Pretty and sick

Once in a while, my tired, Mommy/fibro brain allows a shaft of light inside my head long enough for me to form a few coherent and relevant thoughts. Spell-check helps too. I just read this article about feeling beautiful when you live with an autoimmune disease. Personally I have gone many days without a shower, without brushing my hair, without dressing in proper clothes, let alone not leaving the house. It's hard to have the energy to care about your looks. So I appreciated this article on that level alone.

But then I read through the comments and was surprised to see how many people bitched and griped, saying the article is superficial. Simply putting on lipstick doesn't transform your whole outlook or how you physically feel. Putting on a cute outfit doesn't mean diddly shit when you can't get out of bed, or take a shower, as I find myself going without on many occasions. I get that, I do. I go through waves of anger, acceptance, sloth and defiance. But I have to say that on days when I can't primp myself a little, putting on a little of my favorite perfume makes a difference in how I feel about myself in that moment. It's not perfect, but sometimes it's enough.

However, I do agree a lot of these articles make it sound like the deep psychological issues that accompany physical pain and limitations are easy to fix with just a quick swipe of lipstick or a snazzy sweater. Patients like us aren't looking to be coddled or pitied, but we don't want to be condescended either. Shit happens. My new normal is to always have pain or discomfort on any given day. Hell, I feel like shit at least a little bit all the time, so I didn't even realize I was running a fever from an infection this week. I just figured it was the changes from the rainy weather that so often wreak havoc on joints and sinuses. That's life. We either learn to make the efforts to look nice or we accept that yoga pants and tshirts are good enough for the day. Do your best, that's all you can do.

Tschus.

2013

With a flip of the calendar, we automatically proclaim that everything is new again. New you, new goals, new attitude. I am glad I started my "news" before the calendar needs its flipping. My goals aren't resolutions so much as lifestyle changers. Here is what I hope to accomplish.

1. Continue my weight loss journey. I was 172 when my Elsa weight came off which was about where I was when I got pregnant. That was last spring some time. In mid-September (when I started keeping track) I was 168.5. Today I am 157. I have not gone down a size, which pisses me off. However I've noticed my thighs are pretty muscular and maybe after the fat there is reduced, I can shimmy into my old pants. I think I'll always have thick thighs but that's ok.

2. Get rid of gluten in my diet. This one is a biggie. Originally, I scoffed the idea of wheat and gluten being a big inflammatory in our diets. I thought it was a bunch of hippie bullshit. Now I am not so sure. Everything I'm reading makes sense. I'm one of those "don't believe it until I research it myself" kind of people. So that's what I am doing and I've read enough to sway me to change. The hubs is on board and Elsa doesn't give a shit, so what the hell. It's going to be HARD but it is worth a try. It would be like a gift from God to feel better.

3. Reduce or eliminate medications. It would be nice to not have the side effects like drowsiness, crabbiness, craziness, weight gain, fatigue, dizziness to deal with daily.

4. Home improvement. This one is a year-long goal. There are a few small projects that we (i.e., my husband) can do to improve the appearance of this house. A few more areas need paint and some new stick-on linoleum would be nice in certain places. Nothing fancy, but I think a few changes here and there will help sell this place in a few years.

With the changes already made in our lives, most of these things don't seem so daunting. I am close to my goal weight and reducing medications seems plausible. The gluten thing feels like a hefty challenge but that will be easier once I learn new recipes and throw all my flour out. (sad, sad face) The home projects will be nice but expensive. That's why I am spreading this thing out over a year and more. I also have other silly resolutions like wearing sun block when I walk the dogs in the summer. (say goodbye to that farmer tan) So what are your resolutions and life changers? I hope you have some good ones, ones that are realistic and important to you. Good luck to everyone on the new calendar. Look at it this way, we've escaped how many apocalypses so far? We've GOT this!

Week 4, Days 4-7 + 1

I have been terrible about keeping this up and I'm so mad at myself! But I do have a good excuse! ELSA. Haha, that kid is pretty demanding. And she's cutting two molars which SUCKS. She's pretty cranky and since she learned to throw baby tantrums (arching her back and screaming when you try to pick her up)I haven't had much time to shower, let alone blog. Blogging takes thinking and at least attempts at sentence structure and grammar. My brain cells last week were few. But at least this week the hubby isn't traveling so Week 5 will be better, blog-wise.

So anyways, about Week 4! Week 4 asks for a lot more cardio and you do see more carbs here and there to help with that. Although according to my very grumpy husband, there weren't enough carbs. Since he has a pretty packed workday, every day, he hasn't been able to eat all his snacks and wasn't eating enough. I did pretty well sticking to the plan all week, except for the days when my body hurt too much to do the workouts.

In the last four weeks I have lost 8.5 pounds! WOW! It would have been more had I not pigged out the week of Thanksgiving and gained back a pound. But who cares, this is still amazing. I've never been on a plan that: 1)I didn't quit after it got hard, and, 2)actually worked despite being on Prednisone. Normally the Prednisone cravings are so intense for carbs that I end up caving in and pigging out. Also it really does help to get all the bad stuff out of the house. I did make a small pan of brownies during Aunt Flo's regular visit and we ate them with glee and guilt. But we didn't gain any weight! And since it was a small amount, they were gone and out of the house quickly. Last night we ate raw veggies with humus with our meal and it tasted so damn good. I think when you stop eating all the crap, you start to really taste things again. You savor your food more.

So why +1 in the title? Well I think Dr. Smith is jammed with emails and I haven't received Week 5 yet, but I hope to get it today. So I'm just doing over the Week 4 meals until I receive this week's plan. I will report on my experiences as soon as I can.

Well the little BOSS is awake so I better get a bottle ready and go get her. Have a great day!

Week 4, Day 2 and 3

On Day 2 I felt like Superwoman. I was doing this and I was doing that, and then I did some more. I felt like I didn't have any illnesses and I was a normal, healthy person again! Until late afternoon. The aches and pains hit me pretty hard and I walked around like the living dead, doped on pain killers and muscle relaxers, cooking dinner for Elsa and playing with her. Luckily I got to talk to my mother in law for an hour which helped to wake me up. We always commiserate together and she's a great source of support for me. What a wonderful woman!

The menu on Day 2 felt less filling to me than Day 1. I think the diet switches things up so much so your body doesn't get used to getting the same kinds of foods every day. And let me tell you, you are not eating exotic foods. I'm talking oatmeal, fruit, vegetables, lean protein. You can drink protein shakes and I buy the generic ones from Target, Special K or the ones from Unikey Health, which are my favorite.

So if you are reading this and wondering if you can do this program, the answer is YES. You can preorder the book and it's under $20. Seriously, get on it!

I hate feeling like this but it could be worse. I just got to make sure I rest today and hopefully tomorrow I will feel better. I'm just going to go ahead and include today, Day 3, since I know I will just be following the diet, trying to drink lots of water and sitting my ass on the chair. Here's to hoping Day 4 is more exciting! Tschus!

Week 3, Day 3

Yesterday was Day 3 and I did ok. Once again I unintentionally skipped a meal because of some health stuff. Ever take pain killers? If you have, you would know that it backs you up pretty bad. I felt like there was a cement block in my intestines. I didn't even have the urge to go and my abdomen hurt so much! I went to the pharmacy and picked up the dreaded bottle of magnesium citrate. Look it up. You get to drink it the day before a colonoscopy. Mmmm comes in grape flavor now!

Drinking that stuff makes me so nauseous, it sucked. So eating more food was out of the question. Things are better today so I'm trying my best to do this all the way! I did come to a realization last night that I need to do what my body is needing. Notice I didn't say WANT. If my body needs a little bit of carbs or protein because my blood sugar is low, then I'll do it.

I forgot to mention that last week I gained back 1 pound. Not a huge setback, considering it was a holiday week. But disappointing regardless.

Sorry for the TMI but my digestive system was a huge factor in yesterday's diet. I did get in the cardio though before my delicious, grape-flavored laxative. *sigh* Time to go walk the baby and the dogs. Cardio, cardio, cardio! (And pooping!)

Week 2, Days 3-5

Well we made it through Thanksgiving! This week has been very hard to keep to the plan. I am not one to ignore or throw away yummy Thanksgiving leftovers unless they are spoiled. So I've been eating small post-TDay meals. And for the first time EVER my pumpkin pie turned out perfect! It's my favorite pie and I've had a couple slices of that heavenly yumminess.

Thursday night my mother in law and I went to Toys R Us to do some shopping. We stood in line to check out for almost two hours. YIKES! Standing was tough for me (and her) but we made it and I even found some awesome collectibles for myself! (More on that in a post to come.) Yesterday I got some good cardio and maybe today I can get a walk in the evening. We are having Elsa's birthday party today so there will be cake and all kinds of temptations. Again, I'm not going to gorge myself but I am going to have a piece of birthday cake, dammit.

Overall it feels like the week is a wash. I'm debating starting over on Monday with Week 2 but wonder if I should just plow through into the third week. I could have tried harder to follow the diet plan but, as Lady of the House, with guests, I have been trying so hard to make everyone feel welcome, make sure everyone has what they want to eat and drink, take care of the baby, and try to keep my health in check. I've definitely been overdoing it and not sleeping enough. Next week I have several doctor appointments so it's going to be tough to get any rest. Oh well, onward and upward! We'll see what I can do with these last two days of Week 2!

Week 1, Day 6

Again, I was unable to blog last night. That thing called LIFE keeps getting in the way! Here's a run-down of Day 6.

I've noticed that the menu slowly adds in more carbs. Thank God! I personally find it hard to sustain exercise without a carb and protein recovery. My fave is peanut butter and banana on whole wheat toast. It tastes like heaven! It probably exceeds the calories permitted for snacks but I have learned if I'm light headed and shaking, I better give my body what it needs.

I really feel a difference in how my clothes fit. I've been avoiding a style of underpants sitting in my drawer because my hips and rear end are so big, the elastic really hurts my skin. Because we've been too lazy and distracted to do laundry lately, my supply of granny pannies has dwindled. I was forced into the "pinchy" ones, only, they fit now! I know most people would be posting about getting into their skinny jeans but dammit, I'm excited my damned underwear fit again.

We did a much better job at eating on time yesterday with me hollering SNAAAACK TIME!!! down the stairs while Ron was gaming. I'd hear a WHOOPEEE! in response. Again, my damn jaw only allowed me to eat about half of the veggies I wanted but such is life. The menu plan also states that you don't have to eat everything, just that you eat something every 3-4 hours. Ok, simple enough! At least, it's simpler on the weekend with two of us in the house to remind each other. So we both still need to work on getting our food consumed at the right times during the week.

Day 7 starts now so I'm off to experience this brand, new day. I hope to get Day 7's blog done on time tonight! Have a good one! Tschus.

Week 1, Day 5

Forgive me, in advance, if my post is a bit odd. My jaw pain is managed, somewhat, but I'm on some medications that make me a little loopy. And maybe sappy.

Holy smokers, it's still hard to hit all the meals and snacks on time with this diet! One would think it's easy to snarf down food all day but I find it a challenge to nail the snarfing at certain specified times. I am pleasantly surprised to realize that I do not sit on my ass all day, as a stay at home mom, but rather, I am up running around all gawddamn day. I used to feel so bad because I cannot work and I stay home with the baby. That baby and all the responsibilities of household activities are enough to keep me working all day. I haven't nailed down personal time for myself yet. My clock has been set to "baby time" for about a year now. But, I will work harder in the next few days to do better at it.

My husband has been so awesome this week! He's helped with the meals, he's changed his eating times/habits and he's been up before 5AM everyday working out. All of this just to support me. Whatta guy! Having a support system at home has made a huge difference. I don't think I could do this on my own. This first week has taken willpower and resolve. I am also swept up in the enthusiasm of the other people who are taking part in this challenge. If I do well, I could be on the local news, helping to spread the word!

So yes, I am a little excited about being a Shredder. If you want in on the hub-bub, lemme know. Or you can check things out on Facebook at www.facebook.com/ShredderNation and on Twitter @doctoriansmith. If you want to try the diet, you can email Dr. Smith and he will give you details on what to do in order to join.

So far, my pants feel looser. Weigh-in is on Monday. I feel confident that I will show a loss on the scale!

Shredding: Week 1, Day 1

We've made it through Day 1 on the Shred diet. I weighed myself to get my starting weight and I also managed to eat well and work out. The menu lists a lot of food to eat in one day. There are four mini-meals and three snacks. It sounds like a ton of food but it's not a lot of food at once. And if you can't eat it all, it's ok to stop. So instead of having big meals, like we are used to, we eat smaller meals with a few snacks scattered in between. It's not easy to retrain the stomach and brain to eat this way, but we sure as hell tried our best.

Since non-creamy soups are acceptable to the plan, and we had the produce sitting around, I made butternut squash soup today. I did not add any dairy products, other than a couple tablespoons of butter to cook the onions, celery and carrots. Blending the squash was interesting. I managed to have very hot squash bits fly around the kitchen and land on my hand. OUCH! Elsa just looked at me like I was an idiot. But it's done and ready for tomorrow!

I also bought a bunch of fresh fruit and veggies. We have grapefruit, oranges, apples, pears, frozen fruit, Brussels sprouts, zucchini, cucumber, carrots, onions, yams, etc. Holy crap, I feel my junk food genes about to explode from all this healthy stuff! But it's good to be on a real plan with frequent meals. I feel tired out today but I feel good overall, except for my jaw. It's still pretty messed up and it's hard to chew certain textures of food. Maybe a liquid diet is in order, haha. Fun times! On to the next day, g'night!

Monday Mourning

Well, the title of the blog is not quite accurate because today is a holiday. So thank you to all the veterans out there and I paused today to remember those who never came home.

If you ever go to Kansas City, I recommend visiting the National World War I museum, located under the Liberty Memorial.  This memorial was erected after the community raised over $2.5 million in only ten days.  It commemorates the first World War but is often the site of remembrance for all wars.  The museum portion is one of the best museums I have visited to date. Check it out here.

For a few weeks I've been pondering over this blog. It started as a space to clean my brain of thoughts, to vent, and to find humor in difficult situations. As with everything in life, it is ever evolving. Maybe it's time this space had more organization and more of a purpose. I am the type of person who doesn't pick one thing and master it. I pick several things and do well in each, but never master any of them. I enjoy target shooting, baking/cooking, spending time with the baby, playing with my dogs, etc. Therefore I am going to have categories for each day, except Sunday. That's my day off. And if/when life gets too crazy and I can't blog, I will just skip those days. Since this IS the Blog of Arrrrghhhh, it wouldn't be the same if I cut out any and all rants! Monday is the day for that. Even housewives hate Mondays, save days like today, which are holidays.

I actually don't have much to vent today. The baby is teething and scooting/crawling everywhere so my free time is very limited now. The teething makes her cranky and the scooting ensures that anything and everything she finds is a potential hazard. I will bitch about the weather because it is like walking into a sauna out there. It doesn't matter the temperature because no matter what, if you spend even a few minutes outside, sweat starts to drip off your face. The lows at night are in the 70s too. Ick.

Health-wise, I'm ok. The docs kicked up my muscle relaxer and the side effects seem to be racing heart, concentration problems, and drowsiness. These are times when I need to evaluate the side effects versus the benefits. I am a bit concerned about my resting heart rate so I will bring that up at the next appointment. I'm having an MRI soon and that kind of blows. I hope it helps in the long run.

My view on life is just like all my stitching projects: it's a work in progress, all the time. I make mistakes, tear out the stitches and start over again. I just need to pause more often to straighten out the threads, tighten my stitches and check over my work. And to also appreciate more the work I've done so far.

This photo was posted with its story on my other blog but I will just throw one photo of it here. This says to me that life is fun and beautiful but sometimes there is shit. And that is ok.

Injection schmecktion

Aww shucks, I tried to get shots in my jaw joint today but turns out that is rather specialized and only a doctor can do it. I saw the PA today and he gave me some injections in my knees only. It hurt to have my hips done but holy crap, that's nothing compared to the knees. Thankfully they do put some freezing stuff on your skin to help soften the initial stab.

I'm very glad that I broke down and bought my folding cane. It came in handy! I didn't need it much going in but I sure as shit needed it to get back out to the car. I have to admit that it was weird walking with it. A 60 year old man had to slow down and let me by, during which I apologized. He said, "no apology necessary at all."

It generally takes a few days for the shots to really kick in so we'll see if soon I'm beating strangers with my cane instead of walking with it.

I tried to take some updated belly shots since next week I'll be 6 months along. This is the best I can do without hauling out the tripod and camera remote.

And yes, I said to hell with doing hair and makeup today so apologies for being a bit more frumpy than usual.

This belly photo really doesn't do me justice. I look much bigger in person. Last I measured a month ago, I was at least 40 inches in the waist.

Last night my hubs and I were talking and I posed the question again: what if my breast implants triggered the autoimmune disease? And by talking to him, I realized that I was fucked no matter what. By getting the mastectomy and reconstruction, I almost completely eliminated my chances of breast cancer. If I did choose the path that awakened the RA beast, the only thing I can do now is to remove the implants and wear falsies. I'm not sure if I'm ready to do that, given that there is no definitive proof that the implants are linked to the disease. Interesting to think of though.

And regarding the pregnancy, there is a theory that some women go into remission during pregnancy because the father's DNA in the baby takes over, pushing RA into remission. Since that's an unproven theory with no studies to back it up, I'm not going to think too much on it. But by that thinking, Baby EK has all my genes. Which if I allow myself to think it, poses the worry: will she have RA and endometriosis too? Am I bringing her into this world to have a load of issues? I sure hope not. I'm not going to think on that one too long since I don't need the stress. But it's entered my mind ever since finding out the sex of the baby. God, don't let her have endometriosis.

Our doggies have been really great lately. They are all lovey and snuggly and licky. Tomorrow we are taking Horace in for his xrays and I'm praying that he doesn't have some expensive, impossible condition. I hope it's just mild arthritis or something we can manage with supplements and aspirin. Please keep him in your happy, puppy thoughts tomorrow!! Since we have to have him sedated to get really thorough xrays, Ron is coming with me to help transport him. Thank goodness.

Horr-Bear

Patter-pooh

All three of my little fluffy beasts. I love them so much!

That's my week so far. Hope you all are well. Tschus.

Frakkin' Friday

Hey it's Friday and even when you are unemployed that's good news.

I'm less angsty the last couple days, thanks in part to my friends over at EFU, my embroidery gang who has turned out to be probably the most supportive group of people in my life next to my family. Also I think my body is finally stabilizing back to the regular dose of 'roids. I was sort of wondering when the 'roid rage would kick in. I theorize that 'roid rage increases with body temperature. The only cure for 'roid rage is more cowbell and more ice cream.

Yesterday I limped outside across the scalding cement to the mailbox (I always forget to put shoes on) and retrieved the mail. The utility bill was a bit shocking and I thought "oh well, pay some of it and they won't shut it off." I opened the next item and it was a nice check for a surplus in our escrow account. I had to call the hubby to have him interpret this info for me, never having owned property before and seeing English words but hearing them in Klingon in my mind. The money is enough to schedule Horace's xrays and training session.

That's right, we can afford to start his training and see wtf is going on in his leg and/or hips. Now if he needs a hip replacement, that costs $3,000 and there is little chance in Hell that we can do that. However if he has an old fracture or some general arthritis, we can deal with it. Please keep sending those positive vibes to us so we get good news next week!

So we've had a bit of a miracle. I know that deep down, no matter what shit we have going on, life somehow works itself out. Being a spiritual person, I believe in a higher power's intervention on this but you can call it whatever you want. Sometimes it just takes the individual getting tired of her situation and changing tactics. But whatever it is, I'm just thankful that we can get this damned dog worked on already.

And I'm also able to order a sewing table so we can get the rest of my crafty stuff out of the baby's room. Painting to commence in a few weeks. Then the fun stuff begins such as putting together the dresser and crib, washing and putting away all the little clothes we've thrifted and salvaged. I'm excited to get the room all done!!

The baby has another ultrasound on August 8th and after that we'll have one once a month until I hit about 30 weeks. Then we'll have one once every two weeks. I'm really glad my doctor is being so careful about all this. It makes me feel a lot better to see her on the ultrasound and hear her heart beating. The kicking has increased and Ron can finally feel it too. It's pretty incredible. Kinda feels like IBS though. My intestines can be pretty brutal.

Well I have errands to run and a house to clean. Friends are coming over tomorrow to help me learn my damned sewing machine since my attempts at making pillows from my cross stitched designs tragically failed. What a cluster fuck that was!

Here are some Friday Funnies to send you out in style. Have a good weekend, stay cool. Tschus.

SUCK IT UP BEX

Sorry for all the blog posts in one day. I am trying to avoid posting too much in one post, as it becomes so miscellaneous that the messages get mixed up.

So my brain has been constipated by stressful thoughts and now it's exploding in mental diarrhea. I suppose this is the time to check in with my therapist.

Things are good overall but I feel a bit overwhelmed. I've been experiencing a continuous RA flare for about two months. It never really goes away but I do get a few days off here and there. Since I've gone back on steroids, I've had to increase my dose twice. My rheumatologist says I cannot go above a certain level. Because of that, if I have any joint pain, I'm to come in for shots in those specific joints. So I did get shots in my hips which has helped thankfully. Unfortunately about two weeks after the shots, all my joints flared up again. I can't go in and have 8+ pairs of joints injected so I wasn't sure what to do. I had a standing appointment with my OB and asked her about it. She advised me to temporarily raise my dose of steroids. I told her that the rheum said no way on that but we agreed I would do it for a week and then I would go back down. Now my rheum wanted me to go down from the regular dose. So rheum says go down to 7.5 or 5 mg and OB wants me at 15 mg, for a week. Erm. Da fuck? Well I did the week at 15 and have now returned to 10 mg. I called the rheum's nurse to report this, just to document everything. I wasn't really looking for her sympathy or for them to do anything other than record what the fuck is going on. (My disability case was of course denied and I am appealing. EVERYTHING must be recorded for legal reasons.) She told me to "suck it up."

Haha! I do recall posting about how I felt the "suck it up" attitude emanating from the medical community. Now I have been officially told to do so.

I do understand that because I'm pregnant, there is nothing else I can take to alleviate my pain. However, no one has told me if I should try ice therapy and if so, how long and how much. Or should I try modifying my diet. Or does the ridiculous heat index have a factor in the flare up. Or is there a low cost swimming program that I can do to get exercise.

I also asked if I would be able to get a temporary handicap parking tag until I have the baby. For me to ask for this means I have taken my Pride, smothered it to death and buried it. I don't ask this lightly. I don't ask for it for free. I am asking because there are days that I struggle to walk around and run my errands. I feel that at this time, I fucking need it. I have not heard back from the nurse on this. I'll give her until tomorrow before I call back and get a little testy. (Insert BEX SMASH here.) I have also ordered myself a collapsible cane for those times when I need something to help me get around.

On Sunday we were out at the bookstore and having lunch. We were gone for maybe three hours and I wanted to cry when we got home. My knees were killing me and I told my husband if we are having more children, they need to be adopted. There is no way that I can go off my meds and go through all this again but with a small child to look after. He of course is very understanding and ok with that.

I hate admitting defeat. I hate making myself lay on the couch all day and do only the minimal of movements because leaving the house and walking around will bring on another flare. I hate losing my independence.

But know what? I'm going to SUCK IT UP. I'm no longer exercising, going out, gardening, walking my dogs, etc. Mentally I'm going crazy. But I don't see what choice I really have. I've got four months to go and then I can take all the fucking drugs I need.

On top of that, I'm worried that Horace will be unable to live with a child. He's growled at a couple people, albeit during times when his leg has been messed with or he has been in pain from whatever is going on with his leg. He is having extensive xrays on August 9th to see if he has hip issues or an ACL tear. If it's a hip problem AND he's aggressive, he will have to be put to sleep. If it's a little arthritis or a tendon issue, we can work with that. He can be rehomed if needed but not if he has human aggression. I love him. He's so happy with us. He squeaks his bunny, is playful, loves to be petted and walked. He's come so far in four months.

So is $425 for three hours of a consultation of the whole pack of dogs fair? No one will do an hour evaluation for a small fee. It's three hours or more and hundreds of dollars. Add $250 to the cost of xrays and I'm about ready to beat my head on the wall.

I think the dog is mistrustful of people in general and he's had a hard life. We are committed to getting him a trainer who is not afraid to tackle this issue head on. However the costs are insane. I know they are worth every penny but the timing sucks ass. So I'm getting quotes on prices and references on trainers to work on this. However the heat, my health and this together makes for a crabby Bex. I know that if you take things one at a time, a day at a time, they are solvable. If there is still hope for him, I will still work on it. If I have to sit my ass in the living room all day instead of working out and visiting people, I can do that temporarily. That doesn't mean I will like it though.

PS

Here is my google image search of "Suck It Up." I'm not sure what is more disturbing; this baby's horrible outfit or the phrase "can of man."

You be the judge.

Tschus.

Happy Rapture Eve!

I'm tired of hearing about the Rapture but I figure, if you can't beat 'em, might as well join 'em.

So I dusted off the ol crucifix and hung it up yesterday. Actually I hung up a lot of my prints and art so the big JC just happened to fall into that pile of to-do's. I decided to quit waiting for the walls to be painted and just hang up some stuff. The house looks lived in now. It's amazing what a difference I feel just looking around me. Why the hell didn't I do this five months ago? Sheesh.

So anyways, if I rapture tomorrow, at least I got a good day out of my walls. I'm not sure if I believe in the rapture or not. But I'm pretty sure if it is going to happen, it's just happening. There is no crazy white guy who is clued into it beforehand to put up billboards. So I'm really not going to break any plans tomorrow. :) And I don't get why people are freaked out about this rapture business anyways. I'm one of those self-centered Christians: I don't care about your soul. I think it's enough to look after my own!!

So after four days of going back and forth between two doctors, I've finally got a decent plan to help deal with things. I'm unfortunately going to be taking more 'roids for a while which sucks because they make you so damn hungry and bloated. And it's the not the healthy kind of controlled eating. It's the OOOOOH BAGELS M&MS A CUP OF PUMPKIN SEEDS PASTA MMMMMMMMM! I'm thinking of getting some frozen fruit and making some smoothies. Fruit, fiber and water. Filling and good for you. Hopefully that will help cut back on the mass quantities of carbs I seem to be fond of lately. And if my knees decide to continue being bitches, I would like to try some shots to fight the inflammation. We are all agreed that pain meds are the last option.

So this week's lesson: when the doc's don't seem to move fast enough, drop in on their office. Things move a lot quicker when you show up unannounced.

So it's Friday, some of us are disappearing tomorrow, some of us are looting and pillaging for the weekend, so here are some Friday funnies for your Rapture Eve. Tschus!

Frankie says relax

Finally got to chat with my doc about this alien parasite inside me and all looks good. I feel better now that there is a plan to monitor me. I am just about old enough to get the test for abnormalities and since it's just a finger prick, I'm going to do it. I've been through enough to know to take the extra precautions. And I'll be seeing a high risk doctor a few times to make sure the scar tissue in my uterus isn't affecting things. Also the autoimmune disease makes things a little more interesting but nothing major. Just a few more checkups are required to make sure all is well.

I'm very relieved to ask questions and hear that they are treating me as high risk. I'm going to get through this and move on with life. I'm tired of letting my body hold me prisoner in my house, keeping me from truly living my life.

Enough of that "girl power" statement.

I am now trying to get one of my brothers and my dad coordinated for a visit. I'm thinking we'll book the club tickets so we can get access to a buffet and beer (for them, not me) and air conditioning! Since summers here are either blistering hot and humid or pouring rain, I like the option of being able to sit inside comfortably and not miss the game. It's really a chance to hang with some of my family which I rarely get to do.

I'm not really a big baseball fan but the atmosphere is always fun and there is the Hall of Fame museum on site if I start feeling "museum-y." Lots to look forward to! Hooray!

Tschus!

Lesson learned

Don't post anything deeply personal on Facebook. (And let me just preface this by saying yes, I understand the irony of revealing my inner demons on this blog. But I'm counting on the fact that not too many of you read this. Haha.)

Yesterday I posted, and later deleted, a comment about how I have started applying for disability benefits. Wow, talk about begging to be judged! Silly me, I thought people had been paying attention to the last 4 years worth of posts about endometriosis, autoimmune disease, chronic pain, surgeries, pain pills, physical therapy, etc. I believe that people in general use Facebook to gravitate towards the drama. It's like they zero in on the posts that will make them GASP! and make snap judgments about others. At the very least, that is the only content that they choose to remember.

I had some people post their questions and opinions about the process. In response to a question, I had posted that education is taken into consideration because the more you have, the government feels that you are more likely to be retrained for a different occupation. Therefore my master's degree level of learning could make it harder for me to be approved for benefits. Then again, my health history may eventually win out on that tid bit of information, but this thread was merely conversational and informational.

A well intentioned commenter then posted, asking hadn't I considered or researched ways to be retrained? Surely I would rather be able to do SOMETHING? It would make me feel so much better if I did something.

No. No I just decided one day that I hated my profession (I profession I dedicated myself to since my first museum job at 17) and rather then switch careers, I'd rather just pretend to be sick all the time, waste thousands of dollars on doctors (who I have all fooled with my blood tests, symptoms and x-rays) and then sit on my ass all day feeling sorry for myself while collecting a check from the government. That is SO much easier then changing jobs. And it is so easy to apply for benefits. Why, you just fill out a quick form and BAM! Instant money! Yeah, that's how it works. You don't have to subject every facet of your life to government scrutiny, going through several denials only to get a trial about two years from your filing date.

Sorry for the anger and sarcasm. I have been trying to figure out how to feel better since at least 2006. I mean, aggressively so. I have been going to doctors constantly, I have received diagnoses, and I am trying to find combinations of treatment to help myself. I spent two years at my last job working a modified schedule, removing myself from the really intense physical labor that we sometimes experienced when putting up and taking down exhibits and moving collections. And guess what? Sitting at a desk was painful for me too. I had intense pain in my muscles, from my neck to my rear end. I tried to make my work station more ergonomic, to lessen stress on myself. Nothing worked. I got up and moved every so often, which helped but it didn't stop the fact that I had about two days of 8 hour work and by the third day I could not get out of bed.

Here is another way to look at: I have multiple, chronic conditions. It's akin to a forest fire. A small fire starts, it gathers force and you have to fight it. You put all your resources into smothering the fire and trying to prevent it from coming back. By the time it's under control, you realize that two more small flames have started in other parts of your forest. But one of them is near a housing development so you race over to that one and work on putting that flame out first. Halfway through this new battle, you look over at the concurrent cluster-fuck of fire on the other side of the forest and realize that one is way out of control now so you give up on the yuppie housing complex and let it just go to shit. Now you've run over to the other fire and work to put that out, looking up occasionally to see the other two fires now raging out of control. And this is how life is. Constantly trying to put down a flare only to find that another one, or two, has erupted.

So tell me, what the fuck should I retrain to do? Don't answer that. Because chances are, I've thought of it. I've tried it. I've researched into it. I hope that one day, I can experience less pain, a lot more energy and I dunno, go back to work at least part time. Or feel confident that I am healthy enough to start a family and be able to give time, love and energy to a child. Wouldn't that be swell? As opposed to getting "free" money from the government, at 1/3 of my former salary, because that is such a better alternative.

However, since the disability process can take two years, because they will undoubtedly deny me at the first two levels of application and because I can't work a regular schedule, I need to start this application now. I need to at least try to find a way to bring in extra money to help us afford all my medications and medical appointments. I need to plan for the worst case scenario, which is that I won't return to work.

So my life lesson this week is to not put anything as serious and personal as this on FB. Unless I want ignorant comments and then be put in the position to tell someone to fuck off or to sit there and defend myself. I'll save this journey for my blog, where I can type out everything I'm experiencing and feeling. Because of the blog, art and my photos, I've been able to help others who also are struggling. That in itself is worth continuing my ranting/blathering/babbling.

My suggestion to all those who find themselves wanting to make a judgmental or ignorant comment to someone going through something you know nothing about: get educated. If you want to support your friend, then find out what he or she is going through. You are already on the internet, fingers posed on the "comment" field. So why not take a minute to google your friend's condition? Then after you read a few pages on what it's all about, then go ahead and see if your comment still applies. I will help you in regard to my own issues. Here is a pretty interesting and not too technical study about the link between endometriosis and autoimmune disease, as well as fibromyalgia, allergies and chronic fatigue (all things I experience).

If you've read this far, thank you. I feel better having vented that steam. Tschus.

Invisible illnesses vs crazy

Well on top of the animal health and behavior issues, I have my own stuff going on. The Cold Virus From Hell is still taking its toll on me, making my sinuses feel like some mafia fuck filled them with cement before dumping me into a river. I managed to finally give it to Mr. Bex who is now unhappily resting in bed. How he managed to fight it off for over a week is amazing. I was probably passed it when I was hanging out in the pain clinic on a Tuesday and by Friday I was full blown sick.

I did manage to get scheduled for a sleep study which will occur soon. I'll get to hang out in my pajamas for about 20 hours. Electrodes + strangers + pajamas = uncomfortable weekend. I'm really interested in what my brain waves will show while I'm trying to sleep and nap. However there is that part of me that is afraid that once again, the tests will show nothing, or maybe just show a slight problem. Nothing definitive. So I'll be back in that grey area between figuring out what is causing my debilitating fatigue and bat-shit crazy.

I am not sure how many times I have wondered if this is all in my head and if I'm just a fucking hypochondriac. I am sure my family and acquaintances have thought as much. I attended my first board meeting for a local heritage group this week. This is the first time I've seen some of my professional contacts since I quit working. It was awkward to try to explain why I wasn't working as an archivist anymore. Of course I heard, "but you look so healthy!" I know I do. I know I look fine. I am glad that I look better than I feel because who wants to look like shit all the time? But on the flip side, I wish people could see the mental and physical pain I feel just once in a while. Not so they feel sorry for me but so they understand a little more. I don't want pity. Just try to know where I'm coming from and understand why I am not where you think I should be in life.

I also heard from my RA doctor who said in no way was the new medication causing me weight gain. But I was free to go off of it and see what happened. Well after having noticeable swelling in my legs for a day or so, I dropped about 4 lbs of water weight in the past week. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. I keep meaning to call back and see if they can try me out on the sulphur drugs but my short term memory is shot. I keep forgetting. Something else odd has happened since I started and then quit the drug. My period was extremely light. I still had pain but nothing like before and no clotting. Wtf. Was it from the drug? Should I stay on it? Lighter periods but gaining a significant amount of water weight in a short period of time. Hmmm. Thank you universe for fucking with me further. I guess I'll see what happens next month. Maybe I'll be back to the same old, same old.

So right now I'm about to hit the hay. I have pain radiating from my ankles down into my toes. Earlier today I had abdominal pain, near my bladder, that had me walking hunched over as if someone was constantly punching me in the gut. I can hardly catch my breath from the congestion and our take-out supper caused me a time-out on the john with horrible intestinal cramps. I did manage a half-ass nap but it was strange. It felt like a huge weight was pushing me into the mattress because I was so exhausted yet I was on the brink of wakefulness the whole time. When I don't type this stuff out, it just seems like another normal day has passed. This is about how it is every day. Wow.

Yikes. Hopefully this next week will see an end to the Cold Virus From Hell so that at least I can get back to my daily walks. I'm also doing a little soul searching and am wondering if I shouldn't remove myself from another situation that is no longer satisfying and/or a positive.

Stay well everyone...tschus.

Update: the animals

The last week has been non-stop stitching and cleaning (more so stitching.) I was so happy to get all levels of the house vacuumed and half the house dusted. I also got the back yard scooped, which was a huge relief. Dogs are, if nothing else, very regular creatures.

On Friday morning I drove Samus the rat to the vet. Overnight she developed a huge lump in her belly area. The vet said it's probably a benign tumor and it needs to come out. These things can grow to be half the size of the animal and it could kill her by its sheer size. Poor Sammie. I took Ashley, her sister, with for the ride. While the vet examined Samus, Ashley tried to climb onto the vet to see what was happening. I know people think rodents are disgusting but rats are very social, inquisitive and pack animals. They cuddle together, groom each other and try to kick a vet's ass during an exam. So, in trying to work out how to budget this, I scheduled her surgery for two weeks. Hopefully we'll be able to squeeze that in among licensing the vehicles and paying taxes.

Fuck.

Also on Friday we picked up our former foster dog. Horr'y is back! So far he's hiding out in the kennel most of the time. There have been some warning growls and a general attitude of distrust but nothing major. I don't know what kind of "training" program he was supposed to be enrolled in but it didn't work. He won't come when called and doesn't seem as socialized as he was before. So we have some work to do. The other dogs are curious about him but not terribly so. Tobin likes to follow him around the yard, peeing on anything Horr'y even looks at.

I'll do some health updates in the next post. Tschus.

WTF@#!

Ok my weight: 170lbs.  I have given in and now I will track every single morsel that is vacuumed into my body.  My pants are tight and my personality is bitchy and depressed.  I haven't been eating well, let's be honest.  My idea of a portion size is filling up half my plate.  To my credit, I have been active at least 5 days a week, even increasing the size of the weights I use during my circuit training.

It doesn't help that I started a medication in the last month that can make people gain weight quickly.  Of course, I hadn't bothered to look that up in the beginning, nor did I make the connection to the weight gain during weeks when I ate well.  I'll let my rheumatologist know, but if this drug helps (I'll know in another two months) I fee like a superficial person giving up a medicine that can help me just because it makes me gain weight.  But then again, maybe a 6 lb gain in one month is bad and she will take me off it.

I'm also not happy that I have been unable to manage my sinus issues.  I'm going to finally have the sinus surgery.  I can't breathe anymore, the nasal sprays are very irritating to my head and they cost a pretty penny.  Of course I have no idea how we are going to pay for another fucking surgery.  We're still paying on the last one.  My employer really fucked us over by switching insurance and HR companies in the middle of the year and I was unable to use my FSA that I had saved for it.  Now we don't have an FSA at all, which really stinks.

I just want us to be able to get ahead which feels impossible when I keep accumulating medical bills.  I'm lucky that I'm married to someone who is supportive and not resentful.  But I feel terrible about it and it just helps to push the depression even deeper.

Sorry to be a never-ending source of MEH but I just need to put this down and then move on.  I'm just going to voice my fears, anger and emo so I can move onto finding solutions to my problems.  And I know we'll figure it out and things will be fine.  But can I just say that this FUCKING SUCKS???  Whew.  Ok, carry on.

Tschus.

A conglomeration of shit

Don't let the word "shit" fool you.  It doesn't automatically equate negativity.  It's become a widely used word in my vocabulary, easily interchanged with "stuff," "things," etc.  Some say that people use curse words because they have nothing creative or original to say.  It's quite fucking possible.

So what has happened as of late?  I haven't taken many pictures to illustrate this post so I'll just sum things up.We scheduled the move, ended up throwing up on the move date and rescheduled for a Tuesday.  We had a house guest on Thursday and we managed to mildly entertain him amidst a sea of boxes and chaos.  Then a few days later I officially ended my job.  Aaaaand today another pet died.

Job wise: Having chronic health issues makes everything hard.  It's hard to be spontaneous, it's hard to make plans, hard to get to work, hard to get shit done around the house, maintain relationships, take a dump, etc.  The more stressful a situation is, the more the chronic pain and fatigue flare up.  Work became intolerably stressful.  Oh sure there were periods of calm, fun, productivity and fulfillment.  But the stress became too much, we've never had a raise so motivation was nil and I am not sure anymore what the mission is of my former employer or who exactly I was working for.  It's confusing even when you know the details, trust me.  And they aren't worth going into.  All I know is that when I started, the place felt like home.  Everyone was family and no matter what happened, I was just pleased as punch to be among so many wonderful people.  Fifty plus layoffs later and a more corporate attitude, it felt more like we were all heart attacks waiting to happen and the family feeling was gone for the most part.  It became very sad, strained and unsure.  The miscarriage was the last straw even though I'm not sure what caused things to go wrong right from the beginning.

I hope to hell that things get better there for all the great people who still are there.

So am I an archivist anymore?  I don't think you could rid me of my professional nature.  So for now I'll just work on feeling better.  Taking care of the new house, keeping the dogs happy, getting some exercise, finding new therapies.  I am hoping to get elected to a board for a local heritage group next year and I"ll keep my professional, local archivist membership.  I'm not too worried but then again, I can't afford to worry about shit I can't control.I feel slightly worried about my career but the overwhelming sense of peace overshadows the worry.  By staying home and taking care of things, I am not letting anyone down.  There is no FMLA laws to keep in mind.  No coworkers to let down.

House: The new house is great!  I've unpacked here and there and next week I'll start priming the guest bathroom.  I'm sure within ten minutes, I'll hate painting.  But this is the first time I've had the chance to paint my walls.  Wow....no white or beige unless I put it there.  I have a feeling that the large, red wall will have to go.  It's bold and kind of pretty but it's a bit much.  And what goes with red on the corresponding walls?  Not much but beige.  More beige.  Or white.  Meh.



As soon as it quits raining, I'll be able to get out with my camera for some walks. The little bi-planes taking off and landing are neat to watch. And there is plenty of uhhhh prairie grass to look at. :-)

Gardner, KS in the 2000 census was just under 10,000 people. I have never lived in a town this small before. And that's saying something since I'm from North Dakota. The city was founded where the Santa Fe and California Trails split. According to the highly unreliable Wikipedia article, Gardner was the first community founded in Johnson County and the first one in KS invaded by Confederates/slave holders/redneck crazy Nazis during the Border Wars. So far Gardner does not have a Pit Bull ban which is one of the reasons we chose to live here. Hopefully they maintain this "don't tread on me" sort of philosophy, which is unlike most of Johnson County. And our neighbors already left cookies on our doorstep. Very nice. I'll have to bring them a big bottle of vodka to return the neighborly feelings.

Pets: Ratchet's brother passed today. He was having all kinds of issues which I had treated. They were in remission but then he started to scratch a lot, especially his face. Today I found him with his eye scratched out, hanging from its socket. It was a bit horrifying. I called Ron and he took us to the vet, where Clank was euthanised. He was a rat that I saved from being snake food. A brother from another litter to Ratchet. We mostly called him Crank because he was not exactly happy about being handled. He liked to be petted but not picked up. When Ratchet was really sick, Clank would lay on him, groom him more than usual and keep him warm. I'm so glad we were able to give him a good home for the last almost 2 years.



So a conglomeration of shit, to be sure. Thankfully in some ways, I came down with a sinus infection and strep throat. Due to all the antibiotics and the house move and miscarriage, we took a break from trying to have a kid. A month of not worrying when I'm ovulating, taking hormones, worrying that my medications would screw things up, blah blah blah. Just taking a break and trying to live in the "now."

Tschus.