It Piles On

So preliminary autopsy results show possible Potter's Syndrome. They also found blood clots in the placenta and possible distress on the umbilical cord.

What I'm looking at is that possibly my baby died from a fatal fetal polycystic kidney disease. It could be a fluke when the egg and sperm met or it could be genetic. My husband and I could be carriers. I have a gut feeling that I'm a carrier. There is a link to this genetic disease and something I was born with, something that happened to me when I formed in my mother's womb: Mullerian Defect. My doctor found that in my uterus back in 2009. It's blogged in here somewhere, I am sure. Anyways, while my kidneys are fine, my uterus developed abnormally, with a wall inside of it, almost dividing it in half. There are other types of defects that this presents as but this is the one I had. I could be asymptomatic or just a carrier. I have no idea. We have to wait for the final autopsy results so this was all speculation from the pathologist at this point.

Now what about the clotting? It's possible the baby had some kind of issue with clotting or that it's me who is predisposed to clotting issues, meaning I could develop a thrombosis or embolism at some point. There are several kinds of clotting disorders and one is autoimmune related. I will need specialized testing to figure it all out and from what I understand, there are false negatives to deal with too. I guess I could need blood thinners or something. I have no idea. My head hurts so bad from crying and from sinus headaches. I hope I am cleared for sinus surgery later this month, but we'll see how this blood clot shit plays out.

This is what I'm dealing with now, on top of losing my son. Do we carrier this kidney gene in our DNA somewhere? Is it in my daughter too? What the hell is with this clotting stuff? I feel like it never ends. I do want answers for why my baby died but I am so tired of hearing additional diagnoses, and then to think my body passed something bad on to my kids. My body, this piece of shit that's both good and bad, did this. It's overwhelming but I want definitive answers. I pray I get them.

First Dream

So I had my first "dead baby" dream last night. I was holding an infant, but couldn't see its face. I had it semi-wrapped in a blanket and I was just going about my business, like usual. I suddenly realized in my dream that the baby's feet were not wearing socks or shoes and that they were very cold. I became concerned, wondering how I could have brought my baby out not properly dressed. Then I noticed the feet were purplish and very, very cold. I couldn't warm them up. I woke up and moments later my daughter screamed. She too had a bad dream. I rushed in and soothed her until she was ready to go to sleep again. It took me a long time to fall asleep afterwards.

I read in some blogs and such that these dreams are common and I am sure I will have them for a lifetime. Bad moments like this follow you into your dreams. It's weird where and when a bad moment will strike. I was struggling on the elliptical today, watching one of my favorite war movies on the Ipad when a bad moment hit. There was a part where some Nazis were executed, pistol to the head. And it sickened me in a way it hadn't previously. Their deaths so quick and flippant. I thought, how many dead people have I see in my life? Well there was my grandma's funeral, my aunt's ex-husband's funeral and then the funeral of my grandmother-in-law, all open caskets. All were embalmed and they felt like a statue and looked like wax. But my son. My dead son. He was never warm to my touch, not waxy or stiff. His little body was limp in my arms and every time I shifted him around, his head would lop this way or that. So, so cold.

My dead son.

Unless you've been through it, you can't begin to understand. He was a sick baby, strong in my womb but unable to sustain life. That he died somewhere safe and warm is merciful. But the pain I feel at not having him here, having a post-pregnant body to look at in the mirror every day but no baby in the crib, is excruciating. I will never be the same person again because of this. No better, maybe no worse, but different. This is by far, the worst thing I have experienced, and if you know me, I've experienced enough to last a lifetime. Right now I am waiting and waiting for autopsy results. I have to know WHY. Tentative information points to a possible inherited gene, something for which we all must be tested. I need to get past this part and maybe I can have more closure.

I don't know what else to say right now. I hope the xanax kicks in soon. I feel like my heart could explode with all the emotions I feel. I don't want to feel anymore.