Growing pains

Who knew you could have growing pains in your 30's? I have learned so much lately about myself and others. It hasn't been easy but I feel I'm a better person for it.

I recently had another health evaluation which led to some new diagnoses. Without getting into it, I can just say that at first, I was upset. But I found peace within. I really believe that everything happens for a reason, and it's up to us, as individuals, to decipher what that is. At times I am defensive, and also, a huge pain in the ass. But my heart is always in the right place. I always want to do right, to ensure the happiness of my family and friends, and to be true to myself. No matter what happens each day, I pray to try to understand my purpose and actions when something negative happens. At the end of the day, I have to answer to myself and the big JC.

So here I am, a day older and a little wiser. The hardest thing to do, sometimes, is to forgive those who don't ask for forgiveness. And even harder yet, to forgive ourselves. Forgiving others is not for the sake of anyone but yourself. That isn't a bad thing at all, despite how it sounds. I think we need to admit our misunderstandings or mistakes and those of others so that we can move forward, for our own well-being. After that, you can let things go. My mistake is always trying to get others to see my side of things, hoping they will understand my intentions and my heart. When that doesn't happen, I keep pressing the subject, hoping for them to suddenly understand. That is my mistake. I need to stop after the first try and move on. If something is meant to be, it will be.

Here are the things that give me joy. These things are worth fighting for.

I put a print of this in EK's room. It is part of the "Voyage of Life" series painted by Thomas Cole. This one is "Youth." I know, the Romanticism period is a bit much, but I kind of dig some of the works that emerged from it. This series is in the National Gallery of Art.

I apologize to my atheist and agnostic friends who may find their way to this post. However this is part of me. It doesn't take away from my horrible sailor mouth and I certainly do not think I'm holier than thou. I do believe in a higher purpose and to trust in the higher being to lead me through the storms. Well, I've been working on this post over three hours, so it's time for this addled brain to bring things to a close. Have a wonderful, great fucking Saturday night. Tschus.

PS. If anyone has been deleted from my Facebook page, I apologize. I am trying to cut ties to an online group that once was my support network, but now fills me with a lot of pain. Please message me if you feel you've been deleted in error. I am sorry in advance if you get upset by this.

What wouldn't you do?

I've been blogging on and off about the fur babies. Our black rescue dog, Horry, has terrible hip dysplasia. Horry is only 2 years old. I am not sure what his story was before we met, but I do know he feared men, hated other dogs, has a large knot of scar tissue on his head and in general, he had "checked out" around people.

However, Horry is now a happy boy! He plays with toys, he hangs out with our alpha dog, Tobin, like they've been friends forever. He doesn't intimidate our submissive boy, Patton, nearly as much. We've had our Horry for a little over a year now and even though he's still phobic about thunderstorms, fence fights with an unfixed Golden Retriever AND has bad hips, we love him. You can just tell he's grateful to be here. His tail wags, he lets me brush him, he waits patiently for his breakfast and dinner and he also gives us licks on our hands. I was hoping he was a candidate for stem cell therapy, but he's not. So we're trying the next best thing while we painstakingly save for his surgery and get our house finances in order. So yesterday was his first day of acupuncture.

I assisted the doctor at Aid Animal Hospital in Kansas City, Missouri. I held Horry on the table while the doctor and I talked. She gently kneaded his back muscles and when she found the right "spot", she inserted a very thin needle into his skin. He only flinched two or three times during the procedure. As anxious as he was, he did lay down a couple of times which, to me, was amazing. He normally could not relax at all around strangers. We aren't sure if anything is working yet but we are hopeful! To see testimonials about pet acupuncture, see this link.

I'm sorry I don't have better photos of this. I really had to keep both hands on Horry to make sure he didn't step off the table and fall.

We had the discussion a while ago when we found out about his hips. He's so young and he is a part of the family. If we stay disciplined, we can afford this surgery in a few years. We also recently found out that Patton needs knee surgery! He has a luxating patella on both back legs. Sheesh. He doesn't seem in terrible pain, but with dogs, they don't show pain until it's pretty awful. Since Patton means so much to people even outside of our home, we will try and have his procedure done as well. I know so many people would not go to this much trouble for a pet. But our dogs are more than pets, they are family. And if this helps Horry, I may just give acupuncture another try!

Isolation

First, some wonderful news. No surgery! Two experts strongly disagree with the diagnosis of severe joint damage. Therefore I will go forward with muscle and joint injections to relieve the pain and possibly a splint to wear at night. I'm very grateful I do not have to undergo such an invasive and risky surgery.

So overall life is good. I am working every day to control pain and take care of the baby. Unfortunately I get tunnel vision easily when it's "just do what I need to do in order to get through the day." The days easily blur together and I forget to notice what's going on around me. I've noticed lately that I've hardly talked to a soul other than my husband and doctors. Where did my social life go? It's not that I had a very active social life but I did talk to people in the neighborhood and occasionally hop on the phone to chat with people. My husband travels a lot and I now go long stretches without seeing or talking to anyone unless I have a medical appointment. It creeps up on me and before long I am overcome with intense feelings of isolation and disconnection from others.

Before the baby, I was able to maintain my focus long enough to work on stitching, taking pictures or watching a movie. Now it's very hard for me to do any of this. At the store today I had to look at my list over six times to remember the two things I needed to buy. That is extremely frustrating to me because I haven't always been like this. It's hard to adjust to a new reality when you lived your life with intelligence, drive, energy, talent.

I feel like any time I express an honest emotion in response to "how are you?" it makes people very uncomfortable. It's hard to see the pity in their eyes or the abrupt change of subject. On the other hand, pretending everything is ok (as I like to call it, life is all sunshine, rainbows and unicorns!) feels like I'm being fake. People may see me as thinking negative about things. Sometimes I am guilty of seeing the worst in my situations. However, no one knows what it's like to have someone cut you off in mid-sentence to say something like "but you ARE ok, look at all the x, y, z in your life! Concentrate on that!" When someone does this to you, you shut down. You realize that you can't confide in this person, that you can't express an honest emotion because it makes him/her uncomfortable, therefore you quit trying. Since you can't be this happy go-lucky person that you think everyone wants you to be, and because you are clearly bumming people out, you quit talking to just about everyone in your life. Granted, no one wants to talk to someone who is a perpetual Eeyore, always complaining and never trying to better his/her life.

This article really nails it on the head:

"Traditionally, the experience of serious illness has been approached in two ways: (1) a gloomy perspective of resignation, self-denial, and helplessness, or (2) a Pollyanna approach that denies altogether that there has been a real trauma. Both of these perspectives distort and disguise the reality of chronic illness.

The first perspective views the chronically ill person as a failure. This is the patient who does not respond to the "miracle" of modern medicine, and somehow the lack of recovery is often perceived as the patient's fault. This attitude of blame accounts for some of the worst psychological abuses of patients by health practitioners and caretakers, an attitude typified by the too-frequently heard statement, "Stop complaining. You simply must adjust." Unfortunately, the sick person may also adopt this punishing attitude toward himself or herself...All the anger and blame inherent in this attitude is misdirected: the patient rather than the disease becomes the target...Sometimes, it is useful in social situations to present yourself as a Pollyanna. When meeting new people and situations, it may be an advantage for you to let others think you have mastered your disease. The anxiety of other people is reduced by not having to confront illness. The danger is that this Pollyanna image may create a barrier between you and the people who can offer real help.

The resignation viewpoint holds little hope; the Pollyanna viewpoint holds little reality."

This article is so interesting to me and I wonder if part of why I'm stuck in this cycle of isolation and sadness is because I've never found a truly understanding and supportive network. My husband has been wonderful and a few friends are really good people. But they don't understand things from my perspective. And my family is another story. Recently I saw my father and he asked me if the doctors ever really figured out what is wrong with me. I was stunned by his question. I was diagnosed THREE years ago. I shared with my family THREE years ago my new reality. However no one in my immediate family has ever talked to me about it. I feel like they all view me as a hypochondriac. Indeed, I myself thought I must be crazy and it was all in my head, although blood tests continued to prove otherwise. (My brother is also suffering from very real and serious health issues. However the reality of his condition is always glossed over in conversations between he and I. I know part of it is that he doesn't want to talk about it or worry me.) Perhaps it's the mindset of "if we don't talk about it, it's not really happening."

I think the more you try to act normal, the worse you feel. But this article is resonating with me and gives me hope. Just to know that others have experienced all these emotions I feel is empowering. And it makes me think that I need to connect more with my brother. He is the only one capable of understanding my point of view and I feel like we should lean on each other more. Time goes by so quickly and before we know it, we won't have much time left together.

I really do not expect anyone to read this which is ok. It's long and a bit discombobulated. However it was an eye opener for me and I wanted to share it, in the small chance that someone else out there can relate or needs help. Have a good night.

Hot and Busy

Oooh that almost sounds suggestive doesn't it? Well today we will be in the upper 90's with a heat index over 100. And the recent visit of my father has made life a bit busier than usual!

We did go to the Royals game and were beaten by the Twins. Another poorly rated team and we still got beat! But it was fun to see the game and people-watch. I love the ladies who walk in spilled beer and steep steps in their three inch heels. Ha! I guess I didn't know baseball games were hot hookup places.







I also took my dad to a historic stagecoach museum/living history farm. It's called Mahaffie Stagecoach Stop & Historic Site. Admission is cheap: only $6 a person. They have a small but thorough visitor's center which leads onto the farmstead and original house. They have staff dressed in period clothing performing the farm chores typical to a farm and stage stop on the Santa Fe Trail. Everyone was very knowledgeable and friendly.



This was a huge draught horse and it was about 90 degrees that day. They planted the corn in small mounds about a foot or two apart so they can use the plow horse to weed between the rows.



One of the staff.



These were some hot chickens!



The goats loved me. The feeling was mutual. Goats rule.



To the Smithy!



The oxen.



The farmhouse/stagecoach stop.



They fed us a sample of some delicious lemon sponge cake in this kitchen.



Of course, you get to ride the coach around before you go.



Dad was thrilled. :)

More photos at Flickr if you are interested.

This week is full of doctor appointments, lunch with my former coworkers and then the big Pinups for Pit Bulls event on Saturday. I can't wait to get all dolled up!

Stay cool. Tschus!

And now, 50% drama-free!

The more I try to keep drama out of my life, the worse it gets.  It would help if I could keep my damn mouth shut.  But whenever I feel there's been an injustice, a misunderstanding, a wrong inflicted, I open my big, fat mouth.  If I could just look the other way I am sure my life would be quieter.  I think living with someone who has an anger problem and internalizing all our problems made me go a bit too far to the opposite side after the divorce.  I never wanted to feel like I didn't stand up for myself because I was afraid of creating problems or confronting someone.  Never again, I swore.  Maybe sometimes it's more helpful to just stfu.

Pain.   Pain is a good diet aid.  I've lost about 4 lbs in the last two weeks because everything I eat lately upsets my stomach and I hurt so much all the time.  I've cried more this week than I have since my divorce.  Luckily the patronizing nurse at my doctor's office put through my request to schedule the surgery for earlier by ten days.  So right after I get home from ND, I have the Pinups for Pit Bulls photo shoot and then surgery the following Monday.  Yippee!  I just want it over with and then to figure out the next step.  And honestly, I'm really looking foward to getting this damned system out of my body.

It's also been a very animal-centric time at our house.  Ratchet was ill for a while and the second opinion vet at least got us a bronchial dilating medicine which has been super helpful.  He's not cured but he's much for comfortable and he's more alert and happier.  Patton threw up on the bed yesterday which necessitated a trip to our local laundrymat.  That was an unpleasant experience.  (I hate laundrymats.)  Then today, Sadie threw up twice in front of us.  I think Patton horked because he was trying to mow the lawn on his own and Sadie did because she ate a treat and then contorted herself to lick her ass for ten minutes straight.  I think the position she was in did not aid digestion.  So no one is really sick, but you know pets. 

Rowdy is good.  He's still hanging onto life with his ten teeth.



This is a pretty normal pose for the guy.  Old dogs don't have the best kidneys so you have to take him out a lot.  We were firing up the grill when Rowdy decided this was outdoors enough for him to do his "thing."

Tuesday I'll be back in Dickinson.  I'm flying home until the 5th because some relatives will be in Hebron, and the old gang will be back in Dix.  It's been 5 years since I've been home so this will be really weird.  I think my dad is happy about it and it will be good to spend some time with him on his turf.  Plus I hear Dix has grown a lot and I'm sure there will be some new things going on.  Well, probably lots of the same stuff but just....newer.  I hope to take mass amounts of photos of family, the old gang and the Badlands.  I'm sure there will be much posting of photos when I return.  

Finally, I picked up a copy of Zombies of Mass Destruction at my local Wal-hole.  I was looking at it when approached by a fellow nerd, employed by Wal-hole.  We geeked out on a discussion of zombie movies and whether or not anyone should bother with doing a Bubba Ho-tep sequel with no Bruce Campbell.  He told me that he heard there is one helluva hit and run scene in Zombies of Mass Destruction but he hadn't seen it yet.  So Ron and I watched it last night. 

 

If you watch it, remember that it's an independent film.  That being said, I totally recommend it just for the hit and run scene.  We laughed our asses off.  The movie differs in other zombie flicks in a couple key ways: the zombie outbreak is treated like a terrorist attack by the general public and two of the heroes are gay characters.  Just the gay guys are great to watch; likeable and funny.  The effects aren't bad either.  The acting however is much like what you'd see in stage theatre.  It's a little over the top and the lines are read much like in a play.  Not that it's a bad thing.  I've seen two zombie plays and really liked them.  It's just a different method of delivery and once you get used to it, you can have fun with it.  Ron thought the jokes were few and far between but I loved it.  For $9, it's fun to watch and it adds to the collection.



That's all I got for now, or all I'm willing to type up.  :)  Hope all is well for everyone out there!  Tschus.

Have you ever?

Have you ever asked Why Me?  Have you ever cursed God, forsaking His name because of all that you've had to suffer?  Why these deaths? Why these illnesses?  Why these hardships?  I can understand You having a plan for one issue or the other.  but everything in my lifetime?  Why would You do this to me?

I fail to see the bigger plan for a kid losing her mother when she was 7.  For this kid to grow up without much emotional support, feeling isolated, over-sensitive, morbid and sad.  The teenage years being far too serious, looking for warmth and love in all the wrong places, further sequestering emotions from people in an attempt at self-preservation.  Then in adulthood, this kid seeks unhealthy relationships, enters into a failed marriage, goes through illnesses and then major surgery.  Nothing that a person voluntarily and actively seeks, but yet this is the path a person seems set upon.  And then when she thinks the worst has passed, major/chronic illness sets in.

Why?  If you claim to be a Christian, you may wonder why someone curses God.  Why the fuck are you so set against me?  Why me?  Fuck you God....I've had enough.  I've been through enough and I remained faithful.  Yet you continue to put me through this hell.  What is your plan for me?  Is there a plan at all or am I putting my hopes in a false God?

Even if you are the most devote, ,you've been though this or will at some point.  This is the story of Job.  And maybe people like me are not part of some grand, fucking divine plan.  Maybe we are simply the strongest who survive the whole plot, the whole story.  Perhaps the strong and healthy people as the ones who will succumb quickly in the grand scheme of things.  Maybe the sick ones are the people who live the longest because we put up with the most, endure more hardship and because of that, slowly become stronger in the end.

Unfortunately those of us who go through these diseases are the most isolated.  We are lucky to find one person in our lives, be it family, spouse or friend, who will stay with us through all the trials and tribulations.  I found today that my family, although loving and wonderful, cannot be there for me.  They just don't understand and aren't capable of the empathy I need throughout this illness.  It's not their faults, but that is just life.  And it is hard for me to grasp.

When you are chronically sick, you quit communicating the truth to others.  I've only told those at work because I've felt forced to.  They have to pick up my slack, and they need to know why I'm sick.  But my family and friends have not heard the whole of it, nor have they had to.  I have tried, however, to reach out to certain acquaintances and family, but I don't feel that they understand.   I feel no blame or anger about that.  I can't say that I would feel any different if I were in their situations.  When I try to talk to others about how I feel emotionally and/or physically, others don't understand or think I'm making it up.  Therefore, deep down, I question whether or not I'm crazy.  Maybe this isn't real?  Maybe I'm an attention whore, just like they think?

I feel like I have to make things up or only tell half-truths about my life to people.  "Yes!  Everything is wonderful.  We are so blessed to be living amazing, happy lives!!!!!  Blah!  Blah blah blah!"

At some point, we have to realize that we are sick.  We have X, Y and Z to deal with and our priorities involve getting through our daily shit without physically collapsing or breaking down emotionally.  Getting through a day/week/month of taking care of our kids, our bills, our marriages, our family, our friendships, our jobs is a lot to deal with.  When you feel you have to make excuses for this or explain it to others, it's hard.

I'm not a drama queen.  But I have major health issues that prevent me from working full time, from actively involving myself with relatives, that prevent me from trusting others and that keep me from having a party hardy lifestyle.  Hell I feel lucky if I get through the day on the most minimum of prescription drugs AND am still able to operate a motor vehicle.  I'm so damn tired of it and I keep thinking it's temporary and it will get better.  This isn't really my life.

I guess it is my life.  No matter how many drugs I take or what I eat or don't eat, it doesn't go away.  This is my life.  Period.  And we better find a practical way for me to deal with it.  And I better quit feeling bad at the friends I lose because I can't go hang out every time they want to.  Or my boss doesn't get why I can't lift something over 20 lbs.  Or why I don't volunteer myself to work extra hours.

This is my life now.

And because of who I am, I cannot end a post on my blog with a subject matter so serious.  So I leave you with all my feelings, my whole heart, my spiritual frustration and a photograph of one of my pet rats in my husband's pants.  Good night.

Craft-a-frickin-roonie!

Here is my little recap for the last week or so:

Last week was hell as far as health goes but this is a new week!  I was a shit-load of pain from endo and arthritis last week but thankfully, these things aren't an everyday problem for me.  Shit could always be worse!

Ma Burley came on Friday night and we chilled out together on Saturday and went to the Harrah's casino Saturday night.  What a culture shock!  I did see plenty of casinos in Vegas but it just seemed different because it was here in KC.  I lost $50 in the slots which sucked and the drinks were $5, not free like Vegas.  Casinos are fun for a few hours but after that, I've had my fill.  It's loud, reeks of smoke and there are people EVERYWHERE.  Not a great place for recluses like myself.  Her visit was too quick but it was really great to see her again.

My Etsy hasn't sold anything yet however I think I have a few interested in "Ass, the other Vagina."  I have a couple private requests also that I need to get started on.  I'm excited about that because it's fun to make these but even more fun to know that people are going to put it in their homes soon.  As soon as payday gets here, I am off to the crafy store again to get supplies.  I'm geeked!

Speaking of stitchery, I finished my first photo-to-embroidery project.  Here is the result and a comparison of the original photo to the cloth and thread result:





I felt pretty good about the overall end-product.  This has been a complete learning experience for me and I see what I need to work on now.  I have ideas for the next embroidery project already!  I like the idea of taking my photography and doing something more with it.  My ultimate goal is to get a gallery show.  I think I'm on my way as *enter drumroll* I'm going to be featured in the near future on Stitchgasm.  ACK!!!!  This is exciting to me although most of you probably don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.  See the following website: http://www.mrxstitch.com/  I am not sure what day it will be, but one of the people who works on this newsletter is a woman known as Beefrank.  She is a witty, creative genius and her work makes me laugh a lot!  You can see her work on Flickr by going to http://www.flickr.com/photos/beefranck/.  If you appreciate humor, talent and witicisms, please check out her stuff!  Also, subscribe to Mr. X Stitch via the site or Facebook.  (He is also megacool and a Brit!)  This stuff absolutely feeds me inspiration as well as making me laugh.  I can't believe how creative people can be and it is freakin' awesome to see so many talented people out there producing so much stuff.  Ok sorry, I got a little carried away!!

Add that to a confirmation email I received about enrollment in a free digital photography course and I'm about to implode!  Whoopee!

All right, enough of that crazy shit.  As always, I hope everyone is well.  Catch ya later, tschus!

Star Trek, and why couples should get out more

Our weekend went pretty well.  Ron and I came to the conclusion that we weren't getting out and doing anything fun anymore.  In an effort to save money, and due to laziness, we've been staying home most weekends.  But we've grown lethargic, cranky and bored.  My health problems have compounded the issue and we quit communicating.  I have to say that when a spouse has a chronic illness, the marriage is really affected.  It's stressful on both people and it just wears everyone out.  Also the outside pressure we, or I, feel to have a baby is getting to be too much.  If it's going to happen, it will.  I am so tired of hearing about it.  Anyways, we were able to recognize the issues and talk about it.

So in an effort to get out and have a good time together, we went to Fork & a Screen at the AMC Theatre.  Basically you can watch a movie, have a beer and have table side food service.  We saw Star Trek and it was awesome.  I was really worried that the movie would suck, as a lot of prequels do.  However the plot was interesting and the actors were spot on with their characters.  I was really surprised how well Zachary Quinto did as Spock.   Simon Pegg was a great Scottie too.  I recommend the movie even if you aren't sci fi geeks like we are.  Here's one of the trailers.  Have a good Monday!

General update

Ron's mom left on Friday; she stayed about a week.  The day after, my ex's daughter came over for the night.  So we had one night of lounging around in our underwear before we had another guest.  I took her to see Aliens vs Monsters which was pretty cute.  Ten dollars a piece though for admission which is nuts.  This is why I don't normally go to movies.

Since I've been so cooped up in the house, I convinced R and Ron to take the dogs to the park with me.  It's just a small arboretum and fishing pond/lake.  There's a huge playground of course but I don't take the mutts through that part.  It was so nice to get out!  I was surprised that Rowdy was able to make it around the lake.  He was so happy to get out that I decided to take him out again today.  I'm always afraid to walk him too much because of his hips but I think a little exercise is really good for him.

Of course, Sadie took a dip in the lake.  She was nice and rank for the ride home.

My health is ok.  I saw the rheumatologist today and they said to keep up the 'roids.  Goodie!  (/sarcasm)  Since there doesn't appear to be any bone damage yet, I don't need any of the major drugs you see on television commercials.  Thank.  God.  So that's good news.  Also, I'm still healing from the surgery.  The bruises had all turned a nice sickly yellow but then I wore my jeans for half a day.  Sad to say they were/are too tight.  I ended up bruising myself all over again just from putting compression on the swelling.  Kinda sick actually.  I guess I'll have to wear my "fat" pants for a while.

(Holy shit, is that ice cream truck just PARKED outside my house?  Ice cream truck music is reaaaaally annoying.)

I'm actually kind of looking forward to work tomorrow.  Weird!  Part of me wants more time to rest and part of me just wants out of the house.  I have done some work from  home and kept up on my work email.  Things are starting to pile up so I really want to get back and start taking care of some research requests.  Maybe I just want to feel useful and keep my job.

Since I've had time off, I've been trying to take part in more photo theme days on Flickr.   I'm not very creative but I'm having fun trying!  The first was a "robot" theme and the second was "The Big Lebowski."

Rat vs Robot

"Jesus"

 Happy freakin' Monday!

Der Lenz ist da

Spring has sprung!  So the Deutcher say.  Ron went with me to my doctor today.  We stared at a model of a uterus for a good 15 minutes, discussing various alien-like attributes and then my doctor came in.  He said the septum doesn't look too bad but it's there and he can resect it.  I'm scheduled to go in on April 24 with all the pre-op stuff on the 23rd.  Ma Burley is coming and I'm really happy about that.  It will be great to have her here again.  She is bringing her doggies with too.  They are having training issues (poop + pee + carpet) so we will try to help out with that.  We should probably rent a steam cleaner anyways.

So more meds to help me prepare for the surgery and these drugs also make you gain weight.  Hurrah!  More weight gain!  Hahahaa poop.  I picked out a bunch of new healthy recipes to try and made one for tonight.  It was great except I cooked the potatoes way too long.  So it was a very tasty mush.  I was going to take a photograph of my fabulous dinner but it looked like someone shat his pance.  Like I said, very tasty though.

I am doing a Flickr Group Roulette every once in a while now.  Basically one member of the group chooses an interesting and underused group on Flickr.  Today was Geeks and Nerds.  Then you try to compose a shot based on the theme and rules of that group.  Today was pretty damn easy since I can't help but be a geek/nerd.  I put on my zombie t-shirt (Brains, It's What's For Dinner) and fired up Left 4 Dead.  My whole purpose in doing the Roulette is to be challenged to take more than photos of animals.  I won't be able to do them everyday but a couple a week would be great.  So here is today's photo:



Sadie tried to help out with some shots but all she really did was lick the inside of my nose:



Oooh!  Chuck is on.  Gotta run!

Back to the cold

I got home after midnight last night/this morning and we didn't get to bed until well after that.  Poor Ron had to go to work right away and I went to the doctor.  He looked at my innards and said that my uterus is indeedy divided into two cavities.  I spent two hours there, talking to the specialist, the physician assistant and then the lady who handles all the insurance.  Among considering surgery, the doctor said I need to consider testing for the BRAC I and II genes that pretty much guarantee breast and/or ovarian cancer.  I've had the mastectomy but haven't worried about the ovaries yet.  I thought that having yearly paps would find it in time but I am finding out that isn't always true.  If you get your genes tested and it's positive, you can be discriminated against by your insurance company and by employers who don't want to provide benefits for someone who is going to get cancer someday.  And if it is positive, if I can even PAY for it out of pocket to begin with, then I need to think about getting my ovaries removed.  Blarrrrghhhh.

Anyways, it was good to see family in Arizona.  We ate and drank and hung out in the desert mostly.  We also went to watch some baseball spring training.  The Mariners played the Dodgers and won.  It was interesting even if I am not a huge baseball fan.  The Royals won the day before which was very nice to hear.  It was a quick trip; the family is good and the weather was nice.  I'm home just in time to start freezing my ass off again.  Here are some photos from the trip:

 

 

Neuroses galore!

It's only Tuesday and so far it feels like an incredibly long week.  Ma Burley left yesterday and a dark cloud has settled over the house.  We worry about her down in crapville Oklahoma and we really enjoyed her company.  She was a huge support system for us while we were going through some tough health stuff.

I've really missed having a mom for 25 years (fuck, it's been 25 years!?) and it's an amazing feeling to have a mom/daughter relationship as an adult.  When I was a child, I would see my friends fighting with their moms all the time, or bitching about their moms.  I would get so angry because I wished I had my mom back.  I thought my friends were being selfish and taking that privilege for granted.  But they were kids and all kids fight with their parents.  I just had a very different perspective then they did.

At least we sent Ma home with some new friends.  Charlie, although bursting with excess dominance issues, has been a great dog.  He's adapting really well and is a very happy dog (most of the time.)  We made the mistake of picking up some dog food on Sunday at a Petsmart which was having dog adoptions.  Shivering in a cage, clad in a lame Flashdance-like shirt, was this little Chihuahua.  We walked her around, handled her and adopted her on the spot.  So what did that mean?  Five fuckin' dogs in our house, not to mention the pet rat.

When we arrived home from Petsmart, I waited in the car with the new dog, now named Mandi.  (Aside:  Since Charlie's name brings out spontaneous singing of the theme from Charles in Charge, we went with another song-like name and chose Barry Manilow's Mandi.  One can never really be tortured with just ONE song stuck in her head.)  I got impatient and thought I could carry all my shit inside while still controlling the tiny dog sans leash.  I put her on the ground and she looked up at me with her big, bug eyes.  Then she took off running!  Luckily she went down the cul-de-sac and that is the only reason we got her back.  Ron said he looked out the door, saw me running down the street and then saw the dog sprinting away from me.  Before I knew it Ron was hauling ass ahead of me and we managed to corner the dog in a driveway.  It's nice to know I can still run if I need to, say in a zombie type apocalypse.  I just can't see me wanting to run for any other reason.

So here we are, a happy extended family:





My skin color almost matches the couch.  That's because I'm coming down with a cold.  Looooooovely.

After everyone left yesterday I went to get my x-rays and get some medicine for Sadie.  Sadie came down with a bladder infection the day after we went to the vet and got everyone's vaccinations updated.   The day AFTER.  She never was good with planning ahead.  Luckily I didn't have to bring her back in and I was able to just pick up some antibiotics.  When I got home I had a splitting headache.  I gave Sadie her pill and Rowdy his pain pill.  Rowdy has been very jealous lately of the new dogs so yesterday I gave him lots of attention.  Right after my Rowdy time, I see an email from the person we adopted him from.  She emailed to say she wants to see Rowdy within the week and to please set that up as soon as possible.  Wtf.   As if there wasn't enough going on in our lives to cause us worry and concern, we now have to run around and haul Rowdy out of the house to make this person happy?  I truly resent her intrusion in our lives and her neurotic behavior.  I have passed this one off to Ron to deal with.  I do not have the mindset to be kind, patient or civil right now.  Good grief.

Enough ranting for now.  Take your Vitamin C...you might catch something from this blog.