Growing pains

Who knew you could have growing pains in your 30's? I have learned so much lately about myself and others. It hasn't been easy but I feel I'm a better person for it.

I recently had another health evaluation which led to some new diagnoses. Without getting into it, I can just say that at first, I was upset. But I found peace within. I really believe that everything happens for a reason, and it's up to us, as individuals, to decipher what that is. At times I am defensive, and also, a huge pain in the ass. But my heart is always in the right place. I always want to do right, to ensure the happiness of my family and friends, and to be true to myself. No matter what happens each day, I pray to try to understand my purpose and actions when something negative happens. At the end of the day, I have to answer to myself and the big JC.

So here I am, a day older and a little wiser. The hardest thing to do, sometimes, is to forgive those who don't ask for forgiveness. And even harder yet, to forgive ourselves. Forgiving others is not for the sake of anyone but yourself. That isn't a bad thing at all, despite how it sounds. I think we need to admit our misunderstandings or mistakes and those of others so that we can move forward, for our own well-being. After that, you can let things go. My mistake is always trying to get others to see my side of things, hoping they will understand my intentions and my heart. When that doesn't happen, I keep pressing the subject, hoping for them to suddenly understand. That is my mistake. I need to stop after the first try and move on. If something is meant to be, it will be.

Here are the things that give me joy. These things are worth fighting for.

I put a print of this in EK's room. It is part of the "Voyage of Life" series painted by Thomas Cole. This one is "Youth." I know, the Romanticism period is a bit much, but I kind of dig some of the works that emerged from it. This series is in the National Gallery of Art.

I apologize to my atheist and agnostic friends who may find their way to this post. However this is part of me. It doesn't take away from my horrible sailor mouth and I certainly do not think I'm holier than thou. I do believe in a higher purpose and to trust in the higher being to lead me through the storms. Well, I've been working on this post over three hours, so it's time for this addled brain to bring things to a close. Have a wonderful, great fucking Saturday night. Tschus.

PS. If anyone has been deleted from my Facebook page, I apologize. I am trying to cut ties to an online group that once was my support network, but now fills me with a lot of pain. Please message me if you feel you've been deleted in error. I am sorry in advance if you get upset by this.

Schadenfreude

I know we all have people like this in our lives. I've noticed it a bit more today. Ever have those friends or acquaintances who love to share in all your bad news but have nothing good to say when you have great, amazing news?

Sure it's nice to have someone commiserate when things are going poorly but a true friend can be happy for you too. I've noticed some people who never seem happy when another has found fortune and instead will make backhanded comments like "gee I wish *I* was doing XYZ." Well, if that is what you wish to do, then why don't you do it?

I understand some folks are down and out and unable to muster the happy feelings for a friend during their own times of crises, but when it is a constant thing, I kind of wonder about this person. It's such a waste of time and energy to be envious towards someone because you perceive their lives to be better. Why not put that emotion into bettering your own life? It's insulting to the people in your life if you think your life sucks and it could be so much better.

I think I used to be this kind of person. But when I felt that my life was shit, I made changes. I prayed. I had faith and opened myself up to seeing the good things around me instead of the shitty things. Once I did that, guess what? My life got better. I quit envying others and started to be really grateful for what I had. Happy for what I can still do instead of what I can no longer do.

Yesterday my husband came home from a doctor's appointment and told me about a man he met in the waiting room. This huge man was covered in gang tattoos and had his little two month old daughter with him. My husband started talking to him about his daughter, sharing with him that he was expecting his own little girl this fall. They got to talking about the man's tattoos, many he acquired while doing 18 years in prison. This man was from Compton and moved to KS after doing his time in order to make a new life for himself and his children. With his prison history and tattoos, he's had a hard time getting a job. Instead of working, he is studying to be a counselor for at-risk youth and other prisoners. Ron was so touched by this man's story and how hard he is working to better his life. He told me that while we have hard times, we just don't have it that bad. We've never had to overcome so much, like this man has.

My husband said there were several nervous stares shot in their direction during this conversation and we both marveled at how a person is judged by their outside so often instead of their inside. How easy it is to look at someone and think you know how great or how awful their lives are? I find myself doing it a lot too. Rich lady in a Lexus who is perfectly groomed, on her phone, cutting me off in the line of a drive-through. (By the way, don't get in the way of a pregnant lady and her chicken nuggets, ok??) I determined that because of her appearance and her actions, she was incredibly selfish and self-centered. That could be true, but maybe she had a sick kid at home she was trying to get to. Maybe she had diarrhea. Maybe she just had a rough day at work and wasn't thinking clearly. Who knows?

All I know is that I've paid my dues and I have a right to be happy. For each good thing that happens in our lives, Ron and I take a moment to thank God and reflect on how grateful we are. For all the bad things we experience, we try to learn from them. So I guess I get a little tired when I read the back handed comments, when I notice the chilly responses to good news or the lack of any response at all. I always try to be happy for people, to celebrate with them and encourage them. I also am there for them when they experience loss, sadness, and frustration.

So yes, good news has come to us on the tail of some bad news. But we are seeing both outcomes as good things and choosing to dwell on the positives. Yes, Horace has a horrible diagnosis and he's going to be a tough case. He has severe hip dysplasia which we didn't expect in a mutt who is only around 2 years old. In the last week alone we've spent over $400 on his medical issues. Next week we are spending another $350 to set him up with a trainer. I have over $900 in medical bills that I need to pay but so what? I've set up a payment plan and have stuck to it. Horace has needs now. Sure it would be easier to put him down. He's growly and he has pain issues.

But let's go back to Rowdy. Rowdy the dog who came to us around age 12, abandoned in the street because his arthritis was so bad, he was deaf and had lost nearly all his front teeth. That dog NEVER had a chance at a happy life with medical care, kisses and understanding. But here comes Horace into our lives. Same severe hip issues as Rowdy but so much younger. He has a chance if only we will give it to him. This shit does not happen by chance my friends. Everything happens for a reason.

We have time to save up the money for Horace's hip surgeries. And guess what? Ron got a new job a day after the diagnosis. We will be able to save up for that now. Coincidence? Not in our eyes.

Will life give us rotten lemons again? I can guarantee it. We'll face more hurdles, shitty health, insanity from a crying, sick baby, etc. But there will be sunny days, picnics in the park, doggie kisses, baby smiles, love and laughter.

Alles gut meinen freunden. Alles gut.

Tschus.