A chapter closed

A couple of months ago my ex-husband passed away unexpectedly. There were rumors of suicide, accidental death and natural causes. I still do not really know what happened. What I do know is that he was very depressed the day of his death, and he had been drinking heavily.

I went through a gamut of emotions: anger, sadness, grief. I am mostly worried for my step-daughter. I don't want her to be in pain, but I know she is. How could she not be? Her dad was only 38, the same age my mother was when she passed. It's coincidences like this that confirm my beliefs that my marriage to him was never meant to be, but we were brought together so that I could be in his daughter's life. If I could, I would move her in this house right now but she needs to be where she is now. And her mother loves her very much, of that I am sure.

As part of my struggle to come to terms with my feelings in this and what happened, I wanted to know who he had been after our divorce. It appeared to me that he became a whole different person. No longer a country western type of guy, he now had numerous facial piercings, a mohawk and dyed hair. He was into punk music and roller derby. In fact, it seems his roller derby friends became a family to him. I reached out to a couple of them, hoping someone would talk to me about his last year but I was ignored. Had he mentioned my name to them and said such awful things that no one wanted anything to do with me? Or had they just simply not wanted to respond to anyone? I have no idea. I still feel some weird need to understand who he was, but it is fading. I just see all these references to how he was a great father and a gentle soul, etc. I can't help but think back on my 7.5 years with him and remember he started out that way, but as his depression worsened, he became volatile, angry, sullen and withdrawn. His interpersonal relationships were damaged at every job he had too. I remember explosive arguments, with objects violently thrown around and walls hit. And in the years after our split, he had trouble with the law and relinquished custody of his child. And this is Dr. Awesomesauce, as he was known? I never could completely forgive him for all of that. I had nightmares for years after I left. Certainly no one but he and I, and his daughter, knew how bad it could get. Not at all awesome, in my eyes.

But there were some good times, I must admit. He was extremely intelligent. He never forgot one thing he read. He was never satisfied buying something when he thought he could make it himself. He taught me to cook too. He was very good at making things from scratch and often spent hours canning vegetables, making sauces and salsas, breads, and other foods. He could be generous with his time and would help his friends with various projects.

I was terrified of him. And now that is over. I don't have to be afraid ever again. I can still be sad he's gone though. I'm sad the man I cared for is gone and that his daughter has to go through life without her father to guide her. My heart breaks for her and I wish I could take that pain away. But it's time for that chapter of my life to close and for wounds to finally heal. Such is life.

Sinus-palooza

The struggle continues. Maybe I am so focused on weight loss because I can't control any of the other things going on with my body. It's more challenging to keep up with little Miss Hyperdrive these days. The kid is crafty. Sometimes she will give me a little look, a sly grin...then launches off like a crazy, baby torpedo. I've noticed my body is trying to adapt to the new physical demands of parenthood. My biceps are the biggest I've ever seen them. But a few things are not 100%, like my knees. Oh wow, I tried standing up from a crouching position while holding EK today and I couldn't do it. It hurt so much! And she's the age now where she wants to be held; asking with her big, baby browns and her little hands, pulling on my pants. And twice now, I've blacked out momentarily when standing up too fast, once holding EK. We were about to fall over when my head cleared. Does any of this worry me? Hell yes it does. But what the hell can I do about it? I've told doctors about these things and they never seem concerned. If it doesn't show up on an xray or blood test, they don't seem to think there is a real problem. All in her head, they may say to themselves. When your medical audience is apathetic, you eventually assume the same attitude. Also known as "FUCK IT."

So I've had blood coming out of my nose whenever I try to blow it. This has been going on for about two weeks. I'm always congested but it's been worse lately and now with the constant bleeding from my head, my nasal passages are swollen and painful to touch. I've let this go because I figured I'd be told it's just allergies and I'd go home feeling like an idiot for rushing to the clinic to head off an infection. So now the nurse tells me over the phone I better come in because it's probably an infection. No shit? How about you save me the trip by looking at my chart and seeing I've been in twice this year for sinus issues. Then kindly call in a prescription for a Zpack. Nope, got to go to the walk-in clinic. No appointment for you! You go to the walk-in clinic, now! So I'm getting my happy ass up early in the AM to hopefully get in first at the fucking walk-in clinic. Yes, because people with a shitty immune system love to sit in a clinic's waiting room for an hour and a half. Sorry, I am just frustrated because I'll have to reschedule my neurology appointment for the fifth time. Can you tell I hate walk-in clinics?

Thanks for letting me vent. I think I hear a shot of Nyquil calling my name. And maybe a couple of tampons for my nose. Have a good'un. Tschus.

Never Give Up

Today is a new day. Today I started out with banana bread. To be fair, I really wanted to try out some new gluten-free flour I received through a Groupon Deal. It's called Jules Gluten-Free, if you are curious. And who wants to waste those mushy bananas? Well it turned out better than I expected and I know how to tweak it a little for next time. But it's 4 Weight Watcher points a piece. Ouch.

What? You expected me to transform overnight? Ha, me neither. I'll get there though.

For several months I've been true to my elliptical trainer, doing most of my workouts with it. Sometimes I could hardly do 10 minutes, but I had to try. Despite being low impact, it does make my knee click quite a bit but, my knees are going to scream no matter what I do. I've tried doing some low impact aerobics and little walks with the dogs or baby when it was nice. Today I tried Zumba with the X-Box Connect. I did the easiest level and sweat my ass off. I KNOW I wasn't doing the dance moves right but I didn't care. So what if my silhouette didn't match up with the person on screen? Hell, there was always at least one dog behind me during the workout so I blame them for messing up my score. Sure....the dog did it. Mmmhmm. I flailed and stepped and turned around in the basement, not really doing Zumba so much as Grover's "Near/Far" routine.

Whatever you look like when you workout, be it at the gym or in your basement, don't worry what you look like. Concentrate on how your body feels and try to have some fun. And when you fall or forget the steps, just get right back to it. Rome wasn't conquered in a day. Slow and steady win the race. Insert other inspirational cliche here. Ok, I think I'll stop now and finish eating my baby carrots. Until next time...tschus.

Yo-yo

I am ashamed of myself. Forgive me God, for I have sinned. I have regained 10 lbs! TEN POUNDS. It is sobering to even type it!

What happened, you say? It all started around Easter. We bought all kinds of goodies for our daughter's basket. Well you can only fit so much in the little, plastic eggs so I started eating what was leftover. Also, why the hell did we even do the basket? It's not as if we would let a one year old go crazy and eat a bunch of sugary foods. So what were we thinking? I can't speak for my spouse, but I think it was an excuse for me to bring the food into this house. During my weight loss success, I could not eat what I did not have. So therefore, I never learned willpower or moderation. Once the flood gates open, it's hard to stop the flood. And boy did I "flood" my body with candy bars. It became a way of injecting my brain with that wonderful rush of euphoric chocolaty goodness. The giant "ON" button for a quick serotonin fix.

Also about this time I switched some of my medications. One drug I had been on had the amazing side effect of killing my appetite. It also seriously lowered my already low blood pressure. I became dizzy and exhausted. Half my day was sleeping while the baby slept. So the doctor switched me to something else and my blood pressure went back to the normal 80/110. My appetite returned too. Boy howdy, did it ever! So the appetite sharply rising along with Easter candy equaled a huge setback on my weight loss journey.

I am so pissed at myself. I'm pissed that I am still on medications that make me hungry and pissed I am an emotional eater on top of this pile of dieting disasters. By the time I attended the Shredder Nation weekend in Chicago last month, I was already up about 8 pounds. I even managed to gain weight while I was there! How embarrassing.

But I want to take this time to comment on that weekend. Other than my own setbacks, I had a BLAST! I met some really great people and I learned more about nutrition and exercise. I felt truly inspired and excited listening to all the testimonials. It was worth every penny. And I got to see a little bit of Chicago, my first trip to the Windy City. I bought a new purse and am now loving dehydrated apricots and dark chocolate covered cranberries. Dr. Ian was great and boy, did he run us hard during the workouts! I love Dr. Ian and what he's done for so many people.

Now that I'm back home and back to my routine, I find myself wondering how the hell do I get back on track? I can't go back to starving myself, which is what was happening on that medication. I am not physically able to workout aggressively. In fact my arthritis is flared up a bit and my fibromyalgia flares come and go. I could start all over with Shred and do that again. However I found myself starting the plan over and deviating far too much. I wanted some freedom to eat some of the foods I loved! I have heard so many people swear that Weight Watchers gave them tools to lose tons of weight. I decided to try a three month, online membership to see what all the hoopla is about.

At first it seemed pretty easy to eat within my points. But it's harder than I thought! I realize it's all about me making better choices. I am appalled however how just eating a typical meal with a meat, veggie and piece of bread costs me half my day's worth of points! They "nickle and dime" ya on this plan. Piece of bread, 2 points. Plus 1 point for a smidge of buttery spread. Plus another point for jelly. Three points for oatmeal and another 2 points for a cup of fat-free milk. Coffee is zero but if you put some of that delicious Coffee Mate in it, you have to add a least one or two more points. So now I'm at 10 points for breakfast and am only allowed 26 points a day! Ok, ok I must learn to start the day with less. Coffee and oatmeal, 5 pts. Lunch needs to stay around 5 pts as well as supper. That leaves me about 5 points for snacks. BUT fruit and veggies are free! However some of the members will warn you that eating all the fruit you want every day will overload your body with sugar, causing you to potentially GAIN weight. Good lord, you are F'd no matter what, it seems.

What's a girl to do? Shred, which has worked in the past but is a bit restrictive, or Weight Watchers with points that I seem to run out of by mid-day? What if it's possible to do both? And if so, is there any advantage to this method? Well I'm going to find out. I'll report back on that soon. Wish me luck! Or sanity. I'll take either one! Tschus.

Of Sound Mind

I just want to be healthy.

Everything I am responsible for stems off of a healthy Me. How can I feed the family healthfully yet inexpensively? How can I strengthen my muscles to better support my joints? Where is that happy medium between working out enough and overdoing it? I'm struggling to figure that out and I've been looking for answers for over six years. I just want to be healthy.

However I found myself these past years not so much searching for what I had intended; I was searching for a cure. I've tried alternative medicine and treatments, I've put all kinds of pharmaceuticals into my body, I've tried diet, exercise, singing Kumbaya until my face was blue. Nothing worked! It's only recently that I realized the difference between working with what I've got versus forcing my body to work like a "normal" person's body.. If you can't beat it, join it! Or something along that lines.

Just because I have these problems doesn't mean I can't be healthy. By saying to myself "I'm sick, I can't do that," I just set myself up to fail. I've quit before I've even tried. Wow, how many cool things have I missed out on because of negative thinking? Sure, I probably can't stand in general admission at a rock concert anymore but I can do other things. It's about being realistic and surrounding myself with the right support system. I can't run a mile right now but maybe I could work up to it someday. I can't clean all my house in one day either but I can clean one room a day. It's about setting realistic goals that build off one another.

But there is also a flip side to this: If I do all these things I supposedly shouldn't be able to do, people will think I'm lying about having these conditions. Now let me just stop you here and I'll reiterate that statement: If I stay active, exercise, and participate in life, people will think I'm lying about having RA, Hashimoto's, Fibromyalgia, TMJ and Endometriosis. This sounds absolutely crazy but these worries come from learned experience. Let me explain. In the past I went through a phase where I could do a lot socially and then my body rebelled; I'd make plans and have to break them. A LOT. A group of friends I was hanging out with called me a liar (in a round-about, passive-aggressive way) and I lost a whole group of friends over it. They didn't believe that I could go out to eat after a 9 hour work day last month but have to break off plans to see a movie or attend an event the next month. After a few times of having to cancel due to pure exhaustion and pain, there was an ugly confrontation. So in the back of my mind I have been closing myself off from people so they WON'T ask me to do anything. That way I don't risk them thinking I am a liar if and when I have to cancel on them. Maybe that's not something I should actively worry about but the experience has stuck with me.

I just want to be healthy. And instead of searching the ends of the Earth for my "holy grail" in the form of a miracle cure, maybe it's better just to be. This is my new self, for better or worse, and it's not always great but it's not always horrible. And if I can do one thing today and not tomorrow, to hell with what others think. If they can't be bothered to get educated on what I deal with every day, then they aren't my friends. I can be a healthy person who has RA, Hashimoto's, Fibromyalgia, TMJ and Endometriosis.

Tune in later this week when I recap the Shredder Weekend in Chicago that I attended last weekend! It was a great trip and very enlightening, as well as motivating. Have a good Monday, tschus!

Death by cuteness

I've finally gone over to the Darkside. And by Darkside, I mean pink. It's as if a pink cloud of butterflies, glitter and tweeting birds swallowed me whole and shit out a cuter, sweeter version of Bex.

As some of you remember, I tried very hard to stay away from the garish combinations of pinks and other shades of pastels when we found out we were having a girl. But now that EK has hit toddler-hood (also known as Bi-polar Demon Baby) I've had a chance to see what looks good on her and what doesn't. The kid looks good in pink, what can I say? She has the perfect skin tone that is flattered by pinks and yellows. With great effort I pushed aside my tomboy ways and looked for decor and outfits that make her happy and look good on/with her.

I originally wanted to do a huge project on her room with a chair rail and pink accents but after seeing how much work and money that would take, I settled on doing some cute stencils. I picked out two shades of pink and ordered stencils from Cutting Edge Stencils. Cutting Edge Stencils, by far, has the best stencils I've seen. And they have great tutorials and excellent customer service so when you F up your walls, they are quick to suggest solutions to your gaffe. Even after practicing first in the garage, I still messed up, but that's me. Others may find it much easier to do. I chose a delicate, nature themed design with curling branches, leaves and butterflies. I also picked out birds and branches for our master bedroom to do later. I borrowed one of the birds from that design to use in EK's room. So here is how it turned out. The really light color isn't white but is actually a very delicate pink. The butterflies are more of a Pepto color, which really pops on the dark brown wall.

That took all day to do because I don't have the stamina to just blow through it. And since I never did master stenciling without making the paint bleed underneath the plastic, I had to go back and fix the really bad parts by hand. So if you look closely at it, you can see all the blunders. But at a normal distance, it's just fine. And it will be easy to paint over when we sell this place. So here is a quick look at the master bedroom wall that I've pondered over for a couple of years. I don't want to put a headboard on the bed and I could never find the right size of art to go there so stenciling fit the bill. And the damn cold air return is RIGHT THERE in the way. I just went under it like it wasn't there. No worries.

Now I am eyeing the TV room in the basement. Hmmmmm....Well that's all for today. Have a wonderful night and make it a great week!! Tschus.

Bex Blitz

Hello faceless void, aka interwebz! This week I bring you news of my successes and the direction I find myself meandering towards. As of late, I have Shredded 20 lbs! I can't tell you how much my life has changed for the better because of the Shred Revolution diet and lifestyle. I've lost weight, gained confidence, made friends and set new goals for myself.

Early in February I was fortunate enough to head up to Fox 4 and meet Dr. Ian Smith himself! I also met my cyber friend Sheri who has become a real life friend now. I cannot tell you how nice and caring Dr. Smith is. He truly cares about people and wants to help anyone interested in losing weight and gaining better health. I just cannot recommend this enough to other people! Sheri has been great to me when I've felt down about my roadblocks and I look forward to spending more time with her in the near future.

So if you are interested in seeing Sheri and I with Dr. Smith on Fox 4, here is the video. More information can be found here on the Fox 4 website or here on Dr. Smith's site. There is also a very active community of people on Facebook and Twitter.

Click HERE for the video.

I had my cravings under control and in fact, I didn't want to eat for weeks. I mentioned previously that I didn't feel well. Even worse than usual. My doctors didn't seem to know why or think there was anything really worrisome about it. After researching it myself, I found that when coming off prednisone, a person can experience adrenal fatigue. Some symptoms of your body not producing enough coritisol (the stress hormone) on its own are lower blood pressure, fatigue, lack of appetite. Oh shit! Well that makes sense. But I never thought this could happen to me because I was tapering down so slowly and because I hadn't been on, what my doctors say, is a very high dose. Let me tell you. Fuck the doctors. I know my body better than they do. I KNOW when something's not right and I felt so bad, that I was scared to take my meds. I was scared to take my nighttime pills because I was afraid I wouldn't wake up in the morning. Now maybe I was being paranoid, but when your blood pressure feels low and is commented on at every damn different medical office you go to, except for the doctor I complained to, and I feel dizzy and almost faint when standing, then you know it's a problem. So I begrudgingly went back up on the prednisone. And guess what? I'm starving. I pray that getting back on a strict regimen of Shred will help keep the weight from creeping back on and keep me from eating the entire house. Another stumbling block!!

But right this minute I am going to celebrate the 20 lb loss. I hope my blog next year isn't describing a Bex who is back to battling the bulge, back where I started and more. So here is my before and after shot. Before is when EK was about 5 months and now she's 15 months. I'm proud of the work I've done. I hope I can keep it up and this blog will reflect all the achievements and setbacks. By blogging I hope to keep things in perspective and stay accountable. Being healthy is not easy. You have to work at it all the time. Being sick is very easy: you just do nothing.