It's the final countdown!

Now get THAT song out of your head! *Evil Laugh Track*

I have seven weeks to go. That's it. I've moved on from the "holy shit, this has to come out of that little hole!" to "just get this kid out of me already." This is how nature mentally prepares you for child birth. The fetus presses on the bladder, smashing into a nerve that makes it down right painful and urgently requires you to pee. The horrific back pain after being on your feet for a limited amount of time. The fetal hiccups lasting for ten minutes at 3AM. Braxton-Hicks contractions every day, squeezing my gut and then the pressure shooting up into my throat.

This last trip to the doc showed her back in the breech position, with her head neatly tucked under my ribs. Ahhh yes. This explains why it feels like someone is puncturing my lungs every time I sit down.

Therefore seeing an end in sight is quite welcome. I don't even care about the upcoming pain or the sleepless nights or the rank diapers. I'm just ready to see her and hold her and of course, to have my old, defective body back. I never would have imagined that I'd want my old body back, for as much as it let me down, didn't work right and created so much pain for me. Surprisingly it has done this one thing right. It has so far successfully cooked a turkey. I know that when all the hormones that are protecting me disappear, the pain, the overwhelming fatigue, and the constant muscle aches will try to grab a hold of me again. Maybe I can fight it off this time and maybe not. Either way, it will be good to no longer be hosting my little fetal parasite. If only I could put her in my husband's testicles for the remainder of the pregnancy. Wouldn't that be great?

I've also been exhibiting a massive amount of nesting behavior. I can't sit the fuck down and rest until I'm so exhausted and in pain that I have no other choice. But the guest room closets are cleaned out. the laundry room has shelves and bins organized for their specific contents. The baby clothes are sorted by size and I'm in the process of washing every item. I even scrubbed the banister that separates the dining area from the great room. All that is left to do is paint a couple more rooms. My poor husband has not had a moment's peace in months. His wife has completely succumbed "Teh Crazee."

Maybe I should take some tips from this book a friend got me. I see some excerpts on the web and I find them to be really helpful. Oh shit, break dancing is not allowed? Dammit.

I will try to get some personal pics taken for the next blog post. I just couldn't resist these Safe Baby illustrations. So that's all for now!! If you need me, I'll be wigging the fuck out over curtains or lamps or on some new quest to find something to eat. Tschus.

TMI: The Taint

It t'aint this and it t'aint that. This is another one of those frank pregnancy posts so quit reading here if you don't wanna know.

There is no shame, no pride: nothing to embarrass me anymore. That all pretty much went away during all the surgeries, the fertility treatments, etc. I didn't think I had anything left to hide but preparing for a baby has shown me differently.

In order to try and prevent the perineum, or more loving known as "taint", from tearing during child birth, a woman can do certain things to stretch things out ahead of time. They call it perineum massage. When you think about a head coming out of there, and things tearing, then you know why this is a far better alternative.

I can't see my damn junk anymore to know if I'm doing it right. And my little mirror does not balance well on the bed. I am fortunate that my spouse is not embarrassed by anything and perfectly willing to do whatever needs to be done. How we will ever have a normal, passionate sex life in the future, I have no idea. I'll put in an illustration so you can see what I mean.

Interesting, no? But far better to do that then to experience this, if possible:

Oh my fuckin' God, no way!

So the instructions say to insert thumbs and pull downward until you feel a stinging or burning sensation. Once it starts to burn, hold it for several minutes and then pull outwards. So yeah, the stinging starts and I said OK ENOUGH FUCK THAT HURTS! And Ron, being very clinical said, ok now we have to hold for two minutes. I asked him to tell me a story to distract me. The only thing that came to his mind was the plot to Happy Gilmore. So he told me about a hockey player who needed money to get his grandma's house and how he went off to play golf. Ha ha!

All through the 8 minutes of stingy taint, my husband is telling me about Happy Gilmore. It was a good distraction and did make me laugh. We have to do this once a day until delivery and I am going to have him tell me a story each time. We'll see what other interesting summaries of movies I can get out of him.

Let me just reiterate how unsexy this was. It was uncomfortable. Not exactly painful but it definitely did not feel nice. When one reads "massage" in there, you tend to think of something that feels good. It's amazing what you will do though when you think about your genitalia ripping and being sewn back up. Taint stretches? You betcha!

Tired, tired, tired

It's been a rough couple of weeks. Nothing major but just having a hard time sleeping because of the aches and pains. I find that the RA is flaring up in my face of all places, specifically my jaw. It's hard to eat and laying on my side aggravates it too. But you are supposed to lay on your side so what are ya gonna do? Maybe one of those fancy foam pillows would help.

Also, I did a maternity photo shoot the other day and felt pretty great afterwards, confident that I hadn't overdone it. Wrong. I woke up the next day hardly able to move. From my neck down to my calves, it was nothing but a giant ache. Dinner plans were canceled, I soaked in Epsom salts, put a heating pad on my back and followed up with ice. It got a little better but dumb ass me, in an effort to be all natural on my woes, I took a couple fish oil pills yesterday evening. Wow, big mistake. I forgot how that stuff stimulates the brain! It completely counteracted the sleep medication I take each night. I should have slept hard but instead I didn't feel sleepy all night. I just laid on the couch, dozing every so often. I did get a couple hours of sleep in the morning and another 45 minute nap later today so I guess that's good. I forgot how sensitive my brain is to certain things. Thank you Fibromyalgia. Or should I say, Fuck you.

Another day of Zombie Bex.

I'm not really sure why, maybe it's because of a couple comments I've read here and there, but I feel almost completely disassociated with my former social circles, online and in person. I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere, or maybe I'm too tired to try anymore. It doesn't help that I feel unable to form a creative thought anymore. Maybe that goes away with the pregnancy, who knows. I think the other part of it is that I feel like a big Nobody. I don't want to be just a mom. I want to be a mom who writes, who creates, who has her own interests. Whenever I talk about that, I get so much resistance from people. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "your life ends when your baby's is born." "All you are is her mom now and when she's off to college, you can do XYZ."

So tell me this: why? Is this really how life has to be or is that how some people chose or allowed their lives to be and therefore they perpetuate that crap in order to make themselves feel better? I don't know. I certainly expect her first few years to be very demanding. She is going to need her dad and me a lot because she cannot take care of herself. And I'm going to want to be with her a lot, to experience all those firsts with her.

But her life can be incorporated with my own interests too. She can go on hikes with me. She can go to petting zoos, family days at museums, watch movies, volunteer with the dogs, etc. I think back to when I was a full time step-mom to a 3 1/2 year old. We did lots of fun things together in those 8 years. Certainly kids have a short attention span and you may not get to do everything you want to do when you go out, and you need to incorporate kid friendly activities on your outings, but it is definitely not an either/or lifestyle.

Hell, I finished college and went through graduate school while taking care of a kid. If I choose to go back to school when EK is older, I think that's quite doable. I think everything is easier when you only have one child. Maybe people are thinking of their lives after having more than one kid. Either way, I think the comments along the line of "you will have no life once you have a child" are really negative and unnecessary. And to be honest, I've kind of quit talking to a quite a few people because of this. I'm not mad at anyone but I just don't know how to respond. (I realize this is my fault. I shouldn't let what others say affect me. Different opinions shouldn't bring me down.)

I have some ideas of things I can do that aren't very consuming but will give me immense satisfaction. Once my MIL moves up here, I think I will be able to take about 4 hours a week to do these things. I don't need to be super mom with a big career, trying to do it all. I'm just asking for some time to nurture myself so I can be a better wife and mother. If I just live for other people, who am I? A Stepford wife? I don't know, but what I do feel is that I won't like that person very much.

That being said, I'm so excited to see this baby. Every week when I see her on the ultrasound, I get a little giddy. Last week I cried when I could see her face on the screen. I just never thought this would be possible. I can't wait to see her personality come out, to teach her how to nurture her own interests and talents. How to be a strong woman while facing so many issues on the road to adulthood. We'll play silly games, make up songs and watch cartoons. I'll teach her to bake and cook, to find cool rocks when we're out on walks...all kinds of fun stuff. And I'm sure there will be a lot of days when my body is not going to do jack shit and I'll have to lay on the fucking couch all day. But I'm hoping she will dig watching old Scooby Doo eps or putting puzzles together so mommy can rest. I guess we'll just see how it goes.

I'll end this emo post with a sneak preview of my photo proofs from this week. I am trying to choose five to have edited and am having a hard time narrowing it down. I really wanted something fun, different and pin up for my maternity pictures. Here are a couple that I like.

*Photos are unedited and taken by Vixen Pin Up Photography. All rights for use and distribution are held by Vixen.

Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow and this isn't how things are to be for the next 9 weeks!! Have a good 'un. Tschus.

Patton and the Renn Fest

So much updating to do, so little energy! I have yet to blog about the baby shower but will do that when I get some more pics. In the meantime, here is a little Patton-centric update!

Our animal therapy group had a booth at the Kansas City Rennaissance Festival this weekend and we offered to hang out there for an hour. The Festival was packed with people who brought their pooches. I was so happy to see all the happy dogs among all the costumed people. And although it poured rain earlier in the day, we were lucky that it stopped before we left the house.

The absolute BEST part of the day was when we got to the booth. Two booths down from us was the tent for MOGS (Missouri German Shepherd Rescue.) Through looking for a dog trainer, I discovered that the woman who we got Patton from, was involved with this group. I went looking for her and sure enough, she was there. Turns out she is the group's founder. I reintroduced myself and before I could remind her about Patton, she looked at him and exclaimed "Eeyore!!!!!"

Turns out she remembers Patton well from his time with her back in 2007. He was one of four dogs that she personally took in after his sad situation. She said she remembers them because they were all about the same size and were so, so scared. And currently, MOGS has a dog that reminds her a lot of Patton in looks and personality. She couldn't stop hugging and petting him, and he was pretty happy to see her too. It absolutely made Ron and my day to have this reunion. I can't believe how one dog has touched so many lives. I feel so lucky that we were chosen to be Patton's mom and dad!

So here is Patton with Nancy on the day we formally adopted him, April 13 (Friday!), 2007:

And here are the two reunited on September 17, 2011:

There is nothing better in the rescue world then hearing success stories years later and better yet, getting to see that animal again.

I love the KC Renn Fest a lot! We got to pig out a little and I finally got my funnel cakes. It was a bit of a hike around and we didn't get to see everything. But that is ok! Next year I'll take Patton back with the baby. :)

Here are some more photos from the day.

Pets For Life booth

Patton makes fun of the Sheltie

A dog with a lady bug costume

Ron poses for me :)

Amazing, beautiful metal sculptures

I happened to see this dog being posed for the mermaid board and I HAD to get a picture. Isn't that hilarious?

Finally, here is Patton ready to go home. You can't see it but some little girl came by and got glitter all over his face. Ha!

So a very, very good day!

Hope you all had a great weekend as well. Tschus!

Wish I Had Known

WARNING: If easily embarrassed about female anatomy, pregnancy, crass language, please skip this blog post.

I am about two-thirds of the way through my first pregnancy. Since I didn't want to scare myself and crank up the anxiety meter any more than it already naturally is, I didn't read up much on pregnancy.

However, there are a few things I wish I had known before I got pregnant. I've decided to compile a list. Feel free to add your own "wish I had knowns" to the comments. *I reserve the right to add to the list after I complete the remaining three months.

1. Forget the toes, where's my junk?

I always heard cute stories about how a pregnant woman's belly grows so big that she can no longer see her toes. What I didn't seem to realize was that everything is overshadowed by the belly before the toes are affected. One day I looked down and screamed, "I can't see my genitalia!!!"

If you are a woman who regularly grooms the bikini area, you'll soon realize that you can no longer see your junk to trim. Wtf. Unless you are willing to pay someone to trim your hedges, you may have to get used to a '70's bush.

2. Acne...EVERYWHERE.

Oh my god, it's like being a teenager times 100. My skin looks like a cooked, cheese pizza. My face is oily, and my chest, back and scalp are also. I've never had a back-ne problem this bad in my life. I feel like a preggo Pizza the Hut.

3. Delicate flower vs. Preg-zilla

Everyone treats a pregnant lady like they are going to break. Sometimes I feel delicate, like an egg on the edge of a table. But some days I feel like I could crush someone's wind pipe with my bare hands. I did threaten to shove dog shit down a neighbor kids's throat but later I found out the the kid is indeed a little bastard and probably deserved it. However no shit was ever inserted into said bastards mouth. As of today, no one has been seriously harmed, maimed, or disfigured by me and I have not shattered into a million pieces. *I reserve the right to also amend this statement.

4. Body hair

Yes, it's true that hormones and vitamins make your hair grow thicker and faster. But I didn't think of my body hair in this little tidbit of information. It's everywhere and it's growing faster than the alien green moss that took over Stephen King in Creepshow.

My stomach, toes, ass crack....there is no sexiness left.

But yes, my mane is long and thick, if not more unruly then it was before. If I take the time to style it, it looks quite nice. But I'm too damn tired most days and it normally looks oily and flat on top while bushy on the bottom. Nice. I'm also paranoid that it's getting thinner on the top. I'm scared one day I'll wake up to look like Cookie the Clown. *shudder*

5. Morning sickness isn't like it is in the movies.

So those scenes in movies where the actress has morning sickness? She feels ill, runs to the restroom, pukes and goes back to work. Yeah. Fucking. Right. I am fortunate not to have vomited a lot but when I did, it was as if my whole body threw up, not just my stomach. The heartburn was incredible! My stomach cramped so hard during the retching that I pissed myself. There was no control over my body anymore. I was too sick to even be humiliated. I'm just happy I didn't also shit myself.

And I didn't have a wave of nausea and then feel better. It lasted all day. I lost almost 10 lbs. Ginger ale and crackers do help however. I learned to just eat whatever the fuck didn't offend my sense of smell or awaken the Satan-stomach. Most days it was Ritz crackers and cheddar cheese.

6. Everyone will treat you like you're stupid so you might as well run with it.

Yep, the minute you get pregnant, people will treat you like you have no common sense, cannot take care of yourself and need constant advice on everything. Even if you didn't have mush-brain, you might as well just act like you do. Play up the stupid, why not? While people are patronizing you and chastising your decisions, you can secretly plot their deaths. I liken it to Pinky and the Brain.

7. Bodily functions are no longer as embarrassing when expressed in public.

I've never been super flatulent so this is a new and uncomfortable change. I try to contain myself in public whenever possible but let's face it. As months go by, there is less and less room in there. I've scared Patton with my farts, poor dog. And when you gotta go, you don't care if you are in the middle of the ghetto Mall of the Great Plains. You announce it, perhaps too loudly in the store, to your spouse that "I HAVE TO SHIT---NOW!" and you get to the bathroom ASAP.

Another movie metaphor to illustrate my point:



I'm going to stop here. Why stop at 7? My pregnant brain can't think anymore today. I'm sure more things will be added to this list as my belly continues to eclipse my feet. I leave you with a humorous parody by a woman who is 38 weeks along.



Tschus!

Goats and 'ho's

Ok there were no 'ho's there, but we saw plenty of goats and other cute animals at the Deanna Rose Children's Farmstead this weekend. We wanted to scout out free/cheap things to do with our kiddo in the future so off we went!

They have a small dairy operation going on here which reminded me of my mother's upbringing on a dairy farm. I miss that place! And I love goats even though Ron says they have demon eyes. I think they are adorable. The kids can bottle feed them there. We also fed some corn to the geese who repaid us with enthusiastic pecks and intimidating hisses. Geese kinda freak me out.



Random little cutie feeding some goat babies.



I wanted to squirrel this one out and bring him home.



Sleepy calf.



I'm going to peck your eyes out if you come any closer.



They just completed a replica of a Kaw earth lodge.



Small tipi.



What did you all do this weekend? We also got a ton of house stuff done and that is a relief! Now I can watch Hoarders without feeling the need to jump up and vacuum. Whew. :)

Until next time....tschus!

Clouds and blankets

I have only a few mins to kill before the dog trainer gets here, finally. I am hoping Horace does some of his bull shit so the trainer can see what we need to work on.

So in the meantime I thought I'd through out some random shit about baby blankets and clouds. Because that's what is going on in my world lately.

My friend Teri, the awesome, awesome gal who gives me massages and is also expecting sent me some blankets that she and her mom had made for me. I was flabbergasted because they are so damn cute!! She knew I love dogs and was doing a puppy themed nursery so she found this fabric and made a hand-tied quilt:

She also sent the adorable puppy that Tobin tried to claim. Too bad Tobin! Not for you!

Isn't that cute?!

Her mom sent the pink one with a burp cloth. I love the delicate pink color and the little sheep.

Annd lovely craftster Pam sent me this vintage quilt! Puppies, kitties, lambs, etc. They are so cute! For some reason Tobin was once again all over this package. I think he wants a snuggle blanket.

And here is the back, complete with pudgy lil' kids:

I am so damn lucky to have such awesome, generous people in my life. This baby is going to have so many wonderful honorary aunts and uncles! Thank you ladies!

So on with the clouds! Thankfully the weather has become less "Satan's Oven" and it's moved on to its normal, volatile self.

Here Ron tries sweet talking all the thunderstorm anxious dogs out on the porch where we watch a small funnel try to form on Sunday. Luckily it broke up right away.



And here is just the general 'hood while we wait for it to really come down. Notice the lack of trees around. And the nasally voice. Heh.



And a couple weeks ago I took a photo of the outside of the house and our street. It's pretty quiet here and most of the neighbors are really nice.

Say goodbye corporate truck next week!

Sunset

So that's my update. Two completely unrelated things you probably didn't care about. :) Ok, about time for the trainer to get here. Wish us luck!!

Tschus!