Even in my sleep

As I've mentioned numerous times, I take sleep aids at night and have been for many years. Chronic insomnia is nothing to sneeze at. Some nights I fall asleep immediately and some nights it takes me an hour or more to finally wander my way into la-la land. Usually it depends on how empty my stomach is, which is a great incentive to not eat heavy suppers or have snacks late in the evening.

This morning while dropping off my daughter at daycare, I tried to recall what I had done before falling asleep last night. I remember our new "baby", the pit bull puppy, cuddling up to me on the bed. She often has her muzzle resting on my hip or leg during the night and I wondered if this was just a Zelda thing or a pit bull thing. So I Googled something to the effect of "are pit bulls always cuddly" on the Ipad. That's the last thing I remember until my daughter woke up crying, again, and crawled into bed with me.

I found time to take a nice soak in the bath today and decided to read a book on my Kindle app on the Ipad. After entering my PIN, Safari pops up and I see this:

Talk about a slap to the face. No wonder I woke up feeling sad. I guess I was looking for any source of comfort online because the pain is still there. It's still raw and heart-wrenching. I know I've been feeling empty again lately, like my arms are always searching for my baby to hold. I think "he would be X many weeks today if he was alive." He'd be sitting in that double stroller with his sister while we walk the dogs. He'd be cooing and smiling around now.

But he's not here. He's a faint memory to most people now. I don't know if there will ever be any more children. And if there are, will I heal just a little? Or will this pain and sadness still be this intense? Here's to hoping tonight is filled with dreams inspired by the Outlander books or about our upcoming trip to New Orleans. And now I have to cut off this post because a pit bull just crawled on my lap and typing is annoyingly difficult. Until my fingers meet keys again...tschus.

While I wait...

We were hoarding some Best Buy gift certificates and last weekend we finally cashed them in for a new television. While we were there, we got a good deal on Direct TV and so here I sit, waiting on the cable guy. So while I wait, I figured I'd freshed up the 'ol blog.

By the way, I shared my Dish TV rant with the Direct TV salesman, stating that I have been dead set on changing cable providers ever since the big Walking Dead incident of November 2010. Halfway into my bitch-fest about how Dish took away AMC right before the season finale, I realized, once again, I was waxing poetic about zombies while wearing a zombie tshirt.

Will my geekery ever end? *sigh*

Earlier this week I was doing some internet research on stages of pregnancy and what to expect. I read a thread about what not to eat, especially alcohol. This is a hot topic it seems as some doctors have told moms-to-be to go ahead and have a glass of red wine once a week at certain stages of pregnancy. I'm not starting a debate on this, keep in mind. I just found some of the responses....interesting. Of course you get the obligatory comment: "if any mom has a glass of wine while pregnant, someone should call Department of Social Services on her!!!" "And then there were the other comments like: "If a doctor says it's ok, it's ok. No one should be calling Social Services blah blah." This is pretty normal to see the over-reactive women and then the more laid-back women. But there were two comments by two different women that really annoyed me. They were both something like this: "OMG last night I dreamed I was drinking wine and then I woke up totally freaked out because I thought I REALLY HAD DRUNK IT! LOLOMGWTF!!!"

So what happens to me last night? I had a dream about drinking wine. Only I didn't wake up and think "OMG did I drink some wine last night?!??!" Instead I thought "why the hell did I just dream about eating fancy cheese and drinking pinot grigio with Dave Chappelle??????"

Maybe the moral of the story is just to read enough to get the information you are seeking. But only read the comments sections if you want to risk losing a significant amount of brain cells and possibly fuck up your dreams.



Have a good day everyone, I'm off to rummage sale hell this weekend and a wee bit of volunteering with Patton. Tschus!