This morning I was having a nightmare...something about being in a house and not being able to go near windows or doors because a killer was taking out the inhabitants of the house. It was scary and gory. All the sudden I felt Ron grip my leg and it sounded like Rowdy was gasping. Ron whipped off the covers and headed to his bed while I turned on the light. Rowdy was having a seizure. I've never seen anyone or any animal have one before. I managed to get the strap of a backpack in his mouth to try to stop him from clamping down on his tongue. Then I ran and got the number for the emergency vet while Ron tried to comfort Rowdy. I just bawled and bawled. By the time we got him in the car and drove to the vet about 4AM, his seizure had stopped.
All while I held him in the car I kept thinking "this is it. Today we say goodbye to him." But the vet said we had the option to watch him and if he seizes again, to get him on some medication. They ran some bloodwork and talked to us about all the options we have. We chose to take him home and observe him until our regular vet opened up. Ron talked to our vet and he said the same things. Right now we are just going to watch him; see how he eats, if he is disorientated, in pain, can go to the bathroom, etc. I just wish he could slip away quietly in his sleep and take away the decision from us.
So here we sit, watching him pace around the house, then he gets tired and lays down. He's eating and wanting to be petted so that's good. I feel pretty horrible right now. Such is life.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Post-Christmas cleanse
I should be trying to eat better and clean out my system after pigging out so much over Christmas. We didn't do a damn thing but eat and play video games. I got my wish for a white Christmas and we were snowed in. So far the roads are pretty passable which is good when one must make it to work. I'd rather be snowed in at home though. The dogs liked their snow time and it was very beautiful outside. I'm ready for the weekend already though as I've been fighting a lovely sinus infection and finally succumbed to antibiotics. They are kicking my ass.
Here are some photos from our Christmas. Nothing terribly exciting but at least it was peaceful.
The drainage ditch behind the house. I cropped out the rotted mattress someone threw down there about a year and a half ago.
We didn't exactly primp for our photo shoot but dammit we still look cute.
Sadie enjoyed playing catch with the snowballs.
Ron has quite the smart ass sense of humor. Good thing Rowdy was protected on the other side of the glass.
Here is Rowdy taking a nap the other day. He's so old and losing weight. Not because of anything in particular but because he hates his bland diet. So tonight he had boiled rice and cooked ground beef. Lucky guy, eh?
This is typically what Patton looks like when I wake up on the weekends. We sleep in together. And nap together. He curls up in a little brindle ball and snoozes on the bed.
Final dog photo for the day. Last Monday was Sadie's 13th birthday. My baby is a teenager now.
So other then snow and pets, we've been playing a lot of video games. We are almost done with Mario on the Wii. The final Bowser section SUCKS. This game was a lot harder then any other Mario games I've played. I think it's mostly because trying to coordinate on a platform game with someone else playing is not easy. Both of us try to jump in the same spot at the same time. There is much cursing in this game.
We also made it through one run of Resident Evil: The Darkside Chronicles. I like how they brought elements from several other RE games. It was pretty fun and the shaky camera made head shots harder yet more enjoyable. I would like to run through it again at a harder setting.
Finally, we made it through Left 4 Dead 2 which was a lot more fun then the first one. The ai's were annoying as shit but the weapons were better and the levels were a little longer. I especially like the melee weapons which included a frying pan, guitar and chainsaw.
So I don't have a lot more to share. Well, someone asked me to photograph her in a tasteful, nude shoot. That was unexpected. I don't mind doing it though as nudity really doesn't bother me that much as long as I'm the one behind the camera. I definitely need more lessons with the camera though and I think my peeps in the local KC Flickr group are going to be a big help. Gotta love networking with others through the net. It's been a life saver for me with all my social phobias and tendencies to hole myself up in my house 24-7. Hey who knows. Maybe I'll get a side biz taking nudies of people. Wouldn't that be interesting? "Not now junior, mommy has to take photographs of people's junk." That would rock.
Be well dear friends.
Tschus.
Here are some photos from our Christmas. Nothing terribly exciting but at least it was peaceful.
The drainage ditch behind the house. I cropped out the rotted mattress someone threw down there about a year and a half ago.
We didn't exactly primp for our photo shoot but dammit we still look cute.
Sadie enjoyed playing catch with the snowballs.
Ron has quite the smart ass sense of humor. Good thing Rowdy was protected on the other side of the glass.
Here is Rowdy taking a nap the other day. He's so old and losing weight. Not because of anything in particular but because he hates his bland diet. So tonight he had boiled rice and cooked ground beef. Lucky guy, eh?
This is typically what Patton looks like when I wake up on the weekends. We sleep in together. And nap together. He curls up in a little brindle ball and snoozes on the bed.
Final dog photo for the day. Last Monday was Sadie's 13th birthday. My baby is a teenager now.
So other then snow and pets, we've been playing a lot of video games. We are almost done with Mario on the Wii. The final Bowser section SUCKS. This game was a lot harder then any other Mario games I've played. I think it's mostly because trying to coordinate on a platform game with someone else playing is not easy. Both of us try to jump in the same spot at the same time. There is much cursing in this game.
We also made it through one run of Resident Evil: The Darkside Chronicles. I like how they brought elements from several other RE games. It was pretty fun and the shaky camera made head shots harder yet more enjoyable. I would like to run through it again at a harder setting.
Finally, we made it through Left 4 Dead 2 which was a lot more fun then the first one. The ai's were annoying as shit but the weapons were better and the levels were a little longer. I especially like the melee weapons which included a frying pan, guitar and chainsaw.
So I don't have a lot more to share. Well, someone asked me to photograph her in a tasteful, nude shoot. That was unexpected. I don't mind doing it though as nudity really doesn't bother me that much as long as I'm the one behind the camera. I definitely need more lessons with the camera though and I think my peeps in the local KC Flickr group are going to be a big help. Gotta love networking with others through the net. It's been a life saver for me with all my social phobias and tendencies to hole myself up in my house 24-7. Hey who knows. Maybe I'll get a side biz taking nudies of people. Wouldn't that be interesting? "Not now junior, mommy has to take photographs of people's junk." That would rock.
Be well dear friends.
Tschus.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Have you ever?
Have you ever asked Why Me? Have you ever cursed God, forsaking His name because of all that you've had to suffer? Why these deaths? Why these illnesses? Why these hardships? I can understand You having a plan for one issue or the other. but everything in my lifetime? Why would You do this to me?
I fail to see the bigger plan for a kid losing her mother when she was 7. For this kid to grow up without much emotional support, feeling isolated, over-sensitive, morbid and sad. The teenage years being far too serious, looking for warmth and love in all the wrong places, further sequestering emotions from people in an attempt at self-preservation. Then in adulthood, this kid seeks unhealthy relationships, enters into a failed marriage, goes through illnesses and then major surgery. Nothing that a person voluntarily and actively seeks, but yet this is the path a person seems set upon. And then when she thinks the worst has passed, major/chronic illness sets in.
Why? If you claim to be a Christian, you may wonder why someone curses God. Why the fuck are you so set against me? Why me? Fuck you God....I've had enough. I've been through enough and I remained faithful. Yet you continue to put me through this hell. What is your plan for me? Is there a plan at all or am I putting my hopes in a false God?
Even if you are the most devote, ,you've been though this or will at some point. This is the story of Job. And maybe people like me are not part of some grand, fucking divine plan. Maybe we are simply the strongest who survive the whole plot, the whole story. Perhaps the strong and healthy people as the ones who will succumb quickly in the grand scheme of things. Maybe the sick ones are the people who live the longest because we put up with the most, endure more hardship and because of that, slowly become stronger in the end.
Unfortunately those of us who go through these diseases are the most isolated. We are lucky to find one person in our lives, be it family, spouse or friend, who will stay with us through all the trials and tribulations. I found today that my family, although loving and wonderful, cannot be there for me. They just don't understand and aren't capable of the empathy I need throughout this illness. It's not their faults, but that is just life. And it is hard for me to grasp.
When you are chronically sick, you quit communicating the truth to others. I've only told those at work because I've felt forced to. They have to pick up my slack, and they need to know why I'm sick. But my family and friends have not heard the whole of it, nor have they had to. I have tried, however, to reach out to certain acquaintances and family, but I don't feel that they understand. I feel no blame or anger about that. I can't say that I would feel any different if I were in their situations. When I try to talk to others about how I feel emotionally and/or physically, others don't understand or think I'm making it up. Therefore, deep down, I question whether or not I'm crazy. Maybe this isn't real? Maybe I'm an attention whore, just like they think?
I feel like I have to make things up or only tell half-truths about my life to people. "Yes! Everything is wonderful. We are so blessed to be living amazing, happy lives!!!!! Blah! Blah blah blah!"
At some point, we have to realize that we are sick. We have X, Y and Z to deal with and our priorities involve getting through our daily shit without physically collapsing or breaking down emotionally. Getting through a day/week/month of taking care of our kids, our bills, our marriages, our family, our friendships, our jobs is a lot to deal with. When you feel you have to make excuses for this or explain it to others, it's hard.
I'm not a drama queen. But I have major health issues that prevent me from working full time, from actively involving myself with relatives, that prevent me from trusting others and that keep me from having a party hardy lifestyle. Hell I feel lucky if I get through the day on the most minimum of prescription drugs AND am still able to operate a motor vehicle. I'm so damn tired of it and I keep thinking it's temporary and it will get better. This isn't really my life.
I guess it is my life. No matter how many drugs I take or what I eat or don't eat, it doesn't go away. This is my life. Period. And we better find a practical way for me to deal with it. And I better quit feeling bad at the friends I lose because I can't go hang out every time they want to. Or my boss doesn't get why I can't lift something over 20 lbs. Or why I don't volunteer myself to work extra hours.
This is my life now.
And because of who I am, I cannot end a post on my blog with a subject matter so serious. So I leave you with all my feelings, my whole heart, my spiritual frustration and a photograph of one of my pet rats in my husband's pants. Good night.
I fail to see the bigger plan for a kid losing her mother when she was 7. For this kid to grow up without much emotional support, feeling isolated, over-sensitive, morbid and sad. The teenage years being far too serious, looking for warmth and love in all the wrong places, further sequestering emotions from people in an attempt at self-preservation. Then in adulthood, this kid seeks unhealthy relationships, enters into a failed marriage, goes through illnesses and then major surgery. Nothing that a person voluntarily and actively seeks, but yet this is the path a person seems set upon. And then when she thinks the worst has passed, major/chronic illness sets in.
Why? If you claim to be a Christian, you may wonder why someone curses God. Why the fuck are you so set against me? Why me? Fuck you God....I've had enough. I've been through enough and I remained faithful. Yet you continue to put me through this hell. What is your plan for me? Is there a plan at all or am I putting my hopes in a false God?
Even if you are the most devote, ,you've been though this or will at some point. This is the story of Job. And maybe people like me are not part of some grand, fucking divine plan. Maybe we are simply the strongest who survive the whole plot, the whole story. Perhaps the strong and healthy people as the ones who will succumb quickly in the grand scheme of things. Maybe the sick ones are the people who live the longest because we put up with the most, endure more hardship and because of that, slowly become stronger in the end.
Unfortunately those of us who go through these diseases are the most isolated. We are lucky to find one person in our lives, be it family, spouse or friend, who will stay with us through all the trials and tribulations. I found today that my family, although loving and wonderful, cannot be there for me. They just don't understand and aren't capable of the empathy I need throughout this illness. It's not their faults, but that is just life. And it is hard for me to grasp.
When you are chronically sick, you quit communicating the truth to others. I've only told those at work because I've felt forced to. They have to pick up my slack, and they need to know why I'm sick. But my family and friends have not heard the whole of it, nor have they had to. I have tried, however, to reach out to certain acquaintances and family, but I don't feel that they understand. I feel no blame or anger about that. I can't say that I would feel any different if I were in their situations. When I try to talk to others about how I feel emotionally and/or physically, others don't understand or think I'm making it up. Therefore, deep down, I question whether or not I'm crazy. Maybe this isn't real? Maybe I'm an attention whore, just like they think?
I feel like I have to make things up or only tell half-truths about my life to people. "Yes! Everything is wonderful. We are so blessed to be living amazing, happy lives!!!!! Blah! Blah blah blah!"
At some point, we have to realize that we are sick. We have X, Y and Z to deal with and our priorities involve getting through our daily shit without physically collapsing or breaking down emotionally. Getting through a day/week/month of taking care of our kids, our bills, our marriages, our family, our friendships, our jobs is a lot to deal with. When you feel you have to make excuses for this or explain it to others, it's hard.
I'm not a drama queen. But I have major health issues that prevent me from working full time, from actively involving myself with relatives, that prevent me from trusting others and that keep me from having a party hardy lifestyle. Hell I feel lucky if I get through the day on the most minimum of prescription drugs AND am still able to operate a motor vehicle. I'm so damn tired of it and I keep thinking it's temporary and it will get better. This isn't really my life.
I guess it is my life. No matter how many drugs I take or what I eat or don't eat, it doesn't go away. This is my life. Period. And we better find a practical way for me to deal with it. And I better quit feeling bad at the friends I lose because I can't go hang out every time they want to. Or my boss doesn't get why I can't lift something over 20 lbs. Or why I don't volunteer myself to work extra hours.
This is my life now.
And because of who I am, I cannot end a post on my blog with a subject matter so serious. So I leave you with all my feelings, my whole heart, my spiritual frustration and a photograph of one of my pet rats in my husband's pants. Good night.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Lethargy/Self-pity
I'm not sure if it is depression or plain laziness. I haven't been blogging much lately. Of course, that could also be because of the lack of excitement in my life.
Well ok that's not entirely it. We've decided to stop trying for a baby for a while. My period isn't getting any better, in fact it in some ways is worse. The pain is still there, although managed by pain killers, but it's lasting longer and is heavier. We've tried for over a year and nothing. Well we haven't tried THAT hard...it hurts to try so much. On a recent trip to the GYN, I was told some of the pain I experience seems to be related to autoimmune disorders. Seriously? So sex is painful and it's just another by-product of other diseases? Just kill me now. She did say she didn't know what the connection is, only that a lot of women who have similar pain also seem to have immunity issues.
I have also been on steroids for a long time and can't keep going on that. I need to go on some real RA drugs and those aren't good for babies unless you want a super pharmaceutical mutant baby.
I don't feel like a real woman. I feel really dumb just TYPING that statement but it's true.
I'm sure once my hormones even out that I will feel better about it. Having a birthday coming up isn't helping as the TICK TICK TICK sound just gets fucking louder. Plus I'm having all these dreams lately about our children-seeing them, losing them, not being able to have them....they are so real.
It's not meant to be right now. In the meantime we'll keep working towards our goal of getting a house and getting me healthier. I have been in denial and I can't live that way anymore. It isn't going to get better with nutrition, willpower, bare minimum medication, etc. This is my life now. Whether I want it or not, reality is setting in. I just don't want to be super medicated but hey, what's one or two more drugs in my system?
All right, enough whining and bitching. Life is hard, shit happens, etc. etc. etc. I'll get over it and venting is helpful. Thanks for listening to my discombobulated bitch-fest.
Here are some crafty things I've been working on lately. I've only completed one and a half so far because I've been too damn depressed to do anymore than that. *sigh* I'll get them finished soon!
Well ok that's not entirely it. We've decided to stop trying for a baby for a while. My period isn't getting any better, in fact it in some ways is worse. The pain is still there, although managed by pain killers, but it's lasting longer and is heavier. We've tried for over a year and nothing. Well we haven't tried THAT hard...it hurts to try so much. On a recent trip to the GYN, I was told some of the pain I experience seems to be related to autoimmune disorders. Seriously? So sex is painful and it's just another by-product of other diseases? Just kill me now. She did say she didn't know what the connection is, only that a lot of women who have similar pain also seem to have immunity issues.
I have also been on steroids for a long time and can't keep going on that. I need to go on some real RA drugs and those aren't good for babies unless you want a super pharmaceutical mutant baby.
I don't feel like a real woman. I feel really dumb just TYPING that statement but it's true.
I'm sure once my hormones even out that I will feel better about it. Having a birthday coming up isn't helping as the TICK TICK TICK sound just gets fucking louder. Plus I'm having all these dreams lately about our children-seeing them, losing them, not being able to have them....they are so real.
It's not meant to be right now. In the meantime we'll keep working towards our goal of getting a house and getting me healthier. I have been in denial and I can't live that way anymore. It isn't going to get better with nutrition, willpower, bare minimum medication, etc. This is my life now. Whether I want it or not, reality is setting in. I just don't want to be super medicated but hey, what's one or two more drugs in my system?
All right, enough whining and bitching. Life is hard, shit happens, etc. etc. etc. I'll get over it and venting is helpful. Thanks for listening to my discombobulated bitch-fest.
Here are some crafty things I've been working on lately. I've only completed one and a half so far because I've been too damn depressed to do anymore than that. *sigh* I'll get them finished soon!
Monday, November 23, 2009
Da ‘hood
Since the day we moved here to this neighborhood two years ago, it's been crazy. I've witnessed and gone to court for a domestic assault case, watched a kid selling drugs in the middle of the afternoon and watched little kids wandering around at all hours. Pizza Hut quit delivering to our house after dark because they've been robbed too often. Last Thursday/Friday morning we woke up at 3AM to hear gun shots outside our house. It was terrifying and as far as I know, no one has been caught. I guess no one was murdered so that is good. I was worried about stray bullets hitting us but thankfully we weren't in the trajectory.
Talk about motivation to get the hell out of this area. I'll definitely check out the crime maps before we move though. I just want to live somewhere in peace. I have to admit I'm nervous in my own home. Thank god I have loud dogs...they are a good deterrent, I hope.
So here is what our 'hood looks like. Seems pretty peaceful, doesn't it?
Talk about motivation to get the hell out of this area. I'll definitely check out the crime maps before we move though. I just want to live somewhere in peace. I have to admit I'm nervous in my own home. Thank god I have loud dogs...they are a good deterrent, I hope.
So here is what our 'hood looks like. Seems pretty peaceful, doesn't it?
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Memories of Fort Berthold
Last night I attended a special opening for the American Indian Art gallery at the Nelson-Atkins. I listened to some really wonderful speakers discuss the past indignities and abuses suffered by the AI people and how we are all working now to address the past and better our future. The Mayor and the Governor were there, as well as two very influential American Indian people who both have contacts with Washington, D.C. The Nelson worked very hard to make the exhibit a venue for American Indian voices rather than an exhibit about Indians. I was very moved to hear the speakers and even more moved to listen to the AI ceremonies that occurred right after. I say "listen" because I couldn't see a damn thing through the crowd. However I did hear the drums and the signers and listened to the prayer.
I haven't been to a pow wow since I lived in Nebraska. The music was something I heard a lot growing up as one of my aunts had a lot of friends on the reservation. Growing up in North Dakota, the American Indians were the only minority and I heard a lot of racist jokes and derogatory things about the AI's. Those jokes and statements always made me uncomfortable but an incident I experienced on a reservation really changed me forever.
My aunts took me up to Fort Berthold (home of the Hidatsa, Mandan and Arikara tribes) one winter not too long after my mom died. We were taking up a bunch of furniture to the reservation because my dad no longer thought we needed it. He was "purging" the house of mom and anything that reminded him of her. My aunts for whatever reason decided it would be good for me to see people who didn't have as much as I did. Apparently I needed a "life lesson" because I was spoiled in their eyes. Maybe I was a little spoiled...
I remember sitting in the back of that cold van, listening to tribal drum songs on tape that my aunt loved. I was scared; I hated being away from home, among people I didn't know. I'm still like that.
When we got there, I was taken into the reservation's community center where they were getting ready for a big pow wow. I was very aware of the fact I was the only white kid there. I've always been shy and had a hard time making friends but I was hopeful some kids would talk to me. Not a chance. The kids took an instant dislike to me, snickering at me and even turning the lights out on me in the bathroom while I was relieving myself. I was terrified and struggled to find my way out of a strange public restroom. But I didn't tell my aunts what happened.
My other memories were of watching people cook. There were some very nice ladies there who explained to me what they were doing. That's when I first saw the ingredients for tripe soup. I made sure not to eat the tripe soup when supper time came. But mostly I just kept to myself, observing people. We slept in that cold van at night and I remember thinking what a lonely place it was there.
The last night we were there was the night of the big pow wow. The dancers were in full regalia and I had never seen costumes like that. Feathers and bells....appliqued felt....beads....staffs and headdresses. It was very alien to me and my Protestant German upbringing. The drums and the singing were so loud and hypnotic. I watched from behind the circle of onlookers as they danced around and around. I had no idea, and still don't know, what it all meant.
At the end there was some kind of ceremony....I'm not sure what it was called. Some people entered the circle, mostly what I thought were older, distinguished members of the tribe, and went around the inside of the circle, shaking hands with everyone who comprised the outer circle. I thought that was very neat and it was something I understood. Shaking hands! Us white people do that too! To my horror however, a white woman pushed me into the circle and told me to walk around and shake hands as well. I tried to leave the circle but she blocked my way. I hated being in the center of attention amongst people I knew, so this was like a nightmare. But there were enough encouraging smiles to get me started. I remember the older people clasping my hand and how weathered and soft their hands were. They had kind smiles too. Emboldened by their kindness, I moved around the circle, sticking out my hand to everyone. And halfway through I came to the kids. My smile frozen to my face, I stuck out my hand. And each kid looked me straight in the eye and refused to take my hand. I felt hurt and humiliated. I quickly finished moving through the circle and retreated back into the corner.
That's when I understood what racism felt like. I hadn't done anything to these children except I was white and I was an outsider.
Later that night there was a drawing for a star quilt and my aunt won it. It was a beautiful dark rose quilt, very similar in pattern to this one:
I left Fort Berthold with mixed emotions. I was happy to go back home but bothered by what had happened between myself and those other children. As an adult, I took a lot of time and interest during my academic career to study Native American art, anthropology and history. I wanted to know what happened to the American Indians to make those kids hate me so much. There wasn't a lack of information on the history between the missionaries, the military, the government, the settlers and the American Indians. It's pretty tragic. I can't change what happened but I can be an advocate for what I feel is right: honoring their traditions, understanding both our histories and not using them as racist mascots. I don't see a lot of difference between the mascot for the Cleveland Indians and a black Sambo.
The other thing I took from that experience is to know what racism feels like. And to make a conscious effort never to treat others that way. For a little kid, that was a pretty important lesson.
Years later, as an adult, I finally told my aunt what happened there. She wondered why I hadn't told her what was going on that weekend. I told her I felt somehow I deserved it because I was an outsider. And I told her the lesson I learned from it all.
She then gave me that rose star quilt and told me I had earned it. I type this nestled under that very quilt and feel quite honored to have it. The story of where it came from will always be passed down with it.
I didn't get to see the new galleries last night as my friend and I had to leave early. But I plan to go back next weekend for the public opening. I'm looking forward to seeing the dancers and singers they have lined up next weekend. And to honor those artists, historic and contemporary, from home.
This is an Arikara shield, on display at the Nelson-Atkins:
I haven't been to a pow wow since I lived in Nebraska. The music was something I heard a lot growing up as one of my aunts had a lot of friends on the reservation. Growing up in North Dakota, the American Indians were the only minority and I heard a lot of racist jokes and derogatory things about the AI's. Those jokes and statements always made me uncomfortable but an incident I experienced on a reservation really changed me forever.
My aunts took me up to Fort Berthold (home of the Hidatsa, Mandan and Arikara tribes) one winter not too long after my mom died. We were taking up a bunch of furniture to the reservation because my dad no longer thought we needed it. He was "purging" the house of mom and anything that reminded him of her. My aunts for whatever reason decided it would be good for me to see people who didn't have as much as I did. Apparently I needed a "life lesson" because I was spoiled in their eyes. Maybe I was a little spoiled...
I remember sitting in the back of that cold van, listening to tribal drum songs on tape that my aunt loved. I was scared; I hated being away from home, among people I didn't know. I'm still like that.
When we got there, I was taken into the reservation's community center where they were getting ready for a big pow wow. I was very aware of the fact I was the only white kid there. I've always been shy and had a hard time making friends but I was hopeful some kids would talk to me. Not a chance. The kids took an instant dislike to me, snickering at me and even turning the lights out on me in the bathroom while I was relieving myself. I was terrified and struggled to find my way out of a strange public restroom. But I didn't tell my aunts what happened.
My other memories were of watching people cook. There were some very nice ladies there who explained to me what they were doing. That's when I first saw the ingredients for tripe soup. I made sure not to eat the tripe soup when supper time came. But mostly I just kept to myself, observing people. We slept in that cold van at night and I remember thinking what a lonely place it was there.
The last night we were there was the night of the big pow wow. The dancers were in full regalia and I had never seen costumes like that. Feathers and bells....appliqued felt....beads....staffs and headdresses. It was very alien to me and my Protestant German upbringing. The drums and the singing were so loud and hypnotic. I watched from behind the circle of onlookers as they danced around and around. I had no idea, and still don't know, what it all meant.
At the end there was some kind of ceremony....I'm not sure what it was called. Some people entered the circle, mostly what I thought were older, distinguished members of the tribe, and went around the inside of the circle, shaking hands with everyone who comprised the outer circle. I thought that was very neat and it was something I understood. Shaking hands! Us white people do that too! To my horror however, a white woman pushed me into the circle and told me to walk around and shake hands as well. I tried to leave the circle but she blocked my way. I hated being in the center of attention amongst people I knew, so this was like a nightmare. But there were enough encouraging smiles to get me started. I remember the older people clasping my hand and how weathered and soft their hands were. They had kind smiles too. Emboldened by their kindness, I moved around the circle, sticking out my hand to everyone. And halfway through I came to the kids. My smile frozen to my face, I stuck out my hand. And each kid looked me straight in the eye and refused to take my hand. I felt hurt and humiliated. I quickly finished moving through the circle and retreated back into the corner.
That's when I understood what racism felt like. I hadn't done anything to these children except I was white and I was an outsider.
Later that night there was a drawing for a star quilt and my aunt won it. It was a beautiful dark rose quilt, very similar in pattern to this one:
I left Fort Berthold with mixed emotions. I was happy to go back home but bothered by what had happened between myself and those other children. As an adult, I took a lot of time and interest during my academic career to study Native American art, anthropology and history. I wanted to know what happened to the American Indians to make those kids hate me so much. There wasn't a lack of information on the history between the missionaries, the military, the government, the settlers and the American Indians. It's pretty tragic. I can't change what happened but I can be an advocate for what I feel is right: honoring their traditions, understanding both our histories and not using them as racist mascots. I don't see a lot of difference between the mascot for the Cleveland Indians and a black Sambo.
The other thing I took from that experience is to know what racism feels like. And to make a conscious effort never to treat others that way. For a little kid, that was a pretty important lesson.
Years later, as an adult, I finally told my aunt what happened there. She wondered why I hadn't told her what was going on that weekend. I told her I felt somehow I deserved it because I was an outsider. And I told her the lesson I learned from it all.
She then gave me that rose star quilt and told me I had earned it. I type this nestled under that very quilt and feel quite honored to have it. The story of where it came from will always be passed down with it.
I didn't get to see the new galleries last night as my friend and I had to leave early. But I plan to go back next weekend for the public opening. I'm looking forward to seeing the dancers and singers they have lined up next weekend. And to honor those artists, historic and contemporary, from home.
This is an Arikara shield, on display at the Nelson-Atkins:
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Halloween photos!
We had a nice Halloween! Ron and I decided to go as Fred and Daphne from Scooby Doo. There were pre-packaged costumes so no work on our part. We headed off to the party in Independence, not knowing hardly anyone. All the people were super friendly and awesome. What a great group! They were also really creative and fun with their costumes. Due to the cats though we could only stay a couple hours but it was worth the trip.
Here are some photos from the night. I will probably get names wrong, sorry in advance!
My Daphne costume
Ron as Fred
Detail of the Glory Hole costume
Liz, I can't remember her husband's name and Ronnie's "penis" in the background
This is the normal look I give my husband, even out of costume. Notice the "Scooby" at our feet. Dogs can smell a dog lover in the room!
My beautiful friend Summer who rocks in so many ways
Summer and I....I feel like the Amazon woman with no neck in this photo!
Hope everyone else had a good Halloween!
Here are some photos from the night. I will probably get names wrong, sorry in advance!
My Daphne costume
Ron as Fred
Detail of the Glory Hole costume
Liz, I can't remember her husband's name and Ronnie's "penis" in the background
This is the normal look I give my husband, even out of costume. Notice the "Scooby" at our feet. Dogs can smell a dog lover in the room!
My beautiful friend Summer who rocks in so many ways
Summer and I....I feel like the Amazon woman with no neck in this photo!
Hope everyone else had a good Halloween!
Rheumatoid arthritis
Lately I've been feeling a lot better mentally and physically. Some days I think I can go back to a 40 hour work week. And then I hit a set back. I paid really close attention to my symptoms this week though and tried to analyze things as they came up. I'm too lazy and inconsistent to do a symptom diary though. Yes, I lick ass. Such is life.
I thought perhaps if I avoided stress completely, kept up on sleep and all my medications, I would be able to control my health. How egomaniac is that? You can't control everything. You can be doing everything right, everything within your control, and still feel like shit. It really hit me on Friday. I had organized a potluck for Halloween at work, assisted a researcher all morning and then watched the desk most of the afternoon. I did some running around and helped people out. By 1:00 I could feel a weight in my chest and the skin on my face was red and felt like it was on fire. By the end of the afternoon I was really run down. When I got home, I felt like there was a fire lit in my torso, my knees were stiff and sore and I was limping. I was shaking a lot too.
I really did have a good week overall. I was able to participate in some professional development and networking at a symposium. I got some things done at work. I cut out some toxic people from my life too which felt extremely liberating.
My point: I did everything seemingly right but I had a flare up nonetheless. I was just tired out. I did too much and my body rebelled. What's really hard is that I know to people who don't know me well, I look pretty healthy. I'm young and not toooooo overweight. I think it's hard for people to understand that you can look great on the outside but feel shitty on the inside. However, when I think about it....I must not look too healthy all the time. I've had strangers offer to help me carry my groceries and insist on having me do the drive through pick-up. Some days I lean heavily on the shopping cart and limp along. Or days when my elbows and arms ache so bad, I hold them close to my body and have a hard time picking up the littlest thing. So I guess when I think about it, there are people who intuitively pay attention to body language more than others. Those are the kinds of people who pick up on this stuff.
So lesson learned. I can't always control when a flare up occurs. Gotcha. I'll keep that in mind.
I thought perhaps if I avoided stress completely, kept up on sleep and all my medications, I would be able to control my health. How egomaniac is that? You can't control everything. You can be doing everything right, everything within your control, and still feel like shit. It really hit me on Friday. I had organized a potluck for Halloween at work, assisted a researcher all morning and then watched the desk most of the afternoon. I did some running around and helped people out. By 1:00 I could feel a weight in my chest and the skin on my face was red and felt like it was on fire. By the end of the afternoon I was really run down. When I got home, I felt like there was a fire lit in my torso, my knees were stiff and sore and I was limping. I was shaking a lot too.
I really did have a good week overall. I was able to participate in some professional development and networking at a symposium. I got some things done at work. I cut out some toxic people from my life too which felt extremely liberating.
My point: I did everything seemingly right but I had a flare up nonetheless. I was just tired out. I did too much and my body rebelled. What's really hard is that I know to people who don't know me well, I look pretty healthy. I'm young and not toooooo overweight. I think it's hard for people to understand that you can look great on the outside but feel shitty on the inside. However, when I think about it....I must not look too healthy all the time. I've had strangers offer to help me carry my groceries and insist on having me do the drive through pick-up. Some days I lean heavily on the shopping cart and limp along. Or days when my elbows and arms ache so bad, I hold them close to my body and have a hard time picking up the littlest thing. So I guess when I think about it, there are people who intuitively pay attention to body language more than others. Those are the kinds of people who pick up on this stuff.
So lesson learned. I can't always control when a flare up occurs. Gotcha. I'll keep that in mind.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Catching up
Here is a quick recap: We've kept somewhat busy on the weekends which can be both good and bad. We finally used our free tickets to the KC Renaissance Festival and had a nice time eating a turkey leg and drinking Irish ale. Also in the last couple of weeks we saw Zombieland and Paranormal Activity. Both very awesome. If you are looking for a laugh, I highly recommend Zombieland. Speaking of zombies, Maul of the Dead is at the Coterie and Roxanne and I saw that last weekend. It was pretty fun! Great theatre group, everyone should go! What else...oh! A good friend from high school dropped in and it was awesome catching up with him. I really miss familiar faces from home!
We are also still going through the home buyer's program. Our counselor thinks we'll be in the purchasing phase soon. I really hope that's true! We'll see though. We may hit a waiting period but that's ok. I'm totally cool with moving in the spring rather then the winter. Either way, we are hiring movers this time! I can't physically help Ron lift half this stuff so we'll need a little help. I'm so freakin' excited and scared. Basically I'm scared of the realities of fixing everything yourself....and having to pay for it. I think I can handle it though.
I recently had a really negative experience with some people I used to call friends. However I did get something positive from the situation: I've let my diseases and illnesses shut me off from people. I'm really going to try to talk to people more often and get together with locals at least once a month or so. It can be really tough sometimes...when I'm tired out, I just need to rest. Sleep. Recharge. A lot of things like housework and socializing get neglected when you don't feel well. Unfortunately these people, who I thought knew what was going on, took my absences personally. As if I didn't like them and was using my health as a reason not to see them. I think that's pretty silly and thought if a person felt upset, they would talk to me about it. But whatever makes a person feel good about themselves... It feels really, really wonderful to cut out negative people from my life. No more stress on that front...what a relief! Now if I can only get work to go a little better, I think things would be perfect!
Here are images of the last three projects I worked on. I have some ideas of things I need and want to do soon. Some of them involve Christmas presents. I better get started on those! November will probably go very quickly.
Come Get Some tote bag feature the almighty Bruce Campbell!
The first of the 1898 Antikamnia Calendar series.
This was a piece done to recognize domestic abuse. Yes, it's a personal story. No, not going to blog about it. However you can check out Craftster if you want to know more about the piece. Enough said on that.
Rowdy is shrieking at me to go outside so I'm cutting off the blog for now. Expect some goofy Halloween pictures next week!
We are also still going through the home buyer's program. Our counselor thinks we'll be in the purchasing phase soon. I really hope that's true! We'll see though. We may hit a waiting period but that's ok. I'm totally cool with moving in the spring rather then the winter. Either way, we are hiring movers this time! I can't physically help Ron lift half this stuff so we'll need a little help. I'm so freakin' excited and scared. Basically I'm scared of the realities of fixing everything yourself....and having to pay for it. I think I can handle it though.
I recently had a really negative experience with some people I used to call friends. However I did get something positive from the situation: I've let my diseases and illnesses shut me off from people. I'm really going to try to talk to people more often and get together with locals at least once a month or so. It can be really tough sometimes...when I'm tired out, I just need to rest. Sleep. Recharge. A lot of things like housework and socializing get neglected when you don't feel well. Unfortunately these people, who I thought knew what was going on, took my absences personally. As if I didn't like them and was using my health as a reason not to see them. I think that's pretty silly and thought if a person felt upset, they would talk to me about it. But whatever makes a person feel good about themselves... It feels really, really wonderful to cut out negative people from my life. No more stress on that front...what a relief! Now if I can only get work to go a little better, I think things would be perfect!
Here are images of the last three projects I worked on. I have some ideas of things I need and want to do soon. Some of them involve Christmas presents. I better get started on those! November will probably go very quickly.
Come Get Some tote bag feature the almighty Bruce Campbell!
The first of the 1898 Antikamnia Calendar series.
This was a piece done to recognize domestic abuse. Yes, it's a personal story. No, not going to blog about it. However you can check out Craftster if you want to know more about the piece. Enough said on that.
Rowdy is shrieking at me to go outside so I'm cutting off the blog for now. Expect some goofy Halloween pictures next week!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Mas besser
Things are better. Why you ask? Well I got a new endocrinologist who agreed to ramp up my Synthroid a bit. Yes, my levels appeared normal but I didn't feel right. Most docs at this point would argue it's all in my head, it's the RA, it's the fibro, I'm crazy, etc. This one actually agreed to let me try a higher dose. And guess what? I feel better! More energy, less depressed. What a concept-listening to the patient. Gnarly.
We also had our first one-on-one meeting with a NACA representative. Although she is an ardent animal hater, we were happy with our session. If all goes well, Ron and I will be in our first home together in around 6 months. No money down, no closing costs, fixed rate, low mortgage. No shit. I was so happy to hear that, I had to do another self-evaluation of my priorities. Is it more important for me to find my dream job right now? Or is getting a home and being settled more important? Unfortunately I'm putting my career second, or third. I want to be happy with my job everyday but uprooting again and moving to a different state is going to be so hard. I'm just starting to feel better and don't want to start over with doctors. Therefore I decided to withdraw my applications for jobs out of state. I'm really excited to be in my very first home!!
We've also got a lot to do this weekend. It's cold though so that might limit how much we do. Today is another Zombie Walk which starts at 3:00 on the Plaza. The high is only 49 degrees today so I'm unsure if I really want to run around outside. Speaking of zombies, we also really want to see Zombieland this weekend. Perhaps we'll do that instead. And tomorrow night we have tickets to see Lewis Black, one of Ron's favorite comedians. We're pretty geeked about that!
Finally, here is my cross-stitch that I referred to in a previous post. The recipient received it so I was able to make the photo public finally. I kind of miss this piece. It looked good sitting in our living room.
I did a piece yesterday for a Craftster challenge and I'll have that posted by Monday. I'm also working on a piece I patterned after an obscure 1898 calendar. Hopefully that will be done soon. I've got to stitch something together to trade with a woman at work who makes and fixes jewelry. I've got some things for her to fix!
That is about all I can think of for now. This is a busy month so I'm sure there will be more blog posts to come. Tschus!
We also had our first one-on-one meeting with a NACA representative. Although she is an ardent animal hater, we were happy with our session. If all goes well, Ron and I will be in our first home together in around 6 months. No money down, no closing costs, fixed rate, low mortgage. No shit. I was so happy to hear that, I had to do another self-evaluation of my priorities. Is it more important for me to find my dream job right now? Or is getting a home and being settled more important? Unfortunately I'm putting my career second, or third. I want to be happy with my job everyday but uprooting again and moving to a different state is going to be so hard. I'm just starting to feel better and don't want to start over with doctors. Therefore I decided to withdraw my applications for jobs out of state. I'm really excited to be in my very first home!!
We've also got a lot to do this weekend. It's cold though so that might limit how much we do. Today is another Zombie Walk which starts at 3:00 on the Plaza. The high is only 49 degrees today so I'm unsure if I really want to run around outside. Speaking of zombies, we also really want to see Zombieland this weekend. Perhaps we'll do that instead. And tomorrow night we have tickets to see Lewis Black, one of Ron's favorite comedians. We're pretty geeked about that!
Finally, here is my cross-stitch that I referred to in a previous post. The recipient received it so I was able to make the photo public finally. I kind of miss this piece. It looked good sitting in our living room.
I did a piece yesterday for a Craftster challenge and I'll have that posted by Monday. I'm also working on a piece I patterned after an obscure 1898 calendar. Hopefully that will be done soon. I've got to stitch something together to trade with a woman at work who makes and fixes jewelry. I've got some things for her to fix!
That is about all I can think of for now. This is a busy month so I'm sure there will be more blog posts to come. Tschus!
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Things to do to pass (waste) time
We hit the jackpot this weekend at Game Co. It's like Game Stop only more vintage, and they pay a lot more for your games. We got a nice credit with them and picked up several used games. I was pretty geeked to find two Evil Dead games on XBox:
I haven't played A Fistful of Boomstick yet but I did play Regeneration for over an hour today. It is HILARIOUS. Ted Raimi does the voice of your midget Deadite sidekick and Bruce does Ash's voice, of course. There are a lot of catchy one-liners and general hilarity. The best part? You can lock on your enemies and punt the Deadite to attack them. I love it! Since having an XBox is relatively new to me, I didn't pay much attention to these games before. I now have all the ED games but not all the games with Bruce's voice. Which is ok, as I'm not sure how much of a geek I want to allow myself to be. Here is a link to the games: http://www.bruce-campbell.com/group.asp?grp=49
Crap, I just noticed this as well: http://www.bruce-campbell.com/pilot.asp?pg=action_figure It's a BC action figure. Crap....$60? I may be a geek, but I'm a cheap geek. Damn.
The other thing I did this weekend was finish up a book called Shadow of the Wind. It is one of the best novels I have read since The Historian. The author, Carlos Ruiz Zafón, writes very descriptively. The setting is 1940's and 1950's Barcelona, set in the aftermath of Spain's civil war. It's a mystery and very well woven. I'm sure I could have figured out some of the twists and turns if I had let myself think about it, but I really enjoy just letting a story take me along. I can't write a good review on it but you can find some great reviews on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Shadow-Wind-Carlos-Ruiz-Zafon/dp/1594200106 Apparently The Angel's Game is a prequel that just came out in English only a year ago. I'll have to grab that up soon.
Long story short, read it. I was dubious at first but I went from summer beach reading to this book. You have to get your brain in the right mode to really let the story suck you in. If you read it, let me know what you think! I should really join a book club but am too damn lazy.
I also finished another cross stitch but will have to wait to unveil it until after I send it. I made it for a swap for a photo group I participate in on Flickr called Phat Quarter. After the recipient receives the piece, I'll post photos of it. It's actually very lovely if I do say so myself! I also finished an embroidery not long ago that is for a breast cancer awareness challenge on Craftster. It's another photograph-to-embroidery piece:
This photo has over 12,000 hit on Flickr, but that's probably only because my boobs are partially showing. I hate that pervs are looking at it but the photo has done some good. I've had some people contact me to ask about the reconstructive part of mastectomies. I personally feel better having talked to someone who has gone through this shit before me, no matter what it is. So I keep the damn picture up for others to find, in case anyone else has questions. The contest on Craftster starts in a couple weeks and I'm eager to sumbit this.
Rowdy is shrieking/whining for his supper so I better go. Dogs do not like to wait for their supper! Tschus!
I haven't played A Fistful of Boomstick yet but I did play Regeneration for over an hour today. It is HILARIOUS. Ted Raimi does the voice of your midget Deadite sidekick and Bruce does Ash's voice, of course. There are a lot of catchy one-liners and general hilarity. The best part? You can lock on your enemies and punt the Deadite to attack them. I love it! Since having an XBox is relatively new to me, I didn't pay much attention to these games before. I now have all the ED games but not all the games with Bruce's voice. Which is ok, as I'm not sure how much of a geek I want to allow myself to be. Here is a link to the games: http://www.bruce-campbell.com/group.asp?grp=49
Crap, I just noticed this as well: http://www.bruce-campbell.com/pilot.asp?pg=action_figure It's a BC action figure. Crap....$60? I may be a geek, but I'm a cheap geek. Damn.
The other thing I did this weekend was finish up a book called Shadow of the Wind. It is one of the best novels I have read since The Historian. The author, Carlos Ruiz Zafón, writes very descriptively. The setting is 1940's and 1950's Barcelona, set in the aftermath of Spain's civil war. It's a mystery and very well woven. I'm sure I could have figured out some of the twists and turns if I had let myself think about it, but I really enjoy just letting a story take me along. I can't write a good review on it but you can find some great reviews on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Shadow-Wind-Carlos-Ruiz-Zafon/dp/1594200106 Apparently The Angel's Game is a prequel that just came out in English only a year ago. I'll have to grab that up soon.
Long story short, read it. I was dubious at first but I went from summer beach reading to this book. You have to get your brain in the right mode to really let the story suck you in. If you read it, let me know what you think! I should really join a book club but am too damn lazy.
I also finished another cross stitch but will have to wait to unveil it until after I send it. I made it for a swap for a photo group I participate in on Flickr called Phat Quarter. After the recipient receives the piece, I'll post photos of it. It's actually very lovely if I do say so myself! I also finished an embroidery not long ago that is for a breast cancer awareness challenge on Craftster. It's another photograph-to-embroidery piece:
This photo has over 12,000 hit on Flickr, but that's probably only because my boobs are partially showing. I hate that pervs are looking at it but the photo has done some good. I've had some people contact me to ask about the reconstructive part of mastectomies. I personally feel better having talked to someone who has gone through this shit before me, no matter what it is. So I keep the damn picture up for others to find, in case anyone else has questions. The contest on Craftster starts in a couple weeks and I'm eager to sumbit this.
Rowdy is shrieking/whining for his supper so I better go. Dogs do not like to wait for their supper! Tschus!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Good news?
Career stress is upon us. It's hard to move up in this career field when there aren't job openings in the area. To move or not to move? I like KC a lot! However I'm not sure I can physically handle the stress here anymore.
I've put out some lines and had a couple bites. So it may be in our future to move out of state. I'm pretty nervous about this but I can't get a head of myself. It's quite possible I won't get anything.
This is tough because I can't blog in detail without risking my current situation but I do feel the need to just vent. So I guess I have to write this slightly cryptic, crappy blog post to hit somewhere in the middle.
Ah hell, we'll see what goes down in the next couple of weeks. I'll try not to be such the control freak/worry wort that I am!
I've put out some lines and had a couple bites. So it may be in our future to move out of state. I'm pretty nervous about this but I can't get a head of myself. It's quite possible I won't get anything.
This is tough because I can't blog in detail without risking my current situation but I do feel the need to just vent. So I guess I have to write this slightly cryptic, crappy blog post to hit somewhere in the middle.
Ah hell, we'll see what goes down in the next couple of weeks. I'll try not to be such the control freak/worry wort that I am!
Friday, September 11, 2009
Oy vey, long time, no post!
I have meant to blog, I really have. I think I've been overwhelmed and lazy. I also have hesitated in posting because I am aware an old internet stalker-type is back on my track. I didn't want to post because I'm sure he's reading my stuff again (why, I don't know) but fuck it. I can't stop being me just because of someone else's actions.
Since my last post I've kep myself busy with various stitching projects. I've had to order some supplies to finish framing but otherwise they are done:
I started another photograph-to-embroider piece and am busy with that. I'm hoping to get it done before Breast Cancer Awareness Month starts up in October. I've also got to clean up another pattern for a stitching swap I'm participating in. I'm hoping it will turn out well!! If anyone wants, I can start posting patterns.
The hell that is Cymbalta is almost over. I haven't had any in a couple of weeks and the only thing I notice now is that I'm a bit down in the dumps. I think it was boosting serotonin as a means of blocking pain. I don't want to go on more drugs to get my natural serotonin to start producing itself again. So I'm not sure what I should do about it right now. For anyone reading this, just know there is hope to get off this shit, or anything else you are taking and want to be off of. So the fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis are still a big part of my life. I'm trying to figure out how to be active and get exercise without exacerbating the illnesses. And the endometriosis still sucks. Some days of the month I can hardly walk because it hurts so much. I got more pain medication today and it was hard to sit in an office full of little babies and pregnant women. It seems so easy for people to get knocked up. I wonder why I can't? The doctor ordered a lab test so they are going to see what a bunch of hormone levels are up to right now. I'm curious.
Also since my last post, Ron and I attended a home buyer's workshop. They are a non-profit group and claim they can help anyone get into a home. We are a tough case! Both of us carry student loan debt and credit card debt. My health crap eats away at a lot of our funds. Not to mention a recent $1000 car repair bill. We just can't seem to get ahead! But we aren't giving up and we have our first meeting next week with this group. I found their presentation to be very interesting and it fired up the activist in me. Damn the big lending companies! Check out www.naca.com for more information. They have locations all over the country. If you go through their program, the big banks fulfill a federal law that says they need to loan so much a year to programs like this and you get a locked in low interest rate, no closing costs and no downpayment. Not bad eh? The catch is you have to go through a strict budget through their program to prove you can make your mortgage payments.
We've got lots going on this month which is good. Good to be busy I guess. We are going to help out an historic cemetery later in the month. They need people to help weed and maintain headstones. I'm also going to talk to someone about helping with their history book project. And we have free tickets to the Twins/Royals game that night, which I'm really looking forward to. I got to tour the Kaufman stadium but didn't stay for a game. We did see a minor league game not long ago, the T-Bones vs Joliet. Again, free tickets! I'm afraid that's all anyone can afford these days. If it isn't free, we try not to do it anymore.
Here are some photos from the last few weeks. Hopefully I can keep more on top of the blog from now on.
Since my last post I've kep myself busy with various stitching projects. I've had to order some supplies to finish framing but otherwise they are done:
I started another photograph-to-embroider piece and am busy with that. I'm hoping to get it done before Breast Cancer Awareness Month starts up in October. I've also got to clean up another pattern for a stitching swap I'm participating in. I'm hoping it will turn out well!! If anyone wants, I can start posting patterns.
The hell that is Cymbalta is almost over. I haven't had any in a couple of weeks and the only thing I notice now is that I'm a bit down in the dumps. I think it was boosting serotonin as a means of blocking pain. I don't want to go on more drugs to get my natural serotonin to start producing itself again. So I'm not sure what I should do about it right now. For anyone reading this, just know there is hope to get off this shit, or anything else you are taking and want to be off of. So the fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis are still a big part of my life. I'm trying to figure out how to be active and get exercise without exacerbating the illnesses. And the endometriosis still sucks. Some days of the month I can hardly walk because it hurts so much. I got more pain medication today and it was hard to sit in an office full of little babies and pregnant women. It seems so easy for people to get knocked up. I wonder why I can't? The doctor ordered a lab test so they are going to see what a bunch of hormone levels are up to right now. I'm curious.
Also since my last post, Ron and I attended a home buyer's workshop. They are a non-profit group and claim they can help anyone get into a home. We are a tough case! Both of us carry student loan debt and credit card debt. My health crap eats away at a lot of our funds. Not to mention a recent $1000 car repair bill. We just can't seem to get ahead! But we aren't giving up and we have our first meeting next week with this group. I found their presentation to be very interesting and it fired up the activist in me. Damn the big lending companies! Check out www.naca.com for more information. They have locations all over the country. If you go through their program, the big banks fulfill a federal law that says they need to loan so much a year to programs like this and you get a locked in low interest rate, no closing costs and no downpayment. Not bad eh? The catch is you have to go through a strict budget through their program to prove you can make your mortgage payments.
We've got lots going on this month which is good. Good to be busy I guess. We are going to help out an historic cemetery later in the month. They need people to help weed and maintain headstones. I'm also going to talk to someone about helping with their history book project. And we have free tickets to the Twins/Royals game that night, which I'm really looking forward to. I got to tour the Kaufman stadium but didn't stay for a game. We did see a minor league game not long ago, the T-Bones vs Joliet. Again, free tickets! I'm afraid that's all anyone can afford these days. If it isn't free, we try not to do it anymore.
Here are some photos from the last few weeks. Hopefully I can keep more on top of the blog from now on.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Mr. X Stitch
It was posted today! See the Stitchgasm on Facebook. (I'm not sure where it is on the main site, so I have to link you to it on Facebook.) I'm pretty excited and happy, etc etc etc and to be honest, having this happen and my first Etsy sale in one week is exactly what I needed. I've been having a hard time keeping my spirits up and got all doom and gloom. It's good to be reminded that there are good things going on too.
So! If you are a crafter or looking to start, check out Mr. X Stitch blog about the 1st birthday of the Mr. X Stitch site. They are having giveaways and other fun things. Good stuff! Check 'em out and start subscribing!
So! If you are a crafter or looking to start, check out Mr. X Stitch blog about the 1st birthday of the Mr. X Stitch site. They are having giveaways and other fun things. Good stuff! Check 'em out and start subscribing!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Craft-a-frickin-roonie!
Here is my little recap for the last week or so:
Last week was hell as far as health goes but this is a new week! I was a shit-load of pain from endo and arthritis last week but thankfully, these things aren't an everyday problem for me. Shit could always be worse!
Ma Burley came on Friday night and we chilled out together on Saturday and went to the Harrah's casino Saturday night. What a culture shock! I did see plenty of casinos in Vegas but it just seemed different because it was here in KC. I lost $50 in the slots which sucked and the drinks were $5, not free like Vegas. Casinos are fun for a few hours but after that, I've had my fill. It's loud, reeks of smoke and there are people EVERYWHERE. Not a great place for recluses like myself. Her visit was too quick but it was really great to see her again.
My Etsy hasn't sold anything yet however I think I have a few interested in "Ass, the other Vagina." I have a couple private requests also that I need to get started on. I'm excited about that because it's fun to make these but even more fun to know that people are going to put it in their homes soon. As soon as payday gets here, I am off to the crafy store again to get supplies. I'm geeked!
Speaking of stitchery, I finished my first photo-to-embroidery project. Here is the result and a comparison of the original photo to the cloth and thread result:
I felt pretty good about the overall end-product. This has been a complete learning experience for me and I see what I need to work on now. I have ideas for the next embroidery project already! I like the idea of taking my photography and doing something more with it. My ultimate goal is to get a gallery show. I think I'm on my way as *enter drumroll* I'm going to be featured in the near future on Stitchgasm. ACK!!!! This is exciting to me although most of you probably don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. See the following website: http://www.mrxstitch.com/ I am not sure what day it will be, but one of the people who works on this newsletter is a woman known as Beefrank. She is a witty, creative genius and her work makes me laugh a lot! You can see her work on Flickr by going to http://www.flickr.com/photos/beefranck/. If you appreciate humor, talent and witicisms, please check out her stuff! Also, subscribe to Mr. X Stitch via the site or Facebook. (He is also megacool and a Brit!) This stuff absolutely feeds me inspiration as well as making me laugh. I can't believe how creative people can be and it is freakin' awesome to see so many talented people out there producing so much stuff. Ok sorry, I got a little carried away!!
Add that to a confirmation email I received about enrollment in a free digital photography course and I'm about to implode! Whoopee!
All right, enough of that crazy shit. As always, I hope everyone is well. Catch ya later, tschus!
Last week was hell as far as health goes but this is a new week! I was a shit-load of pain from endo and arthritis last week but thankfully, these things aren't an everyday problem for me. Shit could always be worse!
Ma Burley came on Friday night and we chilled out together on Saturday and went to the Harrah's casino Saturday night. What a culture shock! I did see plenty of casinos in Vegas but it just seemed different because it was here in KC. I lost $50 in the slots which sucked and the drinks were $5, not free like Vegas. Casinos are fun for a few hours but after that, I've had my fill. It's loud, reeks of smoke and there are people EVERYWHERE. Not a great place for recluses like myself. Her visit was too quick but it was really great to see her again.
My Etsy hasn't sold anything yet however I think I have a few interested in "Ass, the other Vagina." I have a couple private requests also that I need to get started on. I'm excited about that because it's fun to make these but even more fun to know that people are going to put it in their homes soon. As soon as payday gets here, I am off to the crafy store again to get supplies. I'm geeked!
Speaking of stitchery, I finished my first photo-to-embroidery project. Here is the result and a comparison of the original photo to the cloth and thread result:
I felt pretty good about the overall end-product. This has been a complete learning experience for me and I see what I need to work on now. I have ideas for the next embroidery project already! I like the idea of taking my photography and doing something more with it. My ultimate goal is to get a gallery show. I think I'm on my way as *enter drumroll* I'm going to be featured in the near future on Stitchgasm. ACK!!!! This is exciting to me although most of you probably don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. See the following website: http://www.mrxstitch.com/ I am not sure what day it will be, but one of the people who works on this newsletter is a woman known as Beefrank. She is a witty, creative genius and her work makes me laugh a lot! You can see her work on Flickr by going to http://www.flickr.com/photos/beefranck/. If you appreciate humor, talent and witicisms, please check out her stuff! Also, subscribe to Mr. X Stitch via the site or Facebook. (He is also megacool and a Brit!) This stuff absolutely feeds me inspiration as well as making me laugh. I can't believe how creative people can be and it is freakin' awesome to see so many talented people out there producing so much stuff. Ok sorry, I got a little carried away!!
Add that to a confirmation email I received about enrollment in a free digital photography course and I'm about to implode! Whoopee!
All right, enough of that crazy shit. As always, I hope everyone is well. Catch ya later, tschus!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
If I sold my drugs, I’d be rich!
Yay, another prescription for a controlled substance. Hopefully I won't need it long; just until I can wean off the Cymbalta fully. God, I hope this works. I'm tired of feeling like my brain is going through a meat grinder. So that makes it three controlled substances I'm on. Wow. And yet I somehow manage to still get to work most days of the week. That's a little fucked up, isn't it?
Speaking of meat, I am off red meat now, including pork. And for some reason I can only seem to eat fish when it is raw. Fresh sushi doesn't taste like the bottom of a cesspool. Yet cooked fish does. Wtf? It just grosses me out. Plus it feels like my tastes have changed lately. No, not pregnant...trust me. I did read, however, that changing one's diet can help with certain health issues I have. So getting rid of red meat might help. I also need to get rid of alcohol, carbonated beverages, fatty foods and anything else you can think of that is good tasting and bad for you. Damnit. I'm working on it though. Doesn't help that I do this with the scary Estrogen Monster looming over me.
By the way, I googled "Estrogen Monster" and came up with this image:
That made me giggle a lot. Ha! There's nothing like a pissed off Muppet.
That takes me to another image I saw years ago and this also is a good one:
However I've never seen this one before:
Ok one more...just because I like it:
What else....Rowdy gave us a little scare. We went to the lake and did our cabin thing for a night. We came home early because we all felt like shit: back ache, sunburn, tired and sore. Rowdy had too much activity and we thought he was a goner. Thankfully he is on some good drugs (more addicts in the family!) and will be ok. He's just an old dog and can only take so much. It didn't help that last weekend was hellishly hot and humid. Here are some lake shots:
The boat we rented was a little fishing boat which was fine until we came back against the tide. Every ripple we hit was like hitting a cement curb. We all got jarred quite a bit. But it was cheap and fun. The water felt great and didn't stink of algae like I remember Patterson Lake smelling.
It was good to get away and even better to come back to our own creature comforts, like a pillow top mattress. I wish I had the fortune of some of those other people we saw over the weekend who were hauling swanky RVs and big-ass boats. But we had a nice time anyway, even as short as it was. I'm having a hard time getting into work this week but before I know it, the week will be over. Thank God.
I think my mind has strayed enough for the time being. Everyone is pretty silent these days...are you all on vacation? Bored of the blog? Sick? Busy? In a coma and having an out-of-body experience? Hehee, whatever it is, I hope you are all well. I hope to have better blogs in the near future. It's just so damn hard to concentrate these days!
Tschus.
Speaking of meat, I am off red meat now, including pork. And for some reason I can only seem to eat fish when it is raw. Fresh sushi doesn't taste like the bottom of a cesspool. Yet cooked fish does. Wtf? It just grosses me out. Plus it feels like my tastes have changed lately. No, not pregnant...trust me. I did read, however, that changing one's diet can help with certain health issues I have. So getting rid of red meat might help. I also need to get rid of alcohol, carbonated beverages, fatty foods and anything else you can think of that is good tasting and bad for you. Damnit. I'm working on it though. Doesn't help that I do this with the scary Estrogen Monster looming over me.
By the way, I googled "Estrogen Monster" and came up with this image:
That made me giggle a lot. Ha! There's nothing like a pissed off Muppet.
That takes me to another image I saw years ago and this also is a good one:
However I've never seen this one before:
Ok one more...just because I like it:
What else....Rowdy gave us a little scare. We went to the lake and did our cabin thing for a night. We came home early because we all felt like shit: back ache, sunburn, tired and sore. Rowdy had too much activity and we thought he was a goner. Thankfully he is on some good drugs (more addicts in the family!) and will be ok. He's just an old dog and can only take so much. It didn't help that last weekend was hellishly hot and humid. Here are some lake shots:
The boat we rented was a little fishing boat which was fine until we came back against the tide. Every ripple we hit was like hitting a cement curb. We all got jarred quite a bit. But it was cheap and fun. The water felt great and didn't stink of algae like I remember Patterson Lake smelling.
It was good to get away and even better to come back to our own creature comforts, like a pillow top mattress. I wish I had the fortune of some of those other people we saw over the weekend who were hauling swanky RVs and big-ass boats. But we had a nice time anyway, even as short as it was. I'm having a hard time getting into work this week but before I know it, the week will be over. Thank God.
I think my mind has strayed enough for the time being. Everyone is pretty silent these days...are you all on vacation? Bored of the blog? Sick? Busy? In a coma and having an out-of-body experience? Hehee, whatever it is, I hope you are all well. I hope to have better blogs in the near future. It's just so damn hard to concentrate these days!
Tschus.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Craftism
General brain befuddlement has prevented any new creativity as of late. I did however crank out a couple of things about a week or so ago:
I have a set of Hitchcock stamps that I collected years ago that I want to frame. That is what inspired the Hitchcock piece. The Super Bitch came from a book of cutsey patterns I bought. I also happened to find small frames at Wally World and this was an experimentation with small designs. I'd really like to put it at my desk at work but don't think it would be wise.
Lately I've been looking at embroidery and wanted to try it. Again I'm lost as to what to stitch. However I woke up last night with an idea and spent the day looking at the internet for tutorials on how to make the images in my brain come to the fabric. There are a few photographs I've snapped over the years that I really like and I've decided to make embroidery patterns out of them. Thankfully there are people out there in the crafty world who blog and make how-to videos for the internet. Here is part of the pattern I put together:
I'm afraid that I might start filling up the spare room with projects so I put up an Etsy store finally in the hopes of getting rid of some of them. You can find the store here: www.ndbex.etsy.com. So far I haven't sold anything but there is still hope in me to get rid of some things. I made them pretty cheap!
Double dosing with the new drug and the Cymbalta is still a hellacious experience. I was laid up in front of my computer all day because of it. I hope I can get this out of my system soon. In order to get away from all the stress, Ron and I booked a cabin for the weekend down by Stockton Lake. It's only a couple hours away, we can take the dogs and we've been there before. If we can afford it, we might rent a pontoon and spend Saturday morning tooling around the lake. We badly need to get out of town and have some fun. I'm so excited to go!
That's my exciting life this week. Tschus!!
I have a set of Hitchcock stamps that I collected years ago that I want to frame. That is what inspired the Hitchcock piece. The Super Bitch came from a book of cutsey patterns I bought. I also happened to find small frames at Wally World and this was an experimentation with small designs. I'd really like to put it at my desk at work but don't think it would be wise.
Lately I've been looking at embroidery and wanted to try it. Again I'm lost as to what to stitch. However I woke up last night with an idea and spent the day looking at the internet for tutorials on how to make the images in my brain come to the fabric. There are a few photographs I've snapped over the years that I really like and I've decided to make embroidery patterns out of them. Thankfully there are people out there in the crafty world who blog and make how-to videos for the internet. Here is part of the pattern I put together:
I'm afraid that I might start filling up the spare room with projects so I put up an Etsy store finally in the hopes of getting rid of some of them. You can find the store here: www.ndbex.etsy.com. So far I haven't sold anything but there is still hope in me to get rid of some things. I made them pretty cheap!
Double dosing with the new drug and the Cymbalta is still a hellacious experience. I was laid up in front of my computer all day because of it. I hope I can get this out of my system soon. In order to get away from all the stress, Ron and I booked a cabin for the weekend down by Stockton Lake. It's only a couple hours away, we can take the dogs and we've been there before. If we can afford it, we might rent a pontoon and spend Saturday morning tooling around the lake. We badly need to get out of town and have some fun. I'm so excited to go!
That's my exciting life this week. Tschus!!
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