Of Sound Mind

I just want to be healthy.

Everything I am responsible for stems off of a healthy Me. How can I feed the family healthfully yet inexpensively? How can I strengthen my muscles to better support my joints? Where is that happy medium between working out enough and overdoing it? I'm struggling to figure that out and I've been looking for answers for over six years. I just want to be healthy.

However I found myself these past years not so much searching for what I had intended; I was searching for a cure. I've tried alternative medicine and treatments, I've put all kinds of pharmaceuticals into my body, I've tried diet, exercise, singing Kumbaya until my face was blue. Nothing worked! It's only recently that I realized the difference between working with what I've got versus forcing my body to work like a "normal" person's body.. If you can't beat it, join it! Or something along that lines.

Just because I have these problems doesn't mean I can't be healthy. By saying to myself "I'm sick, I can't do that," I just set myself up to fail. I've quit before I've even tried. Wow, how many cool things have I missed out on because of negative thinking? Sure, I probably can't stand in general admission at a rock concert anymore but I can do other things. It's about being realistic and surrounding myself with the right support system. I can't run a mile right now but maybe I could work up to it someday. I can't clean all my house in one day either but I can clean one room a day. It's about setting realistic goals that build off one another.

But there is also a flip side to this: If I do all these things I supposedly shouldn't be able to do, people will think I'm lying about having these conditions. Now let me just stop you here and I'll reiterate that statement: If I stay active, exercise, and participate in life, people will think I'm lying about having RA, Hashimoto's, Fibromyalgia, TMJ and Endometriosis. This sounds absolutely crazy but these worries come from learned experience. Let me explain. In the past I went through a phase where I could do a lot socially and then my body rebelled; I'd make plans and have to break them. A LOT. A group of friends I was hanging out with called me a liar (in a round-about, passive-aggressive way) and I lost a whole group of friends over it. They didn't believe that I could go out to eat after a 9 hour work day last month but have to break off plans to see a movie or attend an event the next month. After a few times of having to cancel due to pure exhaustion and pain, there was an ugly confrontation. So in the back of my mind I have been closing myself off from people so they WON'T ask me to do anything. That way I don't risk them thinking I am a liar if and when I have to cancel on them. Maybe that's not something I should actively worry about but the experience has stuck with me.

I just want to be healthy. And instead of searching the ends of the Earth for my "holy grail" in the form of a miracle cure, maybe it's better just to be. This is my new self, for better or worse, and it's not always great but it's not always horrible. And if I can do one thing today and not tomorrow, to hell with what others think. If they can't be bothered to get educated on what I deal with every day, then they aren't my friends. I can be a healthy person who has RA, Hashimoto's, Fibromyalgia, TMJ and Endometriosis.

Tune in later this week when I recap the Shredder Weekend in Chicago that I attended last weekend! It was a great trip and very enlightening, as well as motivating. Have a good Monday, tschus!

SMASH time again

Hello folks. It's been another one of those weeks and with the culmination of this frustration tomorrow morning. I saw my rheumatologist on Monday. Normally I really like her but I listed off my concerns to her and all I get is: well your labs have always been fine. That's it. LOOK AT ME. Look at my skin, look at the circles under my eyes. LISTEN TO ME. I'm telling you things aren't right. I don't care what the fucking labs say.

Then I get the push-off to other doctors. This happens at almost every appointment. "Well this doesn't sound like RA. Sounds like fibromyalgia and as you know, we don't treat that. I can send you to someone or you can see one of your other doctors." So I say, "well maybe I can talk to my neurologist whom I love but is located way the hell over in Missouri." Then we talk about my extreme fatigue, the lack of appetite, severe bruising all over my body, etc. and she says it could be adrenal fatigue from coming down on the steroids that SHE prescribes. All righty, that makes sense to me. So what's next? "You should go see your endocrinologist or your GP about that, although most GP's aren't good at running those tests." ---SIGH--- I came home feeling a bit rageful and immediately refueled the rage by upping my dose immediately of prednisone. Then that night I was so crabby, I worked out for 45 mins to stop feeling so angry. By the next day I could hardly move, my whole body ached and my knees felt like sharp nails were driven through them. Oh well. It's ok I can take it easy, oh no wait! I have to dig out part of the driveway so my husband could get home from his business trip. So much pain. Sooooooooo much pain. And today? Today I had my TMJ shot. I can hardly open my mouth so things like flossing and eating solid foods isn't happening. I was excited for this one! But he put quite a bit of medicine in there and it's really sore. Plus my baby, once again, managed to clock me in the jaw. Damn kid could do some kind of baby MMA fighting, I swear.

So I begged my endocrinologist to get me in STAT to talk about this and hopefully run some tests. Maybe he can get me off this friggin' awful drug, although when I'm on it, I have less pain. Double edged sword. I am prepared to be told nothing's wrong, I'm not showing enough signs, etc. I am prepared to BEG for help. Please someone, for fuck's sake, help me. I'm so torn about this. On one side, I think maybe the doctor's are right in their flippant attitudes. This is as good as it gets for me. The pain and fatigue will forever be this bad. Or, is it the other side of me. The side that keeps fighting and fighting. NO! This is not acceptable! We can do better but I can't do this shit on my own, buying supplements from every quack on the internet! Some of this stuff causes interactions with my medications. I want to be safe and responsible but most of all, I want to make improvements. So wish me luck tomorrow. I go early in the AM.

I hate doctors.

Here is a quick pic of what I take every day.

These are the bruises I'm referring to above. The legs have the worst of it. But I get them on my arms, my rear end and sometimes chest. But the legs take the brunt of whatever is happening. I don't remember getting these at all. Sometimes when I lean against a counter, or push a heavy drawer closed with my legs, I can feel the pain. But most times I don't remember it.

How is this, layered on top of all my other complains, normal? I don't know what I'll do if I get blown off again. Hopefully I'll keep my language clean though. Well, time to get to bed. Guten nacht. Wish me luck.

Week 4, Days 4-7 + 1

I have been terrible about keeping this up and I'm so mad at myself! But I do have a good excuse! ELSA. Haha, that kid is pretty demanding. And she's cutting two molars which SUCKS. She's pretty cranky and since she learned to throw baby tantrums (arching her back and screaming when you try to pick her up)I haven't had much time to shower, let alone blog. Blogging takes thinking and at least attempts at sentence structure and grammar. My brain cells last week were few. But at least this week the hubby isn't traveling so Week 5 will be better, blog-wise.

So anyways, about Week 4! Week 4 asks for a lot more cardio and you do see more carbs here and there to help with that. Although according to my very grumpy husband, there weren't enough carbs. Since he has a pretty packed workday, every day, he hasn't been able to eat all his snacks and wasn't eating enough. I did pretty well sticking to the plan all week, except for the days when my body hurt too much to do the workouts.

In the last four weeks I have lost 8.5 pounds! WOW! It would have been more had I not pigged out the week of Thanksgiving and gained back a pound. But who cares, this is still amazing. I've never been on a plan that: 1)I didn't quit after it got hard, and, 2)actually worked despite being on Prednisone. Normally the Prednisone cravings are so intense for carbs that I end up caving in and pigging out. Also it really does help to get all the bad stuff out of the house. I did make a small pan of brownies during Aunt Flo's regular visit and we ate them with glee and guilt. But we didn't gain any weight! And since it was a small amount, they were gone and out of the house quickly. Last night we ate raw veggies with humus with our meal and it tasted so damn good. I think when you stop eating all the crap, you start to really taste things again. You savor your food more.

So why +1 in the title? Well I think Dr. Smith is jammed with emails and I haven't received Week 5 yet, but I hope to get it today. So I'm just doing over the Week 4 meals until I receive this week's plan. I will report on my experiences as soon as I can.

Well the little BOSS is awake so I better get a bottle ready and go get her. Have a great day!

Week 4, Day 2 and 3

On Day 2 I felt like Superwoman. I was doing this and I was doing that, and then I did some more. I felt like I didn't have any illnesses and I was a normal, healthy person again! Until late afternoon. The aches and pains hit me pretty hard and I walked around like the living dead, doped on pain killers and muscle relaxers, cooking dinner for Elsa and playing with her. Luckily I got to talk to my mother in law for an hour which helped to wake me up. We always commiserate together and she's a great source of support for me. What a wonderful woman!

The menu on Day 2 felt less filling to me than Day 1. I think the diet switches things up so much so your body doesn't get used to getting the same kinds of foods every day. And let me tell you, you are not eating exotic foods. I'm talking oatmeal, fruit, vegetables, lean protein. You can drink protein shakes and I buy the generic ones from Target, Special K or the ones from Unikey Health, which are my favorite.

So if you are reading this and wondering if you can do this program, the answer is YES. You can preorder the book and it's under $20. Seriously, get on it!

I hate feeling like this but it could be worse. I just got to make sure I rest today and hopefully tomorrow I will feel better. I'm just going to go ahead and include today, Day 3, since I know I will just be following the diet, trying to drink lots of water and sitting my ass on the chair. Here's to hoping Day 4 is more exciting! Tschus!

Week 1, Day 3

And so ends day 3 of my first week. Not a whole lot to report today. I find myself getting caught up in the day and forgetting to eat my snacks or mini-meals. I need to work harder at that otherwise this plan won't work. It's tough with the baby because I'm always thinking "what does the baby need now? Is it time for her to eat? Play? Bath?" And then there are the dogs, constantly entwining themselves between my legs, like overgrown cats. The minute the baby is placed into her highchair, I see three fur balls parked under her seat. And the baby has discovered how fun it is to feed the doggies her food! Maybe it would be helpful to set an alarm on my phone to remind me to eat. Who knew I would need some kind of external reminder to eat???

I finally caught the Super Cold Virus going around and the disc in my jaw joint is still slipping out of place. I went to the dentist today, hoping for a solution. Basically all I got was "get a night guard." I do hope they are right and all will be well when I get the Miraculous Night Guard. I won't have the ability to cough up $350 until January 1st, so until then, I'm on my own. I'm worried that this won't solve anything and I'll be shit outta luck. Since, you know, neither the medical insurance or the dental insurance covers this problem unless my doctors can prove it's the RA causing all the fuss. Anyways, I find that I can't chew much and I'm stuck to drinking smoothies for most of my meals.

Even with these constraints/challenges going on, I feel I'm doing well. I find there is a lot of flexibility among the rules because you have a lot of choices. You can pick what kind of fruit to have along with your breakfast, and you can choose oatmeal, Cream of Wheat, or cereal AND have juice. I don't know about you all, but that's more than I normally eat each morning. There are snacks scattered throughout the day and more mini-meals. You learn to eat fresh fruits and veggies along with lean proteins. It's great having structure with so many choices. Of course, no weight loss plan is complete without exercise! But workouts can be broken up so it's not too overwhelming. I wonder if housework counts.

It's too early to tell if I'm going to lose weight or not. However I am still excited about this plan and very motivated. It means so much to me that my husband is right alongside me, doing the diet, helping plan meals. He's my rock!!

PS: Right before I started this diet, the neighbor kid dropped off our order for Girl Scout cookies. We ordered them a few weeks ago and I had entirely forgotten about them. I can almost hear those damn cookies screaming to be eaten from the pantry closet. *sigh* Fucking cookies...so delicious. Do Girl Scouts earn Obesity Badges with each sold box?

Week 1, Day 2

Another day done! I can't believe I'm going to do this dieting/food behavior modification thing for 6 weeks. Forty two blog posts. Yikes.

I took my "before" photos finally today. I figured it's not too late to get those done just in case. Just in case I actually lose these 20 pounds for good. I have to say that many people tell me I don't need to lose weight. But I'm very skinny up top and too round on the bottom. For vanity reasons, health reasons (belly fat inches almost the same as my hips and my poor, poor knees), and because I really want to be able to wear all the size 10 jeans in my closet, I've taken up this weight loss challenge. So here I am. My before pictures.

I don't think anyone's "before" pictures are attractive, so I'll give myself a break. And my post-pregnancy belly is really bringing me down. But I'm hopeful I can look AND feel better soon!

I have to say that Dr. Ian is very good about communicating with all of us Shredders. He responds to Facebook posts and emails as much as he can. I think he's a really great person and his enthusiasm is contagious. I want this and I believe it's obtainable. I just need to stay focused! Doing the 45 minutes of cardio today was BRUTAL. I had to stop and re-start a lot. I am pretty fatigued now and took it easy for the rest of the day. Also my jaw problems are worse and I had to alter the prescribed diet to just liquid foods. I just can't chew much more than bread. Hopefully the dentist tomorrow will give me some ideas on how to feel better.

My baby girl and I played a bit this afternoon. She's amazing and what better motivation than her? Have a good evening and wish me luck on the next forty days! Tschus.

In case of emergency, break glass

All of the health woes I feared would return after the baby arrived have returned. The endo isn't intolerable, but the pain during each period is rough. The arthritis is still a work in progress to get under control. Just a word to the wise: If you start Enbrel, don't even try to inject it in your leg. Just do the stomach, it's so much easier and little pain. The injection in the thigh was like putting liquid fire into my muscle. I've never had a shot hurt that bad. After talking to the Enbrel nurses and reading online, I tried out the following tip: let the Sure Shot warm up to room temperature for 30 minutes, let the alcohol swab dry completely before you stick yourself and inject in the stomach, keeping away from the belly button by two inches. To anyone out there holding back on having kids because of your health, just go for it. Yes, it's hard. It's very hard. The little buggers need attention all the time and you have to use your energy to entertain them, feed them, rock them, soothe them, change them, you get the idea. But it's worth it. You will never regret having them.

Seeing that I do not need jaw surgery at this time, I decided to go with the cortisteroid injections. Holy hell that hurt like a sonnofabitch. You need to have a scan done at the time of the injection so they can locate the exact spot of your TMJ. It's kind of cool to see your skull on the television, opening and closing its mouth. I don't talk much about my spiritual beliefs, mostly because I hear so many people around me bitching about and making fun of Christians. As if all of us Christians are like the fanatical evangelicals. I think that's very narrow minded and disrespectful but hey, your opinion is your own. I decided to give up all the pain and worry about my health to God. I can only control so much and I can't afford to freak out every single time I have to undergo a painful procedure. Because there will undoubtedly be many more. Having that internal talk with God really helped me get through yesterday. The following picture shows a little bruising, redness and swelling. Thankfully my right eye is no longer all wonky. I looked like a stroke victim yesterday.

This summer I had a big trip planned and I've had to cancel it for various reasons. One had to do with our finances. I just didn't have the money to change the dates. It would have cost more than the ticket was worth! So if you go through Hotwire, just know that to change plans is next to impossible unless you have a butt load of cash at your disposal. So I had to make some hard decisions and after a sobering evaluation of our finances, I realized not only was the trip out of the question, I realized we needed a financial diet. Therefore I signed us up for Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. We are only on the first month but I have to say this has already changed our lives. The guy is no nonsense and says it like it is. It is amazing to see exactly every single penny that comes in and goes out. We needed the structure, but some people don't. Some people don't have debt so this is not a tool they need. But most people have at least some debt and we fit into that category. Plus, going down to one income has been really hard, especially after the baby arrived. Formula and diapers don't come cheap.

We are moving onto the cash-only system. I am clipping coupons like a mad woman. On my last two purchases, I saved over $30 by using coupons and shopping the sales. I got a pair of awesome Skecher shoes to replace my worn out tennis shoes for %15 off plus free shipping. This weekend we are having a garage sale during the ginormous, city-wide garage sale craziness and I hope we make some money to put into our baby emergency fund. Once we get that fund established, we start the debt snow ball part of the program. I am so excited to pay off this debt and start building wealth and peace of mind. Having this control is very empowering and it has helped lessen the blow somewhat of the cancelled trip.

The money diet is trickling down into other areas of our lives too. Because I have to track every dollar for our grocery bill, I'm evaluating our diet a lot more. I hope to make another garden box to plant more vegetables, and if I can finally get a good harvest this year, I can learn to can what's left over. We use a lot of canned diced and stewed tomatoes and I hate buying anything out of can because of the BPA lining. I also want to make the baby's food myself so I am paying more attention to organics. So far she's a good eater so I'm lucky on that front. I hope that we lose some weight during our financial diet since we won't be eating out as much! Also we are getting rid of all the extra shit in the house. We are planning and budgeting for things like dental care and treatments for the pups. And home improvements have to thought out well in advance, if possible.

I realize I'm probably boring the shit out of anyone reading this but I'm just excited to do this, as hard as it will be. And speaking of, I need to get working on the garage sale shit for tomorrow. It's gonna be a long, hot day! I leave you with a photo of my work in progress for my next art therapy piece. Lots left to do on it!

Yeesh

On the bright side, shots in the back muscles aren't bad at all! Minor, minor pain.

But here are two images of jaws. Take a look at the TM joint and guess which one is mine and which one is off the 'net.

The surgical consultation should be interesting.

Jabber Jaw

It's been over a month since my last post. I've certainly been busy with house stuff, visitors and of course, the ever growing, increasingly mobile baby. She has learned to flip onto her stomach and is not that great at rolling back onto her back. So she gets stuck on her stomach and screams. It's quite tempting to strap her down at nap time and bed time, but I think there are laws against that. The swaddle worked until she figured out how to flip onto her stomach IN THE SWADDLE. Mein Gott, this kid is stubborn and squirmy!

After a whole day (and some times all nights if I'm home alone for a stretch) I find that I have nothing to give outside of caring for the baby. I don't have a lot of energy for much else and that sucks since my dogs are giving me evil looks for not taking them on walks. I would like to try to work up to walking them again for their health and my own. We are all on a diet (save the baby) since we all got a bit pudgy over the winter.

Patton has knee problems (luxating patella) and our vet said surgery would fix it but that is expensive. So he needs to lose a bit of weight and take joint supplements to help keep arthritis at bay. Having reminders that my fur baby is mortal and getting up there in age hurts my heart. I want him here with us forever, as I do all my pets/babies. Horace consulted with a vet on his hips and unfortunately is not a candidate for stem cell therapy. However there are some shots he could take, acupuncture and supplements which may help him. It's weird having to help my dogs with similar problems as my own. I guess I feel their pain, almost literally.

Speaking of, my health shit hasn't abated at all since the baby arrived. It is very hard to deal with it all on top of caring for a demanding little human. Difficult, but not impossible. (I just had to take a break to let my fingers rest from typing.) The latest on my journey through it all has been challenging. First, my biologic medicine isn't working as it had been pre-pregnancy. Apparently post-pregnancy, a woman's body can change the way it responds to medications. I'm anxiously awaiting insurance to approve a switch to a medication injected once a week. Also, the steroids I so wish to stop taking have made me cranky and hungry; an eating machine derailing my goals to drop a few pounds. Yeesh. They want me on it at least until my flares are under control, then I can start weaning. Third, the pain in my jaw and face has been constant for over a year. I was unwilling to get xrays during the pregnancy but finally did at my subsequent cleaning in March. The dentist stated, in his opinion, my jaw is showing significant damage in the joint. He recommends surgery and gave me the number of someone to consult with in Missouri. I made myself an appointment with a dental pain doctor who specializes in facial injections. (Apparently the jaw joint - TM - is so intricate, it is nothing like a regular joint and harder to treat with trigger point injections.) I am hoping, between the both of them, that surgery is the last resort and I can try a myriad of things first. I've read that jaw surgery should be the absolute last resort because so many things can go wrong. If they tell me to have surgery, it must mean the damage is pretty severe. I already avoid things like chewing gum, eating popcorn and other hard foods, and giving blow jobs to 50 guys a day as a source of income. Ha! Just seeing if you are still reading this. :) So lately my life has been baby care, calling doctors, harassing receptionists into providing my records, making appointments and making arrangements for EK while I attend all these appointments, trying to hurry up the insurance process for the new medication, and being very crabby.

All of this gets so old. But I must carry on, as well all do when facing life's challenges. Excuse me, I need to end this post. The squirmy baby is awake and hungry!

Tschus

Posse: Assembled

I finally have my post-natal support team assembled! I've visited with my rheumatologist, my counselor and now my pain doctor, as well as my OBGYN of course. All my conditions have been addressed and I'm ready to tackle them once EK gets here.

The last to get on team Bex was my pain doctor. Since I haven't been there in a while, they made me take a drug test. I'm 9+ months pregnant and taking a drug test. It was a little weird but I understand where they are coming from. And since I disclosed everything I do take, nothing illegal or of a narcotic nature, I had nothing to hide. Still, I had an initial reaction of "Really?"

I'm not sure how so many people are abusing prescription pain killers. They don't make it easy to get a hold of them. And in my state, the pharmacies are able to track controlled prescriptions so you can't fill in one place, get another 'script and fill again somewhere else. Yet I still read articles about how people are OD'ing on prescription drugs and how states want to further regulate their use. And from what I have read on this issue, it's not the pain patients who are abusing the drugs. It's people who steal/buy/obtain pain medication without medical need for it. So to combat the addicts who don't need these drugs, we punish the people who do. Isn't that great? I say we legalize marijuana, even though apparently that is the first most abused drug in our nation. At some point, people need to learn to be responsible. If you are going to abuse drugs, you run the risk of killing yourself. I hate to be so cold-hearted, but when someone's addiction directly affects your life, you tend to get bitter and resentful.

Well now, I didn't mean to hop up on a soapbox. I'll go through the hoops because I am not abusing the system. It sucks and it means a lot more driving around, but I will do whatever I have to in order to keep active.

I'm so relieved and thankful to have everything I need all set up and ready to go. Some family members on both sides are facing health issues right now and we are worried for them. But we are thinking positive for everyone and praying for good outcomes. Nothing like a little stress right at the end, eh? :)

Lawd, I see the light!

I went in today for the baby's growth scan, her movement test and my normal medical exam. Peeing in a cup every two weeks is nothing spectacular. But you know, there are ways to make it a little fun. I like to put pictures on my urine cup every time I go. I encourage you all to find ways to make your medical visits a little more silly. I guarantee if they ever think they've lost my sample, all I have to do is say "Look for the cup with a smiley face on it."

Sometimes I do smiley faces, sometimes it's a flower with a smiley face and today it was a sun smiling! I have happy pee.

This baby went from being tiny and only 23% on the growth scale to just plain normal at 54%! Just a month ago she wasn't even 5 lbs and today she is 6 lbs. We're 35.5 weeks in and I can finally see the end coming. Whew!

The last weekend was tough. I managed to take a really wonderful walk in the country on Saturday with Horry; it was beautiful. I also attended a volunteer party with Patton and Ron and walked Tobin a few blocks. It was such an eventful and fun day! My neighbors had me over for their little bonfire and it was fun to sit, chat and eat S'mores. Sunday I did some house work and errands but by the end of the day, I could hardly walk. My legs were so swollen and the knees ached so much. I wanted to cry.

Because of that, I don't want to let things take its course and let the baby come when she may. I know this will set off alarms for all the moms who choose to let their bodies go into labor naturally. However the longer I go, the more limited my mobility becomes. Now if I sit on the couch all day and don't do housework - just SIT - I will be ok. However I don't want to sit on the couch for 5 more weeks, only getting up to eat and go to the bathroom. If I was on bedrest because the baby was in danger, you bet I'd do it. But the baby is doing amazing! She's perfect in fact. If I go for walks, clean my house, run my errands, I risk flu-like fatigue and inflamed joints.

Once I hit 38 weeks, my doctor can go ahead and schedule the induction. But right now we are looking at going into the hospital on the 20th, starting the cervical softener and then starting Pitocin on the 21st. I am so relieved. This means I know when I can start up my RA meds again and I know that we won't be stuck in 1-2 hours of road construction traffic that plagues the weekends here. Those were my two concerns, especially since we live so far from the hospital. Mentally this makes me feel so much better too. No more wondering if we'll go into December or worrying that the weather is going to keep getting colder before I can get my wonder drugs back inside me. Hooray!

Nursery pics here.

That's my news for today! Happy pee and induction in sight. Have a groovy Monday, tschus!

Al and Jane say it best

"In life you have to do a lot of things you don't fucking want to do. Many times, that's what the fuck life is... one vile fucking task after another." -Al Swearengen, Deadwood.

Life isn't always this dramatic or shitty but it certainly can be a challenge. I've been dealing with depression all of my life. I can remember it being bad as far back as 5th grade, when I was a super dorky outcast in my school who had no friends. I even wrote in my diary about how I wished I was dead. Not very chipper! Every time I've tried counseling, I have always quit when it became too painful.

Things changed with my various conditions and issues. Anxiety is now a part of this whole vicious circle. When the pain gets bad, I get anxious because I can't do things like work, clean house, take the dogs for a walk, etc. Then I get depressed, the pain gets worse and things just go from there. I started to really feel out of control when I found out about the pregnancy. All the doubts I've had about myself are amplified now that I know a little human is going to rely on me for everything. Talk about pressure!

I saw a new counselor today who specializes in chronic illnesses. She told me that there are upsides to being chronically ill. I just stared at her and though, ok I'll bite. So I asked her what could possibly be good about it?? She told me that people who face chronic pain and sickness often have more wisdom and patience than those who are healthy. She said we have a different perspective that can be helpful sometimes. I didn't get to discuss this at length with her, as we had a lot to talk about. But perhaps she is right. Maybe we stop and smell the roses a little more than other people? And maybe we appreciate those little things more, like a sunny day, a walk around the neighborhood, a successful outing with friends. I can see how I have more patience now then I did when I was younger and healthier. Now when things turn out less than perfect, I don't get as upset as much or as quickly as I used to. So what? Things have been worse. And probably will be again. No sweat! And sometimes I sit and listen to people's problems and I can instantly see how they are being too hard on themselves. We are indeed, our own worst critics.

I guess I've never looked at things this way before. That doesn't make the frustration, anger and sadness go away instantly. But it helps a little.

There are other things I need to work through but the immediate need is to find ways not to let depression and anxiety take over when my pain flares up. It's so hard because before the pregnancy, it was a cycle of horrible endometrial pain, followed by a fibromyalgia flare and the aches and pains of arthritis thrown into the mix. By the time the cycle had finished, my period would start again. It is hard even for someone who isn't a pessimist like myself to look on the bright side during all that. And I'd get so tired of people saying that even though I feel horrible, at least I look good! Oh yes, because that's all that matters to me. That I look pretty some times. Jeezus.

People who know me in person know that I am no hippy. I don't care for herbal medicine, mainly because I've tried so many things and made myself sicker in the process. However I am pretty excited that this counselor is going to teach me relaxation techniques. When you are experiencing tremendous pain, your body tends to tighten up everywhere. Pretty soon you notice that while the pain started in your gut, for example, it is now radiating all over your back and neck. I'm hoping that this will prevent the spread of pain from tension and stress.

So here I go, back on the emotional roller coaster. Instead of gritting my jaw and pushing down all those fears and anxieties, I'm back to facing them head on. Who knows how long this will take but I'll be damned if I let this shit threaten my relationships anymore. Especially little EK who needs me to be as healthy as I can be, mentally and physically. I want to be ok with the fact that some days I have to be loaded up on pain killers, resting on the couch and letting my kid watch a cartoon, no matter what the American Academy of Pediatrics says right now. Maybe it's just retraining myself to let go of the desire to be a perfectionist in many areas of my life.

I'll just end this now with another quote from one of my other favorite characters from the show Deadwood. Have a great evening, tschus.

"Them what gets cured by Calamity Jane STAYS fuckin' cured."

Tired, tired, tired

It's been a rough couple of weeks. Nothing major but just having a hard time sleeping because of the aches and pains. I find that the RA is flaring up in my face of all places, specifically my jaw. It's hard to eat and laying on my side aggravates it too. But you are supposed to lay on your side so what are ya gonna do? Maybe one of those fancy foam pillows would help.

Also, I did a maternity photo shoot the other day and felt pretty great afterwards, confident that I hadn't overdone it. Wrong. I woke up the next day hardly able to move. From my neck down to my calves, it was nothing but a giant ache. Dinner plans were canceled, I soaked in Epsom salts, put a heating pad on my back and followed up with ice. It got a little better but dumb ass me, in an effort to be all natural on my woes, I took a couple fish oil pills yesterday evening. Wow, big mistake. I forgot how that stuff stimulates the brain! It completely counteracted the sleep medication I take each night. I should have slept hard but instead I didn't feel sleepy all night. I just laid on the couch, dozing every so often. I did get a couple hours of sleep in the morning and another 45 minute nap later today so I guess that's good. I forgot how sensitive my brain is to certain things. Thank you Fibromyalgia. Or should I say, Fuck you.

Another day of Zombie Bex.

I'm not really sure why, maybe it's because of a couple comments I've read here and there, but I feel almost completely disassociated with my former social circles, online and in person. I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere, or maybe I'm too tired to try anymore. It doesn't help that I feel unable to form a creative thought anymore. Maybe that goes away with the pregnancy, who knows. I think the other part of it is that I feel like a big Nobody. I don't want to be just a mom. I want to be a mom who writes, who creates, who has her own interests. Whenever I talk about that, I get so much resistance from people. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "your life ends when your baby's is born." "All you are is her mom now and when she's off to college, you can do XYZ."

So tell me this: why? Is this really how life has to be or is that how some people chose or allowed their lives to be and therefore they perpetuate that crap in order to make themselves feel better? I don't know. I certainly expect her first few years to be very demanding. She is going to need her dad and me a lot because she cannot take care of herself. And I'm going to want to be with her a lot, to experience all those firsts with her.

But her life can be incorporated with my own interests too. She can go on hikes with me. She can go to petting zoos, family days at museums, watch movies, volunteer with the dogs, etc. I think back to when I was a full time step-mom to a 3 1/2 year old. We did lots of fun things together in those 8 years. Certainly kids have a short attention span and you may not get to do everything you want to do when you go out, and you need to incorporate kid friendly activities on your outings, but it is definitely not an either/or lifestyle.

Hell, I finished college and went through graduate school while taking care of a kid. If I choose to go back to school when EK is older, I think that's quite doable. I think everything is easier when you only have one child. Maybe people are thinking of their lives after having more than one kid. Either way, I think the comments along the line of "you will have no life once you have a child" are really negative and unnecessary. And to be honest, I've kind of quit talking to a quite a few people because of this. I'm not mad at anyone but I just don't know how to respond. (I realize this is my fault. I shouldn't let what others say affect me. Different opinions shouldn't bring me down.)

I have some ideas of things I can do that aren't very consuming but will give me immense satisfaction. Once my MIL moves up here, I think I will be able to take about 4 hours a week to do these things. I don't need to be super mom with a big career, trying to do it all. I'm just asking for some time to nurture myself so I can be a better wife and mother. If I just live for other people, who am I? A Stepford wife? I don't know, but what I do feel is that I won't like that person very much.

That being said, I'm so excited to see this baby. Every week when I see her on the ultrasound, I get a little giddy. Last week I cried when I could see her face on the screen. I just never thought this would be possible. I can't wait to see her personality come out, to teach her how to nurture her own interests and talents. How to be a strong woman while facing so many issues on the road to adulthood. We'll play silly games, make up songs and watch cartoons. I'll teach her to bake and cook, to find cool rocks when we're out on walks...all kinds of fun stuff. And I'm sure there will be a lot of days when my body is not going to do jack shit and I'll have to lay on the fucking couch all day. But I'm hoping she will dig watching old Scooby Doo eps or putting puzzles together so mommy can rest. I guess we'll just see how it goes.

I'll end this emo post with a sneak preview of my photo proofs from this week. I am trying to choose five to have edited and am having a hard time narrowing it down. I really wanted something fun, different and pin up for my maternity pictures. Here are a couple that I like.

*Photos are unedited and taken by Vixen Pin Up Photography. All rights for use and distribution are held by Vixen.

Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow and this isn't how things are to be for the next 9 weeks!! Have a good 'un. Tschus.