Big Baby Blog

Today my baby Elsa is two weeks old, and I think I have aged about 2 years. :) The following is her birth story, my grey hairs and a bit about how we all are doing.

We went into the hospital Sunday night to start Cervidel but were sent home as I seemed to be doing well enough on my own. We happily drove the 20 miles back home and woke at 2AM to return to the hospital. At 4AM they wheeled me up to my room and started poking and prodding me. I had my first panic attack with the IV (standard behavior on my part) and had to get a puke trough. Ron kindly smuggled me some water to wash the acid vurp back down my throat. Soon after, they started the Pitocin.

Here I am being interviewed by Ron that morning:



Ron never did a follow-up because after this video, things got more intense. Talking wasn't something I did readily.

About 10:00 AM my doctor came in, checked me and broke my water. That doesn't feel good, I'll just be honest. Not the worst thing I've done but it really didn't feel great. And the amount of fluid coming out felt like gallons. Ron took a look and said "yuck."

Around this time, Ron flipped through the channels and what did he see?? Army of Darkness! We took it as a sign from God...and Bruce Campbell.

Paralyzed, from my hospital bed, I was crowing about how Bruce Campbell retweeted me. It took me at least 10 minutes to type my Tweet, in between contractions. That's how hardcore, I mean nerdy, I am.

After my water broke I was told to go through at least a half an hour of regular, consistent contractions before I could have an epidural. I thought that was the longest half an hour of my life, at the time. It feels like knives going through your lower abdomen, quite frankly. And then the very crabby epidural person came in and lectured me on having a lower back tattoo. I guess there is a risk of your ink being pushed into your spine and causing an infection. I really didn't have the presence of mind to tell her that she had no right to be so pissy when I was the one being ripped apart from the inside by my zombie baby. It was no picnic trying to sit up and sit still for her to put a needle into my spine but whatever. After a couple tries it was in and I thought the worst had passed.

Before bad contractions:

I kept waiting for this magical epidural to kick in and take away all my earthly pain. Tick, tick, tick...the clock kept moving, the contractions kept kicking my ass and the epidural continued to mock me. Oh sure, my feet and legs were mighty numb! If my chief complaint that day had been arthritis of the knees and ankles, boy I would have been happy. So now I can't move around and I feel like Freddy Krueger is making minced meat out of my innards. The bitchy epidural lady ran in a few times, injected more solution into my pipes but nothing changed other than my legs became heavier and heavier. (Luckily we discovered that her husband is also a Bruce Campbell fan. Finally, some common ground!)

Shortly after, I experienced a really strong contraction and it felt like the baby punched me very hard in my upper belly. I didn't know it at the time, but Ron and his mom saw the baby's heart beat drop rapidly. The nurse came in and then the doctor. The Pitocin was stopped, I was thrown on my right side and had an oxygen mask slapped on. I was told my placenta may be rupturing and if baby's heart rate dipped again, we'd be in for a c-section. At this point I started to tear up because I really didn't want that. I was afraid that if I had this surgery, it would take me a long time to recover and I didn't want to be bed ridden. So I had an hour to recover and then try again.

Soon after the possible rupturing:

With the Pitocin shut off, the contractions were very bearable. I thought, perhaps, the epidural had finally kicked in. Hooray!

Then they turned the Pitocin back on. Wah waaaaaaaaaah. No dice: the pain came back with a vengeance. I believe this was now around 11:30 AM.

Thankfully, her heartbeat did not go down again. They inserted an internal monitor which fell out during another bad contraction and another "punch" to the gut. At around 1:00 PM I called back in the nurse and told her that I felt EVERYTHING and I could no longer take the pain. Please please please give me SOMETHING to help with the pain. She examined me and announced I was 10 cm and we could start to push. They called my doc and put me on my back. It was finally time!!

I'll save you the gory details and the video where she actually was born. However it took about 35 minutes and Elsa was here! I was unable to hold her for about half an hour because the cord was wrapped around her little neck, possibly causing her heart beat to drop earlier in the day. And I was a little torn up inside, requiring some stitches to stop all the blood loss. So here she is while I was being worked on:



Ron and I bawled when she was born and we were so happy to see her.

Elsa Kimberleigh, 6 lbs, 7 oz and 19 inches long. Born November 21st.

We are all doing great, we are all tired as hell and happy too! Everything is still new and different for us and I thank you all in your patience while we adjust. Once we start sleeping more regularly, I imagine I will be more in touch with people again.

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! Tschus!

Posse: Assembled

I finally have my post-natal support team assembled! I've visited with my rheumatologist, my counselor and now my pain doctor, as well as my OBGYN of course. All my conditions have been addressed and I'm ready to tackle them once EK gets here.

The last to get on team Bex was my pain doctor. Since I haven't been there in a while, they made me take a drug test. I'm 9+ months pregnant and taking a drug test. It was a little weird but I understand where they are coming from. And since I disclosed everything I do take, nothing illegal or of a narcotic nature, I had nothing to hide. Still, I had an initial reaction of "Really?"

I'm not sure how so many people are abusing prescription pain killers. They don't make it easy to get a hold of them. And in my state, the pharmacies are able to track controlled prescriptions so you can't fill in one place, get another 'script and fill again somewhere else. Yet I still read articles about how people are OD'ing on prescription drugs and how states want to further regulate their use. And from what I have read on this issue, it's not the pain patients who are abusing the drugs. It's people who steal/buy/obtain pain medication without medical need for it. So to combat the addicts who don't need these drugs, we punish the people who do. Isn't that great? I say we legalize marijuana, even though apparently that is the first most abused drug in our nation. At some point, people need to learn to be responsible. If you are going to abuse drugs, you run the risk of killing yourself. I hate to be so cold-hearted, but when someone's addiction directly affects your life, you tend to get bitter and resentful.

Well now, I didn't mean to hop up on a soapbox. I'll go through the hoops because I am not abusing the system. It sucks and it means a lot more driving around, but I will do whatever I have to in order to keep active.

I'm so relieved and thankful to have everything I need all set up and ready to go. Some family members on both sides are facing health issues right now and we are worried for them. But we are thinking positive for everyone and praying for good outcomes. Nothing like a little stress right at the end, eh? :)

Life at 36 Weeks

My life at 36 weeks:

*It feels like someone is repeatedly kicking me in the genitals and, when the flesh is good and raw, pouring hot sauce all over it. You can add this to the Wish I Had Known list of shit that happens to a pregnant woman's body.

*Add the above to hemorrhoids. I don't think I need to elaborate on this.

*Skin tags and moles! Oh joy! They are popping up EVERYWHERE! By the end of this pregnancy, I'm afraid I'll look like the demon who ate kittens in the series Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

*Back aches. Holy hell that one sucks. And it's not just where you would expect either. Because the top part of my body is so scrawny, I seem to lack the muscles to hold myself upright properly. By the end of the day, the muscles and nerves between my shoulder blades are screaming. It's definitely a fibro symptom because I've had similar flares in that area. Add the lower back to it and I'll soon be able to add my name to the list of eligible, hunchbacked side kicks.

*Gastric functions are at an all time high. I've never had heartburn in my life until this. And it reached a new level a few weeks ago with horrible pain. It felt like a geyser of acid threatening to shoot out of my mouth. I imagine it to be like the blood from the Alien creatures; whomever comes near me will risk being hit by a torrent of acidic, hot liquid which can eat through organic, fleshy materials and metals. Thankfully, there is a mint-infused version of Zantac that is safe to take and it almost completely eradicates this threat to all humanity. And yes, you can take that as a product endorsement.

*Hormonal? OH JUST A LITTLE. I can go from crying to wanting to molest my husband in about 5 seconds. Not to mention, I'm also impatient and crabby. We're definitely riding the crazy train here.

*Brain power and coordination are greatly diminished. It almost seems like a cruel joke from Mother Nature to make a creature so goddamn clumsy but who also finds it almost impossible to bend over. I can't even guess how many things I've dropped on the floor only to find it excruciatingly difficult to retrieve. (I huff and I puff and I BEEEENNNNNNNND my ass over.) Also it is hard to find the words to express myself or form complete thoughts. A thesaurus wouldn't even help me because I don't even have one word I can bring forth from my brain to look up. "What's another word for that thing?" *points* "That THING over there? Yeah what is that?" Fffffuuuuuuuu.....

If you add all this together, I feel like a hunched over, gigantic monster with bad skin and an inflamed crotch, who while bawling, is chasing some poor man around the house, yelling for sex in monosyllabic grunts, all the while crashing into furniture, and only pausing to suppress a Hiroshima-like vurp.

So that's pretty much where I'm at these days. So if you want to ask me how I'm feeling, I might just continue to point you to this blog. The good news is, I really don't need to invest in a costume for Halloween this year. I am scary enough already. Have a great Halloween everyone!

Tschus.

Lawd, I see the light!

I went in today for the baby's growth scan, her movement test and my normal medical exam. Peeing in a cup every two weeks is nothing spectacular. But you know, there are ways to make it a little fun. I like to put pictures on my urine cup every time I go. I encourage you all to find ways to make your medical visits a little more silly. I guarantee if they ever think they've lost my sample, all I have to do is say "Look for the cup with a smiley face on it."

Sometimes I do smiley faces, sometimes it's a flower with a smiley face and today it was a sun smiling! I have happy pee.

This baby went from being tiny and only 23% on the growth scale to just plain normal at 54%! Just a month ago she wasn't even 5 lbs and today she is 6 lbs. We're 35.5 weeks in and I can finally see the end coming. Whew!

The last weekend was tough. I managed to take a really wonderful walk in the country on Saturday with Horry; it was beautiful. I also attended a volunteer party with Patton and Ron and walked Tobin a few blocks. It was such an eventful and fun day! My neighbors had me over for their little bonfire and it was fun to sit, chat and eat S'mores. Sunday I did some house work and errands but by the end of the day, I could hardly walk. My legs were so swollen and the knees ached so much. I wanted to cry.

Because of that, I don't want to let things take its course and let the baby come when she may. I know this will set off alarms for all the moms who choose to let their bodies go into labor naturally. However the longer I go, the more limited my mobility becomes. Now if I sit on the couch all day and don't do housework - just SIT - I will be ok. However I don't want to sit on the couch for 5 more weeks, only getting up to eat and go to the bathroom. If I was on bedrest because the baby was in danger, you bet I'd do it. But the baby is doing amazing! She's perfect in fact. If I go for walks, clean my house, run my errands, I risk flu-like fatigue and inflamed joints.

Once I hit 38 weeks, my doctor can go ahead and schedule the induction. But right now we are looking at going into the hospital on the 20th, starting the cervical softener and then starting Pitocin on the 21st. I am so relieved. This means I know when I can start up my RA meds again and I know that we won't be stuck in 1-2 hours of road construction traffic that plagues the weekends here. Those were my two concerns, especially since we live so far from the hospital. Mentally this makes me feel so much better too. No more wondering if we'll go into December or worrying that the weather is going to keep getting colder before I can get my wonder drugs back inside me. Hooray!

Nursery pics here.

That's my news for today! Happy pee and induction in sight. Have a groovy Monday, tschus!

Al and Jane say it best

"In life you have to do a lot of things you don't fucking want to do. Many times, that's what the fuck life is... one vile fucking task after another." -Al Swearengen, Deadwood.

Life isn't always this dramatic or shitty but it certainly can be a challenge. I've been dealing with depression all of my life. I can remember it being bad as far back as 5th grade, when I was a super dorky outcast in my school who had no friends. I even wrote in my diary about how I wished I was dead. Not very chipper! Every time I've tried counseling, I have always quit when it became too painful.

Things changed with my various conditions and issues. Anxiety is now a part of this whole vicious circle. When the pain gets bad, I get anxious because I can't do things like work, clean house, take the dogs for a walk, etc. Then I get depressed, the pain gets worse and things just go from there. I started to really feel out of control when I found out about the pregnancy. All the doubts I've had about myself are amplified now that I know a little human is going to rely on me for everything. Talk about pressure!

I saw a new counselor today who specializes in chronic illnesses. She told me that there are upsides to being chronically ill. I just stared at her and though, ok I'll bite. So I asked her what could possibly be good about it?? She told me that people who face chronic pain and sickness often have more wisdom and patience than those who are healthy. She said we have a different perspective that can be helpful sometimes. I didn't get to discuss this at length with her, as we had a lot to talk about. But perhaps she is right. Maybe we stop and smell the roses a little more than other people? And maybe we appreciate those little things more, like a sunny day, a walk around the neighborhood, a successful outing with friends. I can see how I have more patience now then I did when I was younger and healthier. Now when things turn out less than perfect, I don't get as upset as much or as quickly as I used to. So what? Things have been worse. And probably will be again. No sweat! And sometimes I sit and listen to people's problems and I can instantly see how they are being too hard on themselves. We are indeed, our own worst critics.

I guess I've never looked at things this way before. That doesn't make the frustration, anger and sadness go away instantly. But it helps a little.

There are other things I need to work through but the immediate need is to find ways not to let depression and anxiety take over when my pain flares up. It's so hard because before the pregnancy, it was a cycle of horrible endometrial pain, followed by a fibromyalgia flare and the aches and pains of arthritis thrown into the mix. By the time the cycle had finished, my period would start again. It is hard even for someone who isn't a pessimist like myself to look on the bright side during all that. And I'd get so tired of people saying that even though I feel horrible, at least I look good! Oh yes, because that's all that matters to me. That I look pretty some times. Jeezus.

People who know me in person know that I am no hippy. I don't care for herbal medicine, mainly because I've tried so many things and made myself sicker in the process. However I am pretty excited that this counselor is going to teach me relaxation techniques. When you are experiencing tremendous pain, your body tends to tighten up everywhere. Pretty soon you notice that while the pain started in your gut, for example, it is now radiating all over your back and neck. I'm hoping that this will prevent the spread of pain from tension and stress.

So here I go, back on the emotional roller coaster. Instead of gritting my jaw and pushing down all those fears and anxieties, I'm back to facing them head on. Who knows how long this will take but I'll be damned if I let this shit threaten my relationships anymore. Especially little EK who needs me to be as healthy as I can be, mentally and physically. I want to be ok with the fact that some days I have to be loaded up on pain killers, resting on the couch and letting my kid watch a cartoon, no matter what the American Academy of Pediatrics says right now. Maybe it's just retraining myself to let go of the desire to be a perfectionist in many areas of my life.

I'll just end this now with another quote from one of my other favorite characters from the show Deadwood. Have a great evening, tschus.

"Them what gets cured by Calamity Jane STAYS fuckin' cured."

Zombie baby showers!

I am so blessed to have friends with kooky senses of humor just like me. And even those who do not, at least they are so understanding of my interests and quirks. "She wants what for a baby shower? Well ok!"

I had two showers to try to accommodate everyone's schedules. I was really hoping my mother in law could be there for one of them, but it was not meant to be. We will get her here for the birth though and that is what really counts.

The first shower was last month and the theme was "Mommy's Little Monster." Awww so cute! Here are some photos of that.

The invitation

Party favors!

The decorations. As an aside, look! My house is clean!

Blood spattered umbrellas. Perfect!

My good friend Katie and her hubby did this cake! I've mentioned her awesomeness before. They run Brody's Bakery. The cake was vegan and gluten-free which was really important so two of my guests could eat this! And yep, they know about the spelling error but in all fairness, they are so dang busy. I'm in awe that they had time to do this at all! So cute! NOM NOM!

There are a few more pictures at my Flickr.

The second party was held just last Saturday at a friend's house. I again requested a zombie theme which my friends were already thinking about. What's cuter than Plants vs. Zombies? If you haven't played this game, do it. It's so addicting and silly. The premise is, you plant super awesome plants in your yard to thwart a zombie invasion. The zombies munch through your plants and try to attack the house. You collect sun beams to buy more plants. Here are some images from that day!

One friend knows how to make balloon animals and she made some of the characters from the game. How freakin' cool!

Another balloon.

Anyone remember the Pac Man anniversary cake I had last Feb?
The same talented gal made this cake. Can you believe it? You can find out more about her amazing cakes by visiting her website HERE. The top tier was pumpkin and the bottom was chocolate. It was as delicious as it was cute!

Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake. To see more details on this cake, see my other Flickr set.

You have to cut a zombie cake with a giant murder knife!

Erin and I. Erin is not only the maker of this cake, she is also my friend whom I've known since 7th grade. It's just a twist of fate that we ended up in the same place, so far from home. We were both in tears when we saw each other on Saturday. I think it was just so moving to see someone from home. Someone I've known since childhood and here she is, sharing this miraculous part of my life. I'm so touched that she came to my shower and put so much work into baking and decorating this.

My lovely hostesses! They are so stylish. :)

I wish I had taken more photos with all the guests from both parties. My brain is so fried and I've been so exhausted lately; I'm not thinking clearly most of the time. And I'm slow as hell getting out thank-you cards to not only these great people, but all the wonderful people who have sent me things in the mail. I swear, I will get this done!!! Thank you everyone for sharing this with me, for encouraging me to hang in there and just being so fucking fantastic!

It's the final countdown!

Now get THAT song out of your head! *Evil Laugh Track*

I have seven weeks to go. That's it. I've moved on from the "holy shit, this has to come out of that little hole!" to "just get this kid out of me already." This is how nature mentally prepares you for child birth. The fetus presses on the bladder, smashing into a nerve that makes it down right painful and urgently requires you to pee. The horrific back pain after being on your feet for a limited amount of time. The fetal hiccups lasting for ten minutes at 3AM. Braxton-Hicks contractions every day, squeezing my gut and then the pressure shooting up into my throat.

This last trip to the doc showed her back in the breech position, with her head neatly tucked under my ribs. Ahhh yes. This explains why it feels like someone is puncturing my lungs every time I sit down.

Therefore seeing an end in sight is quite welcome. I don't even care about the upcoming pain or the sleepless nights or the rank diapers. I'm just ready to see her and hold her and of course, to have my old, defective body back. I never would have imagined that I'd want my old body back, for as much as it let me down, didn't work right and created so much pain for me. Surprisingly it has done this one thing right. It has so far successfully cooked a turkey. I know that when all the hormones that are protecting me disappear, the pain, the overwhelming fatigue, and the constant muscle aches will try to grab a hold of me again. Maybe I can fight it off this time and maybe not. Either way, it will be good to no longer be hosting my little fetal parasite. If only I could put her in my husband's testicles for the remainder of the pregnancy. Wouldn't that be great?

I've also been exhibiting a massive amount of nesting behavior. I can't sit the fuck down and rest until I'm so exhausted and in pain that I have no other choice. But the guest room closets are cleaned out. the laundry room has shelves and bins organized for their specific contents. The baby clothes are sorted by size and I'm in the process of washing every item. I even scrubbed the banister that separates the dining area from the great room. All that is left to do is paint a couple more rooms. My poor husband has not had a moment's peace in months. His wife has completely succumbed "Teh Crazee."

Maybe I should take some tips from this book a friend got me. I see some excerpts on the web and I find them to be really helpful. Oh shit, break dancing is not allowed? Dammit.

I will try to get some personal pics taken for the next blog post. I just couldn't resist these Safe Baby illustrations. So that's all for now!! If you need me, I'll be wigging the fuck out over curtains or lamps or on some new quest to find something to eat. Tschus.