NO MAS!

I tried posting this earlier but the damn site timed out.  Here we go again, in more ways than one.

I was called into my gynecologist's office today to discuss something they found on my dye test that I was not aware of.  While my fallopian tubes are open, it appears I have a birth defect that causes abnormalities of the uterus as well as the kidneys.  Tomorrow I'm having an ultrasound of my kidneys to make sure they are shaped correctly.  It looks like I have a septated uterus which is the product of a Mullerian defect.  I have to see an infertility specialist and possibly have surgery to correct it.  What it amounts to is having a wall or septum inside my uterus that portions off the uterus into two "rooms."  If the fertilized egg implants into the septum part instead of the lining of the uterus, I can miscarry.  It's also possible that I could carry to term and never know the difference.

We are seriously looking at adoption now.  Infertility treatment is such a gamble and so very expensive.  I'm not sure insurance would cover any of this.  This defect can cause a lot of pain and exacerbate endometriosis which I believe is happening.  But the minute someone mentions infertility, insurance doesn't want to pay for it.  I believe having this surgery would actually help my pain.

I'm frustrated beyond expression and getting pretty depressed.  I'm to the point now where I just want to give up completely.  But fortunately or unfortunately, the only option I have is to move forward.  So now matter what they tell me is wrong next, I can only accept it and move on.  Fuckityfuckfuckfuckerton.

Starting off the morning right

Since Rowdy is now on a special diet to help lower his kidney levels, we have three types of dog food and three dogs.  It's tough to get each dog to just eat out of his or her bowl only.  We also don't have a lot of room for the dog food bags.  I've been piling them up on top of some of the kibble containers and today that bit me in the ass.

 

Sadie of course was more than happy to help me clean up.  I'm leaving all the little bits on the floor and hopefully she'll have it cleared away by the time I get home from work tonight.  Ahhhh what a way to start the morning.

Whattya know

Diagnosis: rheumatoid arthritis with fibromyalgia.  Thankfully still a mild case of it.  Treatment?  Not a whole lot of options until I'm ready to be on some drugs for a while.

I asked my doctor if fibromyalgia is real.  She said it is definitely real but it is not an affliction of the joints or muscles even though that's often where the pain resides.  However it is more likely to be a problem with the nerves communicating with the brain.  People with fibro are apparently hyper sensitive to pain and simple stimuli cause very painful signals to the brain.  Well, I can buy that.  I've thought for a long time that I had a really poor pain threshold.

I'm so tired out right now that I can hardly think straight.  At least I know now I'm not crazy.  At least not about this.

Yaaaay Monday

We survived having a stranger come into our house Sunday.  I really don't know what it is about a lot of people who rescue animals.  Many of these people seem to have mental problems.  We had Rowdy go through all kinds of tests to pacify her and this stupid contract we got into.  Turns out the little bugger is doing pretty well with only a few slightly elevated results.  All is well I suppose.  If she wants to try and use this contract against us, good luck.

I got my new camera last week too.  Huzzah!  I took some great photos of the dogs yesterday and I will hopefully take better ones soon.







Tomorrow I go back to the rheumatologist and hopefully she'll have some answers for me.  If she tells me there is nothing wrong with me, then I will just commit myself to the nuthouse. Some days I can hardly walk normally because my ankles and knees hurt so much.  So if that's all in my head, please just give me a fucking lobotomy.

Finally for the day let me  just say how much I'm enjoying playing Left 4 Dead with my husband.  He finally got the coveted XBox and now I'm getting to know all the controllers for this game system.  I HEART Zombie games and I'm loving this!  We also ordered some zombie targets for the gun range and I'm fucking geeked about that.  Should be pretty cool going to the Bullet Hole with zombie targets.  Come on, seriously.  Are we not fucking cool?  Heh.  Anyways, time to get some sleep.  Adios.

Guten Nacht Meinen Freunden

So what do you do when work or home life is stressful?  Because let's face it, having kids and rearing them are full time jobs.  You can't beat people, at least not legally.  Especially at work.  They actually have things in writing about harassment, violence, etc.  Go figure!

Very little of this week has gone well.  I don't know why exactly.  I've had shitty health, discombobulation in my brain which carries over into work and home, and things are simply out of my control.  FUBAR.  The crazy woman from hell is trying to take Rowdy away or at least assert some kind of fucked up visitation "rights" upon us.  I may soon know what it is like to file a restraining order.  I will personally inform her of that come Sunday.  I also found out how satisfying and scary it is to stand up to someone in the workplace who is at the director level.  But damnit, especially when you are a woman in the workplace, you have to be careful about preventing people from silencing your voice.  Once again I feel like I'm a reluctant feminist.  Guess what?  All I want to do at work is (wait for it, wait for it) my job.  All I want in the process is the same respect I give everyone else.  Cripes.

So since I can't climb the tower with my rifle without severe moral and legal repercussions,  I have to resort to other methods of stress relief in the workplace.  Thank you Jesus for my coworker Sarah.  She brought me a little voodoo doll to keep my spirits up.  Also I get to stab it with mucho gusto.  STAB STAB STAB!

One good thing about this week was my HSP test.  My fallopian tubes seem open.  Huzzah!  Perhaps I'm not the infertile, fucked up mess I think I am.  I can't fight the endometriosis or rheumatoid arthritis (if that is what I think it is) while I am trying to get pregnant.  I have to get the baby making portion of my life over with so I can treat my illnesses with the proper medication.  Nothing like putting a little stress on yourself.

And thus dear readers, I leave you with a couple photos of my little voodoo buddy.  Good night my friends.

Neuroses galore!

It's only Tuesday and so far it feels like an incredibly long week.  Ma Burley left yesterday and a dark cloud has settled over the house.  We worry about her down in crapville Oklahoma and we really enjoyed her company.  She was a huge support system for us while we were going through some tough health stuff.

I've really missed having a mom for 25 years (fuck, it's been 25 years!?) and it's an amazing feeling to have a mom/daughter relationship as an adult.  When I was a child, I would see my friends fighting with their moms all the time, or bitching about their moms.  I would get so angry because I wished I had my mom back.  I thought my friends were being selfish and taking that privilege for granted.  But they were kids and all kids fight with their parents.  I just had a very different perspective then they did.

At least we sent Ma home with some new friends.  Charlie, although bursting with excess dominance issues, has been a great dog.  He's adapting really well and is a very happy dog (most of the time.)  We made the mistake of picking up some dog food on Sunday at a Petsmart which was having dog adoptions.  Shivering in a cage, clad in a lame Flashdance-like shirt, was this little Chihuahua.  We walked her around, handled her and adopted her on the spot.  So what did that mean?  Five fuckin' dogs in our house, not to mention the pet rat.

When we arrived home from Petsmart, I waited in the car with the new dog, now named Mandi.  (Aside:  Since Charlie's name brings out spontaneous singing of the theme from Charles in Charge, we went with another song-like name and chose Barry Manilow's Mandi.  One can never really be tortured with just ONE song stuck in her head.)  I got impatient and thought I could carry all my shit inside while still controlling the tiny dog sans leash.  I put her on the ground and she looked up at me with her big, bug eyes.  Then she took off running!  Luckily she went down the cul-de-sac and that is the only reason we got her back.  Ron said he looked out the door, saw me running down the street and then saw the dog sprinting away from me.  Before I knew it Ron was hauling ass ahead of me and we managed to corner the dog in a driveway.  It's nice to know I can still run if I need to, say in a zombie type apocalypse.  I just can't see me wanting to run for any other reason.

So here we are, a happy extended family:





My skin color almost matches the couch.  That's because I'm coming down with a cold.  Looooooovely.

After everyone left yesterday I went to get my x-rays and get some medicine for Sadie.  Sadie came down with a bladder infection the day after we went to the vet and got everyone's vaccinations updated.   The day AFTER.  She never was good with planning ahead.  Luckily I didn't have to bring her back in and I was able to just pick up some antibiotics.  When I got home I had a splitting headache.  I gave Sadie her pill and Rowdy his pain pill.  Rowdy has been very jealous lately of the new dogs so yesterday I gave him lots of attention.  Right after my Rowdy time, I see an email from the person we adopted him from.  She emailed to say she wants to see Rowdy within the week and to please set that up as soon as possible.  Wtf.   As if there wasn't enough going on in our lives to cause us worry and concern, we now have to run around and haul Rowdy out of the house to make this person happy?  I truly resent her intrusion in our lives and her neurotic behavior.  I have passed this one off to Ron to deal with.  I do not have the mindset to be kind, patient or civil right now.  Good grief.

Enough ranting for now.  Take your Vitamin C...you might catch something from this blog.

T-shirt designs now available!

I made some t-shirt designs tonight based on my "Eat Shit" cross stitch pattern. I plan on doing different colors soon. Check it out:

http://255495.spreadshirt.com/us/US/Shop/




Spreadshirt Market Place Product

Scoop THIS!




Spreadshirt Market Place Product

Eat sh*t t-shirt




Spreadshirt Market Place Product

Eat sh*t spaghetti strap tee

Finally

I've had a mental to-do list for months and I am finally able to check things off.  First, our taxes are done!  Some of our return will go to fix the TV which has been cracked ever since the disastrous Wii bowling incident of '07.  (Wrist straps, wrist straps, wrist straps!)  We're also going to pay off some stuff and the rest goes into savings.  Hooray!  We'll finally have a damn savings account!!!  Taxes, check!

I gave up on waiting for a photographer friend to sell me his old camera.  Instead I've ordered a nice Nikon D40 which operates as a point-and-shoot and an SLR.  It's supposed to be a good way to learn how to use an SLR, like training wheels for the camera.  I may never get to the point where I am using F Stops and Iso's and 4 different lenses so this camera will be a great step up from my little point-and-shoot.   Camera upgrade, check!

My website is up and has links for the cross stitch, photography and book projects.  I don't have the e-commerce portion up.  It took me four hours yesterday to get the site up, develop the logo (thanks in huge part to Ron,) and find an image that I took of the badlands to work in the web site template.  I'm not happy with how the photos of the designs look but fuck it.  It's up and running.  Web site, check!

The book is coming along slowly but surely too.  I've started the fourth page!  Not much, I know but progress is progress.  I like Albedo's reasoning in his comment from a previous blog.  Just keep writing and you at least have something to work with.  Book started, check!

Tomorrow I have my diagnostic test to check my girly tubes.  Hopefully they are open and working!  I'll come home, load up on drugs and wait out the cramps from that.  Maybe I'll get some stitching done or some house cleaning started.   Charlie is probably leaving tomorrow with Ma Burley.  I'll miss them  both and hopefully they will live up here permanently soon.  I'll keep praying for that.  It's been so nice to have the company and support.

Today we have errands to run and relaxing to do.  Have a great Sunday!

Web Site Up!

http://www.ndbexcreations.com

I will be updating and adding to the site as things progress.  Please link me to your web sites and/or blogs.  Thanks guys!

My new frenemy is Cymbalta

I've been on a drug called Cymbalta since last fall.  I was put on this drug after being misdiagnosed with Fribromyalgia.  My main complaints were joint and muscle pain as well as extreme fatigue.  It is my belief that I was given this diagnosis because the doctors could not agree on what was causing my symptoms.  Cymbalta helped alleviate the pain but it also made me a zombie.  So then I was put on Welbutrin to combat that problem.  Yay, more drugs!!!

Neither drug is safe for pregnancy so I'm weaning off of them one drug at a time.  Cymbalta stays in your system for a long time so it's harder to get off of it.  I've been taking one pill every other day for almost two weeks and I feel like I'm losing my freaking mind.  I'm so dizzy, have absolutely no short term memory and am very easily frustrated and emotional.  Not to mention the "brain shivers."  I was reading about this on the net and I've been experiencing it too.  It's similar to when your heart skips a beat or speeds up only it feels that way in your brain.  It's hard to explain and really weird.

This sucks ass.  I hate this drug.  I feel like the kid who sits at the front of the bus, methodically licking the window until I get home.

I've got writing and stitching to do at home as well as housework.  None of that is getting done.  Not to mention work.  Ugh.  I can't stay focused enough to get everything done as quickly as I normally do.

Anyone have advice on getting off of shitty medications?  I don't know how people do shit like meth or coke.  Cripes I can't even handle the legal stuff.  Sounds like I"m not alone: I found this site.

Time for a nap and then off to work.  Going to be another long day!  Tschus.

Writing for realz?

I'm working on a self-published book about my experience with a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy.  In short, why I willingly cut off my boobs.  I am working on it a little at a time and realizing how absolutely shitty my writing is.  I'm going to need a lot more descriptive information as well as a butt-load of editing skills.

When I went through all of this, I couldn't find much information about it anywhere.  It's more common now because of celebrities like Christina Applegate. But what about the average woman who doesn't have unlimited funds, influential friends and news media?  It's never an easy decision to have a piece or pieces of you cut off when they are presumably healthy.  There are things that I wish I had known going into it and I want to share that information with others.  I don't expect to ever make money off of this project.  My goal is to have people email me and say that my book helped them to get through their own surgery.

I'm trying to do this now before I forget most of the details.  I can't believe I can't find any photos from that time.  I think that I purposely didn't take too many because I didn't want to see how awful I looked.  I wish I had better documented the experience.  But if I try to record things now, I might be able to help someone else who is about to go through it.

Hell, maybe I'll be able to write something up about endometriosis or rheumatoid arthritis someday.  For being only 32 I think I have a little too much to share about diseases and "conditions."  But shit happens.  Life goes on.  I accept the body I have and I'm ready to move on.

Anyways, is it Friday yet?  Sushi on Friday night!!!  Sakura :-)

Fluffy white madness

Meet Charlie, a Maltese.

We found him at the Olathe Animal Center.  He was at this pound since February 1, after being found wandering the streets at night.  He was full of horrible mats, filthy, hair grown into his eyes and mouth.  We got him out of his kennel and he immediately ran to Ron's mom and jumped on her.  He loves Kim.  The first night was tough but today is much better.  He had some aggressive dominant traits but haven't had a problem today.  Tomorrow the vet will thoroughly check him out and he'll be properly groomed.  Hopefully soon he won't have ass breath either.  Phooey!

Kim went to my rheumatology appointment with me today.  This doctor seems to really listen and wasn't anything like the ass I saw last year.  She's ordered some x-rays and blood tests.  My doctor said something interesting when I told her my experience.  She said she doesn't diagnose anyone with Fibromyalgia.  I'm glad.  Because I feel like this is thrown on people when doctor's don't have the experience and/or knowledge to figure out what is really wrong.  I don't think anyone with Fibro is making up their pain or fatigue.  But I think it's too easy these days to throw a name on you and give you pills.  The pills cover things up and sometimes really help but they don't always treat the problem.  Now I have to go through the fun withdrawl process of getting myself off the drugs I was given for it.

I hope this brings an answer soon and I can just move on.  I've also got a Hysterosalpingogram next week.  Don't ask me how to pronounce it!  To read about this fun test, see http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/guide/hysterosalpingogram-21590.

I hope I'm really close to figuring things out and moving on with my life.  :)

 

Animal Haven Visit

Mom and I visited Animal Haven yesterday evening.  People there were very friendly and helpful.  The animals seemed well cared for but cramped inside the cages.  The outdoor kennels were really nice especially on such a nice February day.  Even though I know these animals are taken care of, I couldn't help but feel just sad seeing them caged up.  Mom was pretty depressed by the site as well.  There are two dogs we both really fell in love with two boxer mixes.  I don't know yet if mom will take them both or just one or leave without either of them.  I'll post more later, hopefully with pictures!

Passions

I've been thinking today about what my passions and strengths are.  I've narrowed it down to four main areas:  photography, cross stitching, my job and animals.  I'm still trying to get a nice camera so I can learn to produce much nicer images.  It wouldn't hurt to get some Photoshop lessons as well.  I'll resume my stitching after our house guest leaves.  My job has enough variety and awesome challenges to keep me going for quite some time.  And animals, well that is never ending.

I'm going with my mother-in-law this weekend to some animal shelters to help her find a dog.  I love it when people adopt animals.  It makes me feel really warm and fuzzy inside.  I called Animal Haven today to ask them some questions and when I asked about volunteering, I told the woman that I worry I'll get too attached to the animals.  She said I probably will but the good thing about Animal Haven is that the only animals they euthanize are very sick ones or ones with really aggressive behavior.  I think I'll volunteer for them since Spay and Neuter Kansas City isn't having any MASH clinics right now.

One thing I'm good at is getting animals to show their personalities.  Both Patton and Rowdy were really shy and depressed when we adopted them.  Patton was especially a bad case.  He never had a dog bed before, never had treats or chews and didn't know how to play or cuddle.  Both dogs are really happy and have distinct personalities.  Even the rat has a personality!  And if you've ever met my third dog Sadie, then you know how full of personality she is!

My question to you is: what are you good at?  What's your passion?  And how can you use it to better your community?  Even just ten hours a month spent volunteering makes a huge difference if we all do it.  Or if you can't volunteer, donate money or supplies to a local charity.

http://www.animalhavenkc.org/ 

 

Feel free to promote your favorite local or national charity in your comments!

The Blog of Arrrrghhhh has moved!

I finally set up my new blog.  I'll keep my old blog for a private place to complain and rant.  This blog is a place for everything else.  First off, how is everyone?  We're doing well in the Martz-Burley house.  My mother-in-law is kind enough to stay until my next big doctor's appointment.  That happens on Monday and I'm so ready to go and see if I can get some answers.  My wrists, knees, ankles and elbows ache like crazy today.  I'm also having muscle spasms in my surgical area so that's fun!

I get run down and frustrated but overall I can't complain.  Today it is supposed to be almost 70 degrees.  Yesterday it was about 30!  Work is challenging and really interesting lately.  I'm really enjoying the work.  Last week I was fortunate enough to handle the firearm collection.  The oldest item was a 1652 wheel lock muskette.  The nicest was an 1873 Winchester.  Very cool stuff!  No photos from that day though as the light was pretty dim.

Last week we also survived a difficult round of layoffs.  Things are very stressful there but once I'm buried in my work, I'm ok.  I feel so awful for everyone who lost their jobs.  I really hope they will be ok.  We are safe this year but we'll need to work really hard to find grant money for our department.

I took a photograph of the building as I walked to my car sometime last week.  God bless Photoshop.

UPDATE ON CROSS STITCH SITE:  I'm still working to get a website going to display and sell my cross stitch creations.  It's a lot more work than I thought it would be.  Sure I can pick a lame template and slap things up but it won't be personalized at all.  So I'm trying to get it as Bex-like as I can.  I'll be sure to announce just about everywhere when it's up.  I'm also contemplating a small photo book.  More on that if/when it comes to fruition.  For those of you with your own websites, I'd greatly appreciate it if you can link my sites to your pages.  Thanks!!

Thanks for sticking with me all these years.  I'll keep my myspace page and facebook page so no fear there.  And welcome to new readers!!