To the future Bex: A reminder

Well I haven't felt much like blogging these days. There are a few reasons, mostly revolving around an extreme paranoia of being judged as a bad mom or as a whiny idiot.

But I thought I should record some of this in the event I ever get crazy enough to consider being pregnant again, not that I made a conscience decision this time to do it.

About two weeks ago I noticed the joints of my knees really grinding together and causing pain. I attributed it to the walks I enjoy taking when I feel well. Then the weather got cold and the pain started radiating through my fingers. Ankles came next, then the hips. I have a lot of swelling especially in my legs after I am on my feet for a while or I go for walks. So I went back to the Rheumatologist who told me around 50% of women with RA go into remission during pregnancy. Umm, that's great...for THEM. I'm back on steroids now and am feeling insanely hungry again. Not just sort of hungry. But ravenous! Add that to the second trimester cravings and you have a crazy eating machine.

So when my body goes through a painful flare, I find that unconsciously I change my posture to compensate for the pain in my joints. Therefore I'm carrying my body unnaturally, putting strain on my muscles. That in turn causes a fibromyalgia flare and now just putting the tiniest pressure on my muscles causes a very painful response. Fucking hell!

Try explaining this to your doctors who already treat every pain patient like a junkie hypochondriac. Add a pregnancy in that and you have the air of a preggo pain pill addict looking for a fix. It took me all day to explain to the OB nurse yesterday that I already had some mild pain pills and are they safe to take at this stage in the pregnancy until this flare goes away? She thought I was looking for a prescription and told me to call my Rheumatologist. I don't want a prescription, I just want to know if what I have is safe to take. If I was addicted to the damn things, I wouldn't have any left because I would have taken them all by now. I've had them for 5 months!

I think I'll go back to the pain doctor because perhaps he can at least prescribe massages and maybe that's covered by insurance. I don't know, hopefully there is something safe and natural I can do to help this if the flare doesn't resolve itself soon. Plus I'll give this prenatal yoga dvd a try.

I know as a pregnant woman I have much more at stake than just my own health. I'm asking questions, not taking anything unless I have to and only if one of my doctors tells me it's ok. And I understand why pregnant women are told to suck it up when they have aches and pains. But what if you have chronic pain and then get pregnant? How do you "suck it up?" What if you are part of the 50% who do not go into remission?

I hate people, especially those in positions of authority over others who view things in a black and white context. Can you tell I'm frustrated?

In other news, to the future Bex, at least the nausea is pretty much gone. I can eat all kinds of foods now instead of broiled chicken and rice. My belly is starting to pop out and I've put back on the few pounds that I lost.

Six more months to go. Hopefully this flare will go away soon and I'll be pain free for a few months, until I'm too huge to be comfortable. I know I can do this, I just wish I felt that I had more support. No one really understands. I don't blame them for not getting it but I hate to be dismissed.

Anyways, my fingers are killing me so I'll stop here. So future me, when you have this cute, wriggling little being in your arms and think awwww that wasn't so bad, well just remember ADOPTION. Also I'd like to throw in the word VASECTOMY too. And remember the PREGNANCY RAGE you experienced as well as the explosive DIARRHEA and intense DRY HEAVING. It will all be worth it future Bex, but perhaps the aforementioned ADOPTION will be best if you two crazy cats want more kids.