I cannot tell you how many times I've started and stopped a blog post. My insular existence really didn't hit me until I looked through my computer for digital pictures. They almost completely end around December 2013. There were some in July and October but really, I have so little. I quit blogging and quit taking pictures of all of us, especially myself. My last pregnancy was bad the whole way through and it ended so terribly. I haven't been talking to anyone, especially since my mother-in-law died. She was one of my closest friends.
So here I am! I thankfully have been doing some creative things, mainly stitching related. You can see more of that at www.nodakbex.wix.com/DemonMonkeyCraft . I completely re-branded the name and feel of what I do to more adequately reflect the majority themes of my work. I hope you will stop by there and take a peek.
Depression is a cruel thing. Due to eating as a way of coping, and some medications, I'm a good 25 pounds overweight. So I quit taking pics of myself and quit leaving the house. For real, I rarely go out. It's pretty pathetic. So once again, I am hoping to turn the blog into a method of venting so I quit eating. Maybe I can lose some damn weight finally!
But the best news? We're moving. From Kansas to Colorado. I hope the great outdoors will reinvigorate my spirit and my health. I look forward to many nature walks with the kiddo and pups. And some good winter snow! Snowmen, snow forts, snow shoes, hot tubbin' in the cold weather! I look forward to it all!
So that's my grand update for now. I am hanging in there and keeping myself busy with house stuff. Going to list this sucker in a little over a week. Yikes!!
I can't tell you how hard it's been the last few months to sit down and try to write a blog post. It's no secret how over-sensitive I am. I've come to learn that I have a higher than average level of empathy. I absorb the feelings of people around me and I also take criticism very hard. I am learning to let things roll off my back though, but it still takes me about two weeks to finally get to that point!
So what the hell have I been up to? I've been trying to understand and deal with my diagnosis of major recurring depression and anxiety. I think anyone who knows me is not surprised at this at all. I knew I had depression, not so much the anxiety though, but I didn't know how bad the depression was. I didn't want to deal with it. I wanted to die when I was in 5th grade because none of the kids would talk to me. I was some how "uncool" that year and teased and ignored by every single kid. It was horrible. I would go home where my father was gone every weekend with his girl friend. I was alone a LOT. I just wanted to die and be with my mother, that's all I wanted. High school was full of ups and downs. I remember being asked to Homecoming by this cute guy who was kind of a bad boy. I didn't know you were supposed to get a really nice dress for Homecoming so I wore a sweater and a skirt. We got to the dance and he didn't want to dance. We just stood there awkwardly. Then he wanted to leave and find a party to get drunk. I didn't drink so I didn't want to go. So he left me there and drove Main all night. I think my dad had to come get me. I cried all night, sneaked some of my dad's amaretto and took a bunch of cold pills. I also cut myself some times on my hands. So yeah, why I am surprised at having major depression is so dumb when I think about it. You tend to get tunnel vision when the "normal" for you is so dysfunctional. You can't see or understand anything else. My baby has been the catalyst to finally fucking DEAL with it. I have been in and out of therapy and on and off meds since high school. The stigma of being called "crazy" prevented me from sticking with it. And of course, the intense pain that therapy brings up is what made me call it quits so many times. I talked to my sister a bit recently about it all. She told me I shouldn't be ashamed, blah blah. Rationally I know that. But my family NEVER talked about anything after my mom died. We just quit smiling, quit talking, quit spending time together. I can't convey to anyone just how very lonely it was for me as a 7 year old to grow up without a lot of warmth, happiness or togetherness. My sister said something that made me feel like she really understood now. She said, "you saw a lot of fucked up things when you were little."
I'm sure there are people who think at 35 I shouldn't be having these revelations. Things were so buried but they are finally coming out. It's not easy telling my sister that I tried to kill myself when I was 20. I don't want her to feel upset at learning this stuff. But at the same time, maybe someone in my family should know.
The trials and errors of finding the right combination of medications to deal with my mental health as well as the other conditions have been quite the roller coaster. Friends whom I know in person, and those internet ones I've talked to for years, understand. They've been there for me and now that I feel a lot better mentally, I'm able to really be there for them now. The people online who have been cruel, who haven't been able to forgive me for acting so crazy or just plain weird, can go fuck themselves. I don't care how that sounds because it feels so damn good to say it. I've always tried to be so PC, to always think of the feelings of others, to not create waves, but there is a point where I just don't give a shit anymore. I think some people enjoy holding something over you even after you apologize because it gives them power and control. I think that's sick. It feels good to stand up for myself finally.
All this...shit has been quite a long and exhausting process. And I'm still going through it, but am able to deal with the painful and intense emotions better. If you've read this far and still love me, thank you. I appreciate your friendship and look forward to giving back the love and patience you've shown me.
I deactivated my Facebook account for a while. Why? Well, like the relationship status: it's complicated. In a nutshell, I didn't want to continually go on there, posting my lamentations of my baby blues and sleepless nights. I feel like I should be posting sickeningly sweet updates about how happy I am and how amazing my baby is. Don't get me wrong: she is perfect, precious and a gift from God. I can't imagine life without her. I don't want a life without her. But I feel like I'm dog paddling in circles in sub-zero waters, barely keeping my head above water and my limbs are going numb.
The automatic judging one feels when pregnant is nothing compared to what she feels when the baby is now born. Sometimes the flood of advice is really overwhelming because so much of it contradicts each other. When a new mother's brain is scattered, to say the least, from lack of sleep, the outpouring of conflicting advice is like trying to take a college final after a 48 hour bender with no sleep. But worse. Because I've done the finals hungover and they were nothing compared to this.
After another night of EK screeching, thrashing and refusing to be comforted, I sat up and just cried. My husband said, "Well this is just how it is for now and it's going to suck for a couple months. Everyone tells me that is how things will be." My reply, "No one told me it would be this bad. Everyone told me how blissful I would feel, how in love I would be and how I should enjoy this time. But you know what? I don't feel joyful or blissful. This sucks and I feel horrible for not finding it a happy time. I don't know what she wants half the time, I feel like I can never put her down, I love her and feel a rush of emotion every time I look at her but I hate this." We determined that even experienced mothers have told my husband how bad this time can be but no one tells that to me, the mother. Were they trying to spare me the reality? Or do some mothers just blank this period out to the point where all they recall is the lovey dovey moments? I have no idea. But I just feel like we set women up to fail over and over again by making them think it's not ok to admit to the world that at times, yes, this experience sucks ass.
Recently a local, popular meteorologist, committed suicide. I have watched this morning show since I moved here and it was the most popular morning news show in the area. This man was always so happy, cracking wise. His death was shocking and combined with some postpartum depression, really set me off in a funk. At first it was just sadness and shock and then anger. I'm angry because he gave up. Some of us are still putting up the good fight, determined not to give in to depression and let it bowl us over, fuck up our families. But he gave in and took his life. And if someone so successful and who seemed to have it all could throw in the towel, what's that say for the rest of us?
So I realized that, like this man, I also use humor to hide what's really going on. I make fun of myself to try and find the bright side of life, to make light of heavy situations and to make others laugh. Maybe that's why he seemed so happy. He was also trying to deflect attention off his dark side through humor. And so instead of coming out to people and saying, "jeezus this infant stage really sucks. I'm not having an easy time of it and I am struggling," I just withdraw from people rather than have it pointed out to me that I'm not acting the way society tells me I should be.
Before you call CPS on me, just know that I am seeing a counselor, I have alerted my doctors that I'm not all roses and rainbows right now and we are on top of this. I have no thoughts of harming myself or others. I deeply love and adore my baby. I'm so grateful that she's healthy and in our lives. I just don't do well without continuous, night time sleep. I feared this would happen and that it would be this hard. And yes, maybe I should never had a child if my health was so fucked up. But regardless of the shoulds and woulds, she is here. This is my reality and now that I have experienced it, I can honestly say my support system is not working. It's lacking.
What I don't need to hear right now is that this is a GOOD kind of tired because it's the blissful baby causing my lack of sleep. Lack of sleep is lack of sleep. In fact, it's worse when the lack of sleep coincides with a baby who is crying and fussing for six solid hours. What I will take from this is that all new parents should be told that yes, you will love your baby unconditionally. But there may be times you don't really like your baby. And those times are just when she is screaming in your face, inconsolable. But when she's calm again, you realize that you still love her and will do anything to protect and care for her. And this is normal and ok to experience.
So my next steps are to find a moms group or a church community that has support systems in place for new mothers. I knew most of my acquaintances wouldn't be able or willing to help me during the day so this is not a new revelation. I did try the "sleep when she sleeps" thing but that is very hard when you have a sleep disorder on top of chronic health conditions. Today, for instance, I had to be out the door by 7:45AM to drive the 20 miles to the pain clinic. I'll have to do that every month to renew my medications. I have to check in at least every two months with my rheumatologist to make sure my blood counts are ok so I can continue my RA meds. I'm still trying to get set up with a new mail order pharmacy that my insurance requires me to use because, for whatever reason, they just don't want me to go down to the local Walgreens to fill my RA drug. It has to be mailed from a specialty pharmacy. And I'm due for a shot next week so I am using my daylight hours to hound the necessary schmucks into getting that done for me on time. Then there is the debacle of the drug test company that my pain clinic requires its patients to use sporadically. The test costs $500 and for some reason they were given the wrong insurance information for me. So there was an hour on the phone trying to straighten that out. I've also got to carve out time to drive 35 miles to see my neurologist and then there is the visits to the counselor to help keep my head above the raging waters. Add that to the upcoming one month check up for EK and my postpartum check up to my OB. That's JUST my medical shit. That's not to mention trying to make time for visitors and to do the very basic household chores such as keeping up on dishes, sterilizing bottles, scooping dog poop, paying bills and scheduling the furnace guy to come in and fix the humidifier. So really, even if I could nap, when is there time? I know millions of women before me have worked out a balance and I need to find mine too. I just haven't yet.
So why deactivate FB? Because I wear my heart on my sleeve and eventually, no matter how I try not to, I will end up posting something like this blog all over there and come off as a big whiner and an ungrateful jerk. And I can't rely on people on social media to help me out because they can't. I need people in person who can listen to me, give me a hug, spend time with me and maybe come over and sit while I try to sleep or get some time to myself. (Although I will terribly miss my interactions with my stitching group, the EFU. You guys know who you are. I love you guys and I regret that this means time away from you all.) And quite honestly, I'm really saddened and disappointed that people have substituted fucking Facebook for real interactions with their friends. I have a few wonderful and amazing people that know better and we call each other, email and keep in touch. And then there are people I have known in person for a long time that I have yet to hear from. Oh sure, they have made a few "likes" on my page and some comments here and there. But no calls. No visits. I think that's so sad.
So I'm taking a break until I can get myself mentally in a better place. Then I'll go back to not giving a flying fuck what happens on Facebook. Once I have some people in real life that I can turn to, things will get easier. And time will help EK learn the ropes on when to sleep and when to be awake.
So there is the long, drawn out reason why my account is gone. I'll be back eventually. Could be a few days, could be a couple months. Until then, I'm sure I'll continue to blog and Twitter because Tweeting is so less complicated and dramatic.
"In life you have to do a lot of things you don't fucking want to do. Many times, that's what the fuck life is... one vile fucking task after another." -Al Swearengen, Deadwood.
Life isn't always this dramatic or shitty but it certainly can be a challenge. I've been dealing with depression all of my life. I can remember it being bad as far back as 5th grade, when I was a super dorky outcast in my school who had no friends. I even wrote in my diary about how I wished I was dead. Not very chipper! Every time I've tried counseling, I have always quit when it became too painful.
Things changed with my various conditions and issues. Anxiety is now a part of this whole vicious circle. When the pain gets bad, I get anxious because I can't do things like work, clean house, take the dogs for a walk, etc. Then I get depressed, the pain gets worse and things just go from there. I started to really feel out of control when I found out about the pregnancy. All the doubts I've had about myself are amplified now that I know a little human is going to rely on me for everything. Talk about pressure!
I saw a new counselor today who specializes in chronic illnesses. She told me that there are upsides to being chronically ill. I just stared at her and though, ok I'll bite. So I asked her what could possibly be good about it?? She told me that people who face chronic pain and sickness often have more wisdom and patience than those who are healthy. She said we have a different perspective that can be helpful sometimes. I didn't get to discuss this at length with her, as we had a lot to talk about. But perhaps she is right. Maybe we stop and smell the roses a little more than other people? And maybe we appreciate those little things more, like a sunny day, a walk around the neighborhood, a successful outing with friends. I can see how I have more patience now then I did when I was younger and healthier. Now when things turn out less than perfect, I don't get as upset as much or as quickly as I used to. So what? Things have been worse. And probably will be again. No sweat! And sometimes I sit and listen to people's problems and I can instantly see how they are being too hard on themselves. We are indeed, our own worst critics.
I guess I've never looked at things this way before. That doesn't make the frustration, anger and sadness go away instantly. But it helps a little.
There are other things I need to work through but the immediate need is to find ways not to let depression and anxiety take over when my pain flares up. It's so hard because before the pregnancy, it was a cycle of horrible endometrial pain, followed by a fibromyalgia flare and the aches and pains of arthritis thrown into the mix. By the time the cycle had finished, my period would start again. It is hard even for someone who isn't a pessimist like myself to look on the bright side during all that. And I'd get so tired of people saying that even though I feel horrible, at least I look good! Oh yes, because that's all that matters to me. That I look pretty some times. Jeezus.
People who know me in person know that I am no hippy. I don't care for herbal medicine, mainly because I've tried so many things and made myself sicker in the process. However I am pretty excited that this counselor is going to teach me relaxation techniques. When you are experiencing tremendous pain, your body tends to tighten up everywhere. Pretty soon you notice that while the pain started in your gut, for example, it is now radiating all over your back and neck. I'm hoping that this will prevent the spread of pain from tension and stress.
So here I go, back on the emotional roller coaster. Instead of gritting my jaw and pushing down all those fears and anxieties, I'm back to facing them head on. Who knows how long this will take but I'll be damned if I let this shit threaten my relationships anymore. Especially little EK who needs me to be as healthy as I can be, mentally and physically. I want to be ok with the fact that some days I have to be loaded up on pain killers, resting on the couch and letting my kid watch a cartoon, no matter what the American Academy of Pediatrics says right now. Maybe it's just retraining myself to let go of the desire to be a perfectionist in many areas of my life.
I'll just end this now with another quote from one of my other favorite characters from the show Deadwood. Have a great evening, tschus.
"Them what gets cured by Calamity Jane STAYS fuckin' cured."
