Here it comes. The GRIEF. The staring into nothingness and the aching, painful feeling that something very important is missing. My baby is missing. My baby died about 6 days before scheduled delivery. My baby is gone.
After my mother died, I carried grief and pain with me for a long time. Almost 30 years, in fact. I just got to the point where I can think of her without feeling that heavy sadness. And then my baby dies and I never knew that there was emotional pain that could hurt so much. I don't know why he died. I do know there is much to get off my chest and it's not all going to be in this post. I can only deal with so much at a time.
The service was nice and brief. It went as well as it could. I tried to hold things together and succeeded, more or less. Now that all the family have left, I am left with the quiet, minus whatever output my toddler throws out. So the grief is rising to the surface and I am trying to let things run its course, but at the same time I am fighting it back because I don't want to feel. I want so badly to not feel anything but I know I have to. So I will deal with it, a little at a time.
This is the poem I wrote for my little baby, whose soul I am sure is safe in Heaven, secure with my mom.
To My Beloved Son
Dear beloved son, Sebastian, I wanted so much to meet you. To watch the unfolding of your magnificent spirit. To see you smile and hear your laughter. To watch you accomplish your dreams. But it was not meant to be in this world.
My heart aches and my spirit broken in pieces. Waves of anger meet in pools of black sorrow, Where I fear I will drown in my grief. Never have I known such soul-wrenching pain.
Why were you taken before your first sweet breath, Never given the chance to exist beyond my body? Small comfort lies in our belief that you are not alone. You are safe, my beloved, and free from pain and sorrows; Warm and happy in my mother's eternal embrace.
It is your survivors who must endure and live fully, in your honor. We will carry on with life, in laughter, tears and love, Taking no one and nothing for granted. Our hearts and spirits forever full of love for you, our beloved boy.
