Surgeons with laser beams on their heads

Ok, not really.  My doctor/surgeon has lasers but not on her head.

So just a warning, this post has pictures from my surgery.  My bare innards, how sexy!  It's like porn for medical geeks.

I went in last Monday at 6AM to St. Joseph's Hospital.  It was very nice because I got my own room with my own personal Jeebus on the wall.  I was a very good patient until the nurse hit my artery on her first try.  She changed sides and did manage to get a vein in my left wrist but not until she punctured one of my nerves.  So now I have some lovely nerve pain shooting into my left hand and arm.  The right arm doesn't hurt as much as it did but it looks pretty wicked!



I was out of surgery and recovery by 10:30 but stuck around until 1:00 because I couldn't pee.  This is pretty normal.  Every time I have surgery there is one nurse, Nurse Evil Bitch, who thinks she needs to turn the bed over as soon as she can and all but kicks me out.  There was a "Do Not Discharge Without Pee" order on me thankfully.  But that didn't stop her from trying!  Instead of napping peacefully, she wanted me up and trying to piss.  Everytime I got up, the gas pumped into my abdomen during surgery would migrate up my torso.  Fun.  It decided to settle into my shoulders and diaphram.  The diaphram gas prevented me from taking nice, normal breaths and when I couldn't pee without much struggle and pain, I got upset.  The more upset I got, the harder it was to breathe.  So what happens?  A fucking panic attack.  Ron called for a nurse, but she didn't know what to do.  Luckily Ron was able to get me simmered down and breathing as best I could.  He was pretty pissed off.

No matter how much common sense says a person should get rest and healing in a hospital, one never does.  You can't get a lick of rest in a hospital.   As soon as I could go to the bathroom normally, we hit that nurse button and got the hell out.

So here are the photos my doctor took of my insides.  She is such a wonderful doctor and I'm so grateful to have her working so hard for me.



The white things are the ovaries.  One of them is fine and the other was covered in black endo growths.  All the black stuff is endo.  It doesn't look like much does it?  Ron said they were described as being the size of eraser heads.  So having that stuff on the outside of the bladder is like being pinched on very sensitive tissues.  And that's only the stuff you can see.  I can't imagine how much microscopic stuff there is!



Again there are my ovaries and also the pancreas (left) and liver and bowel (right.)   Happily my liver and pancreas show no signs of endo.  My bowels look fine but based on how it feels, I think there is some small stuf on there.



Here are my fallopian tubes and the dark stuff is actually dye.  The doctor flushed this dye through my tubes to check for blockages that could be endo sitting inside.  Since the dye went through, theoretically there isn't anything in there to prevent an egg passing through.  The fertility docs will want this information.  The first time I did this was last year and the dye did not go through.  That's when they found the Mullerian defect and cut away the wall that was growing inside my uterus.  Fun stuff!



Here's my swollen belly.  This is the fourth time I've had my belly button cut open.  I'm afraid it's not going to look very pretty by the time we're all done.  I had a new cut around my hip so that's a new scar.  The third incision was over the pubic bone but I'm not going to post photos of that.  Ewww pubes.

I have follow up appointments and fertility consultations within the next week.  I'm excited to see what the next step is.  I honestly think if we can pull off a pregnancy, we'll just do one.  Someday we can adopt if we want two kids but I believe that putting myself through one pregnancy is enough.  I guess I have my limits and this is one I have set for myself.  I'm scared to be a mom of a little baby but I miss doing mom things so much.  I know it will all be worth it.  And if I can't have one, I'm completely happy to adopt. 

And I hope you all will attend my Going Away Uterus Party someday.  I fully intend to celebrate the hysterectomy when it's time!  Can you imagine, Pin the Ovary on the Tube game?  Come on!  It will be hilarious!

Well that's all for my reproductive system for now.  My joints have decided they want to give me hell so I'm feeling pretty shitty today.  More to come on other subjects soon!

 Tschus!

 PS:

When searching for images of endoemetriosis, I found this site that sells "colloidal silver" remedies for everything from a spider bite, to endo, to dandruff.  Wtf?  Has anyone heard of this?  Not that I'm surprised by drinking silver mineral stuff doesn't sound like a good thing to me.  F'in quacks.

And now, 50% drama-free!

The more I try to keep drama out of my life, the worse it gets.  It would help if I could keep my damn mouth shut.  But whenever I feel there's been an injustice, a misunderstanding, a wrong inflicted, I open my big, fat mouth.  If I could just look the other way I am sure my life would be quieter.  I think living with someone who has an anger problem and internalizing all our problems made me go a bit too far to the opposite side after the divorce.  I never wanted to feel like I didn't stand up for myself because I was afraid of creating problems or confronting someone.  Never again, I swore.  Maybe sometimes it's more helpful to just stfu.

Pain.   Pain is a good diet aid.  I've lost about 4 lbs in the last two weeks because everything I eat lately upsets my stomach and I hurt so much all the time.  I've cried more this week than I have since my divorce.  Luckily the patronizing nurse at my doctor's office put through my request to schedule the surgery for earlier by ten days.  So right after I get home from ND, I have the Pinups for Pit Bulls photo shoot and then surgery the following Monday.  Yippee!  I just want it over with and then to figure out the next step.  And honestly, I'm really looking foward to getting this damned system out of my body.

It's also been a very animal-centric time at our house.  Ratchet was ill for a while and the second opinion vet at least got us a bronchial dilating medicine which has been super helpful.  He's not cured but he's much for comfortable and he's more alert and happier.  Patton threw up on the bed yesterday which necessitated a trip to our local laundrymat.  That was an unpleasant experience.  (I hate laundrymats.)  Then today, Sadie threw up twice in front of us.  I think Patton horked because he was trying to mow the lawn on his own and Sadie did because she ate a treat and then contorted herself to lick her ass for ten minutes straight.  I think the position she was in did not aid digestion.  So no one is really sick, but you know pets. 

Rowdy is good.  He's still hanging onto life with his ten teeth.



This is a pretty normal pose for the guy.  Old dogs don't have the best kidneys so you have to take him out a lot.  We were firing up the grill when Rowdy decided this was outdoors enough for him to do his "thing."

Tuesday I'll be back in Dickinson.  I'm flying home until the 5th because some relatives will be in Hebron, and the old gang will be back in Dix.  It's been 5 years since I've been home so this will be really weird.  I think my dad is happy about it and it will be good to spend some time with him on his turf.  Plus I hear Dix has grown a lot and I'm sure there will be some new things going on.  Well, probably lots of the same stuff but just....newer.  I hope to take mass amounts of photos of family, the old gang and the Badlands.  I'm sure there will be much posting of photos when I return.  

Finally, I picked up a copy of Zombies of Mass Destruction at my local Wal-hole.  I was looking at it when approached by a fellow nerd, employed by Wal-hole.  We geeked out on a discussion of zombie movies and whether or not anyone should bother with doing a Bubba Ho-tep sequel with no Bruce Campbell.  He told me that he heard there is one helluva hit and run scene in Zombies of Mass Destruction but he hadn't seen it yet.  So Ron and I watched it last night. 

 

If you watch it, remember that it's an independent film.  That being said, I totally recommend it just for the hit and run scene.  We laughed our asses off.  The movie differs in other zombie flicks in a couple key ways: the zombie outbreak is treated like a terrorist attack by the general public and two of the heroes are gay characters.  Just the gay guys are great to watch; likeable and funny.  The effects aren't bad either.  The acting however is much like what you'd see in stage theatre.  It's a little over the top and the lines are read much like in a play.  Not that it's a bad thing.  I've seen two zombie plays and really liked them.  It's just a different method of delivery and once you get used to it, you can have fun with it.  Ron thought the jokes were few and far between but I loved it.  For $9, it's fun to watch and it adds to the collection.



That's all I got for now, or all I'm willing to type up.  :)  Hope all is well for everyone out there!  Tschus.

Creepy crazy

We are closing to making a decision on wtf to do with my jerk-ass uterus.

I had my ultrasound and basically they found fluid behind the uterus again and some cysts.  My doc thinks I shouldn't be making cysts as I've been on birth control since last fall.  I have no idea what that is supposed to mean.  My uterus is also enlarged.  I guess it's been taking illegal steroids or something.  She also said it's possible that the type of endometriosis I have could be in the muscles or just making cysts and scar tissue.  Unless they do some biopsies, they just can't tell.  The intramuscular type is harder to treat apparently.  Hahahhaaa seriously.  Great.

I refused the Lupron.  I don't want to risk it with my RA and I don't care to risk gaining a lot of weight, joint pain, and TEH CRAZY.  So at the rate I'm at, I will have surgery to clear out the adhesions about every 1.5 years.  Or I can have our kid now and get this shit removed for good.  We are going to consult with high risk pregnancy and fertility doctors.  Depending on what they say, we'll make our decision.  This shit is coming out though...it's just a matter of time.  I'm pretty damned tired of dealing with it.  Take it out!!!!!!!!!!!!

Surgery to clear things out for now will happen mid-July.  Hopefully I don't miss too much work so that I can keep my job.  I'm hoping for a quick recovery.I've been on so much pain medicine lately that I can't even think of what else to post right now.  So tired.  Ratchet's been sick.  So between medicating him and Rowdy, I sometimes forget to take my own shit.  Whoops.

However I did do something rather interesting last week.  I was in St. Joseph for work and stopped by the Glore Psychiatric Museum which is this very disjointed exhibit in an old asylum.  It's creepy as shit and just weird.

Here are some photos:



The morgue



Stomach contents of a compulsive swallower.



Two-way observation mirror.



Salem's way of dealing with the insane.



Electro-shock therapy

You can see the rest of the photos on my Flickr.  It's a cheap entrance fee and very interesting.  I recommend it.

Other than that, I'm doing well.  Ron just got a new job that he starts in a couple weeks.  He's pretty excited and this will be a step up for him.  I've also just felt so stressed that I have no tolerance for bull shit anymore.  And just for little things.  I'd rather just confront a problem or person directly than to play stupid mind games.  I've realized how uncomfortable this makes people.  I guess this world has become so passive/aggressive that most people can't handle direct confrontation.  I'm sure if I had more patience, I could be a little more tactful at times.  Oh well.

Take care everyone.

Tschus.

Something a bit lighter perhaps?

My last stitching project for the Flickr Phat Quarter swap.  I took this from a drawing posted on the web:



Zen Kitty and his garden of zen poop is now residing in England.  Not sure what I'll do next!

Here we go….

...again?

Ultrasound on Monday because of bad pelvic pain.  I'm sure some people would love to be on pain killers everyday, but I hate it.  It makes me tired, out of it and constipated.  My gut looks like I swallowed a 10 pound ham.  It's disgusting.  I'm not sure if the ultrasound is going to change the fact I still need to have surgery again, but oh well.  Maybe there is an alien growing in there or something.

The new dilemma is whether or not to go ahead with Lupron afterwards.  Lupron is a drug that puts you into a chemical menopause.  It's typically given in a 3 month shot but I'm told there is now a one month version.  Treatment usually lasts for 6 months, with a shot each month.  Typical side effects are hot flashes, insomnia, depression, dizziness, bone loss, irritability, feeling like you want to fucking kill someone, etc.  With the bone loss, some people have horrible body and/or joint pain.  My first doctor told me without Lupron, she'd see me six months after surgery and that was the only option she gave me.  I switched docs.  My current doctor is very good about not pushing me into it.  But I may have no choice anymore.

Fortunately they do what is call "add back therapy" which adds a little progesterone and estrogen therapy to this.  Not that it makes sense.  Lupron starves the body of estrogen to shrink and halt the growth of adhesions.  But being put into sudden menopause, especially when you are young, isn't easy on the body so they add some hormones back into it to lessen the blow, so to speak.

Some women have no pain after treatment, and some women have a return of their pain when therapy ceases.  Most of the reviews that I've read have been horror stories.  Horrible hot flashes, osteoporosis, mania, fatigue, joint pain, etc.I don't know what to do.  I'm afraid I'll never be able to have kids.  Right now to even THINK about getting pregnant, I'll have to go off every medication I'm on except for my thyroid drug.  Then after about 3 months, we can try.  How can you try to get knocked up when it hurts to try?  There is always a turkey baster, which is an option.  Can I survive without any of my medications for up to a year?

So if I decide I can't do this, should I just have the hysterectomy?  I know this is where I'm heading someday but even that is not fool-proof.  The growths can be anywhere in your pelvis and they react to natural or supplemented hormones.  And because it's sometimes microscopic, one can't be sure that it was all lasered out during surgeries.

So wtf am I supposed to do with myself?  Anyone have any suggestions?  I've read everything from yeast-free diets to having a baby to supplements to menopause/hysterectomy.   I've been sitting here crying because I don't know what to do anymore.  If we do adopt, I'll still have this condition and I need to deal with it.  I'm so fucking tired of dealing with it.  And you know what?  Having a positive attitude doesn't make it go away.  Exercise doesn't make it go away.  I'd like to hold onto both but let's face it, they aren't making a shit ton of difference.

I know, I know.  I'm only 33 years old, there's plenty of time.  Well there really isn't when you come down to all the fucking planning and preparation we will have to do.  And spending a bunch of money on medical bills doesn't really give you a lot to save up for normal, everyday things like a house, car repairs, vet bills, etc. let alone adoption.  Any old crack addict can have a baby or six but you have to be wealthy to adopt a baby.

I know my husband will support whatever I choose to do but I know he wants to be a dad.  And he would be a great dad.  And I am so resentful and angry and exhausted trying to make these decisions.

*sigh*

So anyways, I thought I'd take some photos of how fucking stupid my insurance company is.  The shot I take each month for my rheumatoid arthritis is very expensive.  Because of that, the insurance monkeys said I have to order my shot through their prescription services.  They overnight my shot to me each month in a cooler.  Here is how much packaging they are wasting, not to mention how expensive it must be to overnight a box this size:











So there ya go.  Not exactly upbeat but oh well.  I'm trying to keep perspective on it all but every time I am about to have surgery, I start to get panic attacks.  I know I'll absolutely freak the fuck out once I get in the prep room.  What fun!

Tschus.

Mainly just beer.

This post is mainly about beer.  I talk about tapering off beer so as to whittle my waist but who am I kidding?  I love beer!  And you know what?  Beer loves me too.  So why fight nature?  Beer is here to stay.

Last weekend we finally enjoyed our tour of the Boulevard Brewery in downtown Kansas City.  They had a few short videos throughout the brewery so you could learn more about the brewing process.  The old building is the ca. 1888 Muehlebach Brewery building.  The new building uses recycled pine for the floors, big windows to let in light, a "green" roof to use water and recycled building materials.  It was interesting to see and of course, there were samples.  I love samples.  I'll take samples of anything please.



The beautiful, pine flooring.



One of the uhhh brewery things.



I liked these illuminated bottles in the wall.



A very strong beer that is brewed in old Jack Daniels barrels.



The new building, bottling area.



I had a lot of samples of this.  It's absolutely lovely, if you like strong, heavy-tasting ales.

In news other than beer....Patton is still in training.  His awesome trainer was over last week helping us continue towards our goal of therapy dog status.  He still has a ways to go but he's a good doggie.  He doesn't seem to want me to go in front of him up or down the stairs.  He races ahead of me, gets to the top and wags his tail at me.  Meanwhile I'm almost screaming "PAAAAATTON!!!" to get him to wait.  We'll get there.  I can only go up and down the stairs so much before I wear out, so this might take a while.

When it's not raining, I have the deck door open so the dogs can go in and out.  This is all good until the mosquitoes figure it out.  Patton loves to hang out here and chill:



Maybe it will quit raining finally.

Rowdy went out there earlier and took a giant whiz, which promptly drained to the patio below.  Oh well.  At least it wasn't on the carpet.



Even the rats like it.  This is our female pair, Samus and Ash.

Other then that, I've had a couple doctor check ups.  Like 3 or 4....I lose count easily.  The rheumatologist said to keep giving myself monthly shots of immuno-suppressants and to keep working out.  My gyno said my pain could be related to a bladder disorder so check that out with a urologist.  The urologist put a camera up into my bladder and took a peek.  He said it's fine.  By the way, that test fucking hurts.  Try having anything shoved up your urethra when you are still awake.  So now I'm having horrible abdominal pain and bleeding, which I know to be the endometriosis.  I'm sure it's about time for surgery again, which by the way, the last I talked to the ear, nose and throat guy, he recommended surgery for my sinuses and my rheumatologist agrees.  Can they laser your gut and drill holes in your sinuses at the same time?  That would be ideal.  I would like to just ignore everything and be free of medical bills and doctors for a while.  But then everything hurts worse and I quit functioning.  So I guess I better deal with this shit.  Ugh.  I think I have to figure out which one is more important right now, how much work can I take off before being fired and then go from there.

Oh by the way?  I'm sick of people who are younger then me, don't have fertility issues and/or already have kids bitching about how they may not have anymore children in the future.  Know what?  Fuck you.  That's all I have to say about that.

Aaaand I just finished another delightful stitch which I will post after it reaches England.  I think it's time for some Pale Ale and a heating pad.  Thank god I have today off.

Tschus!

Non Seq

I have a lot of unimportant, mental diarrhea aka updates to post.

Stitching:

I've participated in some swaps again and am currently embroidering for one with a Zen theme.  I'll post more information later when the swapee receives the completed piece.  I did get some of my mojo back when I whipped together another Bruce Campbell piece which I'm quite in love with:



I may be doing some variations on this one and putting them in my Etsy, which has been bare and collecting dust for several months.

Photography:

I haven't been doing much on this because I can only take so many pictures of my animals and weeds in the back yard.  I am trying to do more things with the manual settings.  I think my weekends are going to get busier soon so there will be more chance to practice with a little variety.

Pinups and Pit Bulls:

Volunteering is still going well.  I want to get back and hang with the dogs soon though.  There are a couple of them that I'm really in love with and I want them adopted out soon!  My Pinups for Pit Bulls photo shoot is in roughly thirty days.  I would like to drop one more dress size so I need to really push the working out thing.  Oh yeah, and the eating and beer thing.  That needs to taper down quite a bit too.  But I did order most of my underclothing so that is done.  Check out www.whatkatiedid.com for hosiery and www.gojane.com for shoes.  The shoes put me over 6"tall and I can hardly walk.  But I don't need to walk much in them, just pose.  If I can do that without killing myself, I'm good!  Oh yeah and 4 3/4" heels really piss off the arthritis.  Eeeeep.

Patton:

Patton graduated over a week ago from his Petsmart basic obedience class.  He seemed to really love being out in public with people and dogs all over the place.  He really blooms when he's socialized so now that it's over, I have to find ways to keep that going.  Kind of hard to do when the owner is a recluse.



Get this damn thing off my head!



Fine.  I'll pose.



Ice cream?  Seriously?  I can have it???

Now that he's done, I'd like to continue him on lessons, maybe private ones since his trainer left Petsmart.  We'll see how that goes.  I'm also taking him to the dog parks to keep him used to the other dogs.  There are some real snobs at the park though.  I guess the rich people in Johnson County snub their noses at a dingo lookin' dog who is built like a barrel-chested Pit.

Sadie:

Sadie is Sadie.  She's grumpy and stubborn.  She steals Rowdy's food and growls at him.  And she finds any bit of mud at the park and lays in it.  *sigh*



Notice the feet.



Above mentioned mud puddle.



People are afraid of Patton because of what he looks like and the fact his ears are always pinned back.  But Sadie is the one they need to worry about.  Here she is stalking people and dogs.  She's getting ready to spring up and run at them.

Rowdy:

Rowdy had another bad seizure about 2 AM on Saturday.  He was foaming at the mouth, urinated, paddled his feet and then as he came out of it, he howled and barked.  I'm sure our duplex neighbors didn't get any sleep.  After the seizure he drinks a lot of water and then paces the house for about 3-4 hours before he goes to sleep.  Ron got about 3 hours of sleep because he had to help him get out of corners and from behind furniture.  We were ready to take him to the E-vet and having him put down but just couldn't do it.  I know it's kinda silly but I want to keep his ashes and we don't have anything set up for his remains to be cared for.  Just when we are wondering wtf to do, Rowdy comes out of it and by the end of the morning, he's back to his old self.  And he's bouncing around and eating and happy to be alive.  *sigh*



He hates the camera flash.

So that morning after the seizure, I was off to the KC Arthritis Foundation charity walk.  I had raised some money and committed to doing it.  So no matter how tired, drained and shitty I felt, I had to go.  So I put Patton in the car and off to KCMO we went.  We walked three miles in the cold 45+ degree weather.  (Cold and wind really suck for arthritis by the way.)  It felt good to get through it but Patton was not happy.  From full-time couch to 3 mile trail....not so appreciated.









This is the scratch he gave me down my thigh after I tried to assist him into the back of the car.  OUCH.

And finally, Ron won the gold during the Corporate Challenge for individual men's bowling:



Hehehehee, he's so goofy.  So even after only 3 hours of sleep and emotionally draining things, he still gets gold.

That is about all I can think of for now.  Work is work and it has become only a peripheral part of my life.  I go to get a check to cover our bills and insurance and that's about it.  I think my career aspirations are done and abandoned.  Now that I'm ok with that conclusion, life is less stressful.  That's a good thing!

Well time to get to the doctor.  I better eat something quick or I'll pass out or puke when they take my blood.  Have a great day!

Tschus!