Life at 36 Weeks

My life at 36 weeks:

*It feels like someone is repeatedly kicking me in the genitals and, when the flesh is good and raw, pouring hot sauce all over it. You can add this to the Wish I Had Known list of shit that happens to a pregnant woman's body.

*Add the above to hemorrhoids. I don't think I need to elaborate on this.

*Skin tags and moles! Oh joy! They are popping up EVERYWHERE! By the end of this pregnancy, I'm afraid I'll look like the demon who ate kittens in the series Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

*Back aches. Holy hell that one sucks. And it's not just where you would expect either. Because the top part of my body is so scrawny, I seem to lack the muscles to hold myself upright properly. By the end of the day, the muscles and nerves between my shoulder blades are screaming. It's definitely a fibro symptom because I've had similar flares in that area. Add the lower back to it and I'll soon be able to add my name to the list of eligible, hunchbacked side kicks.

*Gastric functions are at an all time high. I've never had heartburn in my life until this. And it reached a new level a few weeks ago with horrible pain. It felt like a geyser of acid threatening to shoot out of my mouth. I imagine it to be like the blood from the Alien creatures; whomever comes near me will risk being hit by a torrent of acidic, hot liquid which can eat through organic, fleshy materials and metals. Thankfully, there is a mint-infused version of Zantac that is safe to take and it almost completely eradicates this threat to all humanity. And yes, you can take that as a product endorsement.

*Hormonal? OH JUST A LITTLE. I can go from crying to wanting to molest my husband in about 5 seconds. Not to mention, I'm also impatient and crabby. We're definitely riding the crazy train here.

*Brain power and coordination are greatly diminished. It almost seems like a cruel joke from Mother Nature to make a creature so goddamn clumsy but who also finds it almost impossible to bend over. I can't even guess how many things I've dropped on the floor only to find it excruciatingly difficult to retrieve. (I huff and I puff and I BEEEENNNNNNNND my ass over.) Also it is hard to find the words to express myself or form complete thoughts. A thesaurus wouldn't even help me because I don't even have one word I can bring forth from my brain to look up. "What's another word for that thing?" *points* "That THING over there? Yeah what is that?" Fffffuuuuuuuu.....

If you add all this together, I feel like a hunched over, gigantic monster with bad skin and an inflamed crotch, who while bawling, is chasing some poor man around the house, yelling for sex in monosyllabic grunts, all the while crashing into furniture, and only pausing to suppress a Hiroshima-like vurp.

So that's pretty much where I'm at these days. So if you want to ask me how I'm feeling, I might just continue to point you to this blog. The good news is, I really don't need to invest in a costume for Halloween this year. I am scary enough already. Have a great Halloween everyone!

Tschus.

Lawd, I see the light!

I went in today for the baby's growth scan, her movement test and my normal medical exam. Peeing in a cup every two weeks is nothing spectacular. But you know, there are ways to make it a little fun. I like to put pictures on my urine cup every time I go. I encourage you all to find ways to make your medical visits a little more silly. I guarantee if they ever think they've lost my sample, all I have to do is say "Look for the cup with a smiley face on it."

Sometimes I do smiley faces, sometimes it's a flower with a smiley face and today it was a sun smiling! I have happy pee.

This baby went from being tiny and only 23% on the growth scale to just plain normal at 54%! Just a month ago she wasn't even 5 lbs and today she is 6 lbs. We're 35.5 weeks in and I can finally see the end coming. Whew!

The last weekend was tough. I managed to take a really wonderful walk in the country on Saturday with Horry; it was beautiful. I also attended a volunteer party with Patton and Ron and walked Tobin a few blocks. It was such an eventful and fun day! My neighbors had me over for their little bonfire and it was fun to sit, chat and eat S'mores. Sunday I did some house work and errands but by the end of the day, I could hardly walk. My legs were so swollen and the knees ached so much. I wanted to cry.

Because of that, I don't want to let things take its course and let the baby come when she may. I know this will set off alarms for all the moms who choose to let their bodies go into labor naturally. However the longer I go, the more limited my mobility becomes. Now if I sit on the couch all day and don't do housework - just SIT - I will be ok. However I don't want to sit on the couch for 5 more weeks, only getting up to eat and go to the bathroom. If I was on bedrest because the baby was in danger, you bet I'd do it. But the baby is doing amazing! She's perfect in fact. If I go for walks, clean my house, run my errands, I risk flu-like fatigue and inflamed joints.

Once I hit 38 weeks, my doctor can go ahead and schedule the induction. But right now we are looking at going into the hospital on the 20th, starting the cervical softener and then starting Pitocin on the 21st. I am so relieved. This means I know when I can start up my RA meds again and I know that we won't be stuck in 1-2 hours of road construction traffic that plagues the weekends here. Those were my two concerns, especially since we live so far from the hospital. Mentally this makes me feel so much better too. No more wondering if we'll go into December or worrying that the weather is going to keep getting colder before I can get my wonder drugs back inside me. Hooray!

Nursery pics here.

That's my news for today! Happy pee and induction in sight. Have a groovy Monday, tschus!

Al and Jane say it best

"In life you have to do a lot of things you don't fucking want to do. Many times, that's what the fuck life is... one vile fucking task after another." -Al Swearengen, Deadwood.

Life isn't always this dramatic or shitty but it certainly can be a challenge. I've been dealing with depression all of my life. I can remember it being bad as far back as 5th grade, when I was a super dorky outcast in my school who had no friends. I even wrote in my diary about how I wished I was dead. Not very chipper! Every time I've tried counseling, I have always quit when it became too painful.

Things changed with my various conditions and issues. Anxiety is now a part of this whole vicious circle. When the pain gets bad, I get anxious because I can't do things like work, clean house, take the dogs for a walk, etc. Then I get depressed, the pain gets worse and things just go from there. I started to really feel out of control when I found out about the pregnancy. All the doubts I've had about myself are amplified now that I know a little human is going to rely on me for everything. Talk about pressure!

I saw a new counselor today who specializes in chronic illnesses. She told me that there are upsides to being chronically ill. I just stared at her and though, ok I'll bite. So I asked her what could possibly be good about it?? She told me that people who face chronic pain and sickness often have more wisdom and patience than those who are healthy. She said we have a different perspective that can be helpful sometimes. I didn't get to discuss this at length with her, as we had a lot to talk about. But perhaps she is right. Maybe we stop and smell the roses a little more than other people? And maybe we appreciate those little things more, like a sunny day, a walk around the neighborhood, a successful outing with friends. I can see how I have more patience now then I did when I was younger and healthier. Now when things turn out less than perfect, I don't get as upset as much or as quickly as I used to. So what? Things have been worse. And probably will be again. No sweat! And sometimes I sit and listen to people's problems and I can instantly see how they are being too hard on themselves. We are indeed, our own worst critics.

I guess I've never looked at things this way before. That doesn't make the frustration, anger and sadness go away instantly. But it helps a little.

There are other things I need to work through but the immediate need is to find ways not to let depression and anxiety take over when my pain flares up. It's so hard because before the pregnancy, it was a cycle of horrible endometrial pain, followed by a fibromyalgia flare and the aches and pains of arthritis thrown into the mix. By the time the cycle had finished, my period would start again. It is hard even for someone who isn't a pessimist like myself to look on the bright side during all that. And I'd get so tired of people saying that even though I feel horrible, at least I look good! Oh yes, because that's all that matters to me. That I look pretty some times. Jeezus.

People who know me in person know that I am no hippy. I don't care for herbal medicine, mainly because I've tried so many things and made myself sicker in the process. However I am pretty excited that this counselor is going to teach me relaxation techniques. When you are experiencing tremendous pain, your body tends to tighten up everywhere. Pretty soon you notice that while the pain started in your gut, for example, it is now radiating all over your back and neck. I'm hoping that this will prevent the spread of pain from tension and stress.

So here I go, back on the emotional roller coaster. Instead of gritting my jaw and pushing down all those fears and anxieties, I'm back to facing them head on. Who knows how long this will take but I'll be damned if I let this shit threaten my relationships anymore. Especially little EK who needs me to be as healthy as I can be, mentally and physically. I want to be ok with the fact that some days I have to be loaded up on pain killers, resting on the couch and letting my kid watch a cartoon, no matter what the American Academy of Pediatrics says right now. Maybe it's just retraining myself to let go of the desire to be a perfectionist in many areas of my life.

I'll just end this now with another quote from one of my other favorite characters from the show Deadwood. Have a great evening, tschus.

"Them what gets cured by Calamity Jane STAYS fuckin' cured."

Zombie baby showers!

I am so blessed to have friends with kooky senses of humor just like me. And even those who do not, at least they are so understanding of my interests and quirks. "She wants what for a baby shower? Well ok!"

I had two showers to try to accommodate everyone's schedules. I was really hoping my mother in law could be there for one of them, but it was not meant to be. We will get her here for the birth though and that is what really counts.

The first shower was last month and the theme was "Mommy's Little Monster." Awww so cute! Here are some photos of that.

The invitation

Party favors!

The decorations. As an aside, look! My house is clean!

Blood spattered umbrellas. Perfect!

My good friend Katie and her hubby did this cake! I've mentioned her awesomeness before. They run Brody's Bakery. The cake was vegan and gluten-free which was really important so two of my guests could eat this! And yep, they know about the spelling error but in all fairness, they are so dang busy. I'm in awe that they had time to do this at all! So cute! NOM NOM!

There are a few more pictures at my Flickr.

The second party was held just last Saturday at a friend's house. I again requested a zombie theme which my friends were already thinking about. What's cuter than Plants vs. Zombies? If you haven't played this game, do it. It's so addicting and silly. The premise is, you plant super awesome plants in your yard to thwart a zombie invasion. The zombies munch through your plants and try to attack the house. You collect sun beams to buy more plants. Here are some images from that day!

One friend knows how to make balloon animals and she made some of the characters from the game. How freakin' cool!

Another balloon.

Anyone remember the Pac Man anniversary cake I had last Feb?
The same talented gal made this cake. Can you believe it? You can find out more about her amazing cakes by visiting her website HERE. The top tier was pumpkin and the bottom was chocolate. It was as delicious as it was cute!

Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake. To see more details on this cake, see my other Flickr set.

You have to cut a zombie cake with a giant murder knife!

Erin and I. Erin is not only the maker of this cake, she is also my friend whom I've known since 7th grade. It's just a twist of fate that we ended up in the same place, so far from home. We were both in tears when we saw each other on Saturday. I think it was just so moving to see someone from home. Someone I've known since childhood and here she is, sharing this miraculous part of my life. I'm so touched that she came to my shower and put so much work into baking and decorating this.

My lovely hostesses! They are so stylish. :)

I wish I had taken more photos with all the guests from both parties. My brain is so fried and I've been so exhausted lately; I'm not thinking clearly most of the time. And I'm slow as hell getting out thank-you cards to not only these great people, but all the wonderful people who have sent me things in the mail. I swear, I will get this done!!! Thank you everyone for sharing this with me, for encouraging me to hang in there and just being so fucking fantastic!

It's the final countdown!

Now get THAT song out of your head! *Evil Laugh Track*

I have seven weeks to go. That's it. I've moved on from the "holy shit, this has to come out of that little hole!" to "just get this kid out of me already." This is how nature mentally prepares you for child birth. The fetus presses on the bladder, smashing into a nerve that makes it down right painful and urgently requires you to pee. The horrific back pain after being on your feet for a limited amount of time. The fetal hiccups lasting for ten minutes at 3AM. Braxton-Hicks contractions every day, squeezing my gut and then the pressure shooting up into my throat.

This last trip to the doc showed her back in the breech position, with her head neatly tucked under my ribs. Ahhh yes. This explains why it feels like someone is puncturing my lungs every time I sit down.

Therefore seeing an end in sight is quite welcome. I don't even care about the upcoming pain or the sleepless nights or the rank diapers. I'm just ready to see her and hold her and of course, to have my old, defective body back. I never would have imagined that I'd want my old body back, for as much as it let me down, didn't work right and created so much pain for me. Surprisingly it has done this one thing right. It has so far successfully cooked a turkey. I know that when all the hormones that are protecting me disappear, the pain, the overwhelming fatigue, and the constant muscle aches will try to grab a hold of me again. Maybe I can fight it off this time and maybe not. Either way, it will be good to no longer be hosting my little fetal parasite. If only I could put her in my husband's testicles for the remainder of the pregnancy. Wouldn't that be great?

I've also been exhibiting a massive amount of nesting behavior. I can't sit the fuck down and rest until I'm so exhausted and in pain that I have no other choice. But the guest room closets are cleaned out. the laundry room has shelves and bins organized for their specific contents. The baby clothes are sorted by size and I'm in the process of washing every item. I even scrubbed the banister that separates the dining area from the great room. All that is left to do is paint a couple more rooms. My poor husband has not had a moment's peace in months. His wife has completely succumbed "Teh Crazee."

Maybe I should take some tips from this book a friend got me. I see some excerpts on the web and I find them to be really helpful. Oh shit, break dancing is not allowed? Dammit.

I will try to get some personal pics taken for the next blog post. I just couldn't resist these Safe Baby illustrations. So that's all for now!! If you need me, I'll be wigging the fuck out over curtains or lamps or on some new quest to find something to eat. Tschus.

TMI: The Taint

It t'aint this and it t'aint that. This is another one of those frank pregnancy posts so quit reading here if you don't wanna know.

There is no shame, no pride: nothing to embarrass me anymore. That all pretty much went away during all the surgeries, the fertility treatments, etc. I didn't think I had anything left to hide but preparing for a baby has shown me differently.

In order to try and prevent the perineum, or more loving known as "taint", from tearing during child birth, a woman can do certain things to stretch things out ahead of time. They call it perineum massage. When you think about a head coming out of there, and things tearing, then you know why this is a far better alternative.

I can't see my damn junk anymore to know if I'm doing it right. And my little mirror does not balance well on the bed. I am fortunate that my spouse is not embarrassed by anything and perfectly willing to do whatever needs to be done. How we will ever have a normal, passionate sex life in the future, I have no idea. I'll put in an illustration so you can see what I mean.

Interesting, no? But far better to do that then to experience this, if possible:

Oh my fuckin' God, no way!

So the instructions say to insert thumbs and pull downward until you feel a stinging or burning sensation. Once it starts to burn, hold it for several minutes and then pull outwards. So yeah, the stinging starts and I said OK ENOUGH FUCK THAT HURTS! And Ron, being very clinical said, ok now we have to hold for two minutes. I asked him to tell me a story to distract me. The only thing that came to his mind was the plot to Happy Gilmore. So he told me about a hockey player who needed money to get his grandma's house and how he went off to play golf. Ha ha!

All through the 8 minutes of stingy taint, my husband is telling me about Happy Gilmore. It was a good distraction and did make me laugh. We have to do this once a day until delivery and I am going to have him tell me a story each time. We'll see what other interesting summaries of movies I can get out of him.

Let me just reiterate how unsexy this was. It was uncomfortable. Not exactly painful but it definitely did not feel nice. When one reads "massage" in there, you tend to think of something that feels good. It's amazing what you will do though when you think about your genitalia ripping and being sewn back up. Taint stretches? You betcha!

Tired, tired, tired

It's been a rough couple of weeks. Nothing major but just having a hard time sleeping because of the aches and pains. I find that the RA is flaring up in my face of all places, specifically my jaw. It's hard to eat and laying on my side aggravates it too. But you are supposed to lay on your side so what are ya gonna do? Maybe one of those fancy foam pillows would help.

Also, I did a maternity photo shoot the other day and felt pretty great afterwards, confident that I hadn't overdone it. Wrong. I woke up the next day hardly able to move. From my neck down to my calves, it was nothing but a giant ache. Dinner plans were canceled, I soaked in Epsom salts, put a heating pad on my back and followed up with ice. It got a little better but dumb ass me, in an effort to be all natural on my woes, I took a couple fish oil pills yesterday evening. Wow, big mistake. I forgot how that stuff stimulates the brain! It completely counteracted the sleep medication I take each night. I should have slept hard but instead I didn't feel sleepy all night. I just laid on the couch, dozing every so often. I did get a couple hours of sleep in the morning and another 45 minute nap later today so I guess that's good. I forgot how sensitive my brain is to certain things. Thank you Fibromyalgia. Or should I say, Fuck you.

Another day of Zombie Bex.

I'm not really sure why, maybe it's because of a couple comments I've read here and there, but I feel almost completely disassociated with my former social circles, online and in person. I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere, or maybe I'm too tired to try anymore. It doesn't help that I feel unable to form a creative thought anymore. Maybe that goes away with the pregnancy, who knows. I think the other part of it is that I feel like a big Nobody. I don't want to be just a mom. I want to be a mom who writes, who creates, who has her own interests. Whenever I talk about that, I get so much resistance from people. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "your life ends when your baby's is born." "All you are is her mom now and when she's off to college, you can do XYZ."

So tell me this: why? Is this really how life has to be or is that how some people chose or allowed their lives to be and therefore they perpetuate that crap in order to make themselves feel better? I don't know. I certainly expect her first few years to be very demanding. She is going to need her dad and me a lot because she cannot take care of herself. And I'm going to want to be with her a lot, to experience all those firsts with her.

But her life can be incorporated with my own interests too. She can go on hikes with me. She can go to petting zoos, family days at museums, watch movies, volunteer with the dogs, etc. I think back to when I was a full time step-mom to a 3 1/2 year old. We did lots of fun things together in those 8 years. Certainly kids have a short attention span and you may not get to do everything you want to do when you go out, and you need to incorporate kid friendly activities on your outings, but it is definitely not an either/or lifestyle.

Hell, I finished college and went through graduate school while taking care of a kid. If I choose to go back to school when EK is older, I think that's quite doable. I think everything is easier when you only have one child. Maybe people are thinking of their lives after having more than one kid. Either way, I think the comments along the line of "you will have no life once you have a child" are really negative and unnecessary. And to be honest, I've kind of quit talking to a quite a few people because of this. I'm not mad at anyone but I just don't know how to respond. (I realize this is my fault. I shouldn't let what others say affect me. Different opinions shouldn't bring me down.)

I have some ideas of things I can do that aren't very consuming but will give me immense satisfaction. Once my MIL moves up here, I think I will be able to take about 4 hours a week to do these things. I don't need to be super mom with a big career, trying to do it all. I'm just asking for some time to nurture myself so I can be a better wife and mother. If I just live for other people, who am I? A Stepford wife? I don't know, but what I do feel is that I won't like that person very much.

That being said, I'm so excited to see this baby. Every week when I see her on the ultrasound, I get a little giddy. Last week I cried when I could see her face on the screen. I just never thought this would be possible. I can't wait to see her personality come out, to teach her how to nurture her own interests and talents. How to be a strong woman while facing so many issues on the road to adulthood. We'll play silly games, make up songs and watch cartoons. I'll teach her to bake and cook, to find cool rocks when we're out on walks...all kinds of fun stuff. And I'm sure there will be a lot of days when my body is not going to do jack shit and I'll have to lay on the fucking couch all day. But I'm hoping she will dig watching old Scooby Doo eps or putting puzzles together so mommy can rest. I guess we'll just see how it goes.

I'll end this emo post with a sneak preview of my photo proofs from this week. I am trying to choose five to have edited and am having a hard time narrowing it down. I really wanted something fun, different and pin up for my maternity pictures. Here are a couple that I like.

*Photos are unedited and taken by Vixen Pin Up Photography. All rights for use and distribution are held by Vixen.

Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow and this isn't how things are to be for the next 9 weeks!! Have a good 'un. Tschus.