Update: Miscellaneous Stitchy and Stuff

Well how the hell is everyone? Things here are rolling along, same as usual.

Let me start with finally posting about my piece for the Gay For Eagles show.



The exhibition "will showcase new work and explore issues of war and peace, gender and sexuality." I chose to represent the fight for gay rights with the detonation of an atom bomb, hence the name of the piece, Social Detonation. I guess I simplify things too much, but I don't see how two same sex people getting married or having the same rights I have will really change my life. I think people are afraid of what is unfamiliar to them and some people just have this paranoid feeling that their health insurance premiums will go up if (OMG!) gay people are allowed to get married. Hate to break it to ya, but people who are chronically ill and young like me drive up your insurance. Straight, gay, transgendered, whatever. Can't we all just live our lives in peace?

So on the technical side of things, I have learned that stitching a lot of stitches together will warp your fabric. Thoughts on prevention? My lines are crooked and maybe that's because I didn't use a Q-snap frame and used a round hoop instead. I also learned that submitting for an art show does have some costs involved. There is the cost of materials to make your piece, framing it, commission fees, submission fees and then sending it along with return postage. Seems pretty obvious but not something I thought out entirely. Even so, I am still thrilled to death to be a part of it. I hope my work doesn't stand out because my work is still unrefined and amateur. It took about 30,000 stitches to make my big, gay bomb and I love every imperfect bit of it. :)

I also completed the dreaded sleep study on Monday afternoon. I checked in on Sunday evening and was ushered into what looked like a small motel room. There was a desk, a bed and chair with a tv mounted to the wall. I also had a private bathroom which was nice. A speaker and video camera were hung up on the ceiling which made me feel like I was starring in some weird sleep fetish video but oh well.

I went in looking half way normal and came out looking like hell. I had crusty goop in my hair (adding to the fetish movie feel), a rash on my face from the adhesive and wires and just generally looked scary. I'm going to share a camera photo with you. I tried to grin but it was just a grimace.

Isn't that hot? How anyone thinks I'm attractive, I have no idea.

Anyways, they told me to take my normal sleep medicine and then kept me up until about 11:30 PM, about an hour and a half after taking my meds. If you don't know about Ambien, you kind of have to go to sleep when it hits you good and hard. If you fight it, it just seems to be less effective, in my experience. So I was sitting there, feeling loopy and thinking in my head "don't say penis, don't say penis, don't say penis." (I didn't want to have a spell of Ambienisms with a total stranger so I started spewing about zombie books and movies.) So by the time I was able to lay down and go through their calibration (look up, look down, flex your leg, grind your teeth), I wasn't sleepy anymore.

I dozed on and off until about 2AM when the endo pain built up near my full bladder. I got them to unhook me so I could shuffle to the bathroom and then I took some pain medication and that finally put me to sleep. Of course I had to tell them about this and I got the LOOK. Like, way to fuck up our test with more medication, asshole. Sigh. So about 3AM I was asleep and then they woke me up at 6:00.

They made me lay down and try to nap every two hours. This time it was the day tech and he thought I should get up and wander around the clinic or sit at the desk all day. I told him I wasn't feeling well (pain + no sleep makes Bex feel like shit.) He finally sensed that he was in danger so he let it drop. After the fourth nap, I waited for the doctor to review my brain charts and then they let me go.

I'll never complain about sitting at home all day ever again!!!

It takes about two weeks for them to go through all the data and compile the results. The good news is that I didn't stop breathing in my sleep which means I don't have an apnea. No oxygen mask for me! Because really, do I need something to make me look even less sexy? :)

That's my general update for now. I'm mostly working on training our foster dog so we can find him a good home and then finishing up some other stitching projects. I'm consistently busy which is good!

Tschus!

Lesson learned

Don't post anything deeply personal on Facebook. (And let me just preface this by saying yes, I understand the irony of revealing my inner demons on this blog. But I'm counting on the fact that not too many of you read this. Haha.)

Yesterday I posted, and later deleted, a comment about how I have started applying for disability benefits. Wow, talk about begging to be judged! Silly me, I thought people had been paying attention to the last 4 years worth of posts about endometriosis, autoimmune disease, chronic pain, surgeries, pain pills, physical therapy, etc. I believe that people in general use Facebook to gravitate towards the drama. It's like they zero in on the posts that will make them GASP! and make snap judgments about others. At the very least, that is the only content that they choose to remember.

I had some people post their questions and opinions about the process. In response to a question, I had posted that education is taken into consideration because the more you have, the government feels that you are more likely to be retrained for a different occupation. Therefore my master's degree level of learning could make it harder for me to be approved for benefits. Then again, my health history may eventually win out on that tid bit of information, but this thread was merely conversational and informational.

A well intentioned commenter then posted, asking hadn't I considered or researched ways to be retrained? Surely I would rather be able to do SOMETHING? It would make me feel so much better if I did something.

No. No I just decided one day that I hated my profession (I profession I dedicated myself to since my first museum job at 17) and rather then switch careers, I'd rather just pretend to be sick all the time, waste thousands of dollars on doctors (who I have all fooled with my blood tests, symptoms and x-rays) and then sit on my ass all day feeling sorry for myself while collecting a check from the government. That is SO much easier then changing jobs. And it is so easy to apply for benefits. Why, you just fill out a quick form and BAM! Instant money! Yeah, that's how it works. You don't have to subject every facet of your life to government scrutiny, going through several denials only to get a trial about two years from your filing date.

Sorry for the anger and sarcasm. I have been trying to figure out how to feel better since at least 2006. I mean, aggressively so. I have been going to doctors constantly, I have received diagnoses, and I am trying to find combinations of treatment to help myself. I spent two years at my last job working a modified schedule, removing myself from the really intense physical labor that we sometimes experienced when putting up and taking down exhibits and moving collections. And guess what? Sitting at a desk was painful for me too. I had intense pain in my muscles, from my neck to my rear end. I tried to make my work station more ergonomic, to lessen stress on myself. Nothing worked. I got up and moved every so often, which helped but it didn't stop the fact that I had about two days of 8 hour work and by the third day I could not get out of bed.

Here is another way to look at: I have multiple, chronic conditions. It's akin to a forest fire. A small fire starts, it gathers force and you have to fight it. You put all your resources into smothering the fire and trying to prevent it from coming back. By the time it's under control, you realize that two more small flames have started in other parts of your forest. But one of them is near a housing development so you race over to that one and work on putting that flame out first. Halfway through this new battle, you look over at the concurrent cluster-fuck of fire on the other side of the forest and realize that one is way out of control now so you give up on the yuppie housing complex and let it just go to shit. Now you've run over to the other fire and work to put that out, looking up occasionally to see the other two fires now raging out of control. And this is how life is. Constantly trying to put down a flare only to find that another one, or two, has erupted.

So tell me, what the fuck should I retrain to do? Don't answer that. Because chances are, I've thought of it. I've tried it. I've researched into it. I hope that one day, I can experience less pain, a lot more energy and I dunno, go back to work at least part time. Or feel confident that I am healthy enough to start a family and be able to give time, love and energy to a child. Wouldn't that be swell? As opposed to getting "free" money from the government, at 1/3 of my former salary, because that is such a better alternative.

However, since the disability process can take two years, because they will undoubtedly deny me at the first two levels of application and because I can't work a regular schedule, I need to start this application now. I need to at least try to find a way to bring in extra money to help us afford all my medications and medical appointments. I need to plan for the worst case scenario, which is that I won't return to work.

So my life lesson this week is to not put anything as serious and personal as this on FB. Unless I want ignorant comments and then be put in the position to tell someone to fuck off or to sit there and defend myself. I'll save this journey for my blog, where I can type out everything I'm experiencing and feeling. Because of the blog, art and my photos, I've been able to help others who also are struggling. That in itself is worth continuing my ranting/blathering/babbling.

My suggestion to all those who find themselves wanting to make a judgmental or ignorant comment to someone going through something you know nothing about: get educated. If you want to support your friend, then find out what he or she is going through. You are already on the internet, fingers posed on the "comment" field. So why not take a minute to google your friend's condition? Then after you read a few pages on what it's all about, then go ahead and see if your comment still applies. I will help you in regard to my own issues. Here is a pretty interesting and not too technical study about the link between endometriosis and autoimmune disease, as well as fibromyalgia, allergies and chronic fatigue (all things I experience).

If you've read this far, thank you. I feel better having vented that steam. Tschus.

Zombie Infographic, IMPORTANT!

This is just too awesome not to share. It's from G4, check it out!

Invisible illnesses vs crazy

Well on top of the animal health and behavior issues, I have my own stuff going on. The Cold Virus From Hell is still taking its toll on me, making my sinuses feel like some mafia fuck filled them with cement before dumping me into a river. I managed to finally give it to Mr. Bex who is now unhappily resting in bed. How he managed to fight it off for over a week is amazing. I was probably passed it when I was hanging out in the pain clinic on a Tuesday and by Friday I was full blown sick.

I did manage to get scheduled for a sleep study which will occur soon. I'll get to hang out in my pajamas for about 20 hours. Electrodes + strangers + pajamas = uncomfortable weekend. I'm really interested in what my brain waves will show while I'm trying to sleep and nap. However there is that part of me that is afraid that once again, the tests will show nothing, or maybe just show a slight problem. Nothing definitive. So I'll be back in that grey area between figuring out what is causing my debilitating fatigue and bat-shit crazy.

I am not sure how many times I have wondered if this is all in my head and if I'm just a fucking hypochondriac. I am sure my family and acquaintances have thought as much. I attended my first board meeting for a local heritage group this week. This is the first time I've seen some of my professional contacts since I quit working. It was awkward to try to explain why I wasn't working as an archivist anymore. Of course I heard, "but you look so healthy!" I know I do. I know I look fine. I am glad that I look better than I feel because who wants to look like shit all the time? But on the flip side, I wish people could see the mental and physical pain I feel just once in a while. Not so they feel sorry for me but so they understand a little more. I don't want pity. Just try to know where I'm coming from and understand why I am not where you think I should be in life.

I also heard from my RA doctor who said in no way was the new medication causing me weight gain. But I was free to go off of it and see what happened. Well after having noticeable swelling in my legs for a day or so, I dropped about 4 lbs of water weight in the past week. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. I keep meaning to call back and see if they can try me out on the sulphur drugs but my short term memory is shot. I keep forgetting. Something else odd has happened since I started and then quit the drug. My period was extremely light. I still had pain but nothing like before and no clotting. Wtf. Was it from the drug? Should I stay on it? Lighter periods but gaining a significant amount of water weight in a short period of time. Hmmm. Thank you universe for fucking with me further. I guess I'll see what happens next month. Maybe I'll be back to the same old, same old.

So right now I'm about to hit the hay. I have pain radiating from my ankles down into my toes. Earlier today I had abdominal pain, near my bladder, that had me walking hunched over as if someone was constantly punching me in the gut. I can hardly catch my breath from the congestion and our take-out supper caused me a time-out on the john with horrible intestinal cramps. I did manage a half-ass nap but it was strange. It felt like a huge weight was pushing me into the mattress because I was so exhausted yet I was on the brink of wakefulness the whole time. When I don't type this stuff out, it just seems like another normal day has passed. This is about how it is every day. Wow.

Yikes. Hopefully this next week will see an end to the Cold Virus From Hell so that at least I can get back to my daily walks. I'm also doing a little soul searching and am wondering if I shouldn't remove myself from another situation that is no longer satisfying and/or a positive.

Stay well everyone...tschus.

Update: the animals

The last week has been non-stop stitching and cleaning (more so stitching.) I was so happy to get all levels of the house vacuumed and half the house dusted. I also got the back yard scooped, which was a huge relief. Dogs are, if nothing else, very regular creatures.

On Friday morning I drove Samus the rat to the vet. Overnight she developed a huge lump in her belly area. The vet said it's probably a benign tumor and it needs to come out. These things can grow to be half the size of the animal and it could kill her by its sheer size. Poor Sammie. I took Ashley, her sister, with for the ride. While the vet examined Samus, Ashley tried to climb onto the vet to see what was happening. I know people think rodents are disgusting but rats are very social, inquisitive and pack animals. They cuddle together, groom each other and try to kick a vet's ass during an exam. So, in trying to work out how to budget this, I scheduled her surgery for two weeks. Hopefully we'll be able to squeeze that in among licensing the vehicles and paying taxes.

Fuck.

Also on Friday we picked up our former foster dog. Horr'y is back! So far he's hiding out in the kennel most of the time. There have been some warning growls and a general attitude of distrust but nothing major. I don't know what kind of "training" program he was supposed to be enrolled in but it didn't work. He won't come when called and doesn't seem as socialized as he was before. So we have some work to do. The other dogs are curious about him but not terribly so. Tobin likes to follow him around the yard, peeing on anything Horr'y even looks at.

I'll do some health updates in the next post. Tschus.

Sleepless nights

It's been a hard time for all occupants in this house to catch a good night's sleep lately. Friday night after painting for two hours, I realized that my sore throat wasn't allergies. By Saturday I was a full blown HOT MESS. I would rather have bronchitis again because at least you can get antibiotics for that. However, there isn't much you can do for a cold.

On top of this snot fest, my RA and Fibro flared up. It feels like I've been body slammed a few times by an infamous professional wrestler, such as Jake the Snake or Jimmy "Super Fly" Snuka. (I admit it: When I was a kid, I watched wrestling twice a week for like two years. Yeah.)

Nyquil works on me for about one night. After that, I seem able to succumb to its nasal-clearing coma for only a few hours. After being awoken by uncomfortable and unattractive mouth breathing, I decided to hit the decongestant spray hard and take to the couch. Amazingly, none of my dogs got up.

My sleep deprived spouse asked me to shut the door on my way out in case I wanted to turn on the tv. About an hour later I had finally fallen back asleep with a tissue tampon shoved up one nostril. And then Sadie demanded to be let out of the bedroom, waking up my spouse again. I swear, this dog won't get up to get a drink of water all night when the door is open. But close it for one hour and all the sudden she is dying of thirst. So now all the dogs are up and wondering why I'm on the couch. Thinking they only wanted water, spouse goes back to bed.

Then Sadie starts stomping and panting around the living room. Stomp, stomp, pant, pant, stomp. I heard her plop down and prayed she would go to sleep. Since I wasn't getting up, she worked a little harder by stomping on the bit of linoleum next to the front door. STOMP CLICK CLICK STOMP PANT CLICK PANT STOMP CLICK. Jeezus just strike me dead!!

After a bathroom break, there was paw licking, intense staring into my face, some more panting...Good times. After Mr. Bex left for work, I was able to get a nice nap until I heard the rats in the next room gnawing on the bars of their cage because they hadn't been fed yet.

It's a miracle that everyone is still alive right now.

Here's to hoping tonight is dull, quiet and unconscious. Tschus.

WTF@#!

Ok my weight: 170lbs.  I have given in and now I will track every single morsel that is vacuumed into my body.  My pants are tight and my personality is bitchy and depressed.  I haven't been eating well, let's be honest.  My idea of a portion size is filling up half my plate.  To my credit, I have been active at least 5 days a week, even increasing the size of the weights I use during my circuit training.

It doesn't help that I started a medication in the last month that can make people gain weight quickly.  Of course, I hadn't bothered to look that up in the beginning, nor did I make the connection to the weight gain during weeks when I ate well.  I'll let my rheumatologist know, but if this drug helps (I'll know in another two months) I fee like a superficial person giving up a medicine that can help me just because it makes me gain weight.  But then again, maybe a 6 lb gain in one month is bad and she will take me off it.

I'm also not happy that I have been unable to manage my sinus issues.  I'm going to finally have the sinus surgery.  I can't breathe anymore, the nasal sprays are very irritating to my head and they cost a pretty penny.  Of course I have no idea how we are going to pay for another fucking surgery.  We're still paying on the last one.  My employer really fucked us over by switching insurance and HR companies in the middle of the year and I was unable to use my FSA that I had saved for it.  Now we don't have an FSA at all, which really stinks.

I just want us to be able to get ahead which feels impossible when I keep accumulating medical bills.  I'm lucky that I'm married to someone who is supportive and not resentful.  But I feel terrible about it and it just helps to push the depression even deeper.

Sorry to be a never-ending source of MEH but I just need to put this down and then move on.  I'm just going to voice my fears, anger and emo so I can move onto finding solutions to my problems.  And I know we'll figure it out and things will be fine.  But can I just say that this FUCKING SUCKS???  Whew.  Ok, carry on.

Tschus.

Strength and Pain

Lois Ann, b. January 26, 1946, d. March 5, 1984

There isn't a lot to say that I haven't said before. I'm still trying to find a balance between holding onto memories of her and letting go of the pain. When you only have 7 years with someone so dear to you, you tend to hold onto every little memory you can. Even if those memories are extremely painful. Because much of my memories were retained from her sick years, it's a bit hard to think back on anything pleasant.

So here are some things I remember about her:

She took some photography lessons and one of my brothers and I were the test subjects for several shots. I forgot about that until I dug through some photos this morning. Guess I know where I got that from!

She sewed a lot and did a lot of needlework. I picked that up too.

She was very passionate about things and took everything personally. (This is what I've been told but that also would explain a lot of my behavior.)

She loved to talk to her friends on the phone. I picked up my dad's antisocial tendencies instead.

She was incredibly strong. She held on for four years after her diagnosis. I remember her shopping for wigs. I remember her prosthetic bras. I remember her explaining to me that she was going to die soon.

She really loved her family. She was an amazing mother and I always felt a lot of love from her.

I have a very hard time seeing her sisters because they all remind me so much of her. I remember all the aunts and uncles visiting our house and later only realizing they did so because they knew she would soon be gone.

Well, I think I'll just stop right there. I wrote far more then I had intended. Here are some photos I dug out today. Sorry if this is disjointed.  Tschus.

Mom, my sister and I.  I was maybe 5?

I often found her lying down on the couch, too tired to move around but still wanting to interact with all of us.

Easter.  Hey, it was bright outside.

When she wasn't resting, she was in the kitchen.  Cooking, on the phone or just relaxing.

We went on this outdoor adventure to pick chokecherries.  I was mad at my dad because he wouldn't let us stay over night.  

I have no idea when this was taken.  I like the plaid slacks and the poofy shirt.

The chokecherry trip, referenced above.  It was resting time again.  I think this was in May 1983.

Stitchy goodness

It's been a very busy time, stitch-wise. I've had some requests to do patterns that other artists sell. I've also done a few custom requests. I love doing the custom pieces a lot because they force me to be creative and figure out how to put someone's idea into a finished piece.

I was approached by the person who runs Evil Dead News to recreate the Home Sweet Home sampler hanging in the cabin from the movie Evil Dead 2. So after watching the movie again and some internet surfing, I was able to come up with a pretty good representation:





For something seemingly simple, it did take a while to stitch up. I can't wait to get another one made and hung up next to our front door!

I also had a request for someone's massage business. She incorporates a wrench into her logo (body repair) and wanted to combine the wrench with her dog, Hank, who is a Boston Terrier. This is what I came up with:



This request was for a penguin and a Fuck Cancer piece, that is actually a combination of patterns by Julie Jackson. I chose to do the Linux penguin and gently censored the Fuck Cancer piece on request.



I also re-stitched one of my more offensive pieces to swap with someone. I love this piece because it's so pretty and so funny. :)



I have patterns and pieces for the Evil Dead sampler and the Ass piece on my Etsy.

So I guess this is what I'm doing now full time. I spend anywhere from four to nine hours a day stitching and/or creating patterns. I finally emailed my family about my career change and sent them a link to my Etsy shop. My dad is the only one who said anything. He told me that he is really impressed with my stitching and said my mom would have been really proud of me. That's the best thing he could have ever said to me. I was worried that he would be disappointed in me but he's so supportive. My mom was pretty handy with a needle and she made me this before she died: (It's the big alphabet sampler.)



That's all I needed to hear to know that I'm on the right path. My dad is awesome and I love him a lot. I just hope he doesn't log back onto my Etsy now that I put up the Ass pattern. Heh.

That's what's up in my stitching world. Next up is an art piece for the Gay for Eagles show in North Carolina. My first art show. I need to get stitching!

Take care everyone...tschus.

PS
I just noticed that someone added the Evil Dead sampler to an Etsy treasury called The Farm House. I don't think they know my cute little cabin is from a horror movie. Heh.