Is this thing on?

I figure not many, if anyone, is reading this therefore it's a good place to vomit news I want to share, but don't really want people to know about. It's just when you have that feeling and things are ready to burst from inside, like an Alien baby hatching from your chest, you just want to share it! But you aren't ready to really let everyone know and answer questions, etc.

Right now we're about to fill out paperwork rather than do IVF. I hope you get my inference there. I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm anxious, scared, happy and any other imaginable feelings with adjectives. I don't want to put out any more than that. Because, in my paranoid mind, I will jinx it. If I get too excited about ANYTHING before it's a done deal, it goes to shit. So I best not tell too many people, I best not celebrate yet, I best not think this is a for-sure thing. But I can hope, right?

Maybe I can again...

It has been a long time since I touched this blog. Every time I considered writing, a piece of my brain would shut down. Am I ready to talk about mundane crap again? Or how about the introspective ramblings of which I'm prone. Maybe I can again, write a little. Maybe it will be good for me.

So since June of last year much has happened. In August of last year we plucked up our roots and transplanted ourselves from Kansas to Colorado. While I terribly miss my friends, I have not once regretted moving here. We experienced our first fall in the foothills of the mountains, our first snowy, snowy winter and now we are finally experiencing the beauty of spring. It is beyond gorgeous here. Our home sits on a little over one acre of land, of which is made up of a large meadow with Aspen, Fir and Pine trees. A little creek runs through the edge of the property on one side. We see deer everyday and are treated to herds of elk who graze and rest in the meadow on their way up and down the elevations. I've seen a couple foxes, one with mange, and several new kinds of birds.

Our daughter seems to love this new life. I try very hard not to be sad about the baby but it comes out sometimes. Mostly though she is just a normal kiddo. Curious, sassy, pushing her limits daily with that strong will she has. But she is growing so fast I can hardly keep up with her clothes and shoes. Her feet are huge, like mine. She will be tall.

The pups are good. Although Zelda had to be rehomed to a very loving home, she is still in my thoughts. We adopted a new pup, Gus, from Kansas City and had him driven all the way out here. He's become my shadow. Pit bulls are the most loving dogs I've ever had. He's cuddly, energetic but lazy at the same time. I just love him and everyone gets along well.

I think that's enough for now. To have just put down these few words is a lot. Maybe I can slowly heal if I just open the tap in my head a little. We will see.

Until the next time, tschus.

Almost a year

It's been almost a year now since Sebastian died. I hoped we'd be pregnant again by now, and maybe the pain would not be so intense for the first anniversary. But that's just not happening. I don't know why my body isn't working but that's life. All I know is that I miss him, I miss the life we should have had with him and I'm still trying to live life fully, to honor him. It really does feel like a hole in your heart that never heals.

To sum up what it feels like, I am posting a very personal, awful photo. This picture really represents what every day feels like inside me. The nurse took this picture for Mimi to have of her with SJ. She was kind of baby talking with him and I fell apart. My daughter was in the room at this time and had no clue what was going on. Everyone left right after this because I was so upset.

I'm not sure what else to say but just getting this out of my brain and onto a blog will hopefully lessen some of the intensity of my grief. I can always hope, right?

Tschus.

I'm a work in progress

I cannot tell you how many times I've started and stopped a blog post. My insular existence really didn't hit me until I looked through my computer for digital pictures. They almost completely end around December 2013. There were some in July and October but really, I have so little. I quit blogging and quit taking pictures of all of us, especially myself. My last pregnancy was bad the whole way through and it ended so terribly. I haven't been talking to anyone, especially since my mother-in-law died. She was one of my closest friends.

So here I am! I thankfully have been doing some creative things, mainly stitching related. You can see more of that at www.nodakbex.wix.com/DemonMonkeyCraft . I completely re-branded the name and feel of what I do to more adequately reflect the majority themes of my work. I hope you will stop by there and take a peek.

Depression is a cruel thing. Due to eating as a way of coping, and some medications, I'm a good 25 pounds overweight. So I quit taking pics of myself and quit leaving the house. For real, I rarely go out. It's pretty pathetic. So once again, I am hoping to turn the blog into a method of venting so I quit eating. Maybe I can lose some damn weight finally!

But the best news? We're moving. From Kansas to Colorado. I hope the great outdoors will reinvigorate my spirit and my health. I look forward to many nature walks with the kiddo and pups. And some good winter snow! Snowmen, snow forts, snow shoes, hot tubbin' in the cold weather! I look forward to it all!

So that's my grand update for now. I am hanging in there and keeping myself busy with house stuff. Going to list this sucker in a little over a week. Yikes!!

Undone

No more babies. Other than my daughter, my life seems to be shit.

For mom

Until I met you, I did not believe in angels, Fictional seraphs who carry out God's good works. Invisible celestial beings, what nonsense! Proof, I thought, was in all the pain and sorrows I'd seen.

But over time, I began to open my eyes, To the little miracles around me, warming my icy nature. Your incredibly fiery spirit, like a brilliant beam of light in the fog, Leading us from our troubles and sadness to safe harbors. No one could be with you and not feel important, loved and worthy of glorious things; You imbued even the darkest of souls with your radiant spirit.

You were a living angel to us all, Joining us along life's path with your tears, laughter and thoughts, And giving us strength to weather sorrowful storms. And though your body could carry you no longer, Your light still beams brightly throughout the Earth, Reflected in the souls of all who knew you. Transcended from your Earthly form, You are now lifted by God as a true, heavenly angel.

Happy Fucksgiving

Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful this Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for my loving, amazing, hilarious husband, my beautiful miracle daughter, four sweet, fluffy dogs and a supportive network of family and friends. For them I am eternally grateful. I feel so lucky to have them on my side, ever loving, ever ready to help me, and so reliable.

So wtf Bex? Your life is awesome, wtf do you have to upset you? Well, my inner critic, I still want my son.

As I sit here on my first post-loss Thanksgiving, I think to myself all the things in my life which are amazing. I feel such joy and appreciation for these things. It is odd to experiencing so much grief simultaneously. I laugh watching my toddler wreaking havoc upon our house, her laughter and sparkling eyes. But I cannot stop thinking of my son's little body, so cold, in my arms.

As a woman, as a wife, as a mother, how does one go through her grief and still be spirited and enthusiastic to her child and to be lustful and attentive as a wife? It is not easy. I can tell you what every mother of an angel baby will say is true: you never stop thinking about your lost child. I wake up thinking of him and go to sleep with him in my thoughts. I dream of him. I long for him. I remember how he felt in my arms, how soft his skin was and how light he was in mass. I remember kissing him and touching his face over and over to try and imprint it all in my mind because soon he would be taken from me.

Every month I go without another pregnancy, I feel worse. I feel so empty. All the while I am celebrating my amazing daughter. She is so smart, so strong and shows so many traits of her father and I. We laugh every day over something she says or does. It's the best feeling in the world. I could not feel so "ok" with things if not for her. I love looking at photos of her from the last three years because it reminds of me all those magical feelings we had after she was born.

You can't know how it feels unless you've been there. Some days it hurts so much that I want to take a knife to my skin. Not to end my life, but to cause a little pain, just enough to hurt but not to bleed. The pain is that much. He was there and three days later he was gone. A pregnancy rife with personal conflict, hurt emotions and medical issues. Three days. And to think, "if they had taken him early, he'd still be there, " just fucks it up all the more. The fact is, even if they had taken him a week before this happened, when I noticed his movement lessening, he'd still be dead. The damage was done, his destiny foretold weeks or months before. I used to think everything happens for a reason but for the life of me I cannot understand how his death was meant to be. Why? On a day of thanksgiving I find myself struggling not to crumple into a heap of tears.