Plant Impatience

I'm plant impatient. Through the generous help of my husband, father and neighbor, I was able to get my flower beds going this year. I tried to choose a lot of perennials to save money over the long run. All the plants are so little! I can't wait for them to fill out and have more blooms. I can already see the front yard needs more water and the back yard...the dogs and I are still battling for supremacy over the plants.

I didn't pick last year's onions so they grew back. I gave up a bit on doing vegetables this year and only put in one tomato plant. The rest is herbs: thyme, rosemary, basil and oregano.

What a mess this is. Last year the crab grass took over and the dirt was hard as cement. My husband dug it all up again for me and we planted a peony root, five coneflower roots, sage and lavender. If the roots don't come up I will try putting in established plants one more time before I mulch. If those die off, I'm saying hell with it, covering the area in mulch and making it look more like a tiny park. I'll put various sizes and shapes of potted plants there instead of trying to put more plants in the unforgiving soil. I would also like to try attaching a lattice to the fence behind it and seeing what I can get to grow up the fence.

The front yard is starting to come along. I hope the summer sun is kinder to us this year because last year it was way too hot. Here is what I have done so far.

Last year's lavender is really growing! And a zinnia to keep it company.

This is part of the bed on the side of the garage. Coneflowers and a peony have started growing. I have another lavender started, more zinnias and a few petunias.

This was a real eyesore but it looks 100 times better already. I'm worried that the next big rain storm will wash it downhill. I'm hoping that the plants will establish well and prevent too much erosion. I have lavender, dianthas and coral bells.

Roses are going crazy. Not sure what the other bush is called but it doesn't have much going for it. I need to get them trimmed up more.

This is a beautiful bloom on the tree in our front yard. I have no idea what it is, do any of you??

Welcome! This solar doggy doesn't work. Kind of a POS but I will keep him around anyway. That's all for now. Hurry up and grow already!! G'night.

Baby steps

No, not Elsa steps. Baby steps of the Dave Ramsey financial plan! We've hit the first one (saving for the small emergency fund) and just paid off two debts. So we are on baby step #2: the debt snowball. If you don't know what this is, it's pretty easy. You list all your debts, except mortgage, from smallest to largest. It doesn't matter what the interest rates are. Once you pay off the first debt, you take the minimum payments and add it to the next minimum payment for the next debt. So if debt #1 was $150 with a minimum payment of $25, but you paid it off, the $25 is now free to add to the next debt. So if debt #2 was $300 with a minimum of $25, you now have $50 to pay on it instead of the $25. And you just keep rolling those minimums to the next debt after you pay off the top of your list. Now that we paid off the first two debts, we have $89/month to pay on the third debt instead of the $25 minimum required before. Sounds simple, right?

The hardest part of the plan is creating your budget, sticking to it and paying cash for everything. You cut up all your credit cards, but you keep your debit card. So if we get paid at the beginning of the month and have budgeted $500 for groceries (which for us includes toiletries, diapers, formula, food, etc.) then I take out around $250 in cash per pay period and keep it in an envelope. When I go to pay for my purchases, the money comes from that envelope. When it's gone, it's gone. Same with restaurant money. We have an envelope for dining out and we pay cash for those meals. If we only have $1.50 left in it, then that's it until the next month. On your budget form, you record every penny that comes in and every one that goes out. When you see the cash leaving your hands, you are less likely to want to spend it. The emergency fund set up during the first step is to pay for things like a dead car battery, small home repairs, or other small emergencies that normally you would throw onto a credit card. Then once you snowball your debts down to zero, you save up three to six months of your salary in case you face a major emergency, like a layoff. That one will be super hard to do.

It's not a quick fix and just like when you try to lose weight, you have to really commit to changing your lifestyle instead of going on a fad diet. Treat the problems, not the symptoms. If we want to replace all the windows in the house, we save up for it. No more financing. It is definitely hard only because it's hard to change your behavior and the culture of debt dependence. I'm only half way through the book and I already notice how marketing for credit cards and cars target young people into thinking that it's normal and expected that they have cards and car loans to keep up with the Joneses. Crazy life.

So I mentioned my new couponing shit, right? Today I scored some damn good deals and I was excited to see how much I saved. And yes, I do have a small stockpile in my basement, but that's partly because our "pantry" is just a tiny closet. The kitchen has very little storage space.

I received credit for bringing in reusable bags, shopped the sales with the store rewards card and also brought in a bunch of coupons. This was my biggest savings in a single purchase.

My little stockpile. We also have extra paper towels and toilet paper in the basement.

I'm freakin' EXHAUSTED on top of tired on top of an approaching comatose state. After two hours of shopping and then preparing meals, taking care of the wee one and lovin' on the pups, I'm ready to call it a day. Hope you all have a good one. Tschus.

Green is good!!

Thank you all for the comments on my latest posts. Your support and comments help push me forward on this journey and keep me blogging.

I received a survey to fill out for an acquaintance for her blog about domestic life. One of the questions is "what are you known for?" Holy hell I had no idea that would be so hard to answer. Since I function with tunnel vision about 80% of the time, I don't know what to say. What am I known for? Let's see. I am a mom to a kick ass little baby. I also advocate and volunteer for a couple charities. Bruce Campbell is my hero and I'm a crazy, obsessed fan. I love to cook and bake, when I have time. I love to express my angst and frustrations through embroidery, but I am not very good at it yet. Also I love working on my herb and flower garden. But what am I really known for? So dear readers, please please please tell me what you think of when you think of me.

I've worked into our budget an organic delivery service twice a month. The company is called Door To Door Organics and you can choose the size of your box, the types of foods you want included and you can also purchase organic breads, meats, eggs and cheeses. They even have gluten-free bread if that is part of your diet. Their website is awesome because, not only do they list the contents of your next delivery and allow substitutions, but they have several recipe suggestions based on your box's contents. The recipes sound delicious and they each have gorgeous photos but they don't always include what pan size you need. I've bookmarked and planned a few using their suggestions and look forward to trying them out.

My hope is to eventually switch to organic meats as well. Right now it's just too expensive but I think if I can find some vegetarian recipes that we both love, we can get down to eating meat only a few times a week. Does anyone else here eat organic? How organic are you; do you eat organic pastas and other boxed foods? Do you find the cost is worth it? In the summer, I think it's so much easier to do this because you have the farmers' markets everywhere. In the winter, where I live, fresh produce is harder to come by. And I think Whole Foods is a yuppie money suck to be honest. We DO have Trader Joe's in the area but it's a bit of a drive for me.

So our ultimate goal is to pay off our debt in a few years and buy a small acreage in the country. I'd love to have a horse or two and a big garden. I want my kids to grow up experiencing the agrarian lifestyle and to be able to grow some of our own food. Although I grew up in the city, I spent a lot of time on my families's various farms. I've run through fields being chased by a bull, roped a goat, sampled milk fresh off the cow (it was gross), chased chickens back into their pen and many other things. I'd be happier than...well, a pig in shit I guess!

I better quit here and get to cooking. I leave you with a picture of Elsa from today. Just an aside, Elsa is totally organic.

Tschus.

In case of emergency, break glass

All of the health woes I feared would return after the baby arrived have returned. The endo isn't intolerable, but the pain during each period is rough. The arthritis is still a work in progress to get under control. Just a word to the wise: If you start Enbrel, don't even try to inject it in your leg. Just do the stomach, it's so much easier and little pain. The injection in the thigh was like putting liquid fire into my muscle. I've never had a shot hurt that bad. After talking to the Enbrel nurses and reading online, I tried out the following tip: let the Sure Shot warm up to room temperature for 30 minutes, let the alcohol swab dry completely before you stick yourself and inject in the stomach, keeping away from the belly button by two inches. To anyone out there holding back on having kids because of your health, just go for it. Yes, it's hard. It's very hard. The little buggers need attention all the time and you have to use your energy to entertain them, feed them, rock them, soothe them, change them, you get the idea. But it's worth it. You will never regret having them.

Seeing that I do not need jaw surgery at this time, I decided to go with the cortisteroid injections. Holy hell that hurt like a sonnofabitch. You need to have a scan done at the time of the injection so they can locate the exact spot of your TMJ. It's kind of cool to see your skull on the television, opening and closing its mouth. I don't talk much about my spiritual beliefs, mostly because I hear so many people around me bitching about and making fun of Christians. As if all of us Christians are like the fanatical evangelicals. I think that's very narrow minded and disrespectful but hey, your opinion is your own. I decided to give up all the pain and worry about my health to God. I can only control so much and I can't afford to freak out every single time I have to undergo a painful procedure. Because there will undoubtedly be many more. Having that internal talk with God really helped me get through yesterday. The following picture shows a little bruising, redness and swelling. Thankfully my right eye is no longer all wonky. I looked like a stroke victim yesterday.

This summer I had a big trip planned and I've had to cancel it for various reasons. One had to do with our finances. I just didn't have the money to change the dates. It would have cost more than the ticket was worth! So if you go through Hotwire, just know that to change plans is next to impossible unless you have a butt load of cash at your disposal. So I had to make some hard decisions and after a sobering evaluation of our finances, I realized not only was the trip out of the question, I realized we needed a financial diet. Therefore I signed us up for Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. We are only on the first month but I have to say this has already changed our lives. The guy is no nonsense and says it like it is. It is amazing to see exactly every single penny that comes in and goes out. We needed the structure, but some people don't. Some people don't have debt so this is not a tool they need. But most people have at least some debt and we fit into that category. Plus, going down to one income has been really hard, especially after the baby arrived. Formula and diapers don't come cheap.

We are moving onto the cash-only system. I am clipping coupons like a mad woman. On my last two purchases, I saved over $30 by using coupons and shopping the sales. I got a pair of awesome Skecher shoes to replace my worn out tennis shoes for %15 off plus free shipping. This weekend we are having a garage sale during the ginormous, city-wide garage sale craziness and I hope we make some money to put into our baby emergency fund. Once we get that fund established, we start the debt snow ball part of the program. I am so excited to pay off this debt and start building wealth and peace of mind. Having this control is very empowering and it has helped lessen the blow somewhat of the cancelled trip.

The money diet is trickling down into other areas of our lives too. Because I have to track every dollar for our grocery bill, I'm evaluating our diet a lot more. I hope to make another garden box to plant more vegetables, and if I can finally get a good harvest this year, I can learn to can what's left over. We use a lot of canned diced and stewed tomatoes and I hate buying anything out of can because of the BPA lining. I also want to make the baby's food myself so I am paying more attention to organics. So far she's a good eater so I'm lucky on that front. I hope that we lose some weight during our financial diet since we won't be eating out as much! Also we are getting rid of all the extra shit in the house. We are planning and budgeting for things like dental care and treatments for the pups. And home improvements have to thought out well in advance, if possible.

I realize I'm probably boring the shit out of anyone reading this but I'm just excited to do this, as hard as it will be. And speaking of, I need to get working on the garage sale shit for tomorrow. It's gonna be a long, hot day! I leave you with a photo of my work in progress for my next art therapy piece. Lots left to do on it!

Isolation

First, some wonderful news. No surgery! Two experts strongly disagree with the diagnosis of severe joint damage. Therefore I will go forward with muscle and joint injections to relieve the pain and possibly a splint to wear at night. I'm very grateful I do not have to undergo such an invasive and risky surgery.

So overall life is good. I am working every day to control pain and take care of the baby. Unfortunately I get tunnel vision easily when it's "just do what I need to do in order to get through the day." The days easily blur together and I forget to notice what's going on around me. I've noticed lately that I've hardly talked to a soul other than my husband and doctors. Where did my social life go? It's not that I had a very active social life but I did talk to people in the neighborhood and occasionally hop on the phone to chat with people. My husband travels a lot and I now go long stretches without seeing or talking to anyone unless I have a medical appointment. It creeps up on me and before long I am overcome with intense feelings of isolation and disconnection from others.

Before the baby, I was able to maintain my focus long enough to work on stitching, taking pictures or watching a movie. Now it's very hard for me to do any of this. At the store today I had to look at my list over six times to remember the two things I needed to buy. That is extremely frustrating to me because I haven't always been like this. It's hard to adjust to a new reality when you lived your life with intelligence, drive, energy, talent.

I feel like any time I express an honest emotion in response to "how are you?" it makes people very uncomfortable. It's hard to see the pity in their eyes or the abrupt change of subject. On the other hand, pretending everything is ok (as I like to call it, life is all sunshine, rainbows and unicorns!) feels like I'm being fake. People may see me as thinking negative about things. Sometimes I am guilty of seeing the worst in my situations. However, no one knows what it's like to have someone cut you off in mid-sentence to say something like "but you ARE ok, look at all the x, y, z in your life! Concentrate on that!" When someone does this to you, you shut down. You realize that you can't confide in this person, that you can't express an honest emotion because it makes him/her uncomfortable, therefore you quit trying. Since you can't be this happy go-lucky person that you think everyone wants you to be, and because you are clearly bumming people out, you quit talking to just about everyone in your life. Granted, no one wants to talk to someone who is a perpetual Eeyore, always complaining and never trying to better his/her life.

This article really nails it on the head:

"Traditionally, the experience of serious illness has been approached in two ways: (1) a gloomy perspective of resignation, self-denial, and helplessness, or (2) a Pollyanna approach that denies altogether that there has been a real trauma. Both of these perspectives distort and disguise the reality of chronic illness.

The first perspective views the chronically ill person as a failure. This is the patient who does not respond to the "miracle" of modern medicine, and somehow the lack of recovery is often perceived as the patient's fault. This attitude of blame accounts for some of the worst psychological abuses of patients by health practitioners and caretakers, an attitude typified by the too-frequently heard statement, "Stop complaining. You simply must adjust." Unfortunately, the sick person may also adopt this punishing attitude toward himself or herself...All the anger and blame inherent in this attitude is misdirected: the patient rather than the disease becomes the target...Sometimes, it is useful in social situations to present yourself as a Pollyanna. When meeting new people and situations, it may be an advantage for you to let others think you have mastered your disease. The anxiety of other people is reduced by not having to confront illness. The danger is that this Pollyanna image may create a barrier between you and the people who can offer real help.

The resignation viewpoint holds little hope; the Pollyanna viewpoint holds little reality."

This article is so interesting to me and I wonder if part of why I'm stuck in this cycle of isolation and sadness is because I've never found a truly understanding and supportive network. My husband has been wonderful and a few friends are really good people. But they don't understand things from my perspective. And my family is another story. Recently I saw my father and he asked me if the doctors ever really figured out what is wrong with me. I was stunned by his question. I was diagnosed THREE years ago. I shared with my family THREE years ago my new reality. However no one in my immediate family has ever talked to me about it. I feel like they all view me as a hypochondriac. Indeed, I myself thought I must be crazy and it was all in my head, although blood tests continued to prove otherwise. (My brother is also suffering from very real and serious health issues. However the reality of his condition is always glossed over in conversations between he and I. I know part of it is that he doesn't want to talk about it or worry me.) Perhaps it's the mindset of "if we don't talk about it, it's not really happening."

I think the more you try to act normal, the worse you feel. But this article is resonating with me and gives me hope. Just to know that others have experienced all these emotions I feel is empowering. And it makes me think that I need to connect more with my brother. He is the only one capable of understanding my point of view and I feel like we should lean on each other more. Time goes by so quickly and before we know it, we won't have much time left together.

I really do not expect anyone to read this which is ok. It's long and a bit discombobulated. However it was an eye opener for me and I wanted to share it, in the small chance that someone else out there can relate or needs help. Have a good night.

Yeesh

On the bright side, shots in the back muscles aren't bad at all! Minor, minor pain.

But here are two images of jaws. Take a look at the TM joint and guess which one is mine and which one is off the 'net.

The surgical consultation should be interesting.

Jabber Jaw

It's been over a month since my last post. I've certainly been busy with house stuff, visitors and of course, the ever growing, increasingly mobile baby. She has learned to flip onto her stomach and is not that great at rolling back onto her back. So she gets stuck on her stomach and screams. It's quite tempting to strap her down at nap time and bed time, but I think there are laws against that. The swaddle worked until she figured out how to flip onto her stomach IN THE SWADDLE. Mein Gott, this kid is stubborn and squirmy!

After a whole day (and some times all nights if I'm home alone for a stretch) I find that I have nothing to give outside of caring for the baby. I don't have a lot of energy for much else and that sucks since my dogs are giving me evil looks for not taking them on walks. I would like to try to work up to walking them again for their health and my own. We are all on a diet (save the baby) since we all got a bit pudgy over the winter.

Patton has knee problems (luxating patella) and our vet said surgery would fix it but that is expensive. So he needs to lose a bit of weight and take joint supplements to help keep arthritis at bay. Having reminders that my fur baby is mortal and getting up there in age hurts my heart. I want him here with us forever, as I do all my pets/babies. Horace consulted with a vet on his hips and unfortunately is not a candidate for stem cell therapy. However there are some shots he could take, acupuncture and supplements which may help him. It's weird having to help my dogs with similar problems as my own. I guess I feel their pain, almost literally.

Speaking of, my health shit hasn't abated at all since the baby arrived. It is very hard to deal with it all on top of caring for a demanding little human. Difficult, but not impossible. (I just had to take a break to let my fingers rest from typing.) The latest on my journey through it all has been challenging. First, my biologic medicine isn't working as it had been pre-pregnancy. Apparently post-pregnancy, a woman's body can change the way it responds to medications. I'm anxiously awaiting insurance to approve a switch to a medication injected once a week. Also, the steroids I so wish to stop taking have made me cranky and hungry; an eating machine derailing my goals to drop a few pounds. Yeesh. They want me on it at least until my flares are under control, then I can start weaning. Third, the pain in my jaw and face has been constant for over a year. I was unwilling to get xrays during the pregnancy but finally did at my subsequent cleaning in March. The dentist stated, in his opinion, my jaw is showing significant damage in the joint. He recommends surgery and gave me the number of someone to consult with in Missouri. I made myself an appointment with a dental pain doctor who specializes in facial injections. (Apparently the jaw joint - TM - is so intricate, it is nothing like a regular joint and harder to treat with trigger point injections.) I am hoping, between the both of them, that surgery is the last resort and I can try a myriad of things first. I've read that jaw surgery should be the absolute last resort because so many things can go wrong. If they tell me to have surgery, it must mean the damage is pretty severe. I already avoid things like chewing gum, eating popcorn and other hard foods, and giving blow jobs to 50 guys a day as a source of income. Ha! Just seeing if you are still reading this. :) So lately my life has been baby care, calling doctors, harassing receptionists into providing my records, making appointments and making arrangements for EK while I attend all these appointments, trying to hurry up the insurance process for the new medication, and being very crabby.

All of this gets so old. But I must carry on, as well all do when facing life's challenges. Excuse me, I need to end this post. The squirmy baby is awake and hungry!

Tschus