The Long and Winding Road

Sooooo it's been seven months since I last blogged. Not good, I realize that. Why did I stop? Oh yeah. It's been a helluva roller coaster. Some things get so bad, I can't even put thoughts to font. But I hope they get better soon. Because in about three weeks, I will have another furless creature to care for. Yep, we've spawned again, despite all my insistence there would never be another.

Instinct and hormones are extremely persuasive when it comes to reproduction. The urge to procreate is on par with insanity, I am convinced. However this round, things have not gone as smoothly. Things have been life changing and not all in a good way. I don't want to get into it though. The fucked up sequence of events has, believe it or not, pushed me into an even more emo/cynical/distrustful/hermit-like state of existence. Maybe some day I will come out of this and be less scary to strangers.

(PSSSSSST. There is a GIANT spider on our 12 foot tall ceilings and I can't stop glancing furtively up at it. I mean, the thing looks huge from down here. This does not bode well.)

So what's different about a second pregnancy? Well despite the fact it's been a fucked up ride, psychologically, it has been a lot harder. I believe part of that is age and part of that is the Toddler Tornado that zips throughout the house on a regular basis. She's a combination of sweet, fascinating, threatening, and hilarious sticky goodness. I love her to death but sometimes I want to invent some kind of breathable duct tape in order to stem the screams and shrieks emanating from her soul, often without warning. I can actually feel my ear drums cracking. Little kids can sure scream.

(Where the fuck is that spider?? I spaced out and I can't find him now. Show yourself, thine enemy! SHIT.)

So here are a few things about subsequent pregnancies I've learned in the last 36 weeks:

1. Hemorrhoids are so much worse. Seriously, if you can feel their presence, it's bad. I swear, it's like cherry tomatoes hanging off your ass.

2. You don't have a cute little belly this time. You start showing early and if you are "blessed" with certain genes, you will become a ginormous, angry, pregnant woman. I won't even measure myself around this time.

3. The smell of a poopy diaper can and will result in violent vomiting. If you are lucky and still don't have complete bladder control from your first pregnancy, then you can enjoy pissing yourself while projectile puking. Being a stay at home mom, I was often the only person home and those diapers fell onto me to change. Oh dear Christ. And my silly, happy little girl didn't understand why mommy was running out of the room, making strange and guttural sounds, during diaper changes.

I honestly can't think of any more nuggets/dingleberries of wisdom. I am so unbelievably tired and I won't get any sleep, ever, until all the kids move out. Or I die. Whichever comes first.

It's time to close this post. I promise to write more often during all the fabulous down time I'm about to have. HAHAHAHHAAAA. Anyways, pray for an early delivery please. I have tickets to Paul McCartney six days after my induction date and I plan on going even if I'm stoned on percocet and sitting on a doughnut cushion. Thanks for tuning in. Until next time...

(There he is, that mother fucker. I think I hear him laughing at me.)

Posse: Assembled

I finally have my post-natal support team assembled! I've visited with my rheumatologist, my counselor and now my pain doctor, as well as my OBGYN of course. All my conditions have been addressed and I'm ready to tackle them once EK gets here.

The last to get on team Bex was my pain doctor. Since I haven't been there in a while, they made me take a drug test. I'm 9+ months pregnant and taking a drug test. It was a little weird but I understand where they are coming from. And since I disclosed everything I do take, nothing illegal or of a narcotic nature, I had nothing to hide. Still, I had an initial reaction of "Really?"

I'm not sure how so many people are abusing prescription pain killers. They don't make it easy to get a hold of them. And in my state, the pharmacies are able to track controlled prescriptions so you can't fill in one place, get another 'script and fill again somewhere else. Yet I still read articles about how people are OD'ing on prescription drugs and how states want to further regulate their use. And from what I have read on this issue, it's not the pain patients who are abusing the drugs. It's people who steal/buy/obtain pain medication without medical need for it. So to combat the addicts who don't need these drugs, we punish the people who do. Isn't that great? I say we legalize marijuana, even though apparently that is the first most abused drug in our nation. At some point, people need to learn to be responsible. If you are going to abuse drugs, you run the risk of killing yourself. I hate to be so cold-hearted, but when someone's addiction directly affects your life, you tend to get bitter and resentful.

Well now, I didn't mean to hop up on a soapbox. I'll go through the hoops because I am not abusing the system. It sucks and it means a lot more driving around, but I will do whatever I have to in order to keep active.

I'm so relieved and thankful to have everything I need all set up and ready to go. Some family members on both sides are facing health issues right now and we are worried for them. But we are thinking positive for everyone and praying for good outcomes. Nothing like a little stress right at the end, eh? :)

Life at 36 Weeks

My life at 36 weeks:

*It feels like someone is repeatedly kicking me in the genitals and, when the flesh is good and raw, pouring hot sauce all over it. You can add this to the Wish I Had Known list of shit that happens to a pregnant woman's body.

*Add the above to hemorrhoids. I don't think I need to elaborate on this.

*Skin tags and moles! Oh joy! They are popping up EVERYWHERE! By the end of this pregnancy, I'm afraid I'll look like the demon who ate kittens in the series Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

*Back aches. Holy hell that one sucks. And it's not just where you would expect either. Because the top part of my body is so scrawny, I seem to lack the muscles to hold myself upright properly. By the end of the day, the muscles and nerves between my shoulder blades are screaming. It's definitely a fibro symptom because I've had similar flares in that area. Add the lower back to it and I'll soon be able to add my name to the list of eligible, hunchbacked side kicks.

*Gastric functions are at an all time high. I've never had heartburn in my life until this. And it reached a new level a few weeks ago with horrible pain. It felt like a geyser of acid threatening to shoot out of my mouth. I imagine it to be like the blood from the Alien creatures; whomever comes near me will risk being hit by a torrent of acidic, hot liquid which can eat through organic, fleshy materials and metals. Thankfully, there is a mint-infused version of Zantac that is safe to take and it almost completely eradicates this threat to all humanity. And yes, you can take that as a product endorsement.

*Hormonal? OH JUST A LITTLE. I can go from crying to wanting to molest my husband in about 5 seconds. Not to mention, I'm also impatient and crabby. We're definitely riding the crazy train here.

*Brain power and coordination are greatly diminished. It almost seems like a cruel joke from Mother Nature to make a creature so goddamn clumsy but who also finds it almost impossible to bend over. I can't even guess how many things I've dropped on the floor only to find it excruciatingly difficult to retrieve. (I huff and I puff and I BEEEENNNNNNNND my ass over.) Also it is hard to find the words to express myself or form complete thoughts. A thesaurus wouldn't even help me because I don't even have one word I can bring forth from my brain to look up. "What's another word for that thing?" *points* "That THING over there? Yeah what is that?" Fffffuuuuuuuu.....

If you add all this together, I feel like a hunched over, gigantic monster with bad skin and an inflamed crotch, who while bawling, is chasing some poor man around the house, yelling for sex in monosyllabic grunts, all the while crashing into furniture, and only pausing to suppress a Hiroshima-like vurp.

So that's pretty much where I'm at these days. So if you want to ask me how I'm feeling, I might just continue to point you to this blog. The good news is, I really don't need to invest in a costume for Halloween this year. I am scary enough already. Have a great Halloween everyone!

Tschus.

Lawd, I see the light!

I went in today for the baby's growth scan, her movement test and my normal medical exam. Peeing in a cup every two weeks is nothing spectacular. But you know, there are ways to make it a little fun. I like to put pictures on my urine cup every time I go. I encourage you all to find ways to make your medical visits a little more silly. I guarantee if they ever think they've lost my sample, all I have to do is say "Look for the cup with a smiley face on it."

Sometimes I do smiley faces, sometimes it's a flower with a smiley face and today it was a sun smiling! I have happy pee.

This baby went from being tiny and only 23% on the growth scale to just plain normal at 54%! Just a month ago she wasn't even 5 lbs and today she is 6 lbs. We're 35.5 weeks in and I can finally see the end coming. Whew!

The last weekend was tough. I managed to take a really wonderful walk in the country on Saturday with Horry; it was beautiful. I also attended a volunteer party with Patton and Ron and walked Tobin a few blocks. It was such an eventful and fun day! My neighbors had me over for their little bonfire and it was fun to sit, chat and eat S'mores. Sunday I did some house work and errands but by the end of the day, I could hardly walk. My legs were so swollen and the knees ached so much. I wanted to cry.

Because of that, I don't want to let things take its course and let the baby come when she may. I know this will set off alarms for all the moms who choose to let their bodies go into labor naturally. However the longer I go, the more limited my mobility becomes. Now if I sit on the couch all day and don't do housework - just SIT - I will be ok. However I don't want to sit on the couch for 5 more weeks, only getting up to eat and go to the bathroom. If I was on bedrest because the baby was in danger, you bet I'd do it. But the baby is doing amazing! She's perfect in fact. If I go for walks, clean my house, run my errands, I risk flu-like fatigue and inflamed joints.

Once I hit 38 weeks, my doctor can go ahead and schedule the induction. But right now we are looking at going into the hospital on the 20th, starting the cervical softener and then starting Pitocin on the 21st. I am so relieved. This means I know when I can start up my RA meds again and I know that we won't be stuck in 1-2 hours of road construction traffic that plagues the weekends here. Those were my two concerns, especially since we live so far from the hospital. Mentally this makes me feel so much better too. No more wondering if we'll go into December or worrying that the weather is going to keep getting colder before I can get my wonder drugs back inside me. Hooray!

Nursery pics here.

That's my news for today! Happy pee and induction in sight. Have a groovy Monday, tschus!

Al and Jane say it best

"In life you have to do a lot of things you don't fucking want to do. Many times, that's what the fuck life is... one vile fucking task after another." -Al Swearengen, Deadwood.

Life isn't always this dramatic or shitty but it certainly can be a challenge. I've been dealing with depression all of my life. I can remember it being bad as far back as 5th grade, when I was a super dorky outcast in my school who had no friends. I even wrote in my diary about how I wished I was dead. Not very chipper! Every time I've tried counseling, I have always quit when it became too painful.

Things changed with my various conditions and issues. Anxiety is now a part of this whole vicious circle. When the pain gets bad, I get anxious because I can't do things like work, clean house, take the dogs for a walk, etc. Then I get depressed, the pain gets worse and things just go from there. I started to really feel out of control when I found out about the pregnancy. All the doubts I've had about myself are amplified now that I know a little human is going to rely on me for everything. Talk about pressure!

I saw a new counselor today who specializes in chronic illnesses. She told me that there are upsides to being chronically ill. I just stared at her and though, ok I'll bite. So I asked her what could possibly be good about it?? She told me that people who face chronic pain and sickness often have more wisdom and patience than those who are healthy. She said we have a different perspective that can be helpful sometimes. I didn't get to discuss this at length with her, as we had a lot to talk about. But perhaps she is right. Maybe we stop and smell the roses a little more than other people? And maybe we appreciate those little things more, like a sunny day, a walk around the neighborhood, a successful outing with friends. I can see how I have more patience now then I did when I was younger and healthier. Now when things turn out less than perfect, I don't get as upset as much or as quickly as I used to. So what? Things have been worse. And probably will be again. No sweat! And sometimes I sit and listen to people's problems and I can instantly see how they are being too hard on themselves. We are indeed, our own worst critics.

I guess I've never looked at things this way before. That doesn't make the frustration, anger and sadness go away instantly. But it helps a little.

There are other things I need to work through but the immediate need is to find ways not to let depression and anxiety take over when my pain flares up. It's so hard because before the pregnancy, it was a cycle of horrible endometrial pain, followed by a fibromyalgia flare and the aches and pains of arthritis thrown into the mix. By the time the cycle had finished, my period would start again. It is hard even for someone who isn't a pessimist like myself to look on the bright side during all that. And I'd get so tired of people saying that even though I feel horrible, at least I look good! Oh yes, because that's all that matters to me. That I look pretty some times. Jeezus.

People who know me in person know that I am no hippy. I don't care for herbal medicine, mainly because I've tried so many things and made myself sicker in the process. However I am pretty excited that this counselor is going to teach me relaxation techniques. When you are experiencing tremendous pain, your body tends to tighten up everywhere. Pretty soon you notice that while the pain started in your gut, for example, it is now radiating all over your back and neck. I'm hoping that this will prevent the spread of pain from tension and stress.

So here I go, back on the emotional roller coaster. Instead of gritting my jaw and pushing down all those fears and anxieties, I'm back to facing them head on. Who knows how long this will take but I'll be damned if I let this shit threaten my relationships anymore. Especially little EK who needs me to be as healthy as I can be, mentally and physically. I want to be ok with the fact that some days I have to be loaded up on pain killers, resting on the couch and letting my kid watch a cartoon, no matter what the American Academy of Pediatrics says right now. Maybe it's just retraining myself to let go of the desire to be a perfectionist in many areas of my life.

I'll just end this now with another quote from one of my other favorite characters from the show Deadwood. Have a great evening, tschus.

"Them what gets cured by Calamity Jane STAYS fuckin' cured."

It's the final countdown!

Now get THAT song out of your head! *Evil Laugh Track*

I have seven weeks to go. That's it. I've moved on from the "holy shit, this has to come out of that little hole!" to "just get this kid out of me already." This is how nature mentally prepares you for child birth. The fetus presses on the bladder, smashing into a nerve that makes it down right painful and urgently requires you to pee. The horrific back pain after being on your feet for a limited amount of time. The fetal hiccups lasting for ten minutes at 3AM. Braxton-Hicks contractions every day, squeezing my gut and then the pressure shooting up into my throat.

This last trip to the doc showed her back in the breech position, with her head neatly tucked under my ribs. Ahhh yes. This explains why it feels like someone is puncturing my lungs every time I sit down.

Therefore seeing an end in sight is quite welcome. I don't even care about the upcoming pain or the sleepless nights or the rank diapers. I'm just ready to see her and hold her and of course, to have my old, defective body back. I never would have imagined that I'd want my old body back, for as much as it let me down, didn't work right and created so much pain for me. Surprisingly it has done this one thing right. It has so far successfully cooked a turkey. I know that when all the hormones that are protecting me disappear, the pain, the overwhelming fatigue, and the constant muscle aches will try to grab a hold of me again. Maybe I can fight it off this time and maybe not. Either way, it will be good to no longer be hosting my little fetal parasite. If only I could put her in my husband's testicles for the remainder of the pregnancy. Wouldn't that be great?

I've also been exhibiting a massive amount of nesting behavior. I can't sit the fuck down and rest until I'm so exhausted and in pain that I have no other choice. But the guest room closets are cleaned out. the laundry room has shelves and bins organized for their specific contents. The baby clothes are sorted by size and I'm in the process of washing every item. I even scrubbed the banister that separates the dining area from the great room. All that is left to do is paint a couple more rooms. My poor husband has not had a moment's peace in months. His wife has completely succumbed "Teh Crazee."

Maybe I should take some tips from this book a friend got me. I see some excerpts on the web and I find them to be really helpful. Oh shit, break dancing is not allowed? Dammit.

I will try to get some personal pics taken for the next blog post. I just couldn't resist these Safe Baby illustrations. So that's all for now!! If you need me, I'll be wigging the fuck out over curtains or lamps or on some new quest to find something to eat. Tschus.

TMI: The Taint

It t'aint this and it t'aint that. This is another one of those frank pregnancy posts so quit reading here if you don't wanna know.

There is no shame, no pride: nothing to embarrass me anymore. That all pretty much went away during all the surgeries, the fertility treatments, etc. I didn't think I had anything left to hide but preparing for a baby has shown me differently.

In order to try and prevent the perineum, or more loving known as "taint", from tearing during child birth, a woman can do certain things to stretch things out ahead of time. They call it perineum massage. When you think about a head coming out of there, and things tearing, then you know why this is a far better alternative.

I can't see my damn junk anymore to know if I'm doing it right. And my little mirror does not balance well on the bed. I am fortunate that my spouse is not embarrassed by anything and perfectly willing to do whatever needs to be done. How we will ever have a normal, passionate sex life in the future, I have no idea. I'll put in an illustration so you can see what I mean.

Interesting, no? But far better to do that then to experience this, if possible:

Oh my fuckin' God, no way!

So the instructions say to insert thumbs and pull downward until you feel a stinging or burning sensation. Once it starts to burn, hold it for several minutes and then pull outwards. So yeah, the stinging starts and I said OK ENOUGH FUCK THAT HURTS! And Ron, being very clinical said, ok now we have to hold for two minutes. I asked him to tell me a story to distract me. The only thing that came to his mind was the plot to Happy Gilmore. So he told me about a hockey player who needed money to get his grandma's house and how he went off to play golf. Ha ha!

All through the 8 minutes of stingy taint, my husband is telling me about Happy Gilmore. It was a good distraction and did make me laugh. We have to do this once a day until delivery and I am going to have him tell me a story each time. We'll see what other interesting summaries of movies I can get out of him.

Let me just reiterate how unsexy this was. It was uncomfortable. Not exactly painful but it definitely did not feel nice. When one reads "massage" in there, you tend to think of something that feels good. It's amazing what you will do though when you think about your genitalia ripping and being sewn back up. Taint stretches? You betcha!

Tired, tired, tired

It's been a rough couple of weeks. Nothing major but just having a hard time sleeping because of the aches and pains. I find that the RA is flaring up in my face of all places, specifically my jaw. It's hard to eat and laying on my side aggravates it too. But you are supposed to lay on your side so what are ya gonna do? Maybe one of those fancy foam pillows would help.

Also, I did a maternity photo shoot the other day and felt pretty great afterwards, confident that I hadn't overdone it. Wrong. I woke up the next day hardly able to move. From my neck down to my calves, it was nothing but a giant ache. Dinner plans were canceled, I soaked in Epsom salts, put a heating pad on my back and followed up with ice. It got a little better but dumb ass me, in an effort to be all natural on my woes, I took a couple fish oil pills yesterday evening. Wow, big mistake. I forgot how that stuff stimulates the brain! It completely counteracted the sleep medication I take each night. I should have slept hard but instead I didn't feel sleepy all night. I just laid on the couch, dozing every so often. I did get a couple hours of sleep in the morning and another 45 minute nap later today so I guess that's good. I forgot how sensitive my brain is to certain things. Thank you Fibromyalgia. Or should I say, Fuck you.

Another day of Zombie Bex.

I'm not really sure why, maybe it's because of a couple comments I've read here and there, but I feel almost completely disassociated with my former social circles, online and in person. I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere, or maybe I'm too tired to try anymore. It doesn't help that I feel unable to form a creative thought anymore. Maybe that goes away with the pregnancy, who knows. I think the other part of it is that I feel like a big Nobody. I don't want to be just a mom. I want to be a mom who writes, who creates, who has her own interests. Whenever I talk about that, I get so much resistance from people. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "your life ends when your baby's is born." "All you are is her mom now and when she's off to college, you can do XYZ."

So tell me this: why? Is this really how life has to be or is that how some people chose or allowed their lives to be and therefore they perpetuate that crap in order to make themselves feel better? I don't know. I certainly expect her first few years to be very demanding. She is going to need her dad and me a lot because she cannot take care of herself. And I'm going to want to be with her a lot, to experience all those firsts with her.

But her life can be incorporated with my own interests too. She can go on hikes with me. She can go to petting zoos, family days at museums, watch movies, volunteer with the dogs, etc. I think back to when I was a full time step-mom to a 3 1/2 year old. We did lots of fun things together in those 8 years. Certainly kids have a short attention span and you may not get to do everything you want to do when you go out, and you need to incorporate kid friendly activities on your outings, but it is definitely not an either/or lifestyle.

Hell, I finished college and went through graduate school while taking care of a kid. If I choose to go back to school when EK is older, I think that's quite doable. I think everything is easier when you only have one child. Maybe people are thinking of their lives after having more than one kid. Either way, I think the comments along the line of "you will have no life once you have a child" are really negative and unnecessary. And to be honest, I've kind of quit talking to a quite a few people because of this. I'm not mad at anyone but I just don't know how to respond. (I realize this is my fault. I shouldn't let what others say affect me. Different opinions shouldn't bring me down.)

I have some ideas of things I can do that aren't very consuming but will give me immense satisfaction. Once my MIL moves up here, I think I will be able to take about 4 hours a week to do these things. I don't need to be super mom with a big career, trying to do it all. I'm just asking for some time to nurture myself so I can be a better wife and mother. If I just live for other people, who am I? A Stepford wife? I don't know, but what I do feel is that I won't like that person very much.

That being said, I'm so excited to see this baby. Every week when I see her on the ultrasound, I get a little giddy. Last week I cried when I could see her face on the screen. I just never thought this would be possible. I can't wait to see her personality come out, to teach her how to nurture her own interests and talents. How to be a strong woman while facing so many issues on the road to adulthood. We'll play silly games, make up songs and watch cartoons. I'll teach her to bake and cook, to find cool rocks when we're out on walks...all kinds of fun stuff. And I'm sure there will be a lot of days when my body is not going to do jack shit and I'll have to lay on the fucking couch all day. But I'm hoping she will dig watching old Scooby Doo eps or putting puzzles together so mommy can rest. I guess we'll just see how it goes.

I'll end this emo post with a sneak preview of my photo proofs from this week. I am trying to choose five to have edited and am having a hard time narrowing it down. I really wanted something fun, different and pin up for my maternity pictures. Here are a couple that I like.

*Photos are unedited and taken by Vixen Pin Up Photography. All rights for use and distribution are held by Vixen.

Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow and this isn't how things are to be for the next 9 weeks!! Have a good 'un. Tschus.

Wish I Had Known

WARNING: If easily embarrassed about female anatomy, pregnancy, crass language, please skip this blog post.

I am about two-thirds of the way through my first pregnancy. Since I didn't want to scare myself and crank up the anxiety meter any more than it already naturally is, I didn't read up much on pregnancy.

However, there are a few things I wish I had known before I got pregnant. I've decided to compile a list. Feel free to add your own "wish I had knowns" to the comments. *I reserve the right to add to the list after I complete the remaining three months.

1. Forget the toes, where's my junk?

I always heard cute stories about how a pregnant woman's belly grows so big that she can no longer see her toes. What I didn't seem to realize was that everything is overshadowed by the belly before the toes are affected. One day I looked down and screamed, "I can't see my genitalia!!!"

If you are a woman who regularly grooms the bikini area, you'll soon realize that you can no longer see your junk to trim. Wtf. Unless you are willing to pay someone to trim your hedges, you may have to get used to a '70's bush.

2. Acne...EVERYWHERE.

Oh my god, it's like being a teenager times 100. My skin looks like a cooked, cheese pizza. My face is oily, and my chest, back and scalp are also. I've never had a back-ne problem this bad in my life. I feel like a preggo Pizza the Hut.

3. Delicate flower vs. Preg-zilla

Everyone treats a pregnant lady like they are going to break. Sometimes I feel delicate, like an egg on the edge of a table. But some days I feel like I could crush someone's wind pipe with my bare hands. I did threaten to shove dog shit down a neighbor kids's throat but later I found out the the kid is indeed a little bastard and probably deserved it. However no shit was ever inserted into said bastards mouth. As of today, no one has been seriously harmed, maimed, or disfigured by me and I have not shattered into a million pieces. *I reserve the right to also amend this statement.

4. Body hair

Yes, it's true that hormones and vitamins make your hair grow thicker and faster. But I didn't think of my body hair in this little tidbit of information. It's everywhere and it's growing faster than the alien green moss that took over Stephen King in Creepshow.

My stomach, toes, ass crack....there is no sexiness left.

But yes, my mane is long and thick, if not more unruly then it was before. If I take the time to style it, it looks quite nice. But I'm too damn tired most days and it normally looks oily and flat on top while bushy on the bottom. Nice. I'm also paranoid that it's getting thinner on the top. I'm scared one day I'll wake up to look like Cookie the Clown. *shudder*

5. Morning sickness isn't like it is in the movies.

So those scenes in movies where the actress has morning sickness? She feels ill, runs to the restroom, pukes and goes back to work. Yeah. Fucking. Right. I am fortunate not to have vomited a lot but when I did, it was as if my whole body threw up, not just my stomach. The heartburn was incredible! My stomach cramped so hard during the retching that I pissed myself. There was no control over my body anymore. I was too sick to even be humiliated. I'm just happy I didn't also shit myself.

And I didn't have a wave of nausea and then feel better. It lasted all day. I lost almost 10 lbs. Ginger ale and crackers do help however. I learned to just eat whatever the fuck didn't offend my sense of smell or awaken the Satan-stomach. Most days it was Ritz crackers and cheddar cheese.

6. Everyone will treat you like you're stupid so you might as well run with it.

Yep, the minute you get pregnant, people will treat you like you have no common sense, cannot take care of yourself and need constant advice on everything. Even if you didn't have mush-brain, you might as well just act like you do. Play up the stupid, why not? While people are patronizing you and chastising your decisions, you can secretly plot their deaths. I liken it to Pinky and the Brain.

7. Bodily functions are no longer as embarrassing when expressed in public.

I've never been super flatulent so this is a new and uncomfortable change. I try to contain myself in public whenever possible but let's face it. As months go by, there is less and less room in there. I've scared Patton with my farts, poor dog. And when you gotta go, you don't care if you are in the middle of the ghetto Mall of the Great Plains. You announce it, perhaps too loudly in the store, to your spouse that "I HAVE TO SHIT---NOW!" and you get to the bathroom ASAP.

Another movie metaphor to illustrate my point:



I'm going to stop here. Why stop at 7? My pregnant brain can't think anymore today. I'm sure more things will be added to this list as my belly continues to eclipse my feet. I leave you with a humorous parody by a woman who is 38 weeks along.



Tschus!

My Breast Enemies

Huzzah! Somebody out there gets it! I just ran across this article today on Parenting.com called "The Breast Police." The article begins with stories of women who have been harassed and bullied while out buying formula or bottle feeding their babies in public. Since becoming obviously pregnant, I have had a little more of the unwanted advice from well-intentioned people. I do know what it's like to have people question your every move, every decision, every piece of food or drink that enters your mouth because you are pregnant. This article came to me at an appropriate time.

It would be interesting to find out when breastfeeding became so taboo, so sexualized and embarrassing in our society. I know I was formula fed in the '70's but apparently it wasn't for my mom's lack of trying. She just never could do it. I don't think groups like La Leche League were around then so she probably didn't have a good support system to assist her. Thankfully, while not as good as mother's milk, formula is now so much better, in better containers (no BPA, thank you!) and babies can gain weight and be healthy on formula. Without knowing the details of how our society shifted in thinking, I would think after the sexual revolution that a more earthy, natural way to feed our babies would be more accepted. That doesn't seem to be the case though. I think it's really sad that women are made to feel disgusting for breastfeeding in public.

However, that doesn't make it right for anyone, especially other women, to harass women who bottle feed their babies. My god people, when will you learn that life is not divided into black and white? I know that I can't breastfeed. Hey, my boobs are gone ;there is no bringing them back! I'm sure there are plenty of women who cannot or choose not to breastfeed because they need to be on certain medications, have a low milk production, cannot for the life of them get their baby to take the breast, etc. Why is that anyone else's business but hers? And how can you possibly assume anything by looking at her and furthermore, why would you ever give a nasty look or open your mouth to this person?

Personally, I agonized about getting my mastectomy because I hadn't had a chance to have children yet. I wanted to breastfeed not only for the health of the baby, but for the bonding experience. I cried over it and finally talked to my dad about it. He said, "Why are you so worried? Your mom didn't breastfeed with any of you kids." And while I have health issues, none of them are because my mother formula fed me. From all accounts, I was a pretty healthy baby and all the attention given to me by my mother is what created our bond. (As an aside, the hospital where I got my mastectomy was renovating their surgical ward so I recovered in the maternity ward. As I was leaving the nurse asked how I was and I said tired and sore. She said to get used to be tired for the next 18 years. I looked at her and said, "I didn't give birth, I had a mastectomy." Blank stare.)

I'd like to say this is a backlash for all the shit breastfeeding moms get when nursing in public. However I'm more inclined to think that this is just how women are. Take this situation away and it would be something else. Remember the lady who let her little boy dress up as a female cartoon character for Halloween? The teachers and moms at her schools not only gave her shit, they bullied her son! I'm not saying men don't act like this but more often than not this is women tearing down other women for their decisions.

The final paragraph really sums this up well: "The politics of breastfeeding in this country is, after all, more about mothering than about milk. And mothers, for some reason, have always been the most meddled-with, second-guessed people on earth. Just a few decades ago, doctors in this country would push breastfeeding women to use formula if their babies weren't gaining weight at an acceptable rate, and mothers who nursed outside the home were considered lewd. Now, a mom who gives a hungry infant a little formula is led to believe by some people she's poisoning him. When will the world learn to trust mothers? When will concerned strangers give women they don't know the benefit of the doubt? These are matters that society may tackle someday. In the meantime, moms soldier on, doing what they must -- the very best they can."

So far I have found that along with my normal, neutral face, that tattoos have kept away any of the strange "belly touchers" out there. And I haven't had too much unsolicited advice from strangers but rather from people I know. I am hoping that my tattoos continue to thwart uppity people who may have some comments for me when I'm out buying formula or when I put a bottle in our baby's mouth while at a restaurant. I feel terrible for anyone who is harassed by anyone for anything.

But I also think we need to start empowering ourselves. No one can make you feel like shit if you don't let them. So if you are bottle feeding, be prepared for the looks and the comments. I suggest preparing a list of snide remarks to hand out to those jerk wagons who feel they have a right to comment on your personal business. Get artsy with it! Make a logo to go with your creative "fuck offs!"

And I really recommend the tattoos. :)

Gardening update and things to come

Whew so much going on this week!

I had a checkup with my OB on Monday. It went really well. I gained back the weight I lost but nothing else yet. I expect to start really packing it on in about another month. I am sticking to the increased dosage of steroids because I am able to walk about every other day without my knees getting too sore. I tried tapering down the other day and paid for it. So hell with that: if it's working and I'm not exploding with weight or trying to kill anyone, then why mess with it? I also heard the baby's heartbeat again which is always reassuring. He/she was moving around so much, that we could only hear the swishing sound of movement but eventually we got a heartbeat. My doctor said it was so amazing to hear it from her point of view because she has seen the inside of my guts. She removed so much endometriosis so many times that she is amazed this happened. I feel so freakin' blessed. So many of my endo sisters haven't been able to have children and after being infertile for a few years, I know how lucky I am.

When my dad was here, we bought and hauled a ton of dirt into the garden box. It took a day to do that and another day to plant it. Right after we filled it with dirt, manure and peat moss, two of the dogs plopped right into the garden. Horace looked happy as a clam to dig away in it. Therefore we decided in an effort to head off the bunnies who have been nibbling my marigolds and to thwart the little shits, errr beloved dogs, we would put up a little fence around it. Ron got that up right after planting and so far it's worked great. He separated one panel so I will be able to get the fence down to walk around in there when needed.



We have three tomatoes (plum, cheery and yellow), two peppers (green and yellow), white onions (Ron hollered at me because I didn't get the non-stinging kind), carrot seeds and a zucchini. I plan to snake the zucchini up along the fence when it starts to branch out.



This was an existing flower bed when we moved here. The big plant in the back will get some flowering shoots but I'm not sure what it is. I got four snapdragon plants on sale early in the spring and so far they are doing really well, despite the dogs stomping around in there.



Closeup of my bird feeding/flower garden. The crab grass is taking over and some of the bird seed has sprouted. I do lay down lawn clippings about twice a month to help enrich the soil and retain moisture. I don't want to put any weed or grass killer in there though because the birds and dogs could get sick.



Are these Tiger Lillies? These were here along with the Irises when we moved here. I love these! My neighbor has some in their front yard and they look lovely.



And here is an overview of the bird area. The decorative, light colored grass on the right is really taking over as well. I'm thinking of thinning that out.

I think this fall or next year we can do another garden box. Maybe that would hold the vining plants like zucchini and cucumbers. I did put in some rhubarb roots in the front yard on the south side where they will be unmolested or ingested by the dogs. I'd like to put some herbs in next year on either side of the rhubarb if it grows there.

Things are so much better now, it's a 180 degree turn around. I was so depressed a few months ago that I just wanted the earth to swallow me up. I'm so glad the docs worked together and got me on these drugs because even though I have a harder time sleeping, I have more energy and less pain. I learned that while it gives me more energy, it's not fool-proof. My dad's visit really wore me out. I was unable to do anything put lay around the house for the last day and a half he was here. But he seemed to understand and was content to have some baseball time on the tv in the guest room. I still swell up too but at least it seems to go away with some rest and compression wraps.

In the last four months I've learned to say no and to pull back and really concentrate on what I can do instead of what I can't do. This is the hardest part of having chronic illnesses: learn to focus on what you CAN do. I think it's especially tough in the winter when the sun is never out, it's so cold that everything hurts and you can't get out to exercise. I have talked to my counselor and I'll be getting a light box next winter as well as working a little more aggressively with the pain doctors after the baby is born. I really don't want to feel as shitty as I did this year with a newborn in the house. That terrifies me.

I've felt a lot of guilt for pulling out of most of my volunteer gigs. I want to help so badly but the physical and emotional demands were just beyond me right now. I try to do what I can to help animals through emails, social networking and donations. And Patton and I still go to the nursing home which is the best feeling in the world. I hope that someday I can go back to doing more but for now, things need to be this way.

Tomorrow I'm off to my old work place to see the Princess Dianna exhibit (in support of all the hard work my former co-workers did on it) before it leaves on Monday and then having lunch with my old gang. I'm so excited to see them! My coworkers were like my family for so long. I really miss the daily interaction I had with them. No matter how pissy I was or how weird I was, I was always in good company. And then Saturday I have pet therapy and then getting my hair done all pin-up and then the big event! I'm so excited to finally meet the founder of Pinups for Pit Bulls (Little Darling, who has been very sweet to me) and Shorty Rossi of Animal Planet's Pit Boss. If you are in the KC area, please come! You can still get tickets, go here to get them!

Whew, I need to take a nap just posting all of this. I don't know how long I'll last on Saturday but dammit I'm going.

Stay cool everyone, tschus!

To the future Bex: A reminder

Well I haven't felt much like blogging these days. There are a few reasons, mostly revolving around an extreme paranoia of being judged as a bad mom or as a whiny idiot.

But I thought I should record some of this in the event I ever get crazy enough to consider being pregnant again, not that I made a conscience decision this time to do it.

About two weeks ago I noticed the joints of my knees really grinding together and causing pain. I attributed it to the walks I enjoy taking when I feel well. Then the weather got cold and the pain started radiating through my fingers. Ankles came next, then the hips. I have a lot of swelling especially in my legs after I am on my feet for a while or I go for walks. So I went back to the Rheumatologist who told me around 50% of women with RA go into remission during pregnancy. Umm, that's great...for THEM. I'm back on steroids now and am feeling insanely hungry again. Not just sort of hungry. But ravenous! Add that to the second trimester cravings and you have a crazy eating machine.

So when my body goes through a painful flare, I find that unconsciously I change my posture to compensate for the pain in my joints. Therefore I'm carrying my body unnaturally, putting strain on my muscles. That in turn causes a fibromyalgia flare and now just putting the tiniest pressure on my muscles causes a very painful response. Fucking hell!

Try explaining this to your doctors who already treat every pain patient like a junkie hypochondriac. Add a pregnancy in that and you have the air of a preggo pain pill addict looking for a fix. It took me all day to explain to the OB nurse yesterday that I already had some mild pain pills and are they safe to take at this stage in the pregnancy until this flare goes away? She thought I was looking for a prescription and told me to call my Rheumatologist. I don't want a prescription, I just want to know if what I have is safe to take. If I was addicted to the damn things, I wouldn't have any left because I would have taken them all by now. I've had them for 5 months!

I think I'll go back to the pain doctor because perhaps he can at least prescribe massages and maybe that's covered by insurance. I don't know, hopefully there is something safe and natural I can do to help this if the flare doesn't resolve itself soon. Plus I'll give this prenatal yoga dvd a try.

I know as a pregnant woman I have much more at stake than just my own health. I'm asking questions, not taking anything unless I have to and only if one of my doctors tells me it's ok. And I understand why pregnant women are told to suck it up when they have aches and pains. But what if you have chronic pain and then get pregnant? How do you "suck it up?" What if you are part of the 50% who do not go into remission?

I hate people, especially those in positions of authority over others who view things in a black and white context. Can you tell I'm frustrated?

In other news, to the future Bex, at least the nausea is pretty much gone. I can eat all kinds of foods now instead of broiled chicken and rice. My belly is starting to pop out and I've put back on the few pounds that I lost.

Six more months to go. Hopefully this flare will go away soon and I'll be pain free for a few months, until I'm too huge to be comfortable. I know I can do this, I just wish I felt that I had more support. No one really understands. I don't blame them for not getting it but I hate to be dismissed.

Anyways, my fingers are killing me so I'll stop here. So future me, when you have this cute, wriggling little being in your arms and think awwww that wasn't so bad, well just remember ADOPTION. Also I'd like to throw in the word VASECTOMY too. And remember the PREGNANCY RAGE you experienced as well as the explosive DIARRHEA and intense DRY HEAVING. It will all be worth it future Bex, but perhaps the aforementioned ADOPTION will be best if you two crazy cats want more kids.

While I wait...

We were hoarding some Best Buy gift certificates and last weekend we finally cashed them in for a new television. While we were there, we got a good deal on Direct TV and so here I sit, waiting on the cable guy. So while I wait, I figured I'd freshed up the 'ol blog.

By the way, I shared my Dish TV rant with the Direct TV salesman, stating that I have been dead set on changing cable providers ever since the big Walking Dead incident of November 2010. Halfway into my bitch-fest about how Dish took away AMC right before the season finale, I realized, once again, I was waxing poetic about zombies while wearing a zombie tshirt.

Will my geekery ever end? *sigh*

Earlier this week I was doing some internet research on stages of pregnancy and what to expect. I read a thread about what not to eat, especially alcohol. This is a hot topic it seems as some doctors have told moms-to-be to go ahead and have a glass of red wine once a week at certain stages of pregnancy. I'm not starting a debate on this, keep in mind. I just found some of the responses....interesting. Of course you get the obligatory comment: "if any mom has a glass of wine while pregnant, someone should call Department of Social Services on her!!!" "And then there were the other comments like: "If a doctor says it's ok, it's ok. No one should be calling Social Services blah blah." This is pretty normal to see the over-reactive women and then the more laid-back women. But there were two comments by two different women that really annoyed me. They were both something like this: "OMG last night I dreamed I was drinking wine and then I woke up totally freaked out because I thought I REALLY HAD DRUNK IT! LOLOMGWTF!!!"

So what happens to me last night? I had a dream about drinking wine. Only I didn't wake up and think "OMG did I drink some wine last night?!??!" Instead I thought "why the hell did I just dream about eating fancy cheese and drinking pinot grigio with Dave Chappelle??????"

Maybe the moral of the story is just to read enough to get the information you are seeking. But only read the comments sections if you want to risk losing a significant amount of brain cells and possibly fuck up your dreams.



Have a good day everyone, I'm off to rummage sale hell this weekend and a wee bit of volunteering with Patton. Tschus!

Bag of holding

What a day. I've been up and down a lot lately! The other day I sat in on a meeting between a couple ladies from a volunteer-run museum and the web content developer from one of the regional libraries. I had no idea how much I miss talking about and working on digital archives. Hell, just archives period! It felt good to "talk shop." I've been asked to attend the next Board meeting to help explain some archival terms and processes. I also forgot how hard it is to explain archival arrangement and description to people who have no training in the field. It was a lesson on thinking in a different way in order to explain things.

So that was nice and very needed.

Today I woke up with some cramping and bleeding. I know how common this is in early pregnancy so I wasn't too worried. And in my attempts to take out the garbage, two of the four mutts got loose and I ended up trying to jog around the neighborhood. Luckily, Horace stopped to take a dump and that was enough time for me to catch up to him. And Patton is old enough to know how good he has it at home so he was easy to coax back to the yard. Since "poor" Horace was so tired from his jog around the neighborhood, I got out his swanky plastic pool and filled it up for him.

By this time I was crampy and my tea was getting cold. I had time to think and research my situation a little. I decided to play it safe and called my doctor. Quite calmly, I explained to the nurse what was happening. After consulting my doctor she told me to come in for another sonogram. Oi. My husbeast was waiting to board a plane to come back from a business trip so thankfully he was able to make it back for this.

I tried so hard not to freak out but that's almost impossible. Immediately after I got up on the table she looked at the sonogram and said there was cardiac activity. WHEW. It looked much bigger this time and my uterus looks huge. She looked around, took measurements and asked some questions. Turns out the wall in my uterus that was resected must have left some scar tissue because the mystery blog was still there. And the uterus is still heart shaped instead of uhhhh uterus shaped. While she pointed out the head, limbs and umbilical cord, the feet started moving. I can't feel any of this yet but seeing it was a trip! It's like he was saying "Don't worry! I'm not dead yet!" *insert Monty Python accent here*

The ultrasound lady told me to take it easy, no tampons, no douching and no sex. I asked her how long on the sex. She kind of harrumphed me and told me as long as it takes. Then she said, "tell him not to put anything in there!" Hubby is dying during this, by the way. So I tell her nothing has been going in there since he hasn't been home much. Her reply: "Well don't YOU put anything in there either!" I assured her that as of late, I haven't been putting anything in my vagina and would refrain from doing so. You'd think I was treating my vagina like a bag of holding, +5. After much back and forth about what is or isn't going "in there" I asked her if I can still go for walks. This brought up a heated debate on how much exertion I have while walking the dogs. Give me a break! I can't walk? She said, if it makes you bleed, don't do it.

Seriously how the hell did anyone have babies before this day and age? Is it my malformed uterus, my autoimmune disease or is this individual just being a little bit extreme in trying to keep me safe? I told her I sit at home all day and my mental and physical health demanded at least going for a walk when I felt good. "Ok, just no power walking." Gotcha.

It's been a long day and I'm dead tired.

I honestly have not been doing much the last few days except house work. I'm hoping things heals up and I can resume being a little more active. Trust me, this experience scared the hell out of me but I'm not going to lay on the couch for seven months. Bat shit crazy wouldn't even describe it.

By the way if anyone wants to make me a dice purse like this, I would be super happy. I still have my dice somewhere....


Tschus.

Frankie says relax

Finally got to chat with my doc about this alien parasite inside me and all looks good. I feel better now that there is a plan to monitor me. I am just about old enough to get the test for abnormalities and since it's just a finger prick, I'm going to do it. I've been through enough to know to take the extra precautions. And I'll be seeing a high risk doctor a few times to make sure the scar tissue in my uterus isn't affecting things. Also the autoimmune disease makes things a little more interesting but nothing major. Just a few more checkups are required to make sure all is well.

I'm very relieved to ask questions and hear that they are treating me as high risk. I'm going to get through this and move on with life. I'm tired of letting my body hold me prisoner in my house, keeping me from truly living my life.

Enough of that "girl power" statement.

I am now trying to get one of my brothers and my dad coordinated for a visit. I'm thinking we'll book the club tickets so we can get access to a buffet and beer (for them, not me) and air conditioning! Since summers here are either blistering hot and humid or pouring rain, I like the option of being able to sit inside comfortably and not miss the game. It's really a chance to hang with some of my family which I rarely get to do.

I'm not really a big baseball fan but the atmosphere is always fun and there is the Hall of Fame museum on site if I start feeling "museum-y." Lots to look forward to! Hooray!

Tschus!

Crazy life

The results are back on my sleep study. Absolutely normal: something I'm rarely called. My neurologist said it's classic insomnia. I suppose I was feeling extra tired because it turns out I'm pregnant. I am a little over 7 weeks now, so it's not too far along. We weren't going to tell anyone yet but once one person knows, everyone knows. :) Word got out and there we are. (I apologize to anyone who is finding out through social media. I tried to tell people after word got out but I know I haven't completely made the rounds through phone calls or personal emails.)

This was completely unplanned. We've been trying not to get pregnant due to many reasons, but mainly trying to get my health under control and to pay off some bills. Therefore I was not doing all the things a hyper-vigilant woman does when she tries to have a baby. I wasn't on any vitamins (I suspended my daily multivitamin when I came down with a horrible cold and my stomach was upset a lot.) I was taking pain medications and I had a few alcoholic beverages during that time. I'm sure a lot of women don't like to admit that. If something is wrong with the baby, then all the pointing fingers will be jammed in her face. The nurse tried to reassure me that the embryo probably wasn't attached yet during all this but who knows. I'm still on one medication that they want me off of, but I can't quit cold turkey. I'll find out more soon and I'm just going to hope for the best.

Of course, I could log back on here with a post saying I've lost it. It is very early, after all. But I'm going to think positive and pray that everything turns out well.

There was a weird black mass in the ultrasound but I'm hoping that's some old scar tissue or something. Again, hoping for the best!!

So far I feel tired, queasy and have a raging case of the trots. (I'm sure you all wanted to know that.) My back is also sore as hell but I'm thankful that Tylenol is on the list. Getting pregnant doesn't mean my existing health concerns automatically disappeared. However the arthritis isn't as bad and of course, there are no issues with endometriosis during this time. That leaves just the fibromyalgia.

Life is fuckin' crazy. I have no idea how I'll manage when I'm home alone all day with a fussy baby and my body is exhausted and in pain. Things have a way of working out and I'll have to start asking for help more. To be honest, I'm terrified. I've tried to read some of the magazines my doctor's office sent home with me. Reading them makes me feel nauseous and fills me with a bit of anxiety. I've just shuffled them under a pile for now. I want to take things one day at a time for a while. (As an aside, there sure is a lot of shit these magazines are pushing for people to buy. What a racket!)

In other news, Mr. Bex decided that Tobin was far too shaggy and needed a trim.

He no longer has the long, flowing locks ala Fabio but he is much cooler. We joke that Tobin got into a fight with a wood chipper. Lesson learned: leave dog grooming to the professionals.

So that's about it for now. I'm so tired out that I can hardly think straight. Tschus.