Green is good!!

Thank you all for the comments on my latest posts. Your support and comments help push me forward on this journey and keep me blogging.

I received a survey to fill out for an acquaintance for her blog about domestic life. One of the questions is "what are you known for?" Holy hell I had no idea that would be so hard to answer. Since I function with tunnel vision about 80% of the time, I don't know what to say. What am I known for? Let's see. I am a mom to a kick ass little baby. I also advocate and volunteer for a couple charities. Bruce Campbell is my hero and I'm a crazy, obsessed fan. I love to cook and bake, when I have time. I love to express my angst and frustrations through embroidery, but I am not very good at it yet. Also I love working on my herb and flower garden. But what am I really known for? So dear readers, please please please tell me what you think of when you think of me.

I've worked into our budget an organic delivery service twice a month. The company is called Door To Door Organics and you can choose the size of your box, the types of foods you want included and you can also purchase organic breads, meats, eggs and cheeses. They even have gluten-free bread if that is part of your diet. Their website is awesome because, not only do they list the contents of your next delivery and allow substitutions, but they have several recipe suggestions based on your box's contents. The recipes sound delicious and they each have gorgeous photos but they don't always include what pan size you need. I've bookmarked and planned a few using their suggestions and look forward to trying them out.

My hope is to eventually switch to organic meats as well. Right now it's just too expensive but I think if I can find some vegetarian recipes that we both love, we can get down to eating meat only a few times a week. Does anyone else here eat organic? How organic are you; do you eat organic pastas and other boxed foods? Do you find the cost is worth it? In the summer, I think it's so much easier to do this because you have the farmers' markets everywhere. In the winter, where I live, fresh produce is harder to come by. And I think Whole Foods is a yuppie money suck to be honest. We DO have Trader Joe's in the area but it's a bit of a drive for me.

So our ultimate goal is to pay off our debt in a few years and buy a small acreage in the country. I'd love to have a horse or two and a big garden. I want my kids to grow up experiencing the agrarian lifestyle and to be able to grow some of our own food. Although I grew up in the city, I spent a lot of time on my families's various farms. I've run through fields being chased by a bull, roped a goat, sampled milk fresh off the cow (it was gross), chased chickens back into their pen and many other things. I'd be happier than...well, a pig in shit I guess!

I better quit here and get to cooking. I leave you with a picture of Elsa from today. Just an aside, Elsa is totally organic.

Tschus.

In case of emergency, break glass

All of the health woes I feared would return after the baby arrived have returned. The endo isn't intolerable, but the pain during each period is rough. The arthritis is still a work in progress to get under control. Just a word to the wise: If you start Enbrel, don't even try to inject it in your leg. Just do the stomach, it's so much easier and little pain. The injection in the thigh was like putting liquid fire into my muscle. I've never had a shot hurt that bad. After talking to the Enbrel nurses and reading online, I tried out the following tip: let the Sure Shot warm up to room temperature for 30 minutes, let the alcohol swab dry completely before you stick yourself and inject in the stomach, keeping away from the belly button by two inches. To anyone out there holding back on having kids because of your health, just go for it. Yes, it's hard. It's very hard. The little buggers need attention all the time and you have to use your energy to entertain them, feed them, rock them, soothe them, change them, you get the idea. But it's worth it. You will never regret having them.

Seeing that I do not need jaw surgery at this time, I decided to go with the cortisteroid injections. Holy hell that hurt like a sonnofabitch. You need to have a scan done at the time of the injection so they can locate the exact spot of your TMJ. It's kind of cool to see your skull on the television, opening and closing its mouth. I don't talk much about my spiritual beliefs, mostly because I hear so many people around me bitching about and making fun of Christians. As if all of us Christians are like the fanatical evangelicals. I think that's very narrow minded and disrespectful but hey, your opinion is your own. I decided to give up all the pain and worry about my health to God. I can only control so much and I can't afford to freak out every single time I have to undergo a painful procedure. Because there will undoubtedly be many more. Having that internal talk with God really helped me get through yesterday. The following picture shows a little bruising, redness and swelling. Thankfully my right eye is no longer all wonky. I looked like a stroke victim yesterday.

This summer I had a big trip planned and I've had to cancel it for various reasons. One had to do with our finances. I just didn't have the money to change the dates. It would have cost more than the ticket was worth! So if you go through Hotwire, just know that to change plans is next to impossible unless you have a butt load of cash at your disposal. So I had to make some hard decisions and after a sobering evaluation of our finances, I realized not only was the trip out of the question, I realized we needed a financial diet. Therefore I signed us up for Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. We are only on the first month but I have to say this has already changed our lives. The guy is no nonsense and says it like it is. It is amazing to see exactly every single penny that comes in and goes out. We needed the structure, but some people don't. Some people don't have debt so this is not a tool they need. But most people have at least some debt and we fit into that category. Plus, going down to one income has been really hard, especially after the baby arrived. Formula and diapers don't come cheap.

We are moving onto the cash-only system. I am clipping coupons like a mad woman. On my last two purchases, I saved over $30 by using coupons and shopping the sales. I got a pair of awesome Skecher shoes to replace my worn out tennis shoes for %15 off plus free shipping. This weekend we are having a garage sale during the ginormous, city-wide garage sale craziness and I hope we make some money to put into our baby emergency fund. Once we get that fund established, we start the debt snow ball part of the program. I am so excited to pay off this debt and start building wealth and peace of mind. Having this control is very empowering and it has helped lessen the blow somewhat of the cancelled trip.

The money diet is trickling down into other areas of our lives too. Because I have to track every dollar for our grocery bill, I'm evaluating our diet a lot more. I hope to make another garden box to plant more vegetables, and if I can finally get a good harvest this year, I can learn to can what's left over. We use a lot of canned diced and stewed tomatoes and I hate buying anything out of can because of the BPA lining. I also want to make the baby's food myself so I am paying more attention to organics. So far she's a good eater so I'm lucky on that front. I hope that we lose some weight during our financial diet since we won't be eating out as much! Also we are getting rid of all the extra shit in the house. We are planning and budgeting for things like dental care and treatments for the pups. And home improvements have to thought out well in advance, if possible.

I realize I'm probably boring the shit out of anyone reading this but I'm just excited to do this, as hard as it will be. And speaking of, I need to get working on the garage sale shit for tomorrow. It's gonna be a long, hot day! I leave you with a photo of my work in progress for my next art therapy piece. Lots left to do on it!

Isolation

First, some wonderful news. No surgery! Two experts strongly disagree with the diagnosis of severe joint damage. Therefore I will go forward with muscle and joint injections to relieve the pain and possibly a splint to wear at night. I'm very grateful I do not have to undergo such an invasive and risky surgery.

So overall life is good. I am working every day to control pain and take care of the baby. Unfortunately I get tunnel vision easily when it's "just do what I need to do in order to get through the day." The days easily blur together and I forget to notice what's going on around me. I've noticed lately that I've hardly talked to a soul other than my husband and doctors. Where did my social life go? It's not that I had a very active social life but I did talk to people in the neighborhood and occasionally hop on the phone to chat with people. My husband travels a lot and I now go long stretches without seeing or talking to anyone unless I have a medical appointment. It creeps up on me and before long I am overcome with intense feelings of isolation and disconnection from others.

Before the baby, I was able to maintain my focus long enough to work on stitching, taking pictures or watching a movie. Now it's very hard for me to do any of this. At the store today I had to look at my list over six times to remember the two things I needed to buy. That is extremely frustrating to me because I haven't always been like this. It's hard to adjust to a new reality when you lived your life with intelligence, drive, energy, talent.

I feel like any time I express an honest emotion in response to "how are you?" it makes people very uncomfortable. It's hard to see the pity in their eyes or the abrupt change of subject. On the other hand, pretending everything is ok (as I like to call it, life is all sunshine, rainbows and unicorns!) feels like I'm being fake. People may see me as thinking negative about things. Sometimes I am guilty of seeing the worst in my situations. However, no one knows what it's like to have someone cut you off in mid-sentence to say something like "but you ARE ok, look at all the x, y, z in your life! Concentrate on that!" When someone does this to you, you shut down. You realize that you can't confide in this person, that you can't express an honest emotion because it makes him/her uncomfortable, therefore you quit trying. Since you can't be this happy go-lucky person that you think everyone wants you to be, and because you are clearly bumming people out, you quit talking to just about everyone in your life. Granted, no one wants to talk to someone who is a perpetual Eeyore, always complaining and never trying to better his/her life.

This article really nails it on the head:

"Traditionally, the experience of serious illness has been approached in two ways: (1) a gloomy perspective of resignation, self-denial, and helplessness, or (2) a Pollyanna approach that denies altogether that there has been a real trauma. Both of these perspectives distort and disguise the reality of chronic illness.

The first perspective views the chronically ill person as a failure. This is the patient who does not respond to the "miracle" of modern medicine, and somehow the lack of recovery is often perceived as the patient's fault. This attitude of blame accounts for some of the worst psychological abuses of patients by health practitioners and caretakers, an attitude typified by the too-frequently heard statement, "Stop complaining. You simply must adjust." Unfortunately, the sick person may also adopt this punishing attitude toward himself or herself...All the anger and blame inherent in this attitude is misdirected: the patient rather than the disease becomes the target...Sometimes, it is useful in social situations to present yourself as a Pollyanna. When meeting new people and situations, it may be an advantage for you to let others think you have mastered your disease. The anxiety of other people is reduced by not having to confront illness. The danger is that this Pollyanna image may create a barrier between you and the people who can offer real help.

The resignation viewpoint holds little hope; the Pollyanna viewpoint holds little reality."

This article is so interesting to me and I wonder if part of why I'm stuck in this cycle of isolation and sadness is because I've never found a truly understanding and supportive network. My husband has been wonderful and a few friends are really good people. But they don't understand things from my perspective. And my family is another story. Recently I saw my father and he asked me if the doctors ever really figured out what is wrong with me. I was stunned by his question. I was diagnosed THREE years ago. I shared with my family THREE years ago my new reality. However no one in my immediate family has ever talked to me about it. I feel like they all view me as a hypochondriac. Indeed, I myself thought I must be crazy and it was all in my head, although blood tests continued to prove otherwise. (My brother is also suffering from very real and serious health issues. However the reality of his condition is always glossed over in conversations between he and I. I know part of it is that he doesn't want to talk about it or worry me.) Perhaps it's the mindset of "if we don't talk about it, it's not really happening."

I think the more you try to act normal, the worse you feel. But this article is resonating with me and gives me hope. Just to know that others have experienced all these emotions I feel is empowering. And it makes me think that I need to connect more with my brother. He is the only one capable of understanding my point of view and I feel like we should lean on each other more. Time goes by so quickly and before we know it, we won't have much time left together.

I really do not expect anyone to read this which is ok. It's long and a bit discombobulated. However it was an eye opener for me and I wanted to share it, in the small chance that someone else out there can relate or needs help. Have a good night.

Yeesh

On the bright side, shots in the back muscles aren't bad at all! Minor, minor pain.

But here are two images of jaws. Take a look at the TM joint and guess which one is mine and which one is off the 'net.

The surgical consultation should be interesting.

Jabber Jaw

It's been over a month since my last post. I've certainly been busy with house stuff, visitors and of course, the ever growing, increasingly mobile baby. She has learned to flip onto her stomach and is not that great at rolling back onto her back. So she gets stuck on her stomach and screams. It's quite tempting to strap her down at nap time and bed time, but I think there are laws against that. The swaddle worked until she figured out how to flip onto her stomach IN THE SWADDLE. Mein Gott, this kid is stubborn and squirmy!

After a whole day (and some times all nights if I'm home alone for a stretch) I find that I have nothing to give outside of caring for the baby. I don't have a lot of energy for much else and that sucks since my dogs are giving me evil looks for not taking them on walks. I would like to try to work up to walking them again for their health and my own. We are all on a diet (save the baby) since we all got a bit pudgy over the winter.

Patton has knee problems (luxating patella) and our vet said surgery would fix it but that is expensive. So he needs to lose a bit of weight and take joint supplements to help keep arthritis at bay. Having reminders that my fur baby is mortal and getting up there in age hurts my heart. I want him here with us forever, as I do all my pets/babies. Horace consulted with a vet on his hips and unfortunately is not a candidate for stem cell therapy. However there are some shots he could take, acupuncture and supplements which may help him. It's weird having to help my dogs with similar problems as my own. I guess I feel their pain, almost literally.

Speaking of, my health shit hasn't abated at all since the baby arrived. It is very hard to deal with it all on top of caring for a demanding little human. Difficult, but not impossible. (I just had to take a break to let my fingers rest from typing.) The latest on my journey through it all has been challenging. First, my biologic medicine isn't working as it had been pre-pregnancy. Apparently post-pregnancy, a woman's body can change the way it responds to medications. I'm anxiously awaiting insurance to approve a switch to a medication injected once a week. Also, the steroids I so wish to stop taking have made me cranky and hungry; an eating machine derailing my goals to drop a few pounds. Yeesh. They want me on it at least until my flares are under control, then I can start weaning. Third, the pain in my jaw and face has been constant for over a year. I was unwilling to get xrays during the pregnancy but finally did at my subsequent cleaning in March. The dentist stated, in his opinion, my jaw is showing significant damage in the joint. He recommends surgery and gave me the number of someone to consult with in Missouri. I made myself an appointment with a dental pain doctor who specializes in facial injections. (Apparently the jaw joint - TM - is so intricate, it is nothing like a regular joint and harder to treat with trigger point injections.) I am hoping, between the both of them, that surgery is the last resort and I can try a myriad of things first. I've read that jaw surgery should be the absolute last resort because so many things can go wrong. If they tell me to have surgery, it must mean the damage is pretty severe. I already avoid things like chewing gum, eating popcorn and other hard foods, and giving blow jobs to 50 guys a day as a source of income. Ha! Just seeing if you are still reading this. :) So lately my life has been baby care, calling doctors, harassing receptionists into providing my records, making appointments and making arrangements for EK while I attend all these appointments, trying to hurry up the insurance process for the new medication, and being very crabby.

All of this gets so old. But I must carry on, as well all do when facing life's challenges. Excuse me, I need to end this post. The squirmy baby is awake and hungry!

Tschus

Baby 101

As stated in the previous blog, Elsa is 4 months old. I have learned so much in four months. The first most important thing is that I don't love being a mom. I love being ELSA'S mom. I love seeing her grow, seeing her smile, try to talk, and discover new things. Being with her in the emergency room when she was 6 weeks old really made me realize how much I love this little human and how I would do anything in my power to keep her safe and happy.

So I've decided to share some things I've learned in these short four months.

Wipes Warmers: I read up on these and always read that they are a waste of money. I disagree. Try having a winter baby and touching her tender bits with a cold wet wipe. Get a baby wipes warmer. They are only like $20-40.

Cloth Diapers: I was given several sets of these to use as burp cloths. They are WONDERFUL. We have them all over the house.

Baby Apps: Baby apps are so helpful those first few months because your pediatrician will ask you how often and how much she eats, how many diapers she fills, how often she poops, etc. If you are like me and you can't remember what you did a day ago, let alone what someone else is doing, these are so helpful. I got the Baby Log on my Ipad and recorded all this info and more for about two months. Now I don't use it very often but for $5, the app was worth it.

Diaper Champ: We got this for about $20 at a garage sale and I'm so glad we did. This thing keeps the smells in check and it uses plain, everyday garbage bags. No expensive refills. Here is one on Amazon.

WD40: Spray all the hinges within ear shot of your baby's room. I can't believe how loud a squeaky door sounded once we got a sleeping baby in the house.

Baby Monitors: I wasn't going to get one of these, and then decided to just get a monitor with sound from Craigslist. My mother in law generously purchased a video monitor for us instead. I'm so glad we have it!! I think this is the model we have. It's expensive but worth it because you can see your kid at night through infrared, although your baby looks like a demon when her eyes are open. If you have health issues like me, running up and down the stairs and trying to sneak into her room when you hear a sound would just suck. This saves me some energy. The only problem is that the battery on the hand held monitor runs out after a couple hours. So you need the charger handy. Also, because our camera is wall mounted, it goes off from external sounds like high winds and storms, loud car engines, etc.

Cleaning Supplies: We keep some diluted bleach and paper towels in her room because this kid can projectile poop. And you really need to disinfect that biohazard! Plus when a dirty diaper smears on the diaper pail, it's easy to clean up with all this right there in her room.

Rectal Thermometers: Sounds horrible for you and your baby but it really is the best way to get an accurate temp when they are infants. I'm so glad we had one otherwise we wouldn't have known she was as sick as she was in January.

Swaddlers: The swaddlers with velcro are awesome when they are little. It really calms Elsa down and helps her sleep. Of course, now she's too strong to stay swaddled!

Mobiles: This mobile has saved us numerous times. It's got a projector on it and you can project onto a little canopy that rotates with some animal figures. Elsa LOVES it. When she's kind of tired but fighting her nap, I turn it on and leave her in the room. She talks to it and watches it until she falls asleep. We got this one at Walmart. Plus it comes with a remote control so you can restart it from the doorway. It has music, a heart beat sound and nature sounds.

Mesh Crib Bumper: The AAP now says not to use any bumpers in cribs but I still use the mesh bumper. It wasn't in place properly one day and Elsa managed to wiggle with her swaddle and get her legs stuck in the crib slats.

That is all I can think of so far. Speaking of the little zombie baby, I can see her wiggling and fussing on the baby monitor. Time to eat! Tschus.

Time flies

It's 28 years today since my mom passed away. I'm doing better than I thought I would. I talked to some family and friends and played with Elsa. It helped that the sun was shining and birds are singing everywhere. I also did a lot of moving things around the house to make room for some family pictures. Now my mom's photograph is in Elsa's room, so Elsa can see her every day. That made me feel really good.

I thought I'd share some photos of her room now that things are moved around a bit. It's such a cozy room now. I just love it.

Here is a photo taken last week by a professional photographer who came to our home. I love this picture so much. She's so cute!!

Here's part of her changing table, complete with two-headed doll and skulls burp cloth.

Old microwave stand which now has the wipes warmer, toys, books, and supplies tucked away.

My mom watching over us.

The bassinet now holds stuffed puppies and kitties.

We do a lot of rocking here.

Some old doilies my mom either made or inherited.

The baby book I'm working on.

We tried to get her hand and foot print. The foot was much easier but she was not so cooperative with the hand.

I like this humidifier because it looks like smoke coming out its ears.

Relaxing in her room on her cute, lil' blanket!

And we took a quick video to share with family and friends. That's about it! It's nice to say that I got through today and that things are good. :)



Tschus!