Pretty and sick

Once in a while, my tired, Mommy/fibro brain allows a shaft of light inside my head long enough for me to form a few coherent and relevant thoughts. Spell-check helps too. I just read this article about feeling beautiful when you live with an autoimmune disease. Personally I have gone many days without a shower, without brushing my hair, without dressing in proper clothes, let alone not leaving the house. It's hard to have the energy to care about your looks. So I appreciated this article on that level alone.

But then I read through the comments and was surprised to see how many people bitched and griped, saying the article is superficial. Simply putting on lipstick doesn't transform your whole outlook or how you physically feel. Putting on a cute outfit doesn't mean diddly shit when you can't get out of bed, or take a shower, as I find myself going without on many occasions. I get that, I do. I go through waves of anger, acceptance, sloth and defiance. But I have to say that on days when I can't primp myself a little, putting on a little of my favorite perfume makes a difference in how I feel about myself in that moment. It's not perfect, but sometimes it's enough.

However, I do agree a lot of these articles make it sound like the deep psychological issues that accompany physical pain and limitations are easy to fix with just a quick swipe of lipstick or a snazzy sweater. Patients like us aren't looking to be coddled or pitied, but we don't want to be condescended either. Shit happens. My new normal is to always have pain or discomfort on any given day. Hell, I feel like shit at least a little bit all the time, so I didn't even realize I was running a fever from an infection this week. I just figured it was the changes from the rainy weather that so often wreak havoc on joints and sinuses. That's life. We either learn to make the efforts to look nice or we accept that yoga pants and tshirts are good enough for the day. Do your best, that's all you can do.

Tschus.

God sent me a turtle

I need to blog more frequently again, so all the intermittent posts aren't so tragic. Another death. Last weekend a friend was out riding her new motorcycle and crashed into a tree. She was my age, 36 years young.

Dianna was so many things: a friend, an animal rescuer and advocate, a gorgeous pinup, a project manager and all around wonderful person. This lady lived. She was always out at the rockabilly shows, always volunteering her time and energy to help pit bulls and other breeds. I don't know why it was her time to go, but I do know there is a huge hole in so many hearts because of her passing. Mine included.

Her death, and the death of my ex, at such a young age is fueling my paranoia about my own mortality. My mom died at 38 and as a kid I was convinced I wouldn't live to 40. Now I'm closing in on 37 and without realizing it, I am becoming more and more fearful of death. I feel like I have to love on my daughter a lot, like my mom did with me, because I could die any day. Now, I know that this is true for everyone. We all will die, someday. But for me, I felt like I could never see myself living to old age, some disease is bound to take me young. I am trying my best to not feel that way, but these passings have rattled me. I keep thinking I'm pissing my life away, taking it easy all day to try to prevent a flare. I feel like life is passing me by. I want people to come to my memorial service someday and say, "She had a zest for life. She did so much, was so happy and loved so many."

The day after I found out about Dianna's death, I took some time to walk the dogs by myself. I needed to be out in the grass and trees. I needed to be in nature. And while I was out, I came across a turtle who was trying to hide itself in our front bushes. We had heard earlier in the day kids gushing about a turtle they found. Well the poor guy must have escaped from the children. Gosh, he was cute. Right away I decided to take that little bugger out to the creek so he could go on living his life. I put him in a box and hopped in the car.

Parking near the drainage creek near our house, I trudged through the dry grass. The ground lined and cracked from drought. When I reached the creek, with box and turtle, I found it completely dry. And where water should have been, trash and detritus littered the area. So I left the car and set off through the grass, following the creek to see if there was some water, some where, dammed up away from the road. I'd seen beaver activity back there on previous walks so I thought it was a possibility. After not finding even a mud puddle, I finally decided to leave him near the creek bed and maybe rain would come soon. As I watched him crawl away from the box, I thought of Dianna. Of course, God would send me an animal to rescue when the pain and sadness of losing this amazing woman was slicing into my heart. All I could think was that God sent me a turtle to tell me it's ok. She's here with Me and she is happy and her love is shining down on all of us. And we should keep living, keep helping, keep rescuing. Because that's what she would want us to do with our lives.

And you know what? The very next day we had rain that didn't stop for a day and a half. See? The turtle is back in his habitat and now he has that water he needs to live. Funny how that all works out.

Thank you God, for the turtle, and for the time I had with my friend. God bless us and Dianna, I'll catch you on the flip side. Tschus.

A chapter closed

A couple of months ago my ex-husband passed away unexpectedly. There were rumors of suicide, accidental death and natural causes. I still do not really know what happened. What I do know is that he was very depressed the day of his death, and he had been drinking heavily.

I went through a gamut of emotions: anger, sadness, grief. I am mostly worried for my step-daughter. I don't want her to be in pain, but I know she is. How could she not be? Her dad was only 38, the same age my mother was when she passed. It's coincidences like this that confirm my beliefs that my marriage to him was never meant to be, but we were brought together so that I could be in his daughter's life. If I could, I would move her in this house right now but she needs to be where she is now. And her mother loves her very much, of that I am sure.

As part of my struggle to come to terms with my feelings in this and what happened, I wanted to know who he had been after our divorce. It appeared to me that he became a whole different person. No longer a country western type of guy, he now had numerous facial piercings, a mohawk and dyed hair. He was into punk music and roller derby. In fact, it seems his roller derby friends became a family to him. I reached out to a couple of them, hoping someone would talk to me about his last year but I was ignored. Had he mentioned my name to them and said such awful things that no one wanted anything to do with me? Or had they just simply not wanted to respond to anyone? I have no idea. I still feel some weird need to understand who he was, but it is fading. I just see all these references to how he was a great father and a gentle soul, etc. I can't help but think back on my 7.5 years with him and remember he started out that way, but as his depression worsened, he became volatile, angry, sullen and withdrawn. His interpersonal relationships were damaged at every job he had too. I remember explosive arguments, with objects violently thrown around and walls hit. And in the years after our split, he had trouble with the law and relinquished custody of his child. And this is Dr. Awesomesauce, as he was known? I never could completely forgive him for all of that. I had nightmares for years after I left. Certainly no one but he and I, and his daughter, knew how bad it could get. Not at all awesome, in my eyes.

But there were some good times, I must admit. He was extremely intelligent. He never forgot one thing he read. He was never satisfied buying something when he thought he could make it himself. He taught me to cook too. He was very good at making things from scratch and often spent hours canning vegetables, making sauces and salsas, breads, and other foods. He could be generous with his time and would help his friends with various projects.

I was terrified of him. And now that is over. I don't have to be afraid ever again. I can still be sad he's gone though. I'm sad the man I cared for is gone and that his daughter has to go through life without her father to guide her. My heart breaks for her and I wish I could take that pain away. But it's time for that chapter of my life to close and for wounds to finally heal. Such is life.

Sinus-palooza

The struggle continues. Maybe I am so focused on weight loss because I can't control any of the other things going on with my body. It's more challenging to keep up with little Miss Hyperdrive these days. The kid is crafty. Sometimes she will give me a little look, a sly grin...then launches off like a crazy, baby torpedo. I've noticed my body is trying to adapt to the new physical demands of parenthood. My biceps are the biggest I've ever seen them. But a few things are not 100%, like my knees. Oh wow, I tried standing up from a crouching position while holding EK today and I couldn't do it. It hurt so much! And she's the age now where she wants to be held; asking with her big, baby browns and her little hands, pulling on my pants. And twice now, I've blacked out momentarily when standing up too fast, once holding EK. We were about to fall over when my head cleared. Does any of this worry me? Hell yes it does. But what the hell can I do about it? I've told doctors about these things and they never seem concerned. If it doesn't show up on an xray or blood test, they don't seem to think there is a real problem. All in her head, they may say to themselves. When your medical audience is apathetic, you eventually assume the same attitude. Also known as "FUCK IT."

So I've had blood coming out of my nose whenever I try to blow it. This has been going on for about two weeks. I'm always congested but it's been worse lately and now with the constant bleeding from my head, my nasal passages are swollen and painful to touch. I've let this go because I figured I'd be told it's just allergies and I'd go home feeling like an idiot for rushing to the clinic to head off an infection. So now the nurse tells me over the phone I better come in because it's probably an infection. No shit? How about you save me the trip by looking at my chart and seeing I've been in twice this year for sinus issues. Then kindly call in a prescription for a Zpack. Nope, got to go to the walk-in clinic. No appointment for you! You go to the walk-in clinic, now! So I'm getting my happy ass up early in the AM to hopefully get in first at the fucking walk-in clinic. Yes, because people with a shitty immune system love to sit in a clinic's waiting room for an hour and a half. Sorry, I am just frustrated because I'll have to reschedule my neurology appointment for the fifth time. Can you tell I hate walk-in clinics?

Thanks for letting me vent. I think I hear a shot of Nyquil calling my name. And maybe a couple of tampons for my nose. Have a good'un. Tschus.

Never Give Up

Today is a new day. Today I started out with banana bread. To be fair, I really wanted to try out some new gluten-free flour I received through a Groupon Deal. It's called Jules Gluten-Free, if you are curious. And who wants to waste those mushy bananas? Well it turned out better than I expected and I know how to tweak it a little for next time. But it's 4 Weight Watcher points a piece. Ouch.

What? You expected me to transform overnight? Ha, me neither. I'll get there though.

For several months I've been true to my elliptical trainer, doing most of my workouts with it. Sometimes I could hardly do 10 minutes, but I had to try. Despite being low impact, it does make my knee click quite a bit but, my knees are going to scream no matter what I do. I've tried doing some low impact aerobics and little walks with the dogs or baby when it was nice. Today I tried Zumba with the X-Box Connect. I did the easiest level and sweat my ass off. I KNOW I wasn't doing the dance moves right but I didn't care. So what if my silhouette didn't match up with the person on screen? Hell, there was always at least one dog behind me during the workout so I blame them for messing up my score. Sure....the dog did it. Mmmhmm. I flailed and stepped and turned around in the basement, not really doing Zumba so much as Grover's "Near/Far" routine.

Whatever you look like when you workout, be it at the gym or in your basement, don't worry what you look like. Concentrate on how your body feels and try to have some fun. And when you fall or forget the steps, just get right back to it. Rome wasn't conquered in a day. Slow and steady win the race. Insert other inspirational cliche here. Ok, I think I'll stop now and finish eating my baby carrots. Until next time...tschus.

Yo-yo

I am ashamed of myself. Forgive me God, for I have sinned. I have regained 10 lbs! TEN POUNDS. It is sobering to even type it!

What happened, you say? It all started around Easter. We bought all kinds of goodies for our daughter's basket. Well you can only fit so much in the little, plastic eggs so I started eating what was leftover. Also, why the hell did we even do the basket? It's not as if we would let a one year old go crazy and eat a bunch of sugary foods. So what were we thinking? I can't speak for my spouse, but I think it was an excuse for me to bring the food into this house. During my weight loss success, I could not eat what I did not have. So therefore, I never learned willpower or moderation. Once the flood gates open, it's hard to stop the flood. And boy did I "flood" my body with candy bars. It became a way of injecting my brain with that wonderful rush of euphoric chocolaty goodness. The giant "ON" button for a quick serotonin fix.

Also about this time I switched some of my medications. One drug I had been on had the amazing side effect of killing my appetite. It also seriously lowered my already low blood pressure. I became dizzy and exhausted. Half my day was sleeping while the baby slept. So the doctor switched me to something else and my blood pressure went back to the normal 80/110. My appetite returned too. Boy howdy, did it ever! So the appetite sharply rising along with Easter candy equaled a huge setback on my weight loss journey.

I am so pissed at myself. I'm pissed that I am still on medications that make me hungry and pissed I am an emotional eater on top of this pile of dieting disasters. By the time I attended the Shredder Nation weekend in Chicago last month, I was already up about 8 pounds. I even managed to gain weight while I was there! How embarrassing.

But I want to take this time to comment on that weekend. Other than my own setbacks, I had a BLAST! I met some really great people and I learned more about nutrition and exercise. I felt truly inspired and excited listening to all the testimonials. It was worth every penny. And I got to see a little bit of Chicago, my first trip to the Windy City. I bought a new purse and am now loving dehydrated apricots and dark chocolate covered cranberries. Dr. Ian was great and boy, did he run us hard during the workouts! I love Dr. Ian and what he's done for so many people.

Now that I'm back home and back to my routine, I find myself wondering how the hell do I get back on track? I can't go back to starving myself, which is what was happening on that medication. I am not physically able to workout aggressively. In fact my arthritis is flared up a bit and my fibromyalgia flares come and go. I could start all over with Shred and do that again. However I found myself starting the plan over and deviating far too much. I wanted some freedom to eat some of the foods I loved! I have heard so many people swear that Weight Watchers gave them tools to lose tons of weight. I decided to try a three month, online membership to see what all the hoopla is about.

At first it seemed pretty easy to eat within my points. But it's harder than I thought! I realize it's all about me making better choices. I am appalled however how just eating a typical meal with a meat, veggie and piece of bread costs me half my day's worth of points! They "nickle and dime" ya on this plan. Piece of bread, 2 points. Plus 1 point for a smidge of buttery spread. Plus another point for jelly. Three points for oatmeal and another 2 points for a cup of fat-free milk. Coffee is zero but if you put some of that delicious Coffee Mate in it, you have to add a least one or two more points. So now I'm at 10 points for breakfast and am only allowed 26 points a day! Ok, ok I must learn to start the day with less. Coffee and oatmeal, 5 pts. Lunch needs to stay around 5 pts as well as supper. That leaves me about 5 points for snacks. BUT fruit and veggies are free! However some of the members will warn you that eating all the fruit you want every day will overload your body with sugar, causing you to potentially GAIN weight. Good lord, you are F'd no matter what, it seems.

What's a girl to do? Shred, which has worked in the past but is a bit restrictive, or Weight Watchers with points that I seem to run out of by mid-day? What if it's possible to do both? And if so, is there any advantage to this method? Well I'm going to find out. I'll report back on that soon. Wish me luck! Or sanity. I'll take either one! Tschus.

Of Sound Mind

I just want to be healthy.

Everything I am responsible for stems off of a healthy Me. How can I feed the family healthfully yet inexpensively? How can I strengthen my muscles to better support my joints? Where is that happy medium between working out enough and overdoing it? I'm struggling to figure that out and I've been looking for answers for over six years. I just want to be healthy.

However I found myself these past years not so much searching for what I had intended; I was searching for a cure. I've tried alternative medicine and treatments, I've put all kinds of pharmaceuticals into my body, I've tried diet, exercise, singing Kumbaya until my face was blue. Nothing worked! It's only recently that I realized the difference between working with what I've got versus forcing my body to work like a "normal" person's body.. If you can't beat it, join it! Or something along that lines.

Just because I have these problems doesn't mean I can't be healthy. By saying to myself "I'm sick, I can't do that," I just set myself up to fail. I've quit before I've even tried. Wow, how many cool things have I missed out on because of negative thinking? Sure, I probably can't stand in general admission at a rock concert anymore but I can do other things. It's about being realistic and surrounding myself with the right support system. I can't run a mile right now but maybe I could work up to it someday. I can't clean all my house in one day either but I can clean one room a day. It's about setting realistic goals that build off one another.

But there is also a flip side to this: If I do all these things I supposedly shouldn't be able to do, people will think I'm lying about having these conditions. Now let me just stop you here and I'll reiterate that statement: If I stay active, exercise, and participate in life, people will think I'm lying about having RA, Hashimoto's, Fibromyalgia, TMJ and Endometriosis. This sounds absolutely crazy but these worries come from learned experience. Let me explain. In the past I went through a phase where I could do a lot socially and then my body rebelled; I'd make plans and have to break them. A LOT. A group of friends I was hanging out with called me a liar (in a round-about, passive-aggressive way) and I lost a whole group of friends over it. They didn't believe that I could go out to eat after a 9 hour work day last month but have to break off plans to see a movie or attend an event the next month. After a few times of having to cancel due to pure exhaustion and pain, there was an ugly confrontation. So in the back of my mind I have been closing myself off from people so they WON'T ask me to do anything. That way I don't risk them thinking I am a liar if and when I have to cancel on them. Maybe that's not something I should actively worry about but the experience has stuck with me.

I just want to be healthy. And instead of searching the ends of the Earth for my "holy grail" in the form of a miracle cure, maybe it's better just to be. This is my new self, for better or worse, and it's not always great but it's not always horrible. And if I can do one thing today and not tomorrow, to hell with what others think. If they can't be bothered to get educated on what I deal with every day, then they aren't my friends. I can be a healthy person who has RA, Hashimoto's, Fibromyalgia, TMJ and Endometriosis.

Tune in later this week when I recap the Shredder Weekend in Chicago that I attended last weekend! It was a great trip and very enlightening, as well as motivating. Have a good Monday, tschus!

Death by cuteness

I've finally gone over to the Darkside. And by Darkside, I mean pink. It's as if a pink cloud of butterflies, glitter and tweeting birds swallowed me whole and shit out a cuter, sweeter version of Bex.

As some of you remember, I tried very hard to stay away from the garish combinations of pinks and other shades of pastels when we found out we were having a girl. But now that EK has hit toddler-hood (also known as Bi-polar Demon Baby) I've had a chance to see what looks good on her and what doesn't. The kid looks good in pink, what can I say? She has the perfect skin tone that is flattered by pinks and yellows. With great effort I pushed aside my tomboy ways and looked for decor and outfits that make her happy and look good on/with her.

I originally wanted to do a huge project on her room with a chair rail and pink accents but after seeing how much work and money that would take, I settled on doing some cute stencils. I picked out two shades of pink and ordered stencils from Cutting Edge Stencils. Cutting Edge Stencils, by far, has the best stencils I've seen. And they have great tutorials and excellent customer service so when you F up your walls, they are quick to suggest solutions to your gaffe. Even after practicing first in the garage, I still messed up, but that's me. Others may find it much easier to do. I chose a delicate, nature themed design with curling branches, leaves and butterflies. I also picked out birds and branches for our master bedroom to do later. I borrowed one of the birds from that design to use in EK's room. So here is how it turned out. The really light color isn't white but is actually a very delicate pink. The butterflies are more of a Pepto color, which really pops on the dark brown wall.

That took all day to do because I don't have the stamina to just blow through it. And since I never did master stenciling without making the paint bleed underneath the plastic, I had to go back and fix the really bad parts by hand. So if you look closely at it, you can see all the blunders. But at a normal distance, it's just fine. And it will be easy to paint over when we sell this place. So here is a quick look at the master bedroom wall that I've pondered over for a couple of years. I don't want to put a headboard on the bed and I could never find the right size of art to go there so stenciling fit the bill. And the damn cold air return is RIGHT THERE in the way. I just went under it like it wasn't there. No worries.

Now I am eyeing the TV room in the basement. Hmmmmm....Well that's all for today. Have a wonderful night and make it a great week!! Tschus.

Bex Blitz

Hello faceless void, aka interwebz! This week I bring you news of my successes and the direction I find myself meandering towards. As of late, I have Shredded 20 lbs! I can't tell you how much my life has changed for the better because of the Shred Revolution diet and lifestyle. I've lost weight, gained confidence, made friends and set new goals for myself.

Early in February I was fortunate enough to head up to Fox 4 and meet Dr. Ian Smith himself! I also met my cyber friend Sheri who has become a real life friend now. I cannot tell you how nice and caring Dr. Smith is. He truly cares about people and wants to help anyone interested in losing weight and gaining better health. I just cannot recommend this enough to other people! Sheri has been great to me when I've felt down about my roadblocks and I look forward to spending more time with her in the near future.

So if you are interested in seeing Sheri and I with Dr. Smith on Fox 4, here is the video. More information can be found here on the Fox 4 website or here on Dr. Smith's site. There is also a very active community of people on Facebook and Twitter.

Click HERE for the video.

I had my cravings under control and in fact, I didn't want to eat for weeks. I mentioned previously that I didn't feel well. Even worse than usual. My doctors didn't seem to know why or think there was anything really worrisome about it. After researching it myself, I found that when coming off prednisone, a person can experience adrenal fatigue. Some symptoms of your body not producing enough coritisol (the stress hormone) on its own are lower blood pressure, fatigue, lack of appetite. Oh shit! Well that makes sense. But I never thought this could happen to me because I was tapering down so slowly and because I hadn't been on, what my doctors say, is a very high dose. Let me tell you. Fuck the doctors. I know my body better than they do. I KNOW when something's not right and I felt so bad, that I was scared to take my meds. I was scared to take my nighttime pills because I was afraid I wouldn't wake up in the morning. Now maybe I was being paranoid, but when your blood pressure feels low and is commented on at every damn different medical office you go to, except for the doctor I complained to, and I feel dizzy and almost faint when standing, then you know it's a problem. So I begrudgingly went back up on the prednisone. And guess what? I'm starving. I pray that getting back on a strict regimen of Shred will help keep the weight from creeping back on and keep me from eating the entire house. Another stumbling block!!

But right this minute I am going to celebrate the 20 lb loss. I hope my blog next year isn't describing a Bex who is back to battling the bulge, back where I started and more. So here is my before and after shot. Before is when EK was about 5 months and now she's 15 months. I'm proud of the work I've done. I hope I can keep it up and this blog will reflect all the achievements and setbacks. By blogging I hope to keep things in perspective and stay accountable. Being healthy is not easy. You have to work at it all the time. Being sick is very easy: you just do nothing.

SMASH time again

Hello folks. It's been another one of those weeks and with the culmination of this frustration tomorrow morning. I saw my rheumatologist on Monday. Normally I really like her but I listed off my concerns to her and all I get is: well your labs have always been fine. That's it. LOOK AT ME. Look at my skin, look at the circles under my eyes. LISTEN TO ME. I'm telling you things aren't right. I don't care what the fucking labs say.

Then I get the push-off to other doctors. This happens at almost every appointment. "Well this doesn't sound like RA. Sounds like fibromyalgia and as you know, we don't treat that. I can send you to someone or you can see one of your other doctors." So I say, "well maybe I can talk to my neurologist whom I love but is located way the hell over in Missouri." Then we talk about my extreme fatigue, the lack of appetite, severe bruising all over my body, etc. and she says it could be adrenal fatigue from coming down on the steroids that SHE prescribes. All righty, that makes sense to me. So what's next? "You should go see your endocrinologist or your GP about that, although most GP's aren't good at running those tests." ---SIGH--- I came home feeling a bit rageful and immediately refueled the rage by upping my dose immediately of prednisone. Then that night I was so crabby, I worked out for 45 mins to stop feeling so angry. By the next day I could hardly move, my whole body ached and my knees felt like sharp nails were driven through them. Oh well. It's ok I can take it easy, oh no wait! I have to dig out part of the driveway so my husband could get home from his business trip. So much pain. Sooooooooo much pain. And today? Today I had my TMJ shot. I can hardly open my mouth so things like flossing and eating solid foods isn't happening. I was excited for this one! But he put quite a bit of medicine in there and it's really sore. Plus my baby, once again, managed to clock me in the jaw. Damn kid could do some kind of baby MMA fighting, I swear.

So I begged my endocrinologist to get me in STAT to talk about this and hopefully run some tests. Maybe he can get me off this friggin' awful drug, although when I'm on it, I have less pain. Double edged sword. I am prepared to be told nothing's wrong, I'm not showing enough signs, etc. I am prepared to BEG for help. Please someone, for fuck's sake, help me. I'm so torn about this. On one side, I think maybe the doctor's are right in their flippant attitudes. This is as good as it gets for me. The pain and fatigue will forever be this bad. Or, is it the other side of me. The side that keeps fighting and fighting. NO! This is not acceptable! We can do better but I can't do this shit on my own, buying supplements from every quack on the internet! Some of this stuff causes interactions with my medications. I want to be safe and responsible but most of all, I want to make improvements. So wish me luck tomorrow. I go early in the AM.

I hate doctors.

Here is a quick pic of what I take every day.

These are the bruises I'm referring to above. The legs have the worst of it. But I get them on my arms, my rear end and sometimes chest. But the legs take the brunt of whatever is happening. I don't remember getting these at all. Sometimes when I lean against a counter, or push a heavy drawer closed with my legs, I can feel the pain. But most times I don't remember it.

How is this, layered on top of all my other complains, normal? I don't know what I'll do if I get blown off again. Hopefully I'll keep my language clean though. Well, time to get to bed. Guten nacht. Wish me luck.

Rolling with the tides

I've started and deleted so many blog posts now that I've lost count. Where am I in my life? What should this blog focus on, represent? My life is so up and down, this and that, OCD layered in piles of chaos. It doesn't matter so much to me what people want to read. It matters what I want to say. But I don't know where I am or where I'm going now, other than raising a fabulous, impish little girl. I'm a mom and wife, first and foremost, but what else can I be?

I honestly believe the cliche "Life is a journey, not a destination." Your identity is fluid, not static. Your interests and circumstances change, your abilities change, the people in your life change, etc. I'm still VERY interested in embroidery and cross stitch. But with EK mobile, I can't find a lot of time to do it. She has learned to walk, crawl up onto my lap and computer and stitching, crawl onto the back of the couch, you name it. So that's fallen to the wayside, which sucks. It's such a good way to meditate. But I know someday I will get back to it. My other pursuits include researching ways to upgrade the house. I'm trying to use some stencils to update some big, blank walls. Currently I am practicing with the stencils in the garage because I haven't nailed how much paint to use and pressure on the rollers. I'm getting some paint bleed so I need a little more practice before I bring it into the house. I'm also constantly (and I mean CONSTANTLY) researching ways to be as healthy as possible. I even looked up oil pulling the other night. (Google it. What a weird concept.) I drink a cup or two of unprocessed organic cocoa powder every day with almond milk and skim milk and a little Stevia. Unprocessed cocoa powder helps with regularity. I have a smoothie consisting of a raw egg, kale, frozen berries, carrots, unrefined, organic coconut oil, and a banana every morning. Then I take two teaspoons of lemon-flavored fish oil and pour it into a shot glass. I then add some liquid Vitamin D and shoot it like a shot. I take digestive enzymes and probiotics too. My natural health doc gives me breathing treatments with glutathione which is supposed to help heal the immune system. It's insane to me, and terribly expensive, that I am doing all this along with the removal of gluten in my diet. When I even think about going out to eat, I can't easily find somewhere to eat.

I also quit washing my hair everyday to help preserve my hair color. And I'm trying to rid the house of products with parabens. (What a joke. Pretty much all my hair and face products contain them. Organic, hippie, safe cosmetics will cost you an arm, leg and then some.) I cringe when I think of all the things in baby products. I try to use the best and most affordable things on her as I can but it's hard. Keeping yourself and your family safe from chemicals in your home should NOT be cost prohibitive. The FDA is a JOKE. What you hear is true: "Don't rely on the government to take care of you."

So this is what I do now. And I guess my blog will be ever evolving. I do hope to continue stitching designs and other arty endeavors. And I'll try to report the health stuff as I understand it. I'll report on the things I've tried, even if they are stupid in hindsight! And I'm sure I'll go on some rant eventually. I can only go so long without one. So that's where this blog is at for right now. Stay tuned!

Tschus.

An hour in the day in the life of...

Last week I fought some crazy idiot online who stole my photos and used personal information about my family and hobbies to create a fake Facebook profile. Can you believe it? Should I be flattered? I wasn't. I was all BEX SMASH about it and am pleased that the profile is gone now. But I do feel really weird about posting anything again. So I've been going back and forth about taking down this blog or making it private. I'm still on the fence so if this thing goes private, the two of you who read it will need to register. No biggie.

Despite the identity thievin' sonsabitches, I thought I'd post my morning thus far. It's very exciting, so prepare to be wowed. In the mornings, I lay in bed, listening to the baby monitor beep and wish I could hit the snooze button. Babies don't have snooze buttons. Why is it that I can only sleep comfortably and blissfully when I have to get up? Then I limp to the bathroom, take my pills and start the day.

As soon as I entered the kitchen, the dogs wanted treats. I have no biscuits to give them so I dumped a bunch of stale Pupcorn on the floor and let them go to town.

Horry, chillin' among his Pupcorn remnants.

After making some very weak coffee (I can't handle caffeine anymore. What curse is this, that has fallen upon me????!) I checked in with the baby. She was hyper right out of the starting gate. I put a book and the Dream Lites pillow in her crib to distract her while I made a bottle. Now, it specifically says on this pillow not to let your child stare directly into the lights. That is why we don't put it in her crib with her. First of all she'd press the button all night and mess around with it. Secondly she'd stare into the lights and something bad would happen. I don't know, it could damage her eyes or swallow her soul or something. Anyways, I've renamed it the Hypnotoad.

That's just the first hour of my day. I would continue, but the baby has a load in her diaper and also would like to play with me. Phewie! And some day she won't have poop in her pants (I hope) and will have nothing to do with me because she'll finally realize I'm not cool. So I better take advantage of this time, poop or not, and hang with little E. I'll eventually have breakfast, renew some drug prescriptions over the phone, leave yet another message for my no-good lawyer and then pray nap time goes well so I can put my feet up again. And if I'm lucky, I'll have the energy to go to Walmart and buy formula. Oh happy day!! Heh, all right, enough sarcasm for now.

Have a fan-tab-ulous day. Eat well, get some exercise and make time to play. Tschus.