I think it's time. It's time to document the last year of my experience, if not for someone else, then for myself. For catharsis, if possible.
Last year in November, we forked over about $10,000 and took a class about open adoption with our chosen adoption agency. I felt this was the right agency for us because it is a smaller agency with less clients, more one-on-one interaction with the counselors and I liked that they only do open adoptions. At first I was put off by open adoption, but the more I read about it, the more I liked it. I like that the child knows where he came from, good or bad. He has the option to get in touch with his parent(s). His birth mother can be a part of his upbringing. And we will know about his genetics which is good for health history. Inevitably a child has a little crisis, they say around age 9, where he/she may become angry or upset or have questions about why he was put up for adoption. And having an open adoption allows for open communication between families which I feel is better for the child. It's also better for the birth mother, which statistically leads to less change of heart issues at the hospital. Knowing she can see her baby again and be a part of her child's life is comforting.
So we went to the class and learned about open adoption, how the adoption process works, etc. I learned that the woman who founded the agency grew up down the street from my family and her sister was my mom's best friend and colleague. That was very strange and comforting. I cried learning that. Everything we learned made it sound like we could be matched with a birth mom very quickly! We had our home study completed in January of this year and waited with excitement to be called with news of a match. It's almost December and no call. No potential moms have chosen us. So I'm working on a website and thinking of doing another book, one more serious and "mainstream" looking. I think maybe our book was too goofy. I mean, it represents us well, as we are goofy and fun yet loving but maybe we don't look like we are taking this as seriously as the other couples. I don't know. I think we must look awful compared to the other families.
Also in January, I had the IUD placed to prevent pregnancy, not that I was worried about it since we'd been trying ever since Sebastian died. But with the medications I am on, it is not a good idea to get pregnant. So I got the IUD. I was also very sick all winter and into the spring. I couldn't eat and was dry heaving a lot. I felt awful! Then I broke out in acne all over my face, chest and shoulders. I was so upset about it, wondering what the hell was going on with my body. Then I had a thought: the only time I get this much acne is when I'm pregnant. But that can't be possible because I have the IUD. But I took a test and it was positive. I got to my doctor immediately in a panic! This can't be happening!! Taking out the IUD will cause a miscarriage! How is this possible??
This was in March. So they did an internal exam and couldn't find the IUD strings. Did you notice if the IUD fell out? I said NO. I don't know if it ever fell out but I've been having diarrhea a lot lately so who knows if it came out and fell into a yucky toilet. Sorry, TMI. So they did a sonogram. They saw a sac but couldn't hear a heartbeat. They told me it must be too early to hear one. Come back in a week and maybe they could hear one then. Meanwhile they will check my blood and see how high my hormones were and then they could figure out how far I was. Also, on the sonogram they didn't see the IUD. It was mysteriously missing. They thought I was maybe 5 weeks since they didn't hear a heart. I said, no I thought I was more like 7 or 8 based on the calendar I had calculated. So I go home confused and get a call mid-week and the doctor said my hormones were really high. She wants me to go to an imaging center to get a more detailed sonogram. I have to be farther along. She is concerned it's a partial molar pregnancy. That's why there isn't a heartbeat. I am further along and there is not baby in there because this is a pregnancy that has turned into a tumor. If there isn't a heartbeat or a fetus inside, it's a molar pregnancy. Well, it was a molar pregnancy. I had to have a DNC as soon as possible as these kinds of pregnancies can turn cancerous. I went from thinking I could be having a miracle baby to having a tumor. Another pregnancy loss. I got pregnant with an IUD inserted and two sperm making it to the egg after trying to get pregnant for years after a full term stillbirth. This is my luck. This is my life. I was furious, despondent, hopeless.
I had the DNC and apparently these kinds of pregnancies tend to bleed a lot. I lost 1/3 of my blood and needed a transfusion. I stayed at the hospital overnight and had a transfusion in the morning of 2 pints. And they found the IUD too, buried in all the tissue inside of me. I ended up having to have my HCG monitored twice a week and then weekly to ensure it was going down which meant they got all the tumor cells out of me. If it ever went back up, I'd have to get radiation and treated for cancer. So I eventually got a hysterectomy in June. I wouldn't be able to try for another baby with my medications and this maybe-cancer thing hanging over me. I am so bitter over it. I would have felt better if we had adopted by now. However that still hasn't happened. I don't know when or if it will.
So we continue to wait! That's where things are now.
