It's been two days since she last went. Oh sure, I know some babies don't go everyday. But when your baby is grunting, fussing, straining, and crying AND has a rock hard tummy, you know what the deal is. She needs a mega dump like no one has every imagined.
I blame myself. I have suffered from IBS since....well, if you ask my sister, I've been like this since I was a wee one myself. Apparently my mother would spend over an hour in the bathroom with me. Just me, mom and a big 'ol jar of suppositories. Such memories we all have.
I'm about to get some suppositories as well. We just tried another remedy though, and if this doesn't work, then I'll try the above. I feel terrible that she has to go through this. This poor little baby doesn't understand it and can't control it. I hate to see her going through discomfort like this.
So after the colic, the constipation and the painful pregnancy, I'm 99.9% sure I don't want more kids. This isn't Elsa's fault. I think with all that is going on, it isn't fair to this kid to spread ourselves thinner with more kids. This way we can give her more: more money, more time and more attention, if we only have one child. My body isn't cut out for this.
I am so blessed and amazed that we were able to do this with one kid at all. Elsa continues to amaze and thrill me every day. She's so strong. I love when she coos and makes silly faces. The way she sighs as she sleeps. And those big smiles she gives me! So adorable! But the poor creature just can't take a shit to save her life.
So after going back on my drugs, my RA is slowing down a bit. But putting two immunosuppressants in my body and sitting in a couple doctors' waiting rooms, I contracted a nasty virus. Thankfully I saw someone who prescribed some antibiotics for me today. I went five weeks back on my old drugs and already am sick. I'm trying not to be too discouraged by this. Goddammit I want to be healthy and strong. Instead I'm doped up on pain killers, muscle relaxers and now cold meds. Fuck my body.
But we had a nice Christmas despite the phlegm and colic. It was low-key, just how we like it! I hope everyone else had a good holiday season and are ready to tackle the new year. My new year goals are to get my ass to the gym and work out so I can achieve better health and sociability, find a mom's group (the local one hasn't returned my emails-what fuckers), and maintain a balanced schedule in the home. What are your new year's hopes/dreams/resolutions?
Here we are, some photos from the past week. Happy f'in Thursday! Tschus.
Hooray! EK is one month old today! So far we've witnessed yucky poops, little smiles, contented and sleepy sighs, and silly expressions. She's grown a bit and is now 8 1/2 pounds. Our little pumpkin butt is healthy and doing well.
We've also learned what the hell colic is. That part is not as fun though. Her shrieking and contorting at night is probably due to this and we were given a sample of some expensive formula. Hopefully in a couple of days we'll see improvement. Poor little baby. It sounds like it hurts! And poor us!
At her one month check up today, they gave me some handouts that were supposed to be given to us at the first week visit. Holy crap, really? This handout was packed full of information on bathing, when to use lotions, how often to bathe, what kinds of crying behavior to expect from a newborn, how to prevent some kinds of fussiness, etc. DAMMIT! Haha, I can only laugh at it now but we looked at that, over the haze of sleeplessness and frustration and thought, "wow this sure would have come in handy before today!" Oh well. I just haven't read all the books because a) who has time to read this stuff, and b) so much of it conflicts with each other. And when you Google some of these things, you don't always get the best, most basic information. Mostly you get all these hyper judgmental moms on message boards whose opinions are pretty strong. For instance, the info from our pediatrician said that when the baby is crying and you've gone through everything to comfort her, it's ok to put her down in her crib with some soothing music and give her 15-20 minutes to calm down. If she doesn't, you can pick her back up and try again. I've read full blown arguments on the boards about how bad this is for your baby and how traumatizing it is for her. Sorry to ramble on, but I think you get the idea. From now on I'll just call the nurse and get their take on things.
But as tired as we are, we are having our wonderful, amazing neighbor watch EK tomorrow while we go grab some sushi for my birthday. I've warned her that the baby is colicky but she wants to watch her so badly, she doesn't care! We're so damn lucky.
Here is EK and I today after she had some chow. Wish us luck tonight so maybe we get a couple Zzzzzz's.
We had two fabulous nights of sleeping and only waking to eat and be changed. Then last night it was back to feral, zombie baby all over again. I slept from 9-11 and then another two hours sometime after 4AM. I can't remember when. Ron stayed home to work and took the baby in the morning while I napped. We are thinking that the gas in her body is making this worse but we could be completely wrong. It's happened before.
So today's twist was an early morning thunderstorm followed by torrential, non-stop rain. Horace finds this very unpleasant. In fact, he was in his usual thunderstorm panic mode this morning, trying to crawl on top of the couch, panting, shaking, and drooling. I gave him some of his medicine which helped but all day he's been a bit freaked out. In fact, none of the dogs have peed since about 7AM today, and it's almost 8PM. Yikes.
Due to the popularity (?) of the previous video blog, here is one today. Sorry, no baby included today. We had a brief moment of productivity while she was napping and this is what happened. Have a lovely, dreary day everyone. Tschus.
Thank you all for the overwhelming show of support! I've can't say how much your emails and messages have meant to me. I love you guys.
I'm doing better today. We did manage a little sleep last night and there was less fussiness overall. I also found a potential moms group that is local and picked out a church to try. The church is much different than what I've visited in the past. Maybe that's a good thing since Lutheran services tend to be a bit depressing, in my experience. Hopefully between the two organizations, I can meet some people and establish a support network.
I'm normally way too sensitive and in times like this, when things are more out of control than usual and I'm feeling really low, I care far too much about what people think of me. I know I shouldn't, and I'm working on that. I was worried that if people knew how shitty I felt and how poor I was coping, they would make judgments about me. God forbid, someone knows my life is not perfect, right?
Taking some time to focus on establishing local networks of people is just what I need to do now. We're also working on setting realistic expectations. I hope to find someone to help clean the house a couple times a month. And hopefully we can get a gym membership too. All this shit takes money, which I am not happy about paying for, but one can't really put a price on sanity and health.
So I'll look at how life is next week and probably reactivate at that time if I feel better. Maybe I can be back online in time for my birthday.
Here is a video of EK and I today, just to say hello and let you all know that we are doing well. I was letting her have some time on the floor with some toys. By the time it occurred to me to take a video, she was starting to get a little cranky and tired. Not a helluva lot going on here but here we are, all the same. Thanks again for your love, patience and amazing support. I know times will get tough again, as it does with the ebbs and flows of life. But taking a step back to reevaluate things seems to help.
I deactivated my Facebook account for a while. Why? Well, like the relationship status: it's complicated. In a nutshell, I didn't want to continually go on there, posting my lamentations of my baby blues and sleepless nights. I feel like I should be posting sickeningly sweet updates about how happy I am and how amazing my baby is. Don't get me wrong: she is perfect, precious and a gift from God. I can't imagine life without her. I don't want a life without her. But I feel like I'm dog paddling in circles in sub-zero waters, barely keeping my head above water and my limbs are going numb.
The automatic judging one feels when pregnant is nothing compared to what she feels when the baby is now born. Sometimes the flood of advice is really overwhelming because so much of it contradicts each other. When a new mother's brain is scattered, to say the least, from lack of sleep, the outpouring of conflicting advice is like trying to take a college final after a 48 hour bender with no sleep. But worse. Because I've done the finals hungover and they were nothing compared to this.
After another night of EK screeching, thrashing and refusing to be comforted, I sat up and just cried. My husband said, "Well this is just how it is for now and it's going to suck for a couple months. Everyone tells me that is how things will be." My reply, "No one told me it would be this bad. Everyone told me how blissful I would feel, how in love I would be and how I should enjoy this time. But you know what? I don't feel joyful or blissful. This sucks and I feel horrible for not finding it a happy time. I don't know what she wants half the time, I feel like I can never put her down, I love her and feel a rush of emotion every time I look at her but I hate this." We determined that even experienced mothers have told my husband how bad this time can be but no one tells that to me, the mother. Were they trying to spare me the reality? Or do some mothers just blank this period out to the point where all they recall is the lovey dovey moments? I have no idea. But I just feel like we set women up to fail over and over again by making them think it's not ok to admit to the world that at times, yes, this experience sucks ass.
Recently a local, popular meteorologist, committed suicide. I have watched this morning show since I moved here and it was the most popular morning news show in the area. This man was always so happy, cracking wise. His death was shocking and combined with some postpartum depression, really set me off in a funk. At first it was just sadness and shock and then anger. I'm angry because he gave up. Some of us are still putting up the good fight, determined not to give in to depression and let it bowl us over, fuck up our families. But he gave in and took his life. And if someone so successful and who seemed to have it all could throw in the towel, what's that say for the rest of us?
So I realized that, like this man, I also use humor to hide what's really going on. I make fun of myself to try and find the bright side of life, to make light of heavy situations and to make others laugh. Maybe that's why he seemed so happy. He was also trying to deflect attention off his dark side through humor. And so instead of coming out to people and saying, "jeezus this infant stage really sucks. I'm not having an easy time of it and I am struggling," I just withdraw from people rather than have it pointed out to me that I'm not acting the way society tells me I should be.
Before you call CPS on me, just know that I am seeing a counselor, I have alerted my doctors that I'm not all roses and rainbows right now and we are on top of this. I have no thoughts of harming myself or others. I deeply love and adore my baby. I'm so grateful that she's healthy and in our lives. I just don't do well without continuous, night time sleep. I feared this would happen and that it would be this hard. And yes, maybe I should never had a child if my health was so fucked up. But regardless of the shoulds and woulds, she is here. This is my reality and now that I have experienced it, I can honestly say my support system is not working. It's lacking.
What I don't need to hear right now is that this is a GOOD kind of tired because it's the blissful baby causing my lack of sleep. Lack of sleep is lack of sleep. In fact, it's worse when the lack of sleep coincides with a baby who is crying and fussing for six solid hours. What I will take from this is that all new parents should be told that yes, you will love your baby unconditionally. But there may be times you don't really like your baby. And those times are just when she is screaming in your face, inconsolable. But when she's calm again, you realize that you still love her and will do anything to protect and care for her. And this is normal and ok to experience.
So my next steps are to find a moms group or a church community that has support systems in place for new mothers. I knew most of my acquaintances wouldn't be able or willing to help me during the day so this is not a new revelation. I did try the "sleep when she sleeps" thing but that is very hard when you have a sleep disorder on top of chronic health conditions. Today, for instance, I had to be out the door by 7:45AM to drive the 20 miles to the pain clinic. I'll have to do that every month to renew my medications. I have to check in at least every two months with my rheumatologist to make sure my blood counts are ok so I can continue my RA meds. I'm still trying to get set up with a new mail order pharmacy that my insurance requires me to use because, for whatever reason, they just don't want me to go down to the local Walgreens to fill my RA drug. It has to be mailed from a specialty pharmacy. And I'm due for a shot next week so I am using my daylight hours to hound the necessary schmucks into getting that done for me on time. Then there is the debacle of the drug test company that my pain clinic requires its patients to use sporadically. The test costs $500 and for some reason they were given the wrong insurance information for me. So there was an hour on the phone trying to straighten that out. I've also got to carve out time to drive 35 miles to see my neurologist and then there is the visits to the counselor to help keep my head above the raging waters. Add that to the upcoming one month check up for EK and my postpartum check up to my OB. That's JUST my medical shit. That's not to mention trying to make time for visitors and to do the very basic household chores such as keeping up on dishes, sterilizing bottles, scooping dog poop, paying bills and scheduling the furnace guy to come in and fix the humidifier. So really, even if I could nap, when is there time? I know millions of women before me have worked out a balance and I need to find mine too. I just haven't yet.
So why deactivate FB? Because I wear my heart on my sleeve and eventually, no matter how I try not to, I will end up posting something like this blog all over there and come off as a big whiner and an ungrateful jerk. And I can't rely on people on social media to help me out because they can't. I need people in person who can listen to me, give me a hug, spend time with me and maybe come over and sit while I try to sleep or get some time to myself. (Although I will terribly miss my interactions with my stitching group, the EFU. You guys know who you are. I love you guys and I regret that this means time away from you all.) And quite honestly, I'm really saddened and disappointed that people have substituted fucking Facebook for real interactions with their friends. I have a few wonderful and amazing people that know better and we call each other, email and keep in touch. And then there are people I have known in person for a long time that I have yet to hear from. Oh sure, they have made a few "likes" on my page and some comments here and there. But no calls. No visits. I think that's so sad.
So I'm taking a break until I can get myself mentally in a better place. Then I'll go back to not giving a flying fuck what happens on Facebook. Once I have some people in real life that I can turn to, things will get easier. And time will help EK learn the ropes on when to sleep and when to be awake.
So there is the long, drawn out reason why my account is gone. I'll be back eventually. Could be a few days, could be a couple months. Until then, I'm sure I'll continue to blog and Twitter because Tweeting is so less complicated and dramatic.
Lately, whenever I do something completely stupid, I think to myself, "this needs to go in the blog." So I think I've accumulated enough dumb shit lately to justify a post.
Let me just say that as of late, EK wants to only sleep from about 2AM to 5AM, and then she will sleep most of the morning. The rest of the day is a haze of thrashing, fussing and fidgeting until about 5PM when she passes out again until around 9 or 10 PM. With every night, my percentages go up. For example, the other day I told my husband I was 80% sure I didn't want more kids. Today I'm up to 95%. When we hit 100%, he goes in for THE BIG SNIP.
I've decided that my cute little cuddle bug is indeed a zombie baby. Sure, she is not tearing away at our flesh, rooting for brains. But she is slowly growing and thriving on a supply of Mom and Dad's energy and brain cells. Some how, with each sweet cuddle, she absorbs our energy matter through some weird, baby osmosis thing. I have never seen my husband so befuddled, so exhausted and so confused. But now I know, this is how children grow so fast! And how parents become beaten down so quickly.
So here are some things I have done lately that deserves a big 'ol HURP A DERP.
*Ordered food at the drive through and then drove right past the pick-up window.
*Paid for my purchases at Walgreens and walked away without my items.
*Dumped powder formula into a bottle without putting the liner in first. Powder all over the counter.
*Forgot what street a store was on and then lamented not having a GPS with me all the while my new Garmin was in the car as well as my smart phone, which has GPS navigation.
*Mailed Christmas cards without stamps.
*Forgot to schedule the sprinkler guy to winterize our line. He is coming next week and I'll be paying extra for having him come out in the cold weather.
On top of this, we also have: forgetting to pay bills, unsure if I took medication or not for the day, falling asleep while feeding the baby in the middle of the night, forgetting to feed the pets, unsure what day of the week it is, etc. I'm hoping in a few weeks, we will have established a workable schedule. I swear, just when we think we have something figured out, EK throws us for another loop. I'm sure all parents go through this, so I can't complain. But this is definitely new to us!
Lack of sleep definitely makes a person cranky too. Last night I had my signal on for a parking space outside the pizza place. Some asshole sped up and took it. This was the first time I was out with EK on my own. We were minutes away from her next feeding, it was drizzling outside and I was starving. And some guy took my spot. Since I had misplaced my handicapped parking tag, I had to park in the back of the lot. I came flying out of my car with EK in her car seat and that guy was smart enough to hide in his car until I passed him by. Woe be unto him if he had confronted me. Raaarrrr BEX SMASH.
But all in all, we are all healthy. I sing dumb songs to EK, rock her, talk to her, sit with her on the couch, staring stupidly at the tv, not absorbing anything I see...oh yeah, happy thoughts! We love our little girl and are enjoying her happy awake moments when she takes in the world around her. Here we are, resting on the couch this morning.
Now we both are seeing pink elephants.
That's about it for today. I don't think I can remember anything else that I had wanted to post. And I just realized that I forgot to eat breakfast. I guess that means a big lunch? So tired. Have a good day everyone, tschus!
It's only been a couple of weeks but I already feel overwhelmed. I was only alone half the day today and I found myself unable to juggle the bottle, the dogs, cleaning nipples, answering the phone, emptying the dishwasher and trying to comfort a newborn who would not settle down for anything. She fussed, she flailed, she wanted to eat every two hours, even though we had worked up to every four hours. Today was just not her day, even though she slept well last night. And I even had a break over the last two nights! My wonderful mother-in-law kept her in her room for the last couple of nights to give us some rest.
I'm not sure what I will do when she leaves and I'm taking night shifts and doing the day stuff. I already feel like I'm failing, barely treading water. I hope this gets better.
Granted not every day will an embroidered pillow case get looped around the button on my back pocket. Of course the phone rings while I'm turning circles around myself, trying to get a pillow unstuck from my ass, with a baby in one hand, my chin on the bottle while she feeds and then the fuckin' phone rings. Then again, maybe it WILL be that crazy every day.
Sometimes I think maybe I don't have the touch. Maybe I don't talk to her enough or the house is too loud, or maybe too quiet. Too cold? Am I not holding her right? Is she feeding laying too flat, too upright? Have I coaxed enough burps out of her? She farted, does that mean she's going to poop? I can't leave her sleeping in a poopy diaper can I?
*sigh*
I hope it gets better. Soon. Or maybe Santa will bring me a saner, better balanced brain.
Today my baby Elsa is two weeks old, and I think I have aged about 2 years. :) The following is her birth story, my grey hairs and a bit about how we all are doing.
We went into the hospital Sunday night to start Cervidel but were sent home as I seemed to be doing well enough on my own. We happily drove the 20 miles back home and woke at 2AM to return to the hospital. At 4AM they wheeled me up to my room and started poking and prodding me. I had my first panic attack with the IV (standard behavior on my part) and had to get a puke trough. Ron kindly smuggled me some water to wash the acid vurp back down my throat. Soon after, they started the Pitocin.
Here I am being interviewed by Ron that morning:
Ron never did a follow-up because after this video, things got more intense. Talking wasn't something I did readily.
About 10:00 AM my doctor came in, checked me and broke my water. That doesn't feel good, I'll just be honest. Not the worst thing I've done but it really didn't feel great. And the amount of fluid coming out felt like gallons. Ron took a look and said "yuck."
Around this time, Ron flipped through the channels and what did he see?? Army of Darkness! We took it as a sign from God...and Bruce Campbell.
Paralyzed, from my hospital bed, I was crowing about how Bruce Campbell retweeted me. It took me at least 10 minutes to type my Tweet, in between contractions. That's how hardcore, I mean nerdy, I am.
After my water broke I was told to go through at least a half an hour of regular, consistent contractions before I could have an epidural. I thought that was the longest half an hour of my life, at the time. It feels like knives going through your lower abdomen, quite frankly. And then the very crabby epidural person came in and lectured me on having a lower back tattoo. I guess there is a risk of your ink being pushed into your spine and causing an infection. I really didn't have the presence of mind to tell her that she had no right to be so pissy when I was the one being ripped apart from the inside by my zombie baby. It was no picnic trying to sit up and sit still for her to put a needle into my spine but whatever. After a couple tries it was in and I thought the worst had passed.
Before bad contractions:
I kept waiting for this magical epidural to kick in and take away all my earthly pain. Tick, tick, tick...the clock kept moving, the contractions kept kicking my ass and the epidural continued to mock me. Oh sure, my feet and legs were mighty numb! If my chief complaint that day had been arthritis of the knees and ankles, boy I would have been happy. So now I can't move around and I feel like Freddy Krueger is making minced meat out of my innards. The bitchy epidural lady ran in a few times, injected more solution into my pipes but nothing changed other than my legs became heavier and heavier. (Luckily we discovered that her husband is also a Bruce Campbell fan. Finally, some common ground!)
Shortly after, I experienced a really strong contraction and it felt like the baby punched me very hard in my upper belly. I didn't know it at the time, but Ron and his mom saw the baby's heart beat drop rapidly. The nurse came in and then the doctor. The Pitocin was stopped, I was thrown on my right side and had an oxygen mask slapped on. I was told my placenta may be rupturing and if baby's heart rate dipped again, we'd be in for a c-section. At this point I started to tear up because I really didn't want that. I was afraid that if I had this surgery, it would take me a long time to recover and I didn't want to be bed ridden. So I had an hour to recover and then try again.
Soon after the possible rupturing:
With the Pitocin shut off, the contractions were very bearable. I thought, perhaps, the epidural had finally kicked in. Hooray!
Then they turned the Pitocin back on. Wah waaaaaaaaaah. No dice: the pain came back with a vengeance. I believe this was now around 11:30 AM.
Thankfully, her heartbeat did not go down again. They inserted an internal monitor which fell out during another bad contraction and another "punch" to the gut. At around 1:00 PM I called back in the nurse and told her that I felt EVERYTHING and I could no longer take the pain. Please please please give me SOMETHING to help with the pain. She examined me and announced I was 10 cm and we could start to push. They called my doc and put me on my back. It was finally time!!
I'll save you the gory details and the video where she actually was born. However it took about 35 minutes and Elsa was here! I was unable to hold her for about half an hour because the cord was wrapped around her little neck, possibly causing her heart beat to drop earlier in the day. And I was a little torn up inside, requiring some stitches to stop all the blood loss. So here she is while I was being worked on:
Ron and I bawled when she was born and we were so happy to see her.
Elsa Kimberleigh, 6 lbs, 7 oz and 19 inches long. Born November 21st.
We are all doing great, we are all tired as hell and happy too! Everything is still new and different for us and I thank you all in your patience while we adjust. Once we start sleeping more regularly, I imagine I will be more in touch with people again.
I finally have my post-natal support team assembled! I've visited with my rheumatologist, my counselor and now my pain doctor, as well as my OBGYN of course. All my conditions have been addressed and I'm ready to tackle them once EK gets here.
The last to get on team Bex was my pain doctor. Since I haven't been there in a while, they made me take a drug test. I'm 9+ months pregnant and taking a drug test. It was a little weird but I understand where they are coming from. And since I disclosed everything I do take, nothing illegal or of a narcotic nature, I had nothing to hide. Still, I had an initial reaction of "Really?"
I'm not sure how so many people are abusing prescription pain killers. They don't make it easy to get a hold of them. And in my state, the pharmacies are able to track controlled prescriptions so you can't fill in one place, get another 'script and fill again somewhere else. Yet I still read articles about how people are OD'ing on prescription drugs and how states want to further regulate their use. And from what I have read on this issue, it's not the pain patients who are abusing the drugs. It's people who steal/buy/obtain pain medication without medical need for it. So to combat the addicts who don't need these drugs, we punish the people who do. Isn't that great? I say we legalize marijuana, even though apparently that is the first most abused drug in our nation. At some point, people need to learn to be responsible. If you are going to abuse drugs, you run the risk of killing yourself. I hate to be so cold-hearted, but when someone's addiction directly affects your life, you tend to get bitter and resentful.
Well now, I didn't mean to hop up on a soapbox. I'll go through the hoops because I am not abusing the system. It sucks and it means a lot more driving around, but I will do whatever I have to in order to keep active.
I'm so relieved and thankful to have everything I need all set up and ready to go. Some family members on both sides are facing health issues right now and we are worried for them. But we are thinking positive for everyone and praying for good outcomes. Nothing like a little stress right at the end, eh? :)
*It feels like someone is repeatedly kicking me in the genitals and, when the flesh is good and raw, pouring hot sauce all over it. You can add this to the Wish I Had Known list of shit that happens to a pregnant woman's body.
*Add the above to hemorrhoids. I don't think I need to elaborate on this.
*Skin tags and moles! Oh joy! They are popping up EVERYWHERE! By the end of this pregnancy, I'm afraid I'll look like the demon who ate kittens in the series Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
*Back aches. Holy hell that one sucks. And it's not just where you would expect either. Because the top part of my body is so scrawny, I seem to lack the muscles to hold myself upright properly. By the end of the day, the muscles and nerves between my shoulder blades are screaming. It's definitely a fibro symptom because I've had similar flares in that area. Add the lower back to it and I'll soon be able to add my name to the list of eligible, hunchbacked side kicks.
*Gastric functions are at an all time high. I've never had heartburn in my life until this. And it reached a new level a few weeks ago with horrible pain. It felt like a geyser of acid threatening to shoot out of my mouth. I imagine it to be like the blood from the Alien creatures; whomever comes near me will risk being hit by a torrent of acidic, hot liquid which can eat through organic, fleshy materials and metals. Thankfully, there is a mint-infused version of Zantac that is safe to take and it almost completely eradicates this threat to all humanity. And yes, you can take that as a product endorsement.
*Hormonal? OH JUST A LITTLE. I can go from crying to wanting to molest my husband in about 5 seconds. Not to mention, I'm also impatient and crabby. We're definitely riding the crazy train here.
*Brain power and coordination are greatly diminished. It almost seems like a cruel joke from Mother Nature to make a creature so goddamn clumsy but who also finds it almost impossible to bend over. I can't even guess how many things I've dropped on the floor only to find it excruciatingly difficult to retrieve. (I huff and I puff and I BEEEENNNNNNNND my ass over.) Also it is hard to find the words to express myself or form complete thoughts. A thesaurus wouldn't even help me because I don't even have one word I can bring forth from my brain to look up. "What's another word for that thing?" *points* "That THING over there? Yeah what is that?" Fffffuuuuuuuu.....
If you add all this together, I feel like a hunched over, gigantic monster with bad skin and an inflamed crotch, who while bawling, is chasing some poor man around the house, yelling for sex in monosyllabic grunts, all the while crashing into furniture, and only pausing to suppress a Hiroshima-like vurp.
So that's pretty much where I'm at these days. So if you want to ask me how I'm feeling, I might just continue to point you to this blog. The good news is, I really don't need to invest in a costume for Halloween this year. I am scary enough already. Have a great Halloween everyone!
I went in today for the baby's growth scan, her movement test and my normal medical exam. Peeing in a cup every two weeks is nothing spectacular. But you know, there are ways to make it a little fun. I like to put pictures on my urine cup every time I go. I encourage you all to find ways to make your medical visits a little more silly. I guarantee if they ever think they've lost my sample, all I have to do is say "Look for the cup with a smiley face on it."
Sometimes I do smiley faces, sometimes it's a flower with a smiley face and today it was a sun smiling! I have happy pee.
This baby went from being tiny and only 23% on the growth scale to just plain normal at 54%! Just a month ago she wasn't even 5 lbs and today she is 6 lbs. We're 35.5 weeks in and I can finally see the end coming. Whew!
The last weekend was tough. I managed to take a really wonderful walk in the country on Saturday with Horry; it was beautiful. I also attended a volunteer party with Patton and Ron and walked Tobin a few blocks. It was such an eventful and fun day! My neighbors had me over for their little bonfire and it was fun to sit, chat and eat S'mores. Sunday I did some house work and errands but by the end of the day, I could hardly walk. My legs were so swollen and the knees ached so much. I wanted to cry.
Because of that, I don't want to let things take its course and let the baby come when she may. I know this will set off alarms for all the moms who choose to let their bodies go into labor naturally. However the longer I go, the more limited my mobility becomes. Now if I sit on the couch all day and don't do housework - just SIT - I will be ok. However I don't want to sit on the couch for 5 more weeks, only getting up to eat and go to the bathroom. If I was on bedrest because the baby was in danger, you bet I'd do it. But the baby is doing amazing! She's perfect in fact. If I go for walks, clean my house, run my errands, I risk flu-like fatigue and inflamed joints.
Once I hit 38 weeks, my doctor can go ahead and schedule the induction. But right now we are looking at going into the hospital on the 20th, starting the cervical softener and then starting Pitocin on the 21st. I am so relieved. This means I know when I can start up my RA meds again and I know that we won't be stuck in 1-2 hours of road construction traffic that plagues the weekends here. Those were my two concerns, especially since we live so far from the hospital. Mentally this makes me feel so much better too. No more wondering if we'll go into December or worrying that the weather is going to keep getting colder before I can get my wonder drugs back inside me. Hooray!
"In life you have to do a lot of things you don't fucking want to do. Many times, that's what the fuck life is... one vile fucking task after another." -Al Swearengen, Deadwood.
Life isn't always this dramatic or shitty but it certainly can be a challenge. I've been dealing with depression all of my life. I can remember it being bad as far back as 5th grade, when I was a super dorky outcast in my school who had no friends. I even wrote in my diary about how I wished I was dead. Not very chipper! Every time I've tried counseling, I have always quit when it became too painful.
Things changed with my various conditions and issues. Anxiety is now a part of this whole vicious circle. When the pain gets bad, I get anxious because I can't do things like work, clean house, take the dogs for a walk, etc. Then I get depressed, the pain gets worse and things just go from there. I started to really feel out of control when I found out about the pregnancy. All the doubts I've had about myself are amplified now that I know a little human is going to rely on me for everything. Talk about pressure!
I saw a new counselor today who specializes in chronic illnesses. She told me that there are upsides to being chronically ill. I just stared at her and though, ok I'll bite. So I asked her what could possibly be good about it?? She told me that people who face chronic pain and sickness often have more wisdom and patience than those who are healthy. She said we have a different perspective that can be helpful sometimes. I didn't get to discuss this at length with her, as we had a lot to talk about. But perhaps she is right. Maybe we stop and smell the roses a little more than other people? And maybe we appreciate those little things more, like a sunny day, a walk around the neighborhood, a successful outing with friends. I can see how I have more patience now then I did when I was younger and healthier. Now when things turn out less than perfect, I don't get as upset as much or as quickly as I used to. So what? Things have been worse. And probably will be again. No sweat! And sometimes I sit and listen to people's problems and I can instantly see how they are being too hard on themselves. We are indeed, our own worst critics.
I guess I've never looked at things this way before. That doesn't make the frustration, anger and sadness go away instantly. But it helps a little.
There are other things I need to work through but the immediate need is to find ways not to let depression and anxiety take over when my pain flares up. It's so hard because before the pregnancy, it was a cycle of horrible endometrial pain, followed by a fibromyalgia flare and the aches and pains of arthritis thrown into the mix. By the time the cycle had finished, my period would start again. It is hard even for someone who isn't a pessimist like myself to look on the bright side during all that. And I'd get so tired of people saying that even though I feel horrible, at least I look good! Oh yes, because that's all that matters to me. That I look pretty some times. Jeezus.
People who know me in person know that I am no hippy. I don't care for herbal medicine, mainly because I've tried so many things and made myself sicker in the process. However I am pretty excited that this counselor is going to teach me relaxation techniques. When you are experiencing tremendous pain, your body tends to tighten up everywhere. Pretty soon you notice that while the pain started in your gut, for example, it is now radiating all over your back and neck. I'm hoping that this will prevent the spread of pain from tension and stress.
So here I go, back on the emotional roller coaster. Instead of gritting my jaw and pushing down all those fears and anxieties, I'm back to facing them head on. Who knows how long this will take but I'll be damned if I let this shit threaten my relationships anymore. Especially little EK who needs me to be as healthy as I can be, mentally and physically. I want to be ok with the fact that some days I have to be loaded up on pain killers, resting on the couch and letting my kid watch a cartoon, no matter what the American Academy of Pediatrics says right now. Maybe it's just retraining myself to let go of the desire to be a perfectionist in many areas of my life.
I'll just end this now with another quote from one of my other favorite characters from the show Deadwood. Have a great evening, tschus.
"Them what gets cured by Calamity Jane STAYS fuckin' cured."
I am so blessed to have friends with kooky senses of humor just like me. And even those who do not, at least they are so understanding of my interests and quirks. "She wants what for a baby shower? Well ok!"
I had two showers to try to accommodate everyone's schedules. I was really hoping my mother in law could be there for one of them, but it was not meant to be. We will get her here for the birth though and that is what really counts.
The first shower was last month and the theme was "Mommy's Little Monster." Awww so cute! Here are some photos of that.
The invitation
Party favors!
The decorations. As an aside, look! My house is clean!
Blood spattered umbrellas. Perfect!
My good friend Katie and her hubby did this cake! I've mentioned her awesomeness before. They run Brody's Bakery. The cake was vegan and gluten-free which was really important so two of my guests could eat this! And yep, they know about the spelling error but in all fairness, they are so dang busy. I'm in awe that they had time to do this at all! So cute! NOM NOM!
The second party was held just last Saturday at a friend's house. I again requested a zombie theme which my friends were already thinking about. What's cuter than Plants vs. Zombies? If you haven't played this game, do it. It's so addicting and silly. The premise is, you plant super awesome plants in your yard to thwart a zombie invasion. The zombies munch through your plants and try to attack the house. You collect sun beams to buy more plants. Here are some images from that day!
One friend knows how to make balloon animals and she made some of the characters from the game. How freakin' cool!
Another balloon.
Anyone remember the Pac Man anniversary cake I had last Feb?
The same talented gal made this cake. Can you believe it? You can find out more about her amazing cakes by visiting her website HERE. The top tier was pumpkin and the bottom was chocolate. It was as delicious as it was cute!
Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake. To see more details on this cake, see my other Flickr set.
You have to cut a zombie cake with a giant murder knife!
Erin and I. Erin is not only the maker of this cake, she is also my friend whom I've known since 7th grade. It's just a twist of fate that we ended up in the same place, so far from home. We were both in tears when we saw each other on Saturday. I think it was just so moving to see someone from home. Someone I've known since childhood and here she is, sharing this miraculous part of my life. I'm so touched that she came to my shower and put so much work into baking and decorating this.
My lovely hostesses! They are so stylish. :)
I wish I had taken more photos with all the guests from both parties. My brain is so fried and I've been so exhausted lately; I'm not thinking clearly most of the time. And I'm slow as hell getting out thank-you cards to not only these great people, but all the wonderful people who have sent me things in the mail. I swear, I will get this done!!! Thank you everyone for sharing this with me, for encouraging me to hang in there and just being so fucking fantastic!
Now get THAT song out of your head! *Evil Laugh Track*
I have seven weeks to go. That's it. I've moved on from the "holy shit, this has to come out of that little hole!" to "just get this kid out of me already." This is how nature mentally prepares you for child birth. The fetus presses on the bladder, smashing into a nerve that makes it down right painful and urgently requires you to pee. The horrific back pain after being on your feet for a limited amount of time. The fetal hiccups lasting for ten minutes at 3AM. Braxton-Hicks contractions every day, squeezing my gut and then the pressure shooting up into my throat.
This last trip to the doc showed her back in the breech position, with her head neatly tucked under my ribs. Ahhh yes. This explains why it feels like someone is puncturing my lungs every time I sit down.
Therefore seeing an end in sight is quite welcome. I don't even care about the upcoming pain or the sleepless nights or the rank diapers. I'm just ready to see her and hold her and of course, to have my old, defective body back. I never would have imagined that I'd want my old body back, for as much as it let me down, didn't work right and created so much pain for me. Surprisingly it has done this one thing right. It has so far successfully cooked a turkey. I know that when all the hormones that are protecting me disappear, the pain, the overwhelming fatigue, and the constant muscle aches will try to grab a hold of me again. Maybe I can fight it off this time and maybe not. Either way, it will be good to no longer be hosting my little fetal parasite. If only I could put her in my husband's testicles for the remainder of the pregnancy. Wouldn't that be great?
I've also been exhibiting a massive amount of nesting behavior. I can't sit the fuck down and rest until I'm so exhausted and in pain that I have no other choice. But the guest room closets are cleaned out. the laundry room has shelves and bins organized for their specific contents. The baby clothes are sorted by size and I'm in the process of washing every item. I even scrubbed the banister that separates the dining area from the great room. All that is left to do is paint a couple more rooms. My poor husband has not had a moment's peace in months. His wife has completely succumbed "Teh Crazee."
Maybe I should take some tips from this book a friend got me. I see some excerpts on the web and I find them to be really helpful. Oh shit, break dancing is not allowed? Dammit.
I will try to get some personal pics taken for the next blog post. I just couldn't resist these Safe Baby illustrations. So that's all for now!! If you need me, I'll be wigging the fuck out over curtains or lamps or on some new quest to find something to eat. Tschus.
It t'aint this and it t'aint that. This is another one of those frank pregnancy posts so quit reading here if you don't wanna know.
There is no shame, no pride: nothing to embarrass me anymore. That all pretty much went away during all the surgeries, the fertility treatments, etc. I didn't think I had anything left to hide but preparing for a baby has shown me differently.
In order to try and prevent the perineum, or more loving known as "taint", from tearing during child birth, a woman can do certain things to stretch things out ahead of time. They call it perineum massage. When you think about a head coming out of there, and things tearing, then you know why this is a far better alternative.
I can't see my damn junk anymore to know if I'm doing it right. And my little mirror does not balance well on the bed. I am fortunate that my spouse is not embarrassed by anything and perfectly willing to do whatever needs to be done. How we will ever have a normal, passionate sex life in the future, I have no idea. I'll put in an illustration so you can see what I mean.
Interesting, no? But far better to do that then to experience this, if possible:
Oh my fuckin' God, no way!
So the instructions say to insert thumbs and pull downward until you feel a stinging or burning sensation. Once it starts to burn, hold it for several minutes and then pull outwards. So yeah, the stinging starts and I said OK ENOUGH FUCK THAT HURTS! And Ron, being very clinical said, ok now we have to hold for two minutes. I asked him to tell me a story to distract me. The only thing that came to his mind was the plot to Happy Gilmore. So he told me about a hockey player who needed money to get his grandma's house and how he went off to play golf. Ha ha!
All through the 8 minutes of stingy taint, my husband is telling me about Happy Gilmore. It was a good distraction and did make me laugh. We have to do this once a day until delivery and I am going to have him tell me a story each time. We'll see what other interesting summaries of movies I can get out of him.
Let me just reiterate how unsexy this was. It was uncomfortable. Not exactly painful but it definitely did not feel nice. When one reads "massage" in there, you tend to think of something that feels good. It's amazing what you will do though when you think about your genitalia ripping and being sewn back up. Taint stretches? You betcha!
It's been a rough couple of weeks. Nothing major but just having a hard time sleeping because of the aches and pains. I find that the RA is flaring up in my face of all places, specifically my jaw. It's hard to eat and laying on my side aggravates it too. But you are supposed to lay on your side so what are ya gonna do? Maybe one of those fancy foam pillows would help.
Also, I did a maternity photo shoot the other day and felt pretty great afterwards, confident that I hadn't overdone it. Wrong. I woke up the next day hardly able to move. From my neck down to my calves, it was nothing but a giant ache. Dinner plans were canceled, I soaked in Epsom salts, put a heating pad on my back and followed up with ice. It got a little better but dumb ass me, in an effort to be all natural on my woes, I took a couple fish oil pills yesterday evening. Wow, big mistake. I forgot how that stuff stimulates the brain! It completely counteracted the sleep medication I take each night. I should have slept hard but instead I didn't feel sleepy all night. I just laid on the couch, dozing every so often. I did get a couple hours of sleep in the morning and another 45 minute nap later today so I guess that's good. I forgot how sensitive my brain is to certain things. Thank you Fibromyalgia. Or should I say, Fuck you.
Another day of Zombie Bex.
I'm not really sure why, maybe it's because of a couple comments I've read here and there, but I feel almost completely disassociated with my former social circles, online and in person. I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere, or maybe I'm too tired to try anymore. It doesn't help that I feel unable to form a creative thought anymore. Maybe that goes away with the pregnancy, who knows. I think the other part of it is that I feel like a big Nobody. I don't want to be just a mom. I want to be a mom who writes, who creates, who has her own interests. Whenever I talk about that, I get so much resistance from people. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "your life ends when your baby's is born." "All you are is her mom now and when she's off to college, you can do XYZ."
So tell me this: why? Is this really how life has to be or is that how some people chose or allowed their lives to be and therefore they perpetuate that crap in order to make themselves feel better? I don't know. I certainly expect her first few years to be very demanding. She is going to need her dad and me a lot because she cannot take care of herself. And I'm going to want to be with her a lot, to experience all those firsts with her.
But her life can be incorporated with my own interests too. She can go on hikes with me. She can go to petting zoos, family days at museums, watch movies, volunteer with the dogs, etc. I think back to when I was a full time step-mom to a 3 1/2 year old. We did lots of fun things together in those 8 years. Certainly kids have a short attention span and you may not get to do everything you want to do when you go out, and you need to incorporate kid friendly activities on your outings, but it is definitely not an either/or lifestyle.
Hell, I finished college and went through graduate school while taking care of a kid. If I choose to go back to school when EK is older, I think that's quite doable. I think everything is easier when you only have one child. Maybe people are thinking of their lives after having more than one kid. Either way, I think the comments along the line of "you will have no life once you have a child" are really negative and unnecessary. And to be honest, I've kind of quit talking to a quite a few people because of this. I'm not mad at anyone but I just don't know how to respond. (I realize this is my fault. I shouldn't let what others say affect me. Different opinions shouldn't bring me down.)
I have some ideas of things I can do that aren't very consuming but will give me immense satisfaction. Once my MIL moves up here, I think I will be able to take about 4 hours a week to do these things. I don't need to be super mom with a big career, trying to do it all. I'm just asking for some time to nurture myself so I can be a better wife and mother. If I just live for other people, who am I? A Stepford wife? I don't know, but what I do feel is that I won't like that person very much.
That being said, I'm so excited to see this baby. Every week when I see her on the ultrasound, I get a little giddy. Last week I cried when I could see her face on the screen. I just never thought this would be possible. I can't wait to see her personality come out, to teach her how to nurture her own interests and talents. How to be a strong woman while facing so many issues on the road to adulthood. We'll play silly games, make up songs and watch cartoons. I'll teach her to bake and cook, to find cool rocks when we're out on walks...all kinds of fun stuff. And I'm sure there will be a lot of days when my body is not going to do jack shit and I'll have to lay on the fucking couch all day. But I'm hoping she will dig watching old Scooby Doo eps or putting puzzles together so mommy can rest. I guess we'll just see how it goes.
I'll end this emo post with a sneak preview of my photo proofs from this week. I am trying to choose five to have edited and am having a hard time narrowing it down. I really wanted something fun, different and pin up for my maternity pictures. Here are a couple that I like.
*Photos are unedited and taken by Vixen Pin Up Photography. All rights for use and distribution are held by Vixen.
Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow and this isn't how things are to be for the next 9 weeks!! Have a good 'un. Tschus.
So much updating to do, so little energy! I have yet to blog about the baby shower but will do that when I get some more pics. In the meantime, here is a little Patton-centric update!
Our animal therapy group had a booth at the Kansas City Rennaissance Festival this weekend and we offered to hang out there for an hour. The Festival was packed with people who brought their pooches. I was so happy to see all the happy dogs among all the costumed people. And although it poured rain earlier in the day, we were lucky that it stopped before we left the house.
The absolute BEST part of the day was when we got to the booth. Two booths down from us was the tent for MOGS (Missouri German Shepherd Rescue.) Through looking for a dog trainer, I discovered that the woman who we got Patton from, was involved with this group. I went looking for her and sure enough, she was there. Turns out she is the group's founder. I reintroduced myself and before I could remind her about Patton, she looked at him and exclaimed "Eeyore!!!!!"
Turns out she remembers Patton well from his time with her back in 2007. He was one of four dogs that she personally took in after his sad situation. She said she remembers them because they were all about the same size and were so, so scared. And currently, MOGS has a dog that reminds her a lot of Patton in looks and personality. She couldn't stop hugging and petting him, and he was pretty happy to see her too. It absolutely made Ron and my day to have this reunion. I can't believe how one dog has touched so many lives. I feel so lucky that we were chosen to be Patton's mom and dad!
So here is Patton with Nancy on the day we formally adopted him, April 13 (Friday!), 2007:
And here are the two reunited on September 17, 2011:
There is nothing better in the rescue world then hearing success stories years later and better yet, getting to see that animal again.
I love the KC Renn Fest a lot! We got to pig out a little and I finally got my funnel cakes. It was a bit of a hike around and we didn't get to see everything. But that is ok! Next year I'll take Patton back with the baby. :)
Here are some more photos from the day.
Pets For Life booth
Patton makes fun of the Sheltie
A dog with a lady bug costume
Ron poses for me :)
Amazing, beautiful metal sculptures
I happened to see this dog being posed for the mermaid board and I HAD to get a picture. Isn't that hilarious?
Finally, here is Patton ready to go home. You can't see it but some little girl came by and got glitter all over his face. Ha!
