Of Sound Mind

I just want to be healthy.

Everything I am responsible for stems off of a healthy Me. How can I feed the family healthfully yet inexpensively? How can I strengthen my muscles to better support my joints? Where is that happy medium between working out enough and overdoing it? I'm struggling to figure that out and I've been looking for answers for over six years. I just want to be healthy.

However I found myself these past years not so much searching for what I had intended; I was searching for a cure. I've tried alternative medicine and treatments, I've put all kinds of pharmaceuticals into my body, I've tried diet, exercise, singing Kumbaya until my face was blue. Nothing worked! It's only recently that I realized the difference between working with what I've got versus forcing my body to work like a "normal" person's body.. If you can't beat it, join it! Or something along that lines.

Just because I have these problems doesn't mean I can't be healthy. By saying to myself "I'm sick, I can't do that," I just set myself up to fail. I've quit before I've even tried. Wow, how many cool things have I missed out on because of negative thinking? Sure, I probably can't stand in general admission at a rock concert anymore but I can do other things. It's about being realistic and surrounding myself with the right support system. I can't run a mile right now but maybe I could work up to it someday. I can't clean all my house in one day either but I can clean one room a day. It's about setting realistic goals that build off one another.

But there is also a flip side to this: If I do all these things I supposedly shouldn't be able to do, people will think I'm lying about having these conditions. Now let me just stop you here and I'll reiterate that statement: If I stay active, exercise, and participate in life, people will think I'm lying about having RA, Hashimoto's, Fibromyalgia, TMJ and Endometriosis. This sounds absolutely crazy but these worries come from learned experience. Let me explain. In the past I went through a phase where I could do a lot socially and then my body rebelled; I'd make plans and have to break them. A LOT. A group of friends I was hanging out with called me a liar (in a round-about, passive-aggressive way) and I lost a whole group of friends over it. They didn't believe that I could go out to eat after a 9 hour work day last month but have to break off plans to see a movie or attend an event the next month. After a few times of having to cancel due to pure exhaustion and pain, there was an ugly confrontation. So in the back of my mind I have been closing myself off from people so they WON'T ask me to do anything. That way I don't risk them thinking I am a liar if and when I have to cancel on them. Maybe that's not something I should actively worry about but the experience has stuck with me.

I just want to be healthy. And instead of searching the ends of the Earth for my "holy grail" in the form of a miracle cure, maybe it's better just to be. This is my new self, for better or worse, and it's not always great but it's not always horrible. And if I can do one thing today and not tomorrow, to hell with what others think. If they can't be bothered to get educated on what I deal with every day, then they aren't my friends. I can be a healthy person who has RA, Hashimoto's, Fibromyalgia, TMJ and Endometriosis.

Tune in later this week when I recap the Shredder Weekend in Chicago that I attended last weekend! It was a great trip and very enlightening, as well as motivating. Have a good Monday, tschus!

Death by cuteness

I've finally gone over to the Darkside. And by Darkside, I mean pink. It's as if a pink cloud of butterflies, glitter and tweeting birds swallowed me whole and shit out a cuter, sweeter version of Bex.

As some of you remember, I tried very hard to stay away from the garish combinations of pinks and other shades of pastels when we found out we were having a girl. But now that EK has hit toddler-hood (also known as Bi-polar Demon Baby) I've had a chance to see what looks good on her and what doesn't. The kid looks good in pink, what can I say? She has the perfect skin tone that is flattered by pinks and yellows. With great effort I pushed aside my tomboy ways and looked for decor and outfits that make her happy and look good on/with her.

I originally wanted to do a huge project on her room with a chair rail and pink accents but after seeing how much work and money that would take, I settled on doing some cute stencils. I picked out two shades of pink and ordered stencils from Cutting Edge Stencils. Cutting Edge Stencils, by far, has the best stencils I've seen. And they have great tutorials and excellent customer service so when you F up your walls, they are quick to suggest solutions to your gaffe. Even after practicing first in the garage, I still messed up, but that's me. Others may find it much easier to do. I chose a delicate, nature themed design with curling branches, leaves and butterflies. I also picked out birds and branches for our master bedroom to do later. I borrowed one of the birds from that design to use in EK's room. So here is how it turned out. The really light color isn't white but is actually a very delicate pink. The butterflies are more of a Pepto color, which really pops on the dark brown wall.

That took all day to do because I don't have the stamina to just blow through it. And since I never did master stenciling without making the paint bleed underneath the plastic, I had to go back and fix the really bad parts by hand. So if you look closely at it, you can see all the blunders. But at a normal distance, it's just fine. And it will be easy to paint over when we sell this place. So here is a quick look at the master bedroom wall that I've pondered over for a couple of years. I don't want to put a headboard on the bed and I could never find the right size of art to go there so stenciling fit the bill. And the damn cold air return is RIGHT THERE in the way. I just went under it like it wasn't there. No worries.

Now I am eyeing the TV room in the basement. Hmmmmm....Well that's all for today. Have a wonderful night and make it a great week!! Tschus.

Bex Blitz

Hello faceless void, aka interwebz! This week I bring you news of my successes and the direction I find myself meandering towards. As of late, I have Shredded 20 lbs! I can't tell you how much my life has changed for the better because of the Shred Revolution diet and lifestyle. I've lost weight, gained confidence, made friends and set new goals for myself.

Early in February I was fortunate enough to head up to Fox 4 and meet Dr. Ian Smith himself! I also met my cyber friend Sheri who has become a real life friend now. I cannot tell you how nice and caring Dr. Smith is. He truly cares about people and wants to help anyone interested in losing weight and gaining better health. I just cannot recommend this enough to other people! Sheri has been great to me when I've felt down about my roadblocks and I look forward to spending more time with her in the near future.

So if you are interested in seeing Sheri and I with Dr. Smith on Fox 4, here is the video. More information can be found here on the Fox 4 website or here on Dr. Smith's site. There is also a very active community of people on Facebook and Twitter.

Click HERE for the video.

I had my cravings under control and in fact, I didn't want to eat for weeks. I mentioned previously that I didn't feel well. Even worse than usual. My doctors didn't seem to know why or think there was anything really worrisome about it. After researching it myself, I found that when coming off prednisone, a person can experience adrenal fatigue. Some symptoms of your body not producing enough coritisol (the stress hormone) on its own are lower blood pressure, fatigue, lack of appetite. Oh shit! Well that makes sense. But I never thought this could happen to me because I was tapering down so slowly and because I hadn't been on, what my doctors say, is a very high dose. Let me tell you. Fuck the doctors. I know my body better than they do. I KNOW when something's not right and I felt so bad, that I was scared to take my meds. I was scared to take my nighttime pills because I was afraid I wouldn't wake up in the morning. Now maybe I was being paranoid, but when your blood pressure feels low and is commented on at every damn different medical office you go to, except for the doctor I complained to, and I feel dizzy and almost faint when standing, then you know it's a problem. So I begrudgingly went back up on the prednisone. And guess what? I'm starving. I pray that getting back on a strict regimen of Shred will help keep the weight from creeping back on and keep me from eating the entire house. Another stumbling block!!

But right this minute I am going to celebrate the 20 lb loss. I hope my blog next year isn't describing a Bex who is back to battling the bulge, back where I started and more. So here is my before and after shot. Before is when EK was about 5 months and now she's 15 months. I'm proud of the work I've done. I hope I can keep it up and this blog will reflect all the achievements and setbacks. By blogging I hope to keep things in perspective and stay accountable. Being healthy is not easy. You have to work at it all the time. Being sick is very easy: you just do nothing.

SMASH time again

Hello folks. It's been another one of those weeks and with the culmination of this frustration tomorrow morning. I saw my rheumatologist on Monday. Normally I really like her but I listed off my concerns to her and all I get is: well your labs have always been fine. That's it. LOOK AT ME. Look at my skin, look at the circles under my eyes. LISTEN TO ME. I'm telling you things aren't right. I don't care what the fucking labs say.

Then I get the push-off to other doctors. This happens at almost every appointment. "Well this doesn't sound like RA. Sounds like fibromyalgia and as you know, we don't treat that. I can send you to someone or you can see one of your other doctors." So I say, "well maybe I can talk to my neurologist whom I love but is located way the hell over in Missouri." Then we talk about my extreme fatigue, the lack of appetite, severe bruising all over my body, etc. and she says it could be adrenal fatigue from coming down on the steroids that SHE prescribes. All righty, that makes sense to me. So what's next? "You should go see your endocrinologist or your GP about that, although most GP's aren't good at running those tests." ---SIGH--- I came home feeling a bit rageful and immediately refueled the rage by upping my dose immediately of prednisone. Then that night I was so crabby, I worked out for 45 mins to stop feeling so angry. By the next day I could hardly move, my whole body ached and my knees felt like sharp nails were driven through them. Oh well. It's ok I can take it easy, oh no wait! I have to dig out part of the driveway so my husband could get home from his business trip. So much pain. Sooooooooo much pain. And today? Today I had my TMJ shot. I can hardly open my mouth so things like flossing and eating solid foods isn't happening. I was excited for this one! But he put quite a bit of medicine in there and it's really sore. Plus my baby, once again, managed to clock me in the jaw. Damn kid could do some kind of baby MMA fighting, I swear.

So I begged my endocrinologist to get me in STAT to talk about this and hopefully run some tests. Maybe he can get me off this friggin' awful drug, although when I'm on it, I have less pain. Double edged sword. I am prepared to be told nothing's wrong, I'm not showing enough signs, etc. I am prepared to BEG for help. Please someone, for fuck's sake, help me. I'm so torn about this. On one side, I think maybe the doctor's are right in their flippant attitudes. This is as good as it gets for me. The pain and fatigue will forever be this bad. Or, is it the other side of me. The side that keeps fighting and fighting. NO! This is not acceptable! We can do better but I can't do this shit on my own, buying supplements from every quack on the internet! Some of this stuff causes interactions with my medications. I want to be safe and responsible but most of all, I want to make improvements. So wish me luck tomorrow. I go early in the AM.

I hate doctors.

Here is a quick pic of what I take every day.

These are the bruises I'm referring to above. The legs have the worst of it. But I get them on my arms, my rear end and sometimes chest. But the legs take the brunt of whatever is happening. I don't remember getting these at all. Sometimes when I lean against a counter, or push a heavy drawer closed with my legs, I can feel the pain. But most times I don't remember it.

How is this, layered on top of all my other complains, normal? I don't know what I'll do if I get blown off again. Hopefully I'll keep my language clean though. Well, time to get to bed. Guten nacht. Wish me luck.

Rolling with the tides

I've started and deleted so many blog posts now that I've lost count. Where am I in my life? What should this blog focus on, represent? My life is so up and down, this and that, OCD layered in piles of chaos. It doesn't matter so much to me what people want to read. It matters what I want to say. But I don't know where I am or where I'm going now, other than raising a fabulous, impish little girl. I'm a mom and wife, first and foremost, but what else can I be?

I honestly believe the cliche "Life is a journey, not a destination." Your identity is fluid, not static. Your interests and circumstances change, your abilities change, the people in your life change, etc. I'm still VERY interested in embroidery and cross stitch. But with EK mobile, I can't find a lot of time to do it. She has learned to walk, crawl up onto my lap and computer and stitching, crawl onto the back of the couch, you name it. So that's fallen to the wayside, which sucks. It's such a good way to meditate. But I know someday I will get back to it. My other pursuits include researching ways to upgrade the house. I'm trying to use some stencils to update some big, blank walls. Currently I am practicing with the stencils in the garage because I haven't nailed how much paint to use and pressure on the rollers. I'm getting some paint bleed so I need a little more practice before I bring it into the house. I'm also constantly (and I mean CONSTANTLY) researching ways to be as healthy as possible. I even looked up oil pulling the other night. (Google it. What a weird concept.) I drink a cup or two of unprocessed organic cocoa powder every day with almond milk and skim milk and a little Stevia. Unprocessed cocoa powder helps with regularity. I have a smoothie consisting of a raw egg, kale, frozen berries, carrots, unrefined, organic coconut oil, and a banana every morning. Then I take two teaspoons of lemon-flavored fish oil and pour it into a shot glass. I then add some liquid Vitamin D and shoot it like a shot. I take digestive enzymes and probiotics too. My natural health doc gives me breathing treatments with glutathione which is supposed to help heal the immune system. It's insane to me, and terribly expensive, that I am doing all this along with the removal of gluten in my diet. When I even think about going out to eat, I can't easily find somewhere to eat.

I also quit washing my hair everyday to help preserve my hair color. And I'm trying to rid the house of products with parabens. (What a joke. Pretty much all my hair and face products contain them. Organic, hippie, safe cosmetics will cost you an arm, leg and then some.) I cringe when I think of all the things in baby products. I try to use the best and most affordable things on her as I can but it's hard. Keeping yourself and your family safe from chemicals in your home should NOT be cost prohibitive. The FDA is a JOKE. What you hear is true: "Don't rely on the government to take care of you."

So this is what I do now. And I guess my blog will be ever evolving. I do hope to continue stitching designs and other arty endeavors. And I'll try to report the health stuff as I understand it. I'll report on the things I've tried, even if they are stupid in hindsight! And I'm sure I'll go on some rant eventually. I can only go so long without one. So that's where this blog is at for right now. Stay tuned!

Tschus.

An hour in the day in the life of...

Last week I fought some crazy idiot online who stole my photos and used personal information about my family and hobbies to create a fake Facebook profile. Can you believe it? Should I be flattered? I wasn't. I was all BEX SMASH about it and am pleased that the profile is gone now. But I do feel really weird about posting anything again. So I've been going back and forth about taking down this blog or making it private. I'm still on the fence so if this thing goes private, the two of you who read it will need to register. No biggie.

Despite the identity thievin' sonsabitches, I thought I'd post my morning thus far. It's very exciting, so prepare to be wowed. In the mornings, I lay in bed, listening to the baby monitor beep and wish I could hit the snooze button. Babies don't have snooze buttons. Why is it that I can only sleep comfortably and blissfully when I have to get up? Then I limp to the bathroom, take my pills and start the day.

As soon as I entered the kitchen, the dogs wanted treats. I have no biscuits to give them so I dumped a bunch of stale Pupcorn on the floor and let them go to town.

Horry, chillin' among his Pupcorn remnants.

After making some very weak coffee (I can't handle caffeine anymore. What curse is this, that has fallen upon me????!) I checked in with the baby. She was hyper right out of the starting gate. I put a book and the Dream Lites pillow in her crib to distract her while I made a bottle. Now, it specifically says on this pillow not to let your child stare directly into the lights. That is why we don't put it in her crib with her. First of all she'd press the button all night and mess around with it. Secondly she'd stare into the lights and something bad would happen. I don't know, it could damage her eyes or swallow her soul or something. Anyways, I've renamed it the Hypnotoad.

That's just the first hour of my day. I would continue, but the baby has a load in her diaper and also would like to play with me. Phewie! And some day she won't have poop in her pants (I hope) and will have nothing to do with me because she'll finally realize I'm not cool. So I better take advantage of this time, poop or not, and hang with little E. I'll eventually have breakfast, renew some drug prescriptions over the phone, leave yet another message for my no-good lawyer and then pray nap time goes well so I can put my feet up again. And if I'm lucky, I'll have the energy to go to Walmart and buy formula. Oh happy day!! Heh, all right, enough sarcasm for now.

Have a fan-tab-ulous day. Eat well, get some exercise and make time to play. Tschus.

2013

With a flip of the calendar, we automatically proclaim that everything is new again. New you, new goals, new attitude. I am glad I started my "news" before the calendar needs its flipping. My goals aren't resolutions so much as lifestyle changers. Here is what I hope to accomplish.

1. Continue my weight loss journey. I was 172 when my Elsa weight came off which was about where I was when I got pregnant. That was last spring some time. In mid-September (when I started keeping track) I was 168.5. Today I am 157. I have not gone down a size, which pisses me off. However I've noticed my thighs are pretty muscular and maybe after the fat there is reduced, I can shimmy into my old pants. I think I'll always have thick thighs but that's ok.

2. Get rid of gluten in my diet. This one is a biggie. Originally, I scoffed the idea of wheat and gluten being a big inflammatory in our diets. I thought it was a bunch of hippie bullshit. Now I am not so sure. Everything I'm reading makes sense. I'm one of those "don't believe it until I research it myself" kind of people. So that's what I am doing and I've read enough to sway me to change. The hubs is on board and Elsa doesn't give a shit, so what the hell. It's going to be HARD but it is worth a try. It would be like a gift from God to feel better.

3. Reduce or eliminate medications. It would be nice to not have the side effects like drowsiness, crabbiness, craziness, weight gain, fatigue, dizziness to deal with daily.

4. Home improvement. This one is a year-long goal. There are a few small projects that we (i.e., my husband) can do to improve the appearance of this house. A few more areas need paint and some new stick-on linoleum would be nice in certain places. Nothing fancy, but I think a few changes here and there will help sell this place in a few years.

With the changes already made in our lives, most of these things don't seem so daunting. I am close to my goal weight and reducing medications seems plausible. The gluten thing feels like a hefty challenge but that will be easier once I learn new recipes and throw all my flour out. (sad, sad face) The home projects will be nice but expensive. That's why I am spreading this thing out over a year and more. I also have other silly resolutions like wearing sun block when I walk the dogs in the summer. (say goodbye to that farmer tan) So what are your resolutions and life changers? I hope you have some good ones, ones that are realistic and important to you. Good luck to everyone on the new calendar. Look at it this way, we've escaped how many apocalypses so far? We've GOT this!