We had two fabulous nights of sleeping and only waking to eat and be changed. Then last night it was back to feral, zombie baby all over again. I slept from 9-11 and then another two hours sometime after 4AM. I can't remember when. Ron stayed home to work and took the baby in the morning while I napped. We are thinking that the gas in her body is making this worse but we could be completely wrong. It's happened before.
So today's twist was an early morning thunderstorm followed by torrential, non-stop rain. Horace finds this very unpleasant. In fact, he was in his usual thunderstorm panic mode this morning, trying to crawl on top of the couch, panting, shaking, and drooling. I gave him some of his medicine which helped but all day he's been a bit freaked out. In fact, none of the dogs have peed since about 7AM today, and it's almost 8PM. Yikes.
Due to the popularity (?) of the previous video blog, here is one today. Sorry, no baby included today. We had a brief moment of productivity while she was napping and this is what happened. Have a lovely, dreary day everyone. Tschus.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Better already
Thank you all for the overwhelming show of support! I've can't say how much your emails and messages have meant to me. I love you guys.
I'm doing better today. We did manage a little sleep last night and there was less fussiness overall. I also found a potential moms group that is local and picked out a church to try. The church is much different than what I've visited in the past. Maybe that's a good thing since Lutheran services tend to be a bit depressing, in my experience. Hopefully between the two organizations, I can meet some people and establish a support network.
I'm normally way too sensitive and in times like this, when things are more out of control than usual and I'm feeling really low, I care far too much about what people think of me. I know I shouldn't, and I'm working on that. I was worried that if people knew how shitty I felt and how poor I was coping, they would make judgments about me. God forbid, someone knows my life is not perfect, right?
Taking some time to focus on establishing local networks of people is just what I need to do now. We're also working on setting realistic expectations. I hope to find someone to help clean the house a couple times a month. And hopefully we can get a gym membership too. All this shit takes money, which I am not happy about paying for, but one can't really put a price on sanity and health.
So I'll look at how life is next week and probably reactivate at that time if I feel better. Maybe I can be back online in time for my birthday.
Here is a video of EK and I today, just to say hello and let you all know that we are doing well. I was letting her have some time on the floor with some toys. By the time it occurred to me to take a video, she was starting to get a little cranky and tired. Not a helluva lot going on here but here we are, all the same. Thanks again for your love, patience and amazing support. I know times will get tough again, as it does with the ebbs and flows of life. But taking a step back to reevaluate things seems to help.
Have a good weekend everyone, tschus.
I'm doing better today. We did manage a little sleep last night and there was less fussiness overall. I also found a potential moms group that is local and picked out a church to try. The church is much different than what I've visited in the past. Maybe that's a good thing since Lutheran services tend to be a bit depressing, in my experience. Hopefully between the two organizations, I can meet some people and establish a support network.
I'm normally way too sensitive and in times like this, when things are more out of control than usual and I'm feeling really low, I care far too much about what people think of me. I know I shouldn't, and I'm working on that. I was worried that if people knew how shitty I felt and how poor I was coping, they would make judgments about me. God forbid, someone knows my life is not perfect, right?
Taking some time to focus on establishing local networks of people is just what I need to do now. We're also working on setting realistic expectations. I hope to find someone to help clean the house a couple times a month. And hopefully we can get a gym membership too. All this shit takes money, which I am not happy about paying for, but one can't really put a price on sanity and health.
So I'll look at how life is next week and probably reactivate at that time if I feel better. Maybe I can be back online in time for my birthday.
Here is a video of EK and I today, just to say hello and let you all know that we are doing well. I was letting her have some time on the floor with some toys. By the time it occurred to me to take a video, she was starting to get a little cranky and tired. Not a helluva lot going on here but here we are, all the same. Thanks again for your love, patience and amazing support. I know times will get tough again, as it does with the ebbs and flows of life. But taking a step back to reevaluate things seems to help.
Have a good weekend everyone, tschus.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Bex, where you at?
I deactivated my Facebook account for a while. Why? Well, like the relationship status: it's complicated. In a nutshell, I didn't want to continually go on there, posting my lamentations of my baby blues and sleepless nights. I feel like I should be posting sickeningly sweet updates about how happy I am and how amazing my baby is. Don't get me wrong: she is perfect, precious and a gift from God. I can't imagine life without her. I don't want a life without her. But I feel like I'm dog paddling in circles in sub-zero waters, barely keeping my head above water and my limbs are going numb.
The automatic judging one feels when pregnant is nothing compared to what she feels when the baby is now born. Sometimes the flood of advice is really overwhelming because so much of it contradicts each other. When a new mother's brain is scattered, to say the least, from lack of sleep, the outpouring of conflicting advice is like trying to take a college final after a 48 hour bender with no sleep. But worse. Because I've done the finals hungover and they were nothing compared to this.
After another night of EK screeching, thrashing and refusing to be comforted, I sat up and just cried. My husband said, "Well this is just how it is for now and it's going to suck for a couple months. Everyone tells me that is how things will be." My reply, "No one told me it would be this bad. Everyone told me how blissful I would feel, how in love I would be and how I should enjoy this time. But you know what? I don't feel joyful or blissful. This sucks and I feel horrible for not finding it a happy time. I don't know what she wants half the time, I feel like I can never put her down, I love her and feel a rush of emotion every time I look at her but I hate this." We determined that even experienced mothers have told my husband how bad this time can be but no one tells that to me, the mother. Were they trying to spare me the reality? Or do some mothers just blank this period out to the point where all they recall is the lovey dovey moments? I have no idea. But I just feel like we set women up to fail over and over again by making them think it's not ok to admit to the world that at times, yes, this experience sucks ass.
Recently a local, popular meteorologist, committed suicide. I have watched this morning show since I moved here and it was the most popular morning news show in the area. This man was always so happy, cracking wise. His death was shocking and combined with some postpartum depression, really set me off in a funk. At first it was just sadness and shock and then anger. I'm angry because he gave up. Some of us are still putting up the good fight, determined not to give in to depression and let it bowl us over, fuck up our families. But he gave in and took his life. And if someone so successful and who seemed to have it all could throw in the towel, what's that say for the rest of us?
So I realized that, like this man, I also use humor to hide what's really going on. I make fun of myself to try and find the bright side of life, to make light of heavy situations and to make others laugh. Maybe that's why he seemed so happy. He was also trying to deflect attention off his dark side through humor. And so instead of coming out to people and saying, "jeezus this infant stage really sucks. I'm not having an easy time of it and I am struggling," I just withdraw from people rather than have it pointed out to me that I'm not acting the way society tells me I should be.
Before you call CPS on me, just know that I am seeing a counselor, I have alerted my doctors that I'm not all roses and rainbows right now and we are on top of this. I have no thoughts of harming myself or others. I deeply love and adore my baby. I'm so grateful that she's healthy and in our lives. I just don't do well without continuous, night time sleep. I feared this would happen and that it would be this hard. And yes, maybe I should never had a child if my health was so fucked up. But regardless of the shoulds and woulds, she is here. This is my reality and now that I have experienced it, I can honestly say my support system is not working. It's lacking.
What I don't need to hear right now is that this is a GOOD kind of tired because it's the blissful baby causing my lack of sleep. Lack of sleep is lack of sleep. In fact, it's worse when the lack of sleep coincides with a baby who is crying and fussing for six solid hours. What I will take from this is that all new parents should be told that yes, you will love your baby unconditionally. But there may be times you don't really like your baby. And those times are just when she is screaming in your face, inconsolable. But when she's calm again, you realize that you still love her and will do anything to protect and care for her. And this is normal and ok to experience.
So my next steps are to find a moms group or a church community that has support systems in place for new mothers. I knew most of my acquaintances wouldn't be able or willing to help me during the day so this is not a new revelation. I did try the "sleep when she sleeps" thing but that is very hard when you have a sleep disorder on top of chronic health conditions. Today, for instance, I had to be out the door by 7:45AM to drive the 20 miles to the pain clinic. I'll have to do that every month to renew my medications. I have to check in at least every two months with my rheumatologist to make sure my blood counts are ok so I can continue my RA meds. I'm still trying to get set up with a new mail order pharmacy that my insurance requires me to use because, for whatever reason, they just don't want me to go down to the local Walgreens to fill my RA drug. It has to be mailed from a specialty pharmacy. And I'm due for a shot next week so I am using my daylight hours to hound the necessary schmucks into getting that done for me on time. Then there is the debacle of the drug test company that my pain clinic requires its patients to use sporadically. The test costs $500 and for some reason they were given the wrong insurance information for me. So there was an hour on the phone trying to straighten that out. I've also got to carve out time to drive 35 miles to see my neurologist and then there is the visits to the counselor to help keep my head above the raging waters. Add that to the upcoming one month check up for EK and my postpartum check up to my OB. That's JUST my medical shit. That's not to mention trying to make time for visitors and to do the very basic household chores such as keeping up on dishes, sterilizing bottles, scooping dog poop, paying bills and scheduling the furnace guy to come in and fix the humidifier. So really, even if I could nap, when is there time? I know millions of women before me have worked out a balance and I need to find mine too. I just haven't yet.
So why deactivate FB? Because I wear my heart on my sleeve and eventually, no matter how I try not to, I will end up posting something like this blog all over there and come off as a big whiner and an ungrateful jerk. And I can't rely on people on social media to help me out because they can't. I need people in person who can listen to me, give me a hug, spend time with me and maybe come over and sit while I try to sleep or get some time to myself. (Although I will terribly miss my interactions with my stitching group, the EFU. You guys know who you are. I love you guys and I regret that this means time away from you all.) And quite honestly, I'm really saddened and disappointed that people have substituted fucking Facebook for real interactions with their friends. I have a few wonderful and amazing people that know better and we call each other, email and keep in touch. And then there are people I have known in person for a long time that I have yet to hear from. Oh sure, they have made a few "likes" on my page and some comments here and there. But no calls. No visits. I think that's so sad.
So I'm taking a break until I can get myself mentally in a better place. Then I'll go back to not giving a flying fuck what happens on Facebook. Once I have some people in real life that I can turn to, things will get easier. And time will help EK learn the ropes on when to sleep and when to be awake.
So there is the long, drawn out reason why my account is gone. I'll be back eventually. Could be a few days, could be a couple months. Until then, I'm sure I'll continue to blog and Twitter because Tweeting is so less complicated and dramatic.
Tschus.
The automatic judging one feels when pregnant is nothing compared to what she feels when the baby is now born. Sometimes the flood of advice is really overwhelming because so much of it contradicts each other. When a new mother's brain is scattered, to say the least, from lack of sleep, the outpouring of conflicting advice is like trying to take a college final after a 48 hour bender with no sleep. But worse. Because I've done the finals hungover and they were nothing compared to this.
After another night of EK screeching, thrashing and refusing to be comforted, I sat up and just cried. My husband said, "Well this is just how it is for now and it's going to suck for a couple months. Everyone tells me that is how things will be." My reply, "No one told me it would be this bad. Everyone told me how blissful I would feel, how in love I would be and how I should enjoy this time. But you know what? I don't feel joyful or blissful. This sucks and I feel horrible for not finding it a happy time. I don't know what she wants half the time, I feel like I can never put her down, I love her and feel a rush of emotion every time I look at her but I hate this." We determined that even experienced mothers have told my husband how bad this time can be but no one tells that to me, the mother. Were they trying to spare me the reality? Or do some mothers just blank this period out to the point where all they recall is the lovey dovey moments? I have no idea. But I just feel like we set women up to fail over and over again by making them think it's not ok to admit to the world that at times, yes, this experience sucks ass.
Recently a local, popular meteorologist, committed suicide. I have watched this morning show since I moved here and it was the most popular morning news show in the area. This man was always so happy, cracking wise. His death was shocking and combined with some postpartum depression, really set me off in a funk. At first it was just sadness and shock and then anger. I'm angry because he gave up. Some of us are still putting up the good fight, determined not to give in to depression and let it bowl us over, fuck up our families. But he gave in and took his life. And if someone so successful and who seemed to have it all could throw in the towel, what's that say for the rest of us?
So I realized that, like this man, I also use humor to hide what's really going on. I make fun of myself to try and find the bright side of life, to make light of heavy situations and to make others laugh. Maybe that's why he seemed so happy. He was also trying to deflect attention off his dark side through humor. And so instead of coming out to people and saying, "jeezus this infant stage really sucks. I'm not having an easy time of it and I am struggling," I just withdraw from people rather than have it pointed out to me that I'm not acting the way society tells me I should be.
Before you call CPS on me, just know that I am seeing a counselor, I have alerted my doctors that I'm not all roses and rainbows right now and we are on top of this. I have no thoughts of harming myself or others. I deeply love and adore my baby. I'm so grateful that she's healthy and in our lives. I just don't do well without continuous, night time sleep. I feared this would happen and that it would be this hard. And yes, maybe I should never had a child if my health was so fucked up. But regardless of the shoulds and woulds, she is here. This is my reality and now that I have experienced it, I can honestly say my support system is not working. It's lacking.
What I don't need to hear right now is that this is a GOOD kind of tired because it's the blissful baby causing my lack of sleep. Lack of sleep is lack of sleep. In fact, it's worse when the lack of sleep coincides with a baby who is crying and fussing for six solid hours. What I will take from this is that all new parents should be told that yes, you will love your baby unconditionally. But there may be times you don't really like your baby. And those times are just when she is screaming in your face, inconsolable. But when she's calm again, you realize that you still love her and will do anything to protect and care for her. And this is normal and ok to experience.
So my next steps are to find a moms group or a church community that has support systems in place for new mothers. I knew most of my acquaintances wouldn't be able or willing to help me during the day so this is not a new revelation. I did try the "sleep when she sleeps" thing but that is very hard when you have a sleep disorder on top of chronic health conditions. Today, for instance, I had to be out the door by 7:45AM to drive the 20 miles to the pain clinic. I'll have to do that every month to renew my medications. I have to check in at least every two months with my rheumatologist to make sure my blood counts are ok so I can continue my RA meds. I'm still trying to get set up with a new mail order pharmacy that my insurance requires me to use because, for whatever reason, they just don't want me to go down to the local Walgreens to fill my RA drug. It has to be mailed from a specialty pharmacy. And I'm due for a shot next week so I am using my daylight hours to hound the necessary schmucks into getting that done for me on time. Then there is the debacle of the drug test company that my pain clinic requires its patients to use sporadically. The test costs $500 and for some reason they were given the wrong insurance information for me. So there was an hour on the phone trying to straighten that out. I've also got to carve out time to drive 35 miles to see my neurologist and then there is the visits to the counselor to help keep my head above the raging waters. Add that to the upcoming one month check up for EK and my postpartum check up to my OB. That's JUST my medical shit. That's not to mention trying to make time for visitors and to do the very basic household chores such as keeping up on dishes, sterilizing bottles, scooping dog poop, paying bills and scheduling the furnace guy to come in and fix the humidifier. So really, even if I could nap, when is there time? I know millions of women before me have worked out a balance and I need to find mine too. I just haven't yet.
So why deactivate FB? Because I wear my heart on my sleeve and eventually, no matter how I try not to, I will end up posting something like this blog all over there and come off as a big whiner and an ungrateful jerk. And I can't rely on people on social media to help me out because they can't. I need people in person who can listen to me, give me a hug, spend time with me and maybe come over and sit while I try to sleep or get some time to myself. (Although I will terribly miss my interactions with my stitching group, the EFU. You guys know who you are. I love you guys and I regret that this means time away from you all.) And quite honestly, I'm really saddened and disappointed that people have substituted fucking Facebook for real interactions with their friends. I have a few wonderful and amazing people that know better and we call each other, email and keep in touch. And then there are people I have known in person for a long time that I have yet to hear from. Oh sure, they have made a few "likes" on my page and some comments here and there. But no calls. No visits. I think that's so sad.
So I'm taking a break until I can get myself mentally in a better place. Then I'll go back to not giving a flying fuck what happens on Facebook. Once I have some people in real life that I can turn to, things will get easier. And time will help EK learn the ropes on when to sleep and when to be awake.
So there is the long, drawn out reason why my account is gone. I'll be back eventually. Could be a few days, could be a couple months. Until then, I'm sure I'll continue to blog and Twitter because Tweeting is so less complicated and dramatic.
Tschus.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Dumb shit I've done lately
Lately, whenever I do something completely stupid, I think to myself, "this needs to go in the blog." So I think I've accumulated enough dumb shit lately to justify a post.
Let me just say that as of late, EK wants to only sleep from about 2AM to 5AM, and then she will sleep most of the morning. The rest of the day is a haze of thrashing, fussing and fidgeting until about 5PM when she passes out again until around 9 or 10 PM. With every night, my percentages go up. For example, the other day I told my husband I was 80% sure I didn't want more kids. Today I'm up to 95%. When we hit 100%, he goes in for THE BIG SNIP.
I've decided that my cute little cuddle bug is indeed a zombie baby. Sure, she is not tearing away at our flesh, rooting for brains. But she is slowly growing and thriving on a supply of Mom and Dad's energy and brain cells. Some how, with each sweet cuddle, she absorbs our energy matter through some weird, baby osmosis thing. I have never seen my husband so befuddled, so exhausted and so confused. But now I know, this is how children grow so fast! And how parents become beaten down so quickly.
So here are some things I have done lately that deserves a big 'ol HURP A DERP.
*Ordered food at the drive through and then drove right past the pick-up window.
*Paid for my purchases at Walgreens and walked away without my items.
*Dumped powder formula into a bottle without putting the liner in first. Powder all over the counter.
*Forgot what street a store was on and then lamented not having a GPS with me all the while my new Garmin was in the car as well as my smart phone, which has GPS navigation.
*Mailed Christmas cards without stamps.
*Forgot to schedule the sprinkler guy to winterize our line. He is coming next week and I'll be paying extra for having him come out in the cold weather.
On top of this, we also have: forgetting to pay bills, unsure if I took medication or not for the day, falling asleep while feeding the baby in the middle of the night, forgetting to feed the pets, unsure what day of the week it is, etc. I'm hoping in a few weeks, we will have established a workable schedule. I swear, just when we think we have something figured out, EK throws us for another loop. I'm sure all parents go through this, so I can't complain. But this is definitely new to us!
Lack of sleep definitely makes a person cranky too. Last night I had my signal on for a parking space outside the pizza place. Some asshole sped up and took it. This was the first time I was out with EK on my own. We were minutes away from her next feeding, it was drizzling outside and I was starving. And some guy took my spot. Since I had misplaced my handicapped parking tag, I had to park in the back of the lot. I came flying out of my car with EK in her car seat and that guy was smart enough to hide in his car until I passed him by. Woe be unto him if he had confronted me. Raaarrrr BEX SMASH.
But all in all, we are all healthy. I sing dumb songs to EK, rock her, talk to her, sit with her on the couch, staring stupidly at the tv, not absorbing anything I see...oh yeah, happy thoughts! We love our little girl and are enjoying her happy awake moments when she takes in the world around her. Here we are, resting on the couch this morning.
Now we both are seeing pink elephants.
That's about it for today. I don't think I can remember anything else that I had wanted to post. And I just realized that I forgot to eat breakfast. I guess that means a big lunch? So tired. Have a good day everyone, tschus!
Let me just say that as of late, EK wants to only sleep from about 2AM to 5AM, and then she will sleep most of the morning. The rest of the day is a haze of thrashing, fussing and fidgeting until about 5PM when she passes out again until around 9 or 10 PM. With every night, my percentages go up. For example, the other day I told my husband I was 80% sure I didn't want more kids. Today I'm up to 95%. When we hit 100%, he goes in for THE BIG SNIP.
I've decided that my cute little cuddle bug is indeed a zombie baby. Sure, she is not tearing away at our flesh, rooting for brains. But she is slowly growing and thriving on a supply of Mom and Dad's energy and brain cells. Some how, with each sweet cuddle, she absorbs our energy matter through some weird, baby osmosis thing. I have never seen my husband so befuddled, so exhausted and so confused. But now I know, this is how children grow so fast! And how parents become beaten down so quickly.
So here are some things I have done lately that deserves a big 'ol HURP A DERP.
*Ordered food at the drive through and then drove right past the pick-up window.
*Paid for my purchases at Walgreens and walked away without my items.
*Dumped powder formula into a bottle without putting the liner in first. Powder all over the counter.
*Forgot what street a store was on and then lamented not having a GPS with me all the while my new Garmin was in the car as well as my smart phone, which has GPS navigation.
*Mailed Christmas cards without stamps.
*Forgot to schedule the sprinkler guy to winterize our line. He is coming next week and I'll be paying extra for having him come out in the cold weather.
On top of this, we also have: forgetting to pay bills, unsure if I took medication or not for the day, falling asleep while feeding the baby in the middle of the night, forgetting to feed the pets, unsure what day of the week it is, etc. I'm hoping in a few weeks, we will have established a workable schedule. I swear, just when we think we have something figured out, EK throws us for another loop. I'm sure all parents go through this, so I can't complain. But this is definitely new to us!
Lack of sleep definitely makes a person cranky too. Last night I had my signal on for a parking space outside the pizza place. Some asshole sped up and took it. This was the first time I was out with EK on my own. We were minutes away from her next feeding, it was drizzling outside and I was starving. And some guy took my spot. Since I had misplaced my handicapped parking tag, I had to park in the back of the lot. I came flying out of my car with EK in her car seat and that guy was smart enough to hide in his car until I passed him by. Woe be unto him if he had confronted me. Raaarrrr BEX SMASH.
But all in all, we are all healthy. I sing dumb songs to EK, rock her, talk to her, sit with her on the couch, staring stupidly at the tv, not absorbing anything I see...oh yeah, happy thoughts! We love our little girl and are enjoying her happy awake moments when she takes in the world around her. Here we are, resting on the couch this morning.
Now we both are seeing pink elephants.
That's about it for today. I don't think I can remember anything else that I had wanted to post. And I just realized that I forgot to eat breakfast. I guess that means a big lunch? So tired. Have a good day everyone, tschus!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Tough job
It's only been a couple of weeks but I already feel overwhelmed. I was only alone half the day today and I found myself unable to juggle the bottle, the dogs, cleaning nipples, answering the phone, emptying the dishwasher and trying to comfort a newborn who would not settle down for anything. She fussed, she flailed, she wanted to eat every two hours, even though we had worked up to every four hours. Today was just not her day, even though she slept well last night. And I even had a break over the last two nights! My wonderful mother-in-law kept her in her room for the last couple of nights to give us some rest.
I'm not sure what I will do when she leaves and I'm taking night shifts and doing the day stuff. I already feel like I'm failing, barely treading water. I hope this gets better.
Granted not every day will an embroidered pillow case get looped around the button on my back pocket. Of course the phone rings while I'm turning circles around myself, trying to get a pillow unstuck from my ass, with a baby in one hand, my chin on the bottle while she feeds and then the fuckin' phone rings. Then again, maybe it WILL be that crazy every day.
Sometimes I think maybe I don't have the touch. Maybe I don't talk to her enough or the house is too loud, or maybe too quiet. Too cold? Am I not holding her right? Is she feeding laying too flat, too upright? Have I coaxed enough burps out of her? She farted, does that mean she's going to poop? I can't leave her sleeping in a poopy diaper can I?
*sigh*
I hope it gets better. Soon. Or maybe Santa will bring me a saner, better balanced brain.
I'm not sure what I will do when she leaves and I'm taking night shifts and doing the day stuff. I already feel like I'm failing, barely treading water. I hope this gets better.
Granted not every day will an embroidered pillow case get looped around the button on my back pocket. Of course the phone rings while I'm turning circles around myself, trying to get a pillow unstuck from my ass, with a baby in one hand, my chin on the bottle while she feeds and then the fuckin' phone rings. Then again, maybe it WILL be that crazy every day.
Sometimes I think maybe I don't have the touch. Maybe I don't talk to her enough or the house is too loud, or maybe too quiet. Too cold? Am I not holding her right? Is she feeding laying too flat, too upright? Have I coaxed enough burps out of her? She farted, does that mean she's going to poop? I can't leave her sleeping in a poopy diaper can I?
*sigh*
I hope it gets better. Soon. Or maybe Santa will bring me a saner, better balanced brain.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Big Baby Blog
Today my baby Elsa is two weeks old, and I think I have aged about 2 years. :) The following is her birth story, my grey hairs and a bit about how we all are doing.
We went into the hospital Sunday night to start Cervidel but were sent home as I seemed to be doing well enough on my own. We happily drove the 20 miles back home and woke at 2AM to return to the hospital. At 4AM they wheeled me up to my room and started poking and prodding me. I had my first panic attack with the IV (standard behavior on my part) and had to get a puke trough. Ron kindly smuggled me some water to wash the acid vurp back down my throat. Soon after, they started the Pitocin.
Here I am being interviewed by Ron that morning:
Ron never did a follow-up because after this video, things got more intense. Talking wasn't something I did readily.
About 10:00 AM my doctor came in, checked me and broke my water. That doesn't feel good, I'll just be honest. Not the worst thing I've done but it really didn't feel great. And the amount of fluid coming out felt like gallons. Ron took a look and said "yuck."
Around this time, Ron flipped through the channels and what did he see?? Army of Darkness! We took it as a sign from God...and Bruce Campbell.
Paralyzed, from my hospital bed, I was crowing about how Bruce Campbell retweeted me. It took me at least 10 minutes to type my Tweet, in between contractions. That's how hardcore, I mean nerdy, I am.
After my water broke I was told to go through at least a half an hour of regular, consistent contractions before I could have an epidural. I thought that was the longest half an hour of my life, at the time. It feels like knives going through your lower abdomen, quite frankly. And then the very crabby epidural person came in and lectured me on having a lower back tattoo. I guess there is a risk of your ink being pushed into your spine and causing an infection. I really didn't have the presence of mind to tell her that she had no right to be so pissy when I was the one being ripped apart from the inside by my zombie baby. It was no picnic trying to sit up and sit still for her to put a needle into my spine but whatever. After a couple tries it was in and I thought the worst had passed.
Before bad contractions:
I kept waiting for this magical epidural to kick in and take away all my earthly pain. Tick, tick, tick...the clock kept moving, the contractions kept kicking my ass and the epidural continued to mock me. Oh sure, my feet and legs were mighty numb! If my chief complaint that day had been arthritis of the knees and ankles, boy I would have been happy. So now I can't move around and I feel like Freddy Krueger is making minced meat out of my innards. The bitchy epidural lady ran in a few times, injected more solution into my pipes but nothing changed other than my legs became heavier and heavier. (Luckily we discovered that her husband is also a Bruce Campbell fan. Finally, some common ground!)
Shortly after, I experienced a really strong contraction and it felt like the baby punched me very hard in my upper belly. I didn't know it at the time, but Ron and his mom saw the baby's heart beat drop rapidly. The nurse came in and then the doctor. The Pitocin was stopped, I was thrown on my right side and had an oxygen mask slapped on. I was told my placenta may be rupturing and if baby's heart rate dipped again, we'd be in for a c-section. At this point I started to tear up because I really didn't want that. I was afraid that if I had this surgery, it would take me a long time to recover and I didn't want to be bed ridden. So I had an hour to recover and then try again.
Soon after the possible rupturing:
With the Pitocin shut off, the contractions were very bearable. I thought, perhaps, the epidural had finally kicked in. Hooray!
Then they turned the Pitocin back on. Wah waaaaaaaaaah. No dice: the pain came back with a vengeance. I believe this was now around 11:30 AM.
Thankfully, her heartbeat did not go down again. They inserted an internal monitor which fell out during another bad contraction and another "punch" to the gut. At around 1:00 PM I called back in the nurse and told her that I felt EVERYTHING and I could no longer take the pain. Please please please give me SOMETHING to help with the pain. She examined me and announced I was 10 cm and we could start to push. They called my doc and put me on my back. It was finally time!!
I'll save you the gory details and the video where she actually was born. However it took about 35 minutes and Elsa was here! I was unable to hold her for about half an hour because the cord was wrapped around her little neck, possibly causing her heart beat to drop earlier in the day. And I was a little torn up inside, requiring some stitches to stop all the blood loss. So here she is while I was being worked on:
Ron and I bawled when she was born and we were so happy to see her.
Elsa Kimberleigh, 6 lbs, 7 oz and 19 inches long. Born November 21st.
We are all doing great, we are all tired as hell and happy too! Everything is still new and different for us and I thank you all in your patience while we adjust. Once we start sleeping more regularly, I imagine I will be more in touch with people again.
Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! Tschus!
We went into the hospital Sunday night to start Cervidel but were sent home as I seemed to be doing well enough on my own. We happily drove the 20 miles back home and woke at 2AM to return to the hospital. At 4AM they wheeled me up to my room and started poking and prodding me. I had my first panic attack with the IV (standard behavior on my part) and had to get a puke trough. Ron kindly smuggled me some water to wash the acid vurp back down my throat. Soon after, they started the Pitocin.
Here I am being interviewed by Ron that morning:
Ron never did a follow-up because after this video, things got more intense. Talking wasn't something I did readily.
About 10:00 AM my doctor came in, checked me and broke my water. That doesn't feel good, I'll just be honest. Not the worst thing I've done but it really didn't feel great. And the amount of fluid coming out felt like gallons. Ron took a look and said "yuck."
Around this time, Ron flipped through the channels and what did he see?? Army of Darkness! We took it as a sign from God...and Bruce Campbell.
Paralyzed, from my hospital bed, I was crowing about how Bruce Campbell retweeted me. It took me at least 10 minutes to type my Tweet, in between contractions. That's how hardcore, I mean nerdy, I am.
After my water broke I was told to go through at least a half an hour of regular, consistent contractions before I could have an epidural. I thought that was the longest half an hour of my life, at the time. It feels like knives going through your lower abdomen, quite frankly. And then the very crabby epidural person came in and lectured me on having a lower back tattoo. I guess there is a risk of your ink being pushed into your spine and causing an infection. I really didn't have the presence of mind to tell her that she had no right to be so pissy when I was the one being ripped apart from the inside by my zombie baby. It was no picnic trying to sit up and sit still for her to put a needle into my spine but whatever. After a couple tries it was in and I thought the worst had passed.
Before bad contractions:
I kept waiting for this magical epidural to kick in and take away all my earthly pain. Tick, tick, tick...the clock kept moving, the contractions kept kicking my ass and the epidural continued to mock me. Oh sure, my feet and legs were mighty numb! If my chief complaint that day had been arthritis of the knees and ankles, boy I would have been happy. So now I can't move around and I feel like Freddy Krueger is making minced meat out of my innards. The bitchy epidural lady ran in a few times, injected more solution into my pipes but nothing changed other than my legs became heavier and heavier. (Luckily we discovered that her husband is also a Bruce Campbell fan. Finally, some common ground!)
Shortly after, I experienced a really strong contraction and it felt like the baby punched me very hard in my upper belly. I didn't know it at the time, but Ron and his mom saw the baby's heart beat drop rapidly. The nurse came in and then the doctor. The Pitocin was stopped, I was thrown on my right side and had an oxygen mask slapped on. I was told my placenta may be rupturing and if baby's heart rate dipped again, we'd be in for a c-section. At this point I started to tear up because I really didn't want that. I was afraid that if I had this surgery, it would take me a long time to recover and I didn't want to be bed ridden. So I had an hour to recover and then try again.
Soon after the possible rupturing:
With the Pitocin shut off, the contractions were very bearable. I thought, perhaps, the epidural had finally kicked in. Hooray!
Then they turned the Pitocin back on. Wah waaaaaaaaaah. No dice: the pain came back with a vengeance. I believe this was now around 11:30 AM.
Thankfully, her heartbeat did not go down again. They inserted an internal monitor which fell out during another bad contraction and another "punch" to the gut. At around 1:00 PM I called back in the nurse and told her that I felt EVERYTHING and I could no longer take the pain. Please please please give me SOMETHING to help with the pain. She examined me and announced I was 10 cm and we could start to push. They called my doc and put me on my back. It was finally time!!
I'll save you the gory details and the video where she actually was born. However it took about 35 minutes and Elsa was here! I was unable to hold her for about half an hour because the cord was wrapped around her little neck, possibly causing her heart beat to drop earlier in the day. And I was a little torn up inside, requiring some stitches to stop all the blood loss. So here she is while I was being worked on:
Ron and I bawled when she was born and we were so happy to see her.
Elsa Kimberleigh, 6 lbs, 7 oz and 19 inches long. Born November 21st.
We are all doing great, we are all tired as hell and happy too! Everything is still new and different for us and I thank you all in your patience while we adjust. Once we start sleeping more regularly, I imagine I will be more in touch with people again.
Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! Tschus!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Posse: Assembled
I finally have my post-natal support team assembled! I've visited with my rheumatologist, my counselor and now my pain doctor, as well as my OBGYN of course. All my conditions have been addressed and I'm ready to tackle them once EK gets here.
The last to get on team Bex was my pain doctor. Since I haven't been there in a while, they made me take a drug test. I'm 9+ months pregnant and taking a drug test. It was a little weird but I understand where they are coming from. And since I disclosed everything I do take, nothing illegal or of a narcotic nature, I had nothing to hide. Still, I had an initial reaction of "Really?"
I'm not sure how so many people are abusing prescription pain killers. They don't make it easy to get a hold of them. And in my state, the pharmacies are able to track controlled prescriptions so you can't fill in one place, get another 'script and fill again somewhere else. Yet I still read articles about how people are OD'ing on prescription drugs and how states want to further regulate their use. And from what I have read on this issue, it's not the pain patients who are abusing the drugs. It's people who steal/buy/obtain pain medication without medical need for it. So to combat the addicts who don't need these drugs, we punish the people who do. Isn't that great? I say we legalize marijuana, even though apparently that is the first most abused drug in our nation. At some point, people need to learn to be responsible. If you are going to abuse drugs, you run the risk of killing yourself. I hate to be so cold-hearted, but when someone's addiction directly affects your life, you tend to get bitter and resentful.
Well now, I didn't mean to hop up on a soapbox. I'll go through the hoops because I am not abusing the system. It sucks and it means a lot more driving around, but I will do whatever I have to in order to keep active.
I'm so relieved and thankful to have everything I need all set up and ready to go. Some family members on both sides are facing health issues right now and we are worried for them. But we are thinking positive for everyone and praying for good outcomes. Nothing like a little stress right at the end, eh? :)
The last to get on team Bex was my pain doctor. Since I haven't been there in a while, they made me take a drug test. I'm 9+ months pregnant and taking a drug test. It was a little weird but I understand where they are coming from. And since I disclosed everything I do take, nothing illegal or of a narcotic nature, I had nothing to hide. Still, I had an initial reaction of "Really?"
I'm not sure how so many people are abusing prescription pain killers. They don't make it easy to get a hold of them. And in my state, the pharmacies are able to track controlled prescriptions so you can't fill in one place, get another 'script and fill again somewhere else. Yet I still read articles about how people are OD'ing on prescription drugs and how states want to further regulate their use. And from what I have read on this issue, it's not the pain patients who are abusing the drugs. It's people who steal/buy/obtain pain medication without medical need for it. So to combat the addicts who don't need these drugs, we punish the people who do. Isn't that great? I say we legalize marijuana, even though apparently that is the first most abused drug in our nation. At some point, people need to learn to be responsible. If you are going to abuse drugs, you run the risk of killing yourself. I hate to be so cold-hearted, but when someone's addiction directly affects your life, you tend to get bitter and resentful.
Well now, I didn't mean to hop up on a soapbox. I'll go through the hoops because I am not abusing the system. It sucks and it means a lot more driving around, but I will do whatever I have to in order to keep active.
I'm so relieved and thankful to have everything I need all set up and ready to go. Some family members on both sides are facing health issues right now and we are worried for them. But we are thinking positive for everyone and praying for good outcomes. Nothing like a little stress right at the end, eh? :)
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