*It feels like someone is repeatedly kicking me in the genitals and, when the flesh is good and raw, pouring hot sauce all over it. You can add this to the Wish I Had Known list of shit that happens to a pregnant woman's body.
*Add the above to hemorrhoids. I don't think I need to elaborate on this.
*Skin tags and moles! Oh joy! They are popping up EVERYWHERE! By the end of this pregnancy, I'm afraid I'll look like the demon who ate kittens in the series Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
*Back aches. Holy hell that one sucks. And it's not just where you would expect either. Because the top part of my body is so scrawny, I seem to lack the muscles to hold myself upright properly. By the end of the day, the muscles and nerves between my shoulder blades are screaming. It's definitely a fibro symptom because I've had similar flares in that area. Add the lower back to it and I'll soon be able to add my name to the list of eligible, hunchbacked side kicks.
*Gastric functions are at an all time high. I've never had heartburn in my life until this. And it reached a new level a few weeks ago with horrible pain. It felt like a geyser of acid threatening to shoot out of my mouth. I imagine it to be like the blood from the Alien creatures; whomever comes near me will risk being hit by a torrent of acidic, hot liquid which can eat through organic, fleshy materials and metals. Thankfully, there is a mint-infused version of Zantac that is safe to take and it almost completely eradicates this threat to all humanity. And yes, you can take that as a product endorsement.
*Hormonal? OH JUST A LITTLE. I can go from crying to wanting to molest my husband in about 5 seconds. Not to mention, I'm also impatient and crabby. We're definitely riding the crazy train here.
*Brain power and coordination are greatly diminished. It almost seems like a cruel joke from Mother Nature to make a creature so goddamn clumsy but who also finds it almost impossible to bend over. I can't even guess how many things I've dropped on the floor only to find it excruciatingly difficult to retrieve. (I huff and I puff and I BEEEENNNNNNNND my ass over.) Also it is hard to find the words to express myself or form complete thoughts. A thesaurus wouldn't even help me because I don't even have one word I can bring forth from my brain to look up. "What's another word for that thing?" *points* "That THING over there? Yeah what is that?" Fffffuuuuuuuu.....
If you add all this together, I feel like a hunched over, gigantic monster with bad skin and an inflamed crotch, who while bawling, is chasing some poor man around the house, yelling for sex in monosyllabic grunts, all the while crashing into furniture, and only pausing to suppress a Hiroshima-like vurp.
So that's pretty much where I'm at these days. So if you want to ask me how I'm feeling, I might just continue to point you to this blog. The good news is, I really don't need to invest in a costume for Halloween this year. I am scary enough already. Have a great Halloween everyone!
Tschus.
