a symptom and food diary to try to pinpoint triggers.  During this time I've had a fever that came out of nowhere and am trying to figure out if there is any rhyme or reason to things like that.  So we'll see what comes of this new experiment.  I still would like to lose the rest of the 40lbs I gained.  That means I have another 15-20lbs to go.  Being overweight and chronically ill is not easy.  It just exacerbates all your shit.

No new pets and no pets have passed away, no matter how old and infirm they are.   I'm starting Patton on obedience classes this coming week.  I hope that when he gets over his fear of oh.....EVERYTHING....he will be able to start training for a therapy dog program.  Our vet seems to think he'd be excellent at it because of his very mellow temperament.  He went in today to get his distemper shot and a heart worm test. He's a very sweet dog and I think he'd be a great ambassador for his part Staffordshire Terrier breed.  So many Pit mixes like him are put down right away or taken from their homes in cities with breed bans.  We are learning a lot about this because of our involvement with a pit bull rescue.  This volunteer work has been very rewarding as well as educational.  Just to get it out there, I fucking hate the media.  I hate them all.  Their mission is to sell news by freaking the shit out of everyone in a community.  Period.  Misinformation be damned!  We have to sell newspapers, ratings, etc!  Fuck the truth!  Ok sorry, I'm off my soapbox for now.

Last couple of thing:  I'm going to take a pinup photography class next weekend.  I'm going by myself, which for a hermit, is a big deal.  I'm freaked out by social situations like this but I think it will be fun and informative.  I think the new pin up style with the tatts and vintage/rockabilly themes are awesome.  This all proceeds the Pinups for Pit Bulls event in KC on the 19th.  I'm all for animal rescue organizations, beer and music.  Now, what to wear?  No clue...  The last item of discussion is that I really want another tattoo.  I'm trying to find something that reminds me of my mother.  Yesterday was the 26th anniversary of her passing.  A long ass time ago.  I really miss her and would like my next tatt to be something to do with her. Ron is pretty ready for more ink so we're going to investigate some new tattoo parlors.   And finally, I hope to hit up the roller derby around the end of the month.  It's going to be a girls night comprised of women I work with.  I think we're going to get a little drunk and watch some chicks on roller skates beat the crap out of each other.  That should be fun!

I'll update my blog with another stitch or two when the time is right.  I've got some ideas on the burner for new embroidery and I'm excited to get started.  So overall things are good but everyday is a learning experience.  Some times I fuck up royally and other days I have things in control.  I can't seem to predict from one day to the next how it's going to go.  Just doing the best I can!

Tschus.

Lethargy/Self-pity

I'm not sure if it is depression or plain laziness.  I haven't  been blogging much lately.  Of course, that could also be because of the lack of excitement in my life.

Well ok that's not entirely it.  We've decided to stop trying for a baby for a while.  My period isn't getting any better, in fact it in some ways is worse.  The pain is still there, although managed by pain killers, but it's lasting longer and is heavier.  We've tried for over a year and nothing.  Well we haven't tried THAT hard...it hurts to try so much.  On a recent trip to the GYN, I was told some of the pain I experience seems to be related to autoimmune disorders.  Seriously?  So sex is painful and it's just another by-product of other diseases?  Just kill me now.  She did say she didn't know what the connection is, only that a lot of women who have similar pain also seem to have immunity issues.

I have also been on steroids for a long time and can't keep going on that.  I need to go on some real RA drugs and those aren't good for babies unless you want a super pharmaceutical mutant baby.

I don't feel like a real woman.  I feel really dumb just TYPING that statement but it's true.

I'm sure once my hormones even out that I will feel better about it.  Having a birthday coming up isn't helping as the TICK TICK TICK sound just gets fucking louder.  Plus I'm having all these dreams lately about our children-seeing them, losing them, not being able to have them....they are so real.

It's not meant to be right now.  In the meantime we'll keep working towards our goal of getting a house and getting me healthier.  I have been in denial and I can't live that way anymore.  It isn't going to get better with nutrition, willpower, bare minimum medication, etc.  This is my life now.  Whether I want it or not, reality is setting in.  I just don't want to be super medicated but hey, what's one or two more drugs in my system?

All right, enough whining and bitching.  Life is hard, shit happens, etc. etc. etc.   I'll get over it and venting is helpful.  Thanks for listening to my discombobulated bitch-fest.

Here are some crafty things I've been working on lately.  I've only completed one and a half so far because I've been too damn depressed to do anymore than that.  *sigh*  I'll get them finished soon!