It's been a rough couple of weeks. Nothing major but just having a hard time sleeping because of the aches and pains. I find that the RA is flaring up in my face of all places, specifically my jaw. It's hard to eat and laying on my side aggravates it too. But you are supposed to lay on your side so what are ya gonna do? Maybe one of those fancy foam pillows would help.
Also, I did a maternity photo shoot the other day and felt pretty great afterwards, confident that I hadn't overdone it. Wrong. I woke up the next day hardly able to move. From my neck down to my calves, it was nothing but a giant ache. Dinner plans were canceled, I soaked in Epsom salts, put a heating pad on my back and followed up with ice. It got a little better but dumb ass me, in an effort to be all natural on my woes, I took a couple fish oil pills yesterday evening. Wow, big mistake. I forgot how that stuff stimulates the brain! It completely counteracted the sleep medication I take each night. I should have slept hard but instead I didn't feel sleepy all night. I just laid on the couch, dozing every so often. I did get a couple hours of sleep in the morning and another 45 minute nap later today so I guess that's good. I forgot how sensitive my brain is to certain things. Thank you Fibromyalgia. Or should I say, Fuck you.
Another day of Zombie Bex.
I'm not really sure why, maybe it's because of a couple comments I've read here and there, but I feel almost completely disassociated with my former social circles, online and in person. I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere, or maybe I'm too tired to try anymore. It doesn't help that I feel unable to form a creative thought anymore. Maybe that goes away with the pregnancy, who knows. I think the other part of it is that I feel like a big Nobody. I don't want to be just a mom. I want to be a mom who writes, who creates, who has her own interests. Whenever I talk about that, I get so much resistance from people. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "your life ends when your baby's is born." "All you are is her mom now and when she's off to college, you can do XYZ."
So tell me this: why? Is this really how life has to be or is that how some people chose or allowed their lives to be and therefore they perpetuate that crap in order to make themselves feel better? I don't know. I certainly expect her first few years to be very demanding. She is going to need her dad and me a lot because she cannot take care of herself. And I'm going to want to be with her a lot, to experience all those firsts with her.
But her life can be incorporated with my own interests too. She can go on hikes with me. She can go to petting zoos, family days at museums, watch movies, volunteer with the dogs, etc. I think back to when I was a full time step-mom to a 3 1/2 year old. We did lots of fun things together in those 8 years. Certainly kids have a short attention span and you may not get to do everything you want to do when you go out, and you need to incorporate kid friendly activities on your outings, but it is definitely not an either/or lifestyle.
Hell, I finished college and went through graduate school while taking care of a kid. If I choose to go back to school when EK is older, I think that's quite doable. I think everything is easier when you only have one child. Maybe people are thinking of their lives after having more than one kid. Either way, I think the comments along the line of "you will have no life once you have a child" are really negative and unnecessary. And to be honest, I've kind of quit talking to a quite a few people because of this. I'm not mad at anyone but I just don't know how to respond. (I realize this is my fault. I shouldn't let what others say affect me. Different opinions shouldn't bring me down.)
I have some ideas of things I can do that aren't very consuming but will give me immense satisfaction. Once my MIL moves up here, I think I will be able to take about 4 hours a week to do these things. I don't need to be super mom with a big career, trying to do it all. I'm just asking for some time to nurture myself so I can be a better wife and mother. If I just live for other people, who am I? A Stepford wife? I don't know, but what I do feel is that I won't like that person very much.
That being said, I'm so excited to see this baby. Every week when I see her on the ultrasound, I get a little giddy. Last week I cried when I could see her face on the screen. I just never thought this would be possible. I can't wait to see her personality come out, to teach her how to nurture her own interests and talents. How to be a strong woman while facing so many issues on the road to adulthood. We'll play silly games, make up songs and watch cartoons. I'll teach her to bake and cook, to find cool rocks when we're out on walks...all kinds of fun stuff. And I'm sure there will be a lot of days when my body is not going to do jack shit and I'll have to lay on the fucking couch all day. But I'm hoping she will dig watching old Scooby Doo eps or putting puzzles together so mommy can rest. I guess we'll just see how it goes.
I'll end this emo post with a sneak preview of my photo proofs from this week. I am trying to choose five to have edited and am having a hard time narrowing it down. I really wanted something fun, different and pin up for my maternity pictures. Here are a couple that I like.
*Photos are unedited and taken by Vixen Pin Up Photography. All rights for use and distribution are held by Vixen.
Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow and this isn't how things are to be for the next 9 weeks!! Have a good 'un. Tschus.
