TMI: The Taint

It t'aint this and it t'aint that. This is another one of those frank pregnancy posts so quit reading here if you don't wanna know.

There is no shame, no pride: nothing to embarrass me anymore. That all pretty much went away during all the surgeries, the fertility treatments, etc. I didn't think I had anything left to hide but preparing for a baby has shown me differently.

In order to try and prevent the perineum, or more loving known as "taint", from tearing during child birth, a woman can do certain things to stretch things out ahead of time. They call it perineum massage. When you think about a head coming out of there, and things tearing, then you know why this is a far better alternative.

I can't see my damn junk anymore to know if I'm doing it right. And my little mirror does not balance well on the bed. I am fortunate that my spouse is not embarrassed by anything and perfectly willing to do whatever needs to be done. How we will ever have a normal, passionate sex life in the future, I have no idea. I'll put in an illustration so you can see what I mean.

Interesting, no? But far better to do that then to experience this, if possible:

Oh my fuckin' God, no way!

So the instructions say to insert thumbs and pull downward until you feel a stinging or burning sensation. Once it starts to burn, hold it for several minutes and then pull outwards. So yeah, the stinging starts and I said OK ENOUGH FUCK THAT HURTS! And Ron, being very clinical said, ok now we have to hold for two minutes. I asked him to tell me a story to distract me. The only thing that came to his mind was the plot to Happy Gilmore. So he told me about a hockey player who needed money to get his grandma's house and how he went off to play golf. Ha ha!

All through the 8 minutes of stingy taint, my husband is telling me about Happy Gilmore. It was a good distraction and did make me laugh. We have to do this once a day until delivery and I am going to have him tell me a story each time. We'll see what other interesting summaries of movies I can get out of him.

Let me just reiterate how unsexy this was. It was uncomfortable. Not exactly painful but it definitely did not feel nice. When one reads "massage" in there, you tend to think of something that feels good. It's amazing what you will do though when you think about your genitalia ripping and being sewn back up. Taint stretches? You betcha!