Ok, since I'm home a lot I must admit that I watch a lot of television. There's good and bad out there. But right now I'm loving Impractical Jokers, on truTV. I normally don't laugh out loud when watching a show, so you know it's funny if I'm near tears from laughter. Have you seen this show yet? What do you think? I like it because no one gets hurt and no one is humiliated in a bad way so I don't feel bad watching it. Definitely not like Jack Ass. Check them out!
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Life at 36 Weeks
My life at 36 weeks:
*It feels like someone is repeatedly kicking me in the genitals and, when the flesh is good and raw, pouring hot sauce all over it. You can add this to the Wish I Had Known list of shit that happens to a pregnant woman's body.
*Add the above to hemorrhoids. I don't think I need to elaborate on this.
*Skin tags and moles! Oh joy! They are popping up EVERYWHERE! By the end of this pregnancy, I'm afraid I'll look like the demon who ate kittens in the series Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
*Back aches. Holy hell that one sucks. And it's not just where you would expect either. Because the top part of my body is so scrawny, I seem to lack the muscles to hold myself upright properly. By the end of the day, the muscles and nerves between my shoulder blades are screaming. It's definitely a fibro symptom because I've had similar flares in that area. Add the lower back to it and I'll soon be able to add my name to the list of eligible, hunchbacked side kicks.
*Gastric functions are at an all time high. I've never had heartburn in my life until this. And it reached a new level a few weeks ago with horrible pain. It felt like a geyser of acid threatening to shoot out of my mouth. I imagine it to be like the blood from the Alien creatures; whomever comes near me will risk being hit by a torrent of acidic, hot liquid which can eat through organic, fleshy materials and metals. Thankfully, there is a mint-infused version of Zantac that is safe to take and it almost completely eradicates this threat to all humanity. And yes, you can take that as a product endorsement.
*Hormonal? OH JUST A LITTLE. I can go from crying to wanting to molest my husband in about 5 seconds. Not to mention, I'm also impatient and crabby. We're definitely riding the crazy train here.
*Brain power and coordination are greatly diminished. It almost seems like a cruel joke from Mother Nature to make a creature so goddamn clumsy but who also finds it almost impossible to bend over. I can't even guess how many things I've dropped on the floor only to find it excruciatingly difficult to retrieve. (I huff and I puff and I BEEEENNNNNNNND my ass over.) Also it is hard to find the words to express myself or form complete thoughts. A thesaurus wouldn't even help me because I don't even have one word I can bring forth from my brain to look up. "What's another word for that thing?" *points* "That THING over there? Yeah what is that?" Fffffuuuuuuuu.....
If you add all this together, I feel like a hunched over, gigantic monster with bad skin and an inflamed crotch, who while bawling, is chasing some poor man around the house, yelling for sex in monosyllabic grunts, all the while crashing into furniture, and only pausing to suppress a Hiroshima-like vurp.
So that's pretty much where I'm at these days. So if you want to ask me how I'm feeling, I might just continue to point you to this blog. The good news is, I really don't need to invest in a costume for Halloween this year. I am scary enough already. Have a great Halloween everyone!
Tschus.
*It feels like someone is repeatedly kicking me in the genitals and, when the flesh is good and raw, pouring hot sauce all over it. You can add this to the Wish I Had Known list of shit that happens to a pregnant woman's body.
*Add the above to hemorrhoids. I don't think I need to elaborate on this.
*Skin tags and moles! Oh joy! They are popping up EVERYWHERE! By the end of this pregnancy, I'm afraid I'll look like the demon who ate kittens in the series Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
*Back aches. Holy hell that one sucks. And it's not just where you would expect either. Because the top part of my body is so scrawny, I seem to lack the muscles to hold myself upright properly. By the end of the day, the muscles and nerves between my shoulder blades are screaming. It's definitely a fibro symptom because I've had similar flares in that area. Add the lower back to it and I'll soon be able to add my name to the list of eligible, hunchbacked side kicks.
*Gastric functions are at an all time high. I've never had heartburn in my life until this. And it reached a new level a few weeks ago with horrible pain. It felt like a geyser of acid threatening to shoot out of my mouth. I imagine it to be like the blood from the Alien creatures; whomever comes near me will risk being hit by a torrent of acidic, hot liquid which can eat through organic, fleshy materials and metals. Thankfully, there is a mint-infused version of Zantac that is safe to take and it almost completely eradicates this threat to all humanity. And yes, you can take that as a product endorsement.
*Hormonal? OH JUST A LITTLE. I can go from crying to wanting to molest my husband in about 5 seconds. Not to mention, I'm also impatient and crabby. We're definitely riding the crazy train here.
*Brain power and coordination are greatly diminished. It almost seems like a cruel joke from Mother Nature to make a creature so goddamn clumsy but who also finds it almost impossible to bend over. I can't even guess how many things I've dropped on the floor only to find it excruciatingly difficult to retrieve. (I huff and I puff and I BEEEENNNNNNNND my ass over.) Also it is hard to find the words to express myself or form complete thoughts. A thesaurus wouldn't even help me because I don't even have one word I can bring forth from my brain to look up. "What's another word for that thing?" *points* "That THING over there? Yeah what is that?" Fffffuuuuuuuu.....
If you add all this together, I feel like a hunched over, gigantic monster with bad skin and an inflamed crotch, who while bawling, is chasing some poor man around the house, yelling for sex in monosyllabic grunts, all the while crashing into furniture, and only pausing to suppress a Hiroshima-like vurp.
So that's pretty much where I'm at these days. So if you want to ask me how I'm feeling, I might just continue to point you to this blog. The good news is, I really don't need to invest in a costume for Halloween this year. I am scary enough already. Have a great Halloween everyone!
Tschus.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Wish I Had Known
WARNING: If easily embarrassed about female anatomy, pregnancy, crass language, please skip this blog post.
I am about two-thirds of the way through my first pregnancy. Since I didn't want to scare myself and crank up the anxiety meter any more than it already naturally is, I didn't read up much on pregnancy.
However, there are a few things I wish I had known before I got pregnant. I've decided to compile a list. Feel free to add your own "wish I had knowns" to the comments. *I reserve the right to add to the list after I complete the remaining three months.
1. Forget the toes, where's my junk?
I always heard cute stories about how a pregnant woman's belly grows so big that she can no longer see her toes. What I didn't seem to realize was that everything is overshadowed by the belly before the toes are affected. One day I looked down and screamed, "I can't see my genitalia!!!"
If you are a woman who regularly grooms the bikini area, you'll soon realize that you can no longer see your junk to trim. Wtf. Unless you are willing to pay someone to trim your hedges, you may have to get used to a '70's bush.
2. Acne...EVERYWHERE.
Oh my god, it's like being a teenager times 100. My skin looks like a cooked, cheese pizza. My face is oily, and my chest, back and scalp are also. I've never had a back-ne problem this bad in my life. I feel like a preggo Pizza the Hut.
3. Delicate flower vs. Preg-zilla
Everyone treats a pregnant lady like they are going to break. Sometimes I feel delicate, like an egg on the edge of a table. But some days I feel like I could crush someone's wind pipe with my bare hands. I did threaten to shove dog shit down a neighbor kids's throat but later I found out the the kid is indeed a little bastard and probably deserved it. However no shit was ever inserted into said bastards mouth. As of today, no one has been seriously harmed, maimed, or disfigured by me and I have not shattered into a million pieces. *I reserve the right to also amend this statement.
4. Body hair
Yes, it's true that hormones and vitamins make your hair grow thicker and faster. But I didn't think of my body hair in this little tidbit of information. It's everywhere and it's growing faster than the alien green moss that took over Stephen King in Creepshow.
My stomach, toes, ass crack....there is no sexiness left.
But yes, my mane is long and thick, if not more unruly then it was before. If I take the time to style it, it looks quite nice. But I'm too damn tired most days and it normally looks oily and flat on top while bushy on the bottom. Nice. I'm also paranoid that it's getting thinner on the top. I'm scared one day I'll wake up to look like Cookie the Clown. *shudder*
5. Morning sickness isn't like it is in the movies.
So those scenes in movies where the actress has morning sickness? She feels ill, runs to the restroom, pukes and goes back to work. Yeah. Fucking. Right. I am fortunate not to have vomited a lot but when I did, it was as if my whole body threw up, not just my stomach. The heartburn was incredible! My stomach cramped so hard during the retching that I pissed myself. There was no control over my body anymore. I was too sick to even be humiliated. I'm just happy I didn't also shit myself.
And I didn't have a wave of nausea and then feel better. It lasted all day. I lost almost 10 lbs. Ginger ale and crackers do help however. I learned to just eat whatever the fuck didn't offend my sense of smell or awaken the Satan-stomach. Most days it was Ritz crackers and cheddar cheese.
6. Everyone will treat you like you're stupid so you might as well run with it.
Yep, the minute you get pregnant, people will treat you like you have no common sense, cannot take care of yourself and need constant advice on everything. Even if you didn't have mush-brain, you might as well just act like you do. Play up the stupid, why not? While people are patronizing you and chastising your decisions, you can secretly plot their deaths. I liken it to Pinky and the Brain.
7. Bodily functions are no longer as embarrassing when expressed in public.
I've never been super flatulent so this is a new and uncomfortable change. I try to contain myself in public whenever possible but let's face it. As months go by, there is less and less room in there. I've scared Patton with my farts, poor dog. And when you gotta go, you don't care if you are in the middle of the ghetto Mall of the Great Plains. You announce it, perhaps too loudly in the store, to your spouse that "I HAVE TO SHIT---NOW!" and you get to the bathroom ASAP.
Another movie metaphor to illustrate my point:
I'm going to stop here. Why stop at 7? My pregnant brain can't think anymore today. I'm sure more things will be added to this list as my belly continues to eclipse my feet. I leave you with a humorous parody by a woman who is 38 weeks along.
Tschus!
I am about two-thirds of the way through my first pregnancy. Since I didn't want to scare myself and crank up the anxiety meter any more than it already naturally is, I didn't read up much on pregnancy.
However, there are a few things I wish I had known before I got pregnant. I've decided to compile a list. Feel free to add your own "wish I had knowns" to the comments. *I reserve the right to add to the list after I complete the remaining three months.
1. Forget the toes, where's my junk?
I always heard cute stories about how a pregnant woman's belly grows so big that she can no longer see her toes. What I didn't seem to realize was that everything is overshadowed by the belly before the toes are affected. One day I looked down and screamed, "I can't see my genitalia!!!"
If you are a woman who regularly grooms the bikini area, you'll soon realize that you can no longer see your junk to trim. Wtf. Unless you are willing to pay someone to trim your hedges, you may have to get used to a '70's bush.
2. Acne...EVERYWHERE.
Oh my god, it's like being a teenager times 100. My skin looks like a cooked, cheese pizza. My face is oily, and my chest, back and scalp are also. I've never had a back-ne problem this bad in my life. I feel like a preggo Pizza the Hut.
3. Delicate flower vs. Preg-zilla
Everyone treats a pregnant lady like they are going to break. Sometimes I feel delicate, like an egg on the edge of a table. But some days I feel like I could crush someone's wind pipe with my bare hands. I did threaten to shove dog shit down a neighbor kids's throat but later I found out the the kid is indeed a little bastard and probably deserved it. However no shit was ever inserted into said bastards mouth. As of today, no one has been seriously harmed, maimed, or disfigured by me and I have not shattered into a million pieces. *I reserve the right to also amend this statement.
4. Body hair
Yes, it's true that hormones and vitamins make your hair grow thicker and faster. But I didn't think of my body hair in this little tidbit of information. It's everywhere and it's growing faster than the alien green moss that took over Stephen King in Creepshow.
My stomach, toes, ass crack....there is no sexiness left.
But yes, my mane is long and thick, if not more unruly then it was before. If I take the time to style it, it looks quite nice. But I'm too damn tired most days and it normally looks oily and flat on top while bushy on the bottom. Nice. I'm also paranoid that it's getting thinner on the top. I'm scared one day I'll wake up to look like Cookie the Clown. *shudder*
5. Morning sickness isn't like it is in the movies.
So those scenes in movies where the actress has morning sickness? She feels ill, runs to the restroom, pukes and goes back to work. Yeah. Fucking. Right. I am fortunate not to have vomited a lot but when I did, it was as if my whole body threw up, not just my stomach. The heartburn was incredible! My stomach cramped so hard during the retching that I pissed myself. There was no control over my body anymore. I was too sick to even be humiliated. I'm just happy I didn't also shit myself.
And I didn't have a wave of nausea and then feel better. It lasted all day. I lost almost 10 lbs. Ginger ale and crackers do help however. I learned to just eat whatever the fuck didn't offend my sense of smell or awaken the Satan-stomach. Most days it was Ritz crackers and cheddar cheese.
6. Everyone will treat you like you're stupid so you might as well run with it.
Yep, the minute you get pregnant, people will treat you like you have no common sense, cannot take care of yourself and need constant advice on everything. Even if you didn't have mush-brain, you might as well just act like you do. Play up the stupid, why not? While people are patronizing you and chastising your decisions, you can secretly plot their deaths. I liken it to Pinky and the Brain.
7. Bodily functions are no longer as embarrassing when expressed in public.
I've never been super flatulent so this is a new and uncomfortable change. I try to contain myself in public whenever possible but let's face it. As months go by, there is less and less room in there. I've scared Patton with my farts, poor dog. And when you gotta go, you don't care if you are in the middle of the ghetto Mall of the Great Plains. You announce it, perhaps too loudly in the store, to your spouse that "I HAVE TO SHIT---NOW!" and you get to the bathroom ASAP.
Another movie metaphor to illustrate my point:
I'm going to stop here. Why stop at 7? My pregnant brain can't think anymore today. I'm sure more things will be added to this list as my belly continues to eclipse my feet. I leave you with a humorous parody by a woman who is 38 weeks along.
Tschus!
Friday, May 20, 2011
Happy Rapture Eve!
I'm tired of hearing about the Rapture but I figure, if you can't beat 'em, might as well join 'em.
So I dusted off the ol crucifix and hung it up yesterday. Actually I hung up a lot of my prints and art so the big JC just happened to fall into that pile of to-do's. I decided to quit waiting for the walls to be painted and just hang up some stuff. The house looks lived in now. It's amazing what a difference I feel just looking around me. Why the hell didn't I do this five months ago? Sheesh.
So anyways, if I rapture tomorrow, at least I got a good day out of my walls. I'm not sure if I believe in the rapture or not. But I'm pretty sure if it is going to happen, it's just happening. There is no crazy white guy who is clued into it beforehand to put up billboards. So I'm really not going to break any plans tomorrow. :) And I don't get why people are freaked out about this rapture business anyways. I'm one of those self-centered Christians: I don't care about your soul. I think it's enough to look after my own!!
So after four days of going back and forth between two doctors, I've finally got a decent plan to help deal with things. I'm unfortunately going to be taking more 'roids for a while which sucks because they make you so damn hungry and bloated. And it's the not the healthy kind of controlled eating. It's the OOOOOH BAGELS M&MS A CUP OF PUMPKIN SEEDS PASTA MMMMMMMMM! I'm thinking of getting some frozen fruit and making some smoothies. Fruit, fiber and water. Filling and good for you. Hopefully that will help cut back on the mass quantities of carbs I seem to be fond of lately. And if my knees decide to continue being bitches, I would like to try some shots to fight the inflammation. We are all agreed that pain meds are the last option.
So this week's lesson: when the doc's don't seem to move fast enough, drop in on their office. Things move a lot quicker when you show up unannounced.
So it's Friday, some of us are disappearing tomorrow, some of us are looting and pillaging for the weekend, so here are some Friday funnies for your Rapture Eve. Tschus!
So I dusted off the ol crucifix and hung it up yesterday. Actually I hung up a lot of my prints and art so the big JC just happened to fall into that pile of to-do's. I decided to quit waiting for the walls to be painted and just hang up some stuff. The house looks lived in now. It's amazing what a difference I feel just looking around me. Why the hell didn't I do this five months ago? Sheesh.
So anyways, if I rapture tomorrow, at least I got a good day out of my walls. I'm not sure if I believe in the rapture or not. But I'm pretty sure if it is going to happen, it's just happening. There is no crazy white guy who is clued into it beforehand to put up billboards. So I'm really not going to break any plans tomorrow. :) And I don't get why people are freaked out about this rapture business anyways. I'm one of those self-centered Christians: I don't care about your soul. I think it's enough to look after my own!!
So after four days of going back and forth between two doctors, I've finally got a decent plan to help deal with things. I'm unfortunately going to be taking more 'roids for a while which sucks because they make you so damn hungry and bloated. And it's the not the healthy kind of controlled eating. It's the OOOOOH BAGELS M&MS A CUP OF PUMPKIN SEEDS PASTA MMMMMMMMM! I'm thinking of getting some frozen fruit and making some smoothies. Fruit, fiber and water. Filling and good for you. Hopefully that will help cut back on the mass quantities of carbs I seem to be fond of lately. And if my knees decide to continue being bitches, I would like to try some shots to fight the inflammation. We are all agreed that pain meds are the last option.
So this week's lesson: when the doc's don't seem to move fast enough, drop in on their office. Things move a lot quicker when you show up unannounced.
So it's Friday, some of us are disappearing tomorrow, some of us are looting and pillaging for the weekend, so here are some Friday funnies for your Rapture Eve. Tschus!
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