Prelude to a diet

It's that time of year again. It's the holiday baking, cooking and gorging season. I LOVE this time of year. I love baking up yummy, carb-laden cookies, cakes and breads. I also love cooking Thanksgiving dishes like roasted turkey, homemade cranberry sauce, and sweet potato casserole. And Christmas time? What's Christmas without cut-out cookies, fudge, snack mix and hot cider? See where I'm going with this? I love to eat just as much as I love to cook. This is not helping out the weight loss efforts!

I've been taking a supplement called Visi which really took the edge off of the insane appetite I have. I still take prednisone and recently added a couple more medications which have hunger and weight gain as a side effect. So it was working great up until the last couple of weeks when my appetite went off the charts again. I lost ten lbs and then gained it right back.

I also got my ass back on to the elliptical machine and that was great until my joints started to grind together in my knees and ankles. It doesn't really hurt but I can feel and hear the grinding and popping. I will definitely talk to my doctor next checkup but I'm not letting that stop me from trying to stay as fit as possible.

With all this going on, I happened to catch Dr. Ian Smith on our local Fox 4 morning show. If you have ever watched Celebrity Fit Club, then you will recognize Dr. Smith as one of the judges and consultants for the show. He is promoting an upcoming book and weight loss plan called Shred, The Revolutionary Diet. He asked people who were interested in his plan to tweet him @doctoriansmith to get a sample of his book. I did that and emailed him and next thing I know, I was accepted to be part of his nutrition and weight loss plan, representing the Kansas City group. So I start tomorrow on a whole new way of eating and thinking about nutrition. I've decided a good way to keep me honest and on track is to blog my journey through this 6 week plan. I think I'm crazy because this is the best time of the year, food-wise. It will not be easy to hold the hungry monster at bay over Thanksgiving! But I like challenges and am actually looking forward to giving this my all. If I do really well, who knows. I may be on the local news as a "success" story.

If anyone has links to low-carb recipes featuring Thanksgiving fare, please let me know! Thanks and I will let you know how Day 1 goes!! Tschus. :)

Better than ever

I can't tell you how hard it's been the last few months to sit down and try to write a blog post. It's no secret how over-sensitive I am. I've come to learn that I have a higher than average level of empathy. I absorb the feelings of people around me and I also take criticism very hard. I am learning to let things roll off my back though, but it still takes me about two weeks to finally get to that point!

So what the hell have I been up to? I've been trying to understand and deal with my diagnosis of major recurring depression and anxiety. I think anyone who knows me is not surprised at this at all. I knew I had depression, not so much the anxiety though, but I didn't know how bad the depression was. I didn't want to deal with it. I wanted to die when I was in 5th grade because none of the kids would talk to me. I was some how "uncool" that year and teased and ignored by every single kid. It was horrible. I would go home where my father was gone every weekend with his girl friend. I was alone a LOT. I just wanted to die and be with my mother, that's all I wanted. High school was full of ups and downs. I remember being asked to Homecoming by this cute guy who was kind of a bad boy. I didn't know you were supposed to get a really nice dress for Homecoming so I wore a sweater and a skirt. We got to the dance and he didn't want to dance. We just stood there awkwardly. Then he wanted to leave and find a party to get drunk. I didn't drink so I didn't want to go. So he left me there and drove Main all night. I think my dad had to come get me. I cried all night, sneaked some of my dad's amaretto and took a bunch of cold pills. I also cut myself some times on my hands. So yeah, why I am surprised at having major depression is so dumb when I think about it. You tend to get tunnel vision when the "normal" for you is so dysfunctional. You can't see or understand anything else. My baby has been the catalyst to finally fucking DEAL with it. I have been in and out of therapy and on and off meds since high school. The stigma of being called "crazy" prevented me from sticking with it. And of course, the intense pain that therapy brings up is what made me call it quits so many times. I talked to my sister a bit recently about it all. She told me I shouldn't be ashamed, blah blah. Rationally I know that. But my family NEVER talked about anything after my mom died. We just quit smiling, quit talking, quit spending time together. I can't convey to anyone just how very lonely it was for me as a 7 year old to grow up without a lot of warmth, happiness or togetherness. My sister said something that made me feel like she really understood now. She said, "you saw a lot of fucked up things when you were little."

I'm sure there are people who think at 35 I shouldn't be having these revelations. Things were so buried but they are finally coming out. It's not easy telling my sister that I tried to kill myself when I was 20. I don't want her to feel upset at learning this stuff. But at the same time, maybe someone in my family should know.

The trials and errors of finding the right combination of medications to deal with my mental health as well as the other conditions have been quite the roller coaster. Friends whom I know in person, and those internet ones I've talked to for years, understand. They've been there for me and now that I feel a lot better mentally, I'm able to really be there for them now. The people online who have been cruel, who haven't been able to forgive me for acting so crazy or just plain weird, can go fuck themselves. I don't care how that sounds because it feels so damn good to say it. I've always tried to be so PC, to always think of the feelings of others, to not create waves, but there is a point where I just don't give a shit anymore. I think some people enjoy holding something over you even after you apologize because it gives them power and control. I think that's sick. It feels good to stand up for myself finally.

All this...shit has been quite a long and exhausting process. And I'm still going through it, but am able to deal with the painful and intense emotions better. If you've read this far and still love me, thank you. I appreciate your friendship and look forward to giving back the love and patience you've shown me.

Tschus.

Growing pains

Who knew you could have growing pains in your 30's? I have learned so much lately about myself and others. It hasn't been easy but I feel I'm a better person for it.

I recently had another health evaluation which led to some new diagnoses. Without getting into it, I can just say that at first, I was upset. But I found peace within. I really believe that everything happens for a reason, and it's up to us, as individuals, to decipher what that is. At times I am defensive, and also, a huge pain in the ass. But my heart is always in the right place. I always want to do right, to ensure the happiness of my family and friends, and to be true to myself. No matter what happens each day, I pray to try to understand my purpose and actions when something negative happens. At the end of the day, I have to answer to myself and the big JC.

So here I am, a day older and a little wiser. The hardest thing to do, sometimes, is to forgive those who don't ask for forgiveness. And even harder yet, to forgive ourselves. Forgiving others is not for the sake of anyone but yourself. That isn't a bad thing at all, despite how it sounds. I think we need to admit our misunderstandings or mistakes and those of others so that we can move forward, for our own well-being. After that, you can let things go. My mistake is always trying to get others to see my side of things, hoping they will understand my intentions and my heart. When that doesn't happen, I keep pressing the subject, hoping for them to suddenly understand. That is my mistake. I need to stop after the first try and move on. If something is meant to be, it will be.

Here are the things that give me joy. These things are worth fighting for.

I put a print of this in EK's room. It is part of the "Voyage of Life" series painted by Thomas Cole. This one is "Youth." I know, the Romanticism period is a bit much, but I kind of dig some of the works that emerged from it. This series is in the National Gallery of Art.

I apologize to my atheist and agnostic friends who may find their way to this post. However this is part of me. It doesn't take away from my horrible sailor mouth and I certainly do not think I'm holier than thou. I do believe in a higher purpose and to trust in the higher being to lead me through the storms. Well, I've been working on this post over three hours, so it's time for this addled brain to bring things to a close. Have a wonderful, great fucking Saturday night. Tschus.

PS. If anyone has been deleted from my Facebook page, I apologize. I am trying to cut ties to an online group that once was my support network, but now fills me with a lot of pain. Please message me if you feel you've been deleted in error. I am sorry in advance if you get upset by this.

Grow baby, grow!

My plants have done really well, despite the heat. I'm so glad! My flowers are beautiful and the herbs are awesome. I love being able to walk to the garden and clip off what I need to spice up dinner. I will definitely hang some more herbs to dry soon and make some pesto to freeze. I just got a few photos today to show you my progress. I didn't photograph some of my herbs today because the heat has wilted all the leaves. After a nice soak tonight they will be plump again. So in the meantime, I can show you some of the other plants.

You can see my lavender is huge, my coneflower has finally bloomed and my sage plant is doing well. Even my dianthus came back! I love the mums too, even though you normally see them in the fall. Sorry the photos are so small. I will also post them on Flickr later today.

My lovely grape tomatoes need to be picked every day. I better get munching on some salads!

And here is our compost heap. The cage was sold by the county to help residents go green after the county forbade grass and plant clippings in the weekly trash. We already had a heap but it wasn't contained and it was too close to the house. So here it is! I want to put some flower bulbs around it or something so it's not such an eyesore.

I also dried out some lavender and made some bath salts with the dried buds. I used Epsom salts, baking soda, dried lavender buds and lavender essential oil. I mixed them together and read that you should continue shaking the jar for a good week to get the oil to evenly mix with everything. And a little oil goes a long way, in my opinion. I like a hint of lavender and this smells nice. And the jar looks pretty too.

So that's all I have to show for now. I have a cross-stitch finished that I need to mount and frame. And I'm working on a new gamer pattern. I'm also trying to make EK a little dreamcatcher which has been an effort of trial by error. I'll be sure to link those posts from my crafty blog to this one, once they are finished and online. Stay cool friends! Tschus.

Finding that "happy place"

I can't believe we're half way through June. Every day is another adventure! My wee one is crawling, saying Momma and Da Da, got her first tooth and can pull herself into a standing position, if very motivated. Time goes so quickly.

The organic experiment in the house is going well. I find myself trying new recipes to use up the produce before it spoils. Today I had regular blueberries and organic strawberries to use up so I tried this recipe for Blueberry and Strawberry Buttermilk Cake. I wish I had read through the comments because I made one mistake. I should have cut up the fruit into smaller pieces. Too much fruit, or too large of pieces, make it harder for the cake portion to bake through properly and evenly. Therefore mine is a little overdone because the toothpick kept coming up with batter. Despite being overcooked, it really is a light-tasting cake and the flavor of the berries is just right. I would have taken a picture but mine sure doesn't look like the one on the website! Now I still need to use up some small potatoes, carrots and radishes. That should be easy.

I will not lie. The last few weeks has not been my best. I think I let the stress of going from doctor to doctor to doctor, never getting any time out for myself and have some fun, really get to me. I remember a time when, although stressed, I wasn't out to try and be someone I am not. I think in the last twelve months I've been trying to be what I think others expect of me. I quit stitching things that make me happy and was trying to figure out what super artsy thing I should be doing. I stopped listening to my voice and listened to all the others telling me to behave this way, do this, react that way instead, etc. Once I stopped listening, once all the opinions and influences were shut out of my head, I realized that no matter which way I go, all roads end up at the same place.

I can't go on like this, going to four or five appointments every week. I'm letting all this take over my life and it sucks. So! Hopefully I'm at the maintenance level now and I can just go a couple times a month from now on. Even better if I can get off some medications too down the road. Almost two months of 3-5 appointments a week is shitty. Maybe it's time to revisit acupuncture.

Even though I probably burned some bridges, I am feeling more peaceful. I feel like I've finally accepted that these conditions aren't going away. Having these issues is not extraordinary; it's normal. This is my new normal and some days will be worse or better than others. But there is no need to dwell on something that is an every day thing now, right? And I don't need to convince anyone that I hurt, or I'm exhausted. If they don't believe me, that's their problem. I don't have to like my situation either, and it's only a small piece of the greater picture. I have more good things in my life than bad.

That brings me to the HAPPY PLACE. To get back to my happy place (not to be confused with a happy ending) I made a list of things I would like to stitch and I spent two, painstaking days working out all the details of the first pattern. My spouse and I have a new blog in the works and I'm re-watching all the Harry Potter movies. Right now I'm laying on the floor (because I feel like shit) with my beautiful, silly and smart baby girl while we (I) watch Harry Potter. Such simple things, and yet it took me so long to get back to the basics.

I have to go now. EK and I have more Harry Potter to watch. More like I am trying to watch the movie while she tries to eat my hat. Have a good day. Tschus.

What wouldn't you do?

I've been blogging on and off about the fur babies. Our black rescue dog, Horry, has terrible hip dysplasia. Horry is only 2 years old. I am not sure what his story was before we met, but I do know he feared men, hated other dogs, has a large knot of scar tissue on his head and in general, he had "checked out" around people.

However, Horry is now a happy boy! He plays with toys, he hangs out with our alpha dog, Tobin, like they've been friends forever. He doesn't intimidate our submissive boy, Patton, nearly as much. We've had our Horry for a little over a year now and even though he's still phobic about thunderstorms, fence fights with an unfixed Golden Retriever AND has bad hips, we love him. You can just tell he's grateful to be here. His tail wags, he lets me brush him, he waits patiently for his breakfast and dinner and he also gives us licks on our hands. I was hoping he was a candidate for stem cell therapy, but he's not. So we're trying the next best thing while we painstakingly save for his surgery and get our house finances in order. So yesterday was his first day of acupuncture.

I assisted the doctor at Aid Animal Hospital in Kansas City, Missouri. I held Horry on the table while the doctor and I talked. She gently kneaded his back muscles and when she found the right "spot", she inserted a very thin needle into his skin. He only flinched two or three times during the procedure. As anxious as he was, he did lay down a couple of times which, to me, was amazing. He normally could not relax at all around strangers. We aren't sure if anything is working yet but we are hopeful! To see testimonials about pet acupuncture, see this link.

I'm sorry I don't have better photos of this. I really had to keep both hands on Horry to make sure he didn't step off the table and fall.

We had the discussion a while ago when we found out about his hips. He's so young and he is a part of the family. If we stay disciplined, we can afford this surgery in a few years. We also recently found out that Patton needs knee surgery! He has a luxating patella on both back legs. Sheesh. He doesn't seem in terrible pain, but with dogs, they don't show pain until it's pretty awful. Since Patton means so much to people even outside of our home, we will try and have his procedure done as well. I know so many people would not go to this much trouble for a pet. But our dogs are more than pets, they are family. And if this helps Horry, I may just give acupuncture another try!

Monday Mourning

Ok so last week I didn't get through all my daily themes I had brilliantly planned in my head. I might as well admit that with a baby who just started crawling, three dogs who are running away from the baby, and my own limitations, the blog is not getting refreshed every day. However, I will do what I can, when I can.

I believe what goes around, comes around. When I was a kid, I HATED Elmo. His high pitched voice, the Elmo songs I endured in DC traffic when my nieces were very small, and the damn Tickle Me craze every Christmas. My best friend and I would punch Elmo in the face when we saw one at the drug store. He was an outlet for our teen angst. So guess what my MIL brought to the house this weekend? Yep, Elmo. An Elmo doll and little chair with his big face on it. And the baby LOVES IT. It doesn't even talk and she loves it! Is it the hypnotic eyes? I have no idea. But I think this is karma coming to get me for all the wrong I did Elmo all those years ago.

That's about it for my Monday post. As for Elmo, I'm sleeping with one eye open from now on.