SUCK IT UP BEX

Sorry for all the blog posts in one day. I am trying to avoid posting too much in one post, as it becomes so miscellaneous that the messages get mixed up.

So my brain has been constipated by stressful thoughts and now it's exploding in mental diarrhea. I suppose this is the time to check in with my therapist.

Things are good overall but I feel a bit overwhelmed. I've been experiencing a continuous RA flare for about two months. It never really goes away but I do get a few days off here and there. Since I've gone back on steroids, I've had to increase my dose twice. My rheumatologist says I cannot go above a certain level. Because of that, if I have any joint pain, I'm to come in for shots in those specific joints. So I did get shots in my hips which has helped thankfully. Unfortunately about two weeks after the shots, all my joints flared up again. I can't go in and have 8+ pairs of joints injected so I wasn't sure what to do. I had a standing appointment with my OB and asked her about it. She advised me to temporarily raise my dose of steroids. I told her that the rheum said no way on that but we agreed I would do it for a week and then I would go back down. Now my rheum wanted me to go down from the regular dose. So rheum says go down to 7.5 or 5 mg and OB wants me at 15 mg, for a week. Erm. Da fuck? Well I did the week at 15 and have now returned to 10 mg. I called the rheum's nurse to report this, just to document everything. I wasn't really looking for her sympathy or for them to do anything other than record what the fuck is going on. (My disability case was of course denied and I am appealing. EVERYTHING must be recorded for legal reasons.) She told me to "suck it up."

Haha! I do recall posting about how I felt the "suck it up" attitude emanating from the medical community. Now I have been officially told to do so.

I do understand that because I'm pregnant, there is nothing else I can take to alleviate my pain. However, no one has told me if I should try ice therapy and if so, how long and how much. Or should I try modifying my diet. Or does the ridiculous heat index have a factor in the flare up. Or is there a low cost swimming program that I can do to get exercise.

I also asked if I would be able to get a temporary handicap parking tag until I have the baby. For me to ask for this means I have taken my Pride, smothered it to death and buried it. I don't ask this lightly. I don't ask for it for free. I am asking because there are days that I struggle to walk around and run my errands. I feel that at this time, I fucking need it. I have not heard back from the nurse on this. I'll give her until tomorrow before I call back and get a little testy. (Insert BEX SMASH here.) I have also ordered myself a collapsible cane for those times when I need something to help me get around.

On Sunday we were out at the bookstore and having lunch. We were gone for maybe three hours and I wanted to cry when we got home. My knees were killing me and I told my husband if we are having more children, they need to be adopted. There is no way that I can go off my meds and go through all this again but with a small child to look after. He of course is very understanding and ok with that.

I hate admitting defeat. I hate making myself lay on the couch all day and do only the minimal of movements because leaving the house and walking around will bring on another flare. I hate losing my independence.

But know what? I'm going to SUCK IT UP. I'm no longer exercising, going out, gardening, walking my dogs, etc. Mentally I'm going crazy. But I don't see what choice I really have. I've got four months to go and then I can take all the fucking drugs I need.

On top of that, I'm worried that Horace will be unable to live with a child. He's growled at a couple people, albeit during times when his leg has been messed with or he has been in pain from whatever is going on with his leg. He is having extensive xrays on August 9th to see if he has hip issues or an ACL tear. If it's a hip problem AND he's aggressive, he will have to be put to sleep. If it's a little arthritis or a tendon issue, we can work with that. He can be rehomed if needed but not if he has human aggression. I love him. He's so happy with us. He squeaks his bunny, is playful, loves to be petted and walked. He's come so far in four months.

So is $425 for three hours of a consultation of the whole pack of dogs fair? No one will do an hour evaluation for a small fee. It's three hours or more and hundreds of dollars. Add $250 to the cost of xrays and I'm about ready to beat my head on the wall.

I think the dog is mistrustful of people in general and he's had a hard life. We are committed to getting him a trainer who is not afraid to tackle this issue head on. However the costs are insane. I know they are worth every penny but the timing sucks ass. So I'm getting quotes on prices and references on trainers to work on this. However the heat, my health and this together makes for a crabby Bex. I know that if you take things one at a time, a day at a time, they are solvable. If there is still hope for him, I will still work on it. If I have to sit my ass in the living room all day instead of working out and visiting people, I can do that temporarily. That doesn't mean I will like it though.

PS

Here is my google image search of "Suck It Up." I'm not sure what is more disturbing; this baby's horrible outfit or the phrase "can of man."

You be the judge.

Tschus.