Better already

Thank you all for the overwhelming show of support! I've can't say how much your emails and messages have meant to me. I love you guys.

I'm doing better today. We did manage a little sleep last night and there was less fussiness overall. I also found a potential moms group that is local and picked out a church to try. The church is much different than what I've visited in the past. Maybe that's a good thing since Lutheran services tend to be a bit depressing, in my experience. Hopefully between the two organizations, I can meet some people and establish a support network.

I'm normally way too sensitive and in times like this, when things are more out of control than usual and I'm feeling really low, I care far too much about what people think of me. I know I shouldn't, and I'm working on that. I was worried that if people knew how shitty I felt and how poor I was coping, they would make judgments about me. God forbid, someone knows my life is not perfect, right?

Taking some time to focus on establishing local networks of people is just what I need to do now. We're also working on setting realistic expectations. I hope to find someone to help clean the house a couple times a month. And hopefully we can get a gym membership too. All this shit takes money, which I am not happy about paying for, but one can't really put a price on sanity and health.

So I'll look at how life is next week and probably reactivate at that time if I feel better. Maybe I can be back online in time for my birthday.

Here is a video of EK and I today, just to say hello and let you all know that we are doing well. I was letting her have some time on the floor with some toys. By the time it occurred to me to take a video, she was starting to get a little cranky and tired. Not a helluva lot going on here but here we are, all the same. Thanks again for your love, patience and amazing support. I know times will get tough again, as it does with the ebbs and flows of life. But taking a step back to reevaluate things seems to help.



Have a good weekend everyone, tschus.

Tough job

It's only been a couple of weeks but I already feel overwhelmed. I was only alone half the day today and I found myself unable to juggle the bottle, the dogs, cleaning nipples, answering the phone, emptying the dishwasher and trying to comfort a newborn who would not settle down for anything. She fussed, she flailed, she wanted to eat every two hours, even though we had worked up to every four hours. Today was just not her day, even though she slept well last night. And I even had a break over the last two nights! My wonderful mother-in-law kept her in her room for the last couple of nights to give us some rest.

I'm not sure what I will do when she leaves and I'm taking night shifts and doing the day stuff. I already feel like I'm failing, barely treading water. I hope this gets better.

Granted not every day will an embroidered pillow case get looped around the button on my back pocket. Of course the phone rings while I'm turning circles around myself, trying to get a pillow unstuck from my ass, with a baby in one hand, my chin on the bottle while she feeds and then the fuckin' phone rings. Then again, maybe it WILL be that crazy every day.

Sometimes I think maybe I don't have the touch. Maybe I don't talk to her enough or the house is too loud, or maybe too quiet. Too cold? Am I not holding her right? Is she feeding laying too flat, too upright? Have I coaxed enough burps out of her? She farted, does that mean she's going to poop? I can't leave her sleeping in a poopy diaper can I?

*sigh*

I hope it gets better. Soon. Or maybe Santa will bring me a saner, better balanced brain.