Week 1, Day 3

And so ends day 3 of my first week. Not a whole lot to report today. I find myself getting caught up in the day and forgetting to eat my snacks or mini-meals. I need to work harder at that otherwise this plan won't work. It's tough with the baby because I'm always thinking "what does the baby need now? Is it time for her to eat? Play? Bath?" And then there are the dogs, constantly entwining themselves between my legs, like overgrown cats. The minute the baby is placed into her highchair, I see three fur balls parked under her seat. And the baby has discovered how fun it is to feed the doggies her food! Maybe it would be helpful to set an alarm on my phone to remind me to eat. Who knew I would need some kind of external reminder to eat???

I finally caught the Super Cold Virus going around and the disc in my jaw joint is still slipping out of place. I went to the dentist today, hoping for a solution. Basically all I got was "get a night guard." I do hope they are right and all will be well when I get the Miraculous Night Guard. I won't have the ability to cough up $350 until January 1st, so until then, I'm on my own. I'm worried that this won't solve anything and I'll be shit outta luck. Since, you know, neither the medical insurance or the dental insurance covers this problem unless my doctors can prove it's the RA causing all the fuss. Anyways, I find that I can't chew much and I'm stuck to drinking smoothies for most of my meals.

Even with these constraints/challenges going on, I feel I'm doing well. I find there is a lot of flexibility among the rules because you have a lot of choices. You can pick what kind of fruit to have along with your breakfast, and you can choose oatmeal, Cream of Wheat, or cereal AND have juice. I don't know about you all, but that's more than I normally eat each morning. There are snacks scattered throughout the day and more mini-meals. You learn to eat fresh fruits and veggies along with lean proteins. It's great having structure with so many choices. Of course, no weight loss plan is complete without exercise! But workouts can be broken up so it's not too overwhelming. I wonder if housework counts.

It's too early to tell if I'm going to lose weight or not. However I am still excited about this plan and very motivated. It means so much to me that my husband is right alongside me, doing the diet, helping plan meals. He's my rock!!

PS: Right before I started this diet, the neighbor kid dropped off our order for Girl Scout cookies. We ordered them a few weeks ago and I had entirely forgotten about them. I can almost hear those damn cookies screaming to be eaten from the pantry closet. *sigh* Fucking cookies...so delicious. Do Girl Scouts earn Obesity Badges with each sold box?

Week 1, Day 2

Another day done! I can't believe I'm going to do this dieting/food behavior modification thing for 6 weeks. Forty two blog posts. Yikes.

I took my "before" photos finally today. I figured it's not too late to get those done just in case. Just in case I actually lose these 20 pounds for good. I have to say that many people tell me I don't need to lose weight. But I'm very skinny up top and too round on the bottom. For vanity reasons, health reasons (belly fat inches almost the same as my hips and my poor, poor knees), and because I really want to be able to wear all the size 10 jeans in my closet, I've taken up this weight loss challenge. So here I am. My before pictures.

I don't think anyone's "before" pictures are attractive, so I'll give myself a break. And my post-pregnancy belly is really bringing me down. But I'm hopeful I can look AND feel better soon!

I have to say that Dr. Ian is very good about communicating with all of us Shredders. He responds to Facebook posts and emails as much as he can. I think he's a really great person and his enthusiasm is contagious. I want this and I believe it's obtainable. I just need to stay focused! Doing the 45 minutes of cardio today was BRUTAL. I had to stop and re-start a lot. I am pretty fatigued now and took it easy for the rest of the day. Also my jaw problems are worse and I had to alter the prescribed diet to just liquid foods. I just can't chew much more than bread. Hopefully the dentist tomorrow will give me some ideas on how to feel better.

My baby girl and I played a bit this afternoon. She's amazing and what better motivation than her? Have a good evening and wish me luck on the next forty days! Tschus.

Shredding: Week 1, Day 1

We've made it through Day 1 on the Shred diet. I weighed myself to get my starting weight and I also managed to eat well and work out. The menu lists a lot of food to eat in one day. There are four mini-meals and three snacks. It sounds like a ton of food but it's not a lot of food at once. And if you can't eat it all, it's ok to stop. So instead of having big meals, like we are used to, we eat smaller meals with a few snacks scattered in between. It's not easy to retrain the stomach and brain to eat this way, but we sure as hell tried our best.

Since non-creamy soups are acceptable to the plan, and we had the produce sitting around, I made butternut squash soup today. I did not add any dairy products, other than a couple tablespoons of butter to cook the onions, celery and carrots. Blending the squash was interesting. I managed to have very hot squash bits fly around the kitchen and land on my hand. OUCH! Elsa just looked at me like I was an idiot. But it's done and ready for tomorrow!

I also bought a bunch of fresh fruit and veggies. We have grapefruit, oranges, apples, pears, frozen fruit, Brussels sprouts, zucchini, cucumber, carrots, onions, yams, etc. Holy crap, I feel my junk food genes about to explode from all this healthy stuff! But it's good to be on a real plan with frequent meals. I feel tired out today but I feel good overall, except for my jaw. It's still pretty messed up and it's hard to chew certain textures of food. Maybe a liquid diet is in order, haha. Fun times! On to the next day, g'night!

Prelude to a diet

It's that time of year again. It's the holiday baking, cooking and gorging season. I LOVE this time of year. I love baking up yummy, carb-laden cookies, cakes and breads. I also love cooking Thanksgiving dishes like roasted turkey, homemade cranberry sauce, and sweet potato casserole. And Christmas time? What's Christmas without cut-out cookies, fudge, snack mix and hot cider? See where I'm going with this? I love to eat just as much as I love to cook. This is not helping out the weight loss efforts!

I've been taking a supplement called Visi which really took the edge off of the insane appetite I have. I still take prednisone and recently added a couple more medications which have hunger and weight gain as a side effect. So it was working great up until the last couple of weeks when my appetite went off the charts again. I lost ten lbs and then gained it right back.

I also got my ass back on to the elliptical machine and that was great until my joints started to grind together in my knees and ankles. It doesn't really hurt but I can feel and hear the grinding and popping. I will definitely talk to my doctor next checkup but I'm not letting that stop me from trying to stay as fit as possible.

With all this going on, I happened to catch Dr. Ian Smith on our local Fox 4 morning show. If you have ever watched Celebrity Fit Club, then you will recognize Dr. Smith as one of the judges and consultants for the show. He is promoting an upcoming book and weight loss plan called Shred, The Revolutionary Diet. He asked people who were interested in his plan to tweet him @doctoriansmith to get a sample of his book. I did that and emailed him and next thing I know, I was accepted to be part of his nutrition and weight loss plan, representing the Kansas City group. So I start tomorrow on a whole new way of eating and thinking about nutrition. I've decided a good way to keep me honest and on track is to blog my journey through this 6 week plan. I think I'm crazy because this is the best time of the year, food-wise. It will not be easy to hold the hungry monster at bay over Thanksgiving! But I like challenges and am actually looking forward to giving this my all. If I do really well, who knows. I may be on the local news as a "success" story.

If anyone has links to low-carb recipes featuring Thanksgiving fare, please let me know! Thanks and I will let you know how Day 1 goes!! Tschus. :)

Better than ever

I can't tell you how hard it's been the last few months to sit down and try to write a blog post. It's no secret how over-sensitive I am. I've come to learn that I have a higher than average level of empathy. I absorb the feelings of people around me and I also take criticism very hard. I am learning to let things roll off my back though, but it still takes me about two weeks to finally get to that point!

So what the hell have I been up to? I've been trying to understand and deal with my diagnosis of major recurring depression and anxiety. I think anyone who knows me is not surprised at this at all. I knew I had depression, not so much the anxiety though, but I didn't know how bad the depression was. I didn't want to deal with it. I wanted to die when I was in 5th grade because none of the kids would talk to me. I was some how "uncool" that year and teased and ignored by every single kid. It was horrible. I would go home where my father was gone every weekend with his girl friend. I was alone a LOT. I just wanted to die and be with my mother, that's all I wanted. High school was full of ups and downs. I remember being asked to Homecoming by this cute guy who was kind of a bad boy. I didn't know you were supposed to get a really nice dress for Homecoming so I wore a sweater and a skirt. We got to the dance and he didn't want to dance. We just stood there awkwardly. Then he wanted to leave and find a party to get drunk. I didn't drink so I didn't want to go. So he left me there and drove Main all night. I think my dad had to come get me. I cried all night, sneaked some of my dad's amaretto and took a bunch of cold pills. I also cut myself some times on my hands. So yeah, why I am surprised at having major depression is so dumb when I think about it. You tend to get tunnel vision when the "normal" for you is so dysfunctional. You can't see or understand anything else. My baby has been the catalyst to finally fucking DEAL with it. I have been in and out of therapy and on and off meds since high school. The stigma of being called "crazy" prevented me from sticking with it. And of course, the intense pain that therapy brings up is what made me call it quits so many times. I talked to my sister a bit recently about it all. She told me I shouldn't be ashamed, blah blah. Rationally I know that. But my family NEVER talked about anything after my mom died. We just quit smiling, quit talking, quit spending time together. I can't convey to anyone just how very lonely it was for me as a 7 year old to grow up without a lot of warmth, happiness or togetherness. My sister said something that made me feel like she really understood now. She said, "you saw a lot of fucked up things when you were little."

I'm sure there are people who think at 35 I shouldn't be having these revelations. Things were so buried but they are finally coming out. It's not easy telling my sister that I tried to kill myself when I was 20. I don't want her to feel upset at learning this stuff. But at the same time, maybe someone in my family should know.

The trials and errors of finding the right combination of medications to deal with my mental health as well as the other conditions have been quite the roller coaster. Friends whom I know in person, and those internet ones I've talked to for years, understand. They've been there for me and now that I feel a lot better mentally, I'm able to really be there for them now. The people online who have been cruel, who haven't been able to forgive me for acting so crazy or just plain weird, can go fuck themselves. I don't care how that sounds because it feels so damn good to say it. I've always tried to be so PC, to always think of the feelings of others, to not create waves, but there is a point where I just don't give a shit anymore. I think some people enjoy holding something over you even after you apologize because it gives them power and control. I think that's sick. It feels good to stand up for myself finally.

All this...shit has been quite a long and exhausting process. And I'm still going through it, but am able to deal with the painful and intense emotions better. If you've read this far and still love me, thank you. I appreciate your friendship and look forward to giving back the love and patience you've shown me.

Tschus.

Growing pains

Who knew you could have growing pains in your 30's? I have learned so much lately about myself and others. It hasn't been easy but I feel I'm a better person for it.

I recently had another health evaluation which led to some new diagnoses. Without getting into it, I can just say that at first, I was upset. But I found peace within. I really believe that everything happens for a reason, and it's up to us, as individuals, to decipher what that is. At times I am defensive, and also, a huge pain in the ass. But my heart is always in the right place. I always want to do right, to ensure the happiness of my family and friends, and to be true to myself. No matter what happens each day, I pray to try to understand my purpose and actions when something negative happens. At the end of the day, I have to answer to myself and the big JC.

So here I am, a day older and a little wiser. The hardest thing to do, sometimes, is to forgive those who don't ask for forgiveness. And even harder yet, to forgive ourselves. Forgiving others is not for the sake of anyone but yourself. That isn't a bad thing at all, despite how it sounds. I think we need to admit our misunderstandings or mistakes and those of others so that we can move forward, for our own well-being. After that, you can let things go. My mistake is always trying to get others to see my side of things, hoping they will understand my intentions and my heart. When that doesn't happen, I keep pressing the subject, hoping for them to suddenly understand. That is my mistake. I need to stop after the first try and move on. If something is meant to be, it will be.

Here are the things that give me joy. These things are worth fighting for.

I put a print of this in EK's room. It is part of the "Voyage of Life" series painted by Thomas Cole. This one is "Youth." I know, the Romanticism period is a bit much, but I kind of dig some of the works that emerged from it. This series is in the National Gallery of Art.

I apologize to my atheist and agnostic friends who may find their way to this post. However this is part of me. It doesn't take away from my horrible sailor mouth and I certainly do not think I'm holier than thou. I do believe in a higher purpose and to trust in the higher being to lead me through the storms. Well, I've been working on this post over three hours, so it's time for this addled brain to bring things to a close. Have a wonderful, great fucking Saturday night. Tschus.

PS. If anyone has been deleted from my Facebook page, I apologize. I am trying to cut ties to an online group that once was my support network, but now fills me with a lot of pain. Please message me if you feel you've been deleted in error. I am sorry in advance if you get upset by this.

Grow baby, grow!

My plants have done really well, despite the heat. I'm so glad! My flowers are beautiful and the herbs are awesome. I love being able to walk to the garden and clip off what I need to spice up dinner. I will definitely hang some more herbs to dry soon and make some pesto to freeze. I just got a few photos today to show you my progress. I didn't photograph some of my herbs today because the heat has wilted all the leaves. After a nice soak tonight they will be plump again. So in the meantime, I can show you some of the other plants.

You can see my lavender is huge, my coneflower has finally bloomed and my sage plant is doing well. Even my dianthus came back! I love the mums too, even though you normally see them in the fall. Sorry the photos are so small. I will also post them on Flickr later today.

My lovely grape tomatoes need to be picked every day. I better get munching on some salads!

And here is our compost heap. The cage was sold by the county to help residents go green after the county forbade grass and plant clippings in the weekly trash. We already had a heap but it wasn't contained and it was too close to the house. So here it is! I want to put some flower bulbs around it or something so it's not such an eyesore.

I also dried out some lavender and made some bath salts with the dried buds. I used Epsom salts, baking soda, dried lavender buds and lavender essential oil. I mixed them together and read that you should continue shaking the jar for a good week to get the oil to evenly mix with everything. And a little oil goes a long way, in my opinion. I like a hint of lavender and this smells nice. And the jar looks pretty too.

So that's all I have to show for now. I have a cross-stitch finished that I need to mount and frame. And I'm working on a new gamer pattern. I'm also trying to make EK a little dreamcatcher which has been an effort of trial by error. I'll be sure to link those posts from my crafty blog to this one, once they are finished and online. Stay cool friends! Tschus.