Almost a year

It's been almost a year now since Sebastian died. I hoped we'd be pregnant again by now, and maybe the pain would not be so intense for the first anniversary. But that's just not happening. I don't know why my body isn't working but that's life. All I know is that I miss him, I miss the life we should have had with him and I'm still trying to live life fully, to honor him. It really does feel like a hole in your heart that never heals.

To sum up what it feels like, I am posting a very personal, awful photo. This picture really represents what every day feels like inside me. The nurse took this picture for Mimi to have of her with SJ. She was kind of baby talking with him and I fell apart. My daughter was in the room at this time and had no clue what was going on. Everyone left right after this because I was so upset.

I'm not sure what else to say but just getting this out of my brain and onto a blog will hopefully lessen some of the intensity of my grief. I can always hope, right?

Tschus.

I'm a work in progress

I cannot tell you how many times I've started and stopped a blog post. My insular existence really didn't hit me until I looked through my computer for digital pictures. They almost completely end around December 2013. There were some in July and October but really, I have so little. I quit blogging and quit taking pictures of all of us, especially myself. My last pregnancy was bad the whole way through and it ended so terribly. I haven't been talking to anyone, especially since my mother-in-law died. She was one of my closest friends.

So here I am! I thankfully have been doing some creative things, mainly stitching related. You can see more of that at www.nodakbex.wix.com/DemonMonkeyCraft . I completely re-branded the name and feel of what I do to more adequately reflect the majority themes of my work. I hope you will stop by there and take a peek.

Depression is a cruel thing. Due to eating as a way of coping, and some medications, I'm a good 25 pounds overweight. So I quit taking pics of myself and quit leaving the house. For real, I rarely go out. It's pretty pathetic. So once again, I am hoping to turn the blog into a method of venting so I quit eating. Maybe I can lose some damn weight finally!

But the best news? We're moving. From Kansas to Colorado. I hope the great outdoors will reinvigorate my spirit and my health. I look forward to many nature walks with the kiddo and pups. And some good winter snow! Snowmen, snow forts, snow shoes, hot tubbin' in the cold weather! I look forward to it all!

So that's my grand update for now. I am hanging in there and keeping myself busy with house stuff. Going to list this sucker in a little over a week. Yikes!!

Undone

No more babies. Other than my daughter, my life seems to be shit.