Monday, March 21, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Invisible illnesses vs crazy
Well on top of the animal health and behavior issues, I have my own stuff going on. The Cold Virus From Hell is still taking its toll on me, making my sinuses feel like some mafia fuck filled them with cement before dumping me into a river. I managed to finally give it to Mr. Bex who is now unhappily resting in bed. How he managed to fight it off for over a week is amazing. I was probably passed it when I was hanging out in the pain clinic on a Tuesday and by Friday I was full blown sick.
I did manage to get scheduled for a sleep study which will occur soon. I'll get to hang out in my pajamas for about 20 hours. Electrodes + strangers + pajamas = uncomfortable weekend. I'm really interested in what my brain waves will show while I'm trying to sleep and nap. However there is that part of me that is afraid that once again, the tests will show nothing, or maybe just show a slight problem. Nothing definitive. So I'll be back in that grey area between figuring out what is causing my debilitating fatigue and bat-shit crazy.
I am not sure how many times I have wondered if this is all in my head and if I'm just a fucking hypochondriac. I am sure my family and acquaintances have thought as much. I attended my first board meeting for a local heritage group this week. This is the first time I've seen some of my professional contacts since I quit working. It was awkward to try to explain why I wasn't working as an archivist anymore. Of course I heard, "but you look so healthy!" I know I do. I know I look fine. I am glad that I look better than I feel because who wants to look like shit all the time? But on the flip side, I wish people could see the mental and physical pain I feel just once in a while. Not so they feel sorry for me but so they understand a little more. I don't want pity. Just try to know where I'm coming from and understand why I am not where you think I should be in life.
I also heard from my RA doctor who said in no way was the new medication causing me weight gain. But I was free to go off of it and see what happened. Well after having noticeable swelling in my legs for a day or so, I dropped about 4 lbs of water weight in the past week. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. I keep meaning to call back and see if they can try me out on the sulphur drugs but my short term memory is shot. I keep forgetting. Something else odd has happened since I started and then quit the drug. My period was extremely light. I still had pain but nothing like before and no clotting. Wtf. Was it from the drug? Should I stay on it? Lighter periods but gaining a significant amount of water weight in a short period of time. Hmmm. Thank you universe for fucking with me further. I guess I'll see what happens next month. Maybe I'll be back to the same old, same old.
So right now I'm about to hit the hay. I have pain radiating from my ankles down into my toes. Earlier today I had abdominal pain, near my bladder, that had me walking hunched over as if someone was constantly punching me in the gut. I can hardly catch my breath from the congestion and our take-out supper caused me a time-out on the john with horrible intestinal cramps. I did manage a half-ass nap but it was strange. It felt like a huge weight was pushing me into the mattress because I was so exhausted yet I was on the brink of wakefulness the whole time. When I don't type this stuff out, it just seems like another normal day has passed. This is about how it is every day. Wow.
Yikes. Hopefully this next week will see an end to the Cold Virus From Hell so that at least I can get back to my daily walks. I'm also doing a little soul searching and am wondering if I shouldn't remove myself from another situation that is no longer satisfying and/or a positive.
Stay well everyone...tschus.
Update: the animals
The last week has been non-stop stitching and cleaning (more so stitching.) I was so happy to get all levels of the house vacuumed and half the house dusted. I also got the back yard scooped, which was a huge relief. Dogs are, if nothing else, very regular creatures.
On Friday morning I drove Samus the rat to the vet. Overnight she developed a huge lump in her belly area. The vet said it's probably a benign tumor and it needs to come out. These things can grow to be half the size of the animal and it could kill her by its sheer size. Poor Sammie. I took Ashley, her sister, with for the ride. While the vet examined Samus, Ashley tried to climb onto the vet to see what was happening. I know people think rodents are disgusting but rats are very social, inquisitive and pack animals. They cuddle together, groom each other and try to kick a vet's ass during an exam. So, in trying to work out how to budget this, I scheduled her surgery for two weeks. Hopefully we'll be able to squeeze that in among licensing the vehicles and paying taxes.
Fuck.
Also on Friday we picked up our former foster dog. Horr'y is back! So far he's hiding out in the kennel most of the time. There have been some warning growls and a general attitude of distrust but nothing major. I don't know what kind of "training" program he was supposed to be enrolled in but it didn't work. He won't come when called and doesn't seem as socialized as he was before. So we have some work to do. The other dogs are curious about him but not terribly so. Tobin likes to follow him around the yard, peeing on anything Horr'y even looks at.
I'll do some health updates in the next post. Tschus.
On Friday morning I drove Samus the rat to the vet. Overnight she developed a huge lump in her belly area. The vet said it's probably a benign tumor and it needs to come out. These things can grow to be half the size of the animal and it could kill her by its sheer size. Poor Sammie. I took Ashley, her sister, with for the ride. While the vet examined Samus, Ashley tried to climb onto the vet to see what was happening. I know people think rodents are disgusting but rats are very social, inquisitive and pack animals. They cuddle together, groom each other and try to kick a vet's ass during an exam. So, in trying to work out how to budget this, I scheduled her surgery for two weeks. Hopefully we'll be able to squeeze that in among licensing the vehicles and paying taxes.
Fuck.
Also on Friday we picked up our former foster dog. Horr'y is back! So far he's hiding out in the kennel most of the time. There have been some warning growls and a general attitude of distrust but nothing major. I don't know what kind of "training" program he was supposed to be enrolled in but it didn't work. He won't come when called and doesn't seem as socialized as he was before. So we have some work to do. The other dogs are curious about him but not terribly so. Tobin likes to follow him around the yard, peeing on anything Horr'y even looks at.
I'll do some health updates in the next post. Tschus.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Sleepless nights
It's been a hard time for all occupants in this house to catch a good night's sleep lately. Friday night after painting for two hours, I realized that my sore throat wasn't allergies. By Saturday I was a full blown HOT MESS. I would rather have bronchitis again because at least you can get antibiotics for that. However, there isn't much you can do for a cold.
On top of this snot fest, my RA and Fibro flared up. It feels like I've been body slammed a few times by an infamous professional wrestler, such as Jake the Snake or Jimmy "Super Fly" Snuka. (I admit it: When I was a kid, I watched wrestling twice a week for like two years. Yeah.)
Nyquil works on me for about one night. After that, I seem able to succumb to its nasal-clearing coma for only a few hours. After being awoken by uncomfortable and unattractive mouth breathing, I decided to hit the decongestant spray hard and take to the couch. Amazingly, none of my dogs got up.
My sleep deprived spouse asked me to shut the door on my way out in case I wanted to turn on the tv. About an hour later I had finally fallen back asleep with a tissue tampon shoved up one nostril. And then Sadie demanded to be let out of the bedroom, waking up my spouse again. I swear, this dog won't get up to get a drink of water all night when the door is open. But close it for one hour and all the sudden she is dying of thirst. So now all the dogs are up and wondering why I'm on the couch. Thinking they only wanted water, spouse goes back to bed.
Then Sadie starts stomping and panting around the living room. Stomp, stomp, pant, pant, stomp. I heard her plop down and prayed she would go to sleep. Since I wasn't getting up, she worked a little harder by stomping on the bit of linoleum next to the front door. STOMP CLICK CLICK STOMP PANT CLICK PANT STOMP CLICK. Jeezus just strike me dead!!
After a bathroom break, there was paw licking, intense staring into my face, some more panting...Good times. After Mr. Bex left for work, I was able to get a nice nap until I heard the rats in the next room gnawing on the bars of their cage because they hadn't been fed yet.
It's a miracle that everyone is still alive right now.
Here's to hoping tonight is dull, quiet and unconscious. Tschus.
On top of this snot fest, my RA and Fibro flared up. It feels like I've been body slammed a few times by an infamous professional wrestler, such as Jake the Snake or Jimmy "Super Fly" Snuka. (I admit it: When I was a kid, I watched wrestling twice a week for like two years. Yeah.)
Nyquil works on me for about one night. After that, I seem able to succumb to its nasal-clearing coma for only a few hours. After being awoken by uncomfortable and unattractive mouth breathing, I decided to hit the decongestant spray hard and take to the couch. Amazingly, none of my dogs got up.
My sleep deprived spouse asked me to shut the door on my way out in case I wanted to turn on the tv. About an hour later I had finally fallen back asleep with a tissue tampon shoved up one nostril. And then Sadie demanded to be let out of the bedroom, waking up my spouse again. I swear, this dog won't get up to get a drink of water all night when the door is open. But close it for one hour and all the sudden she is dying of thirst. So now all the dogs are up and wondering why I'm on the couch. Thinking they only wanted water, spouse goes back to bed.
Then Sadie starts stomping and panting around the living room. Stomp, stomp, pant, pant, stomp. I heard her plop down and prayed she would go to sleep. Since I wasn't getting up, she worked a little harder by stomping on the bit of linoleum next to the front door. STOMP CLICK CLICK STOMP PANT CLICK PANT STOMP CLICK. Jeezus just strike me dead!!
After a bathroom break, there was paw licking, intense staring into my face, some more panting...Good times. After Mr. Bex left for work, I was able to get a nice nap until I heard the rats in the next room gnawing on the bars of their cage because they hadn't been fed yet.
It's a miracle that everyone is still alive right now.
Here's to hoping tonight is dull, quiet and unconscious. Tschus.
Monday, March 7, 2011
WTF@#!
Ok my weight: 170lbs. I have given in and now I will track every single morsel that is vacuumed into my body. My pants are tight and my personality is bitchy and depressed. I haven't been eating well, let's be honest. My idea of a portion size is filling up half my plate. To my credit, I have been active at least 5 days a week, even increasing the size of the weights I use during my circuit training.
It doesn't help that I started a medication in the last month that can make people gain weight quickly. Of course, I hadn't bothered to look that up in the beginning, nor did I make the connection to the weight gain during weeks when I ate well. I'll let my rheumatologist know, but if this drug helps (I'll know in another two months) I fee like a superficial person giving up a medicine that can help me just because it makes me gain weight. But then again, maybe a 6 lb gain in one month is bad and she will take me off it.
I'm also not happy that I have been unable to manage my sinus issues. I'm going to finally have the sinus surgery. I can't breathe anymore, the nasal sprays are very irritating to my head and they cost a pretty penny. Of course I have no idea how we are going to pay for another fucking surgery. We're still paying on the last one. My employer really fucked us over by switching insurance and HR companies in the middle of the year and I was unable to use my FSA that I had saved for it. Now we don't have an FSA at all, which really stinks.
I just want us to be able to get ahead which feels impossible when I keep accumulating medical bills. I'm lucky that I'm married to someone who is supportive and not resentful. But I feel terrible about it and it just helps to push the depression even deeper.
Sorry to be a never-ending source of MEH but I just need to put this down and then move on. I'm just going to voice my fears, anger and emo so I can move onto finding solutions to my problems. And I know we'll figure it out and things will be fine. But can I just say that this FUCKING SUCKS??? Whew. Ok, carry on.
Tschus.
It doesn't help that I started a medication in the last month that can make people gain weight quickly. Of course, I hadn't bothered to look that up in the beginning, nor did I make the connection to the weight gain during weeks when I ate well. I'll let my rheumatologist know, but if this drug helps (I'll know in another two months) I fee like a superficial person giving up a medicine that can help me just because it makes me gain weight. But then again, maybe a 6 lb gain in one month is bad and she will take me off it.
I'm also not happy that I have been unable to manage my sinus issues. I'm going to finally have the sinus surgery. I can't breathe anymore, the nasal sprays are very irritating to my head and they cost a pretty penny. Of course I have no idea how we are going to pay for another fucking surgery. We're still paying on the last one. My employer really fucked us over by switching insurance and HR companies in the middle of the year and I was unable to use my FSA that I had saved for it. Now we don't have an FSA at all, which really stinks.
I just want us to be able to get ahead which feels impossible when I keep accumulating medical bills. I'm lucky that I'm married to someone who is supportive and not resentful. But I feel terrible about it and it just helps to push the depression even deeper.
Sorry to be a never-ending source of MEH but I just need to put this down and then move on. I'm just going to voice my fears, anger and emo so I can move onto finding solutions to my problems. And I know we'll figure it out and things will be fine. But can I just say that this FUCKING SUCKS??? Whew. Ok, carry on.
Tschus.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Strength and Pain
Lois Ann, b. January 26, 1946, d. March 5, 1984
There isn't a lot to say that I haven't said before. I'm still trying to find a balance between holding onto memories of her and letting go of the pain. When you only have 7 years with someone so dear to you, you tend to hold onto every little memory you can. Even if those memories are extremely painful. Because much of my memories were retained from her sick years, it's a bit hard to think back on anything pleasant.
So here are some things I remember about her:
She took some photography lessons and one of my brothers and I were the test subjects for several shots. I forgot about that until I dug through some photos this morning. Guess I know where I got that from!
She sewed a lot and did a lot of needlework. I picked that up too.
She was very passionate about things and took everything personally. (This is what I've been told but that also would explain a lot of my behavior.)
She loved to talk to her friends on the phone. I picked up my dad's antisocial tendencies instead.
She was incredibly strong. She held on for four years after her diagnosis. I remember her shopping for wigs. I remember her prosthetic bras. I remember her explaining to me that she was going to die soon.
She really loved her family. She was an amazing mother and I always felt a lot of love from her.
I have a very hard time seeing her sisters because they all remind me so much of her. I remember all the aunts and uncles visiting our house and later only realizing they did so because they knew she would soon be gone.
Well, I think I'll just stop right there. I wrote far more then I had intended. Here are some photos I dug out today. Sorry if this is disjointed. Tschus.
There isn't a lot to say that I haven't said before. I'm still trying to find a balance between holding onto memories of her and letting go of the pain. When you only have 7 years with someone so dear to you, you tend to hold onto every little memory you can. Even if those memories are extremely painful. Because much of my memories were retained from her sick years, it's a bit hard to think back on anything pleasant.
So here are some things I remember about her:
She took some photography lessons and one of my brothers and I were the test subjects for several shots. I forgot about that until I dug through some photos this morning. Guess I know where I got that from!
She sewed a lot and did a lot of needlework. I picked that up too.
She was very passionate about things and took everything personally. (This is what I've been told but that also would explain a lot of my behavior.)
She loved to talk to her friends on the phone. I picked up my dad's antisocial tendencies instead.
She was incredibly strong. She held on for four years after her diagnosis. I remember her shopping for wigs. I remember her prosthetic bras. I remember her explaining to me that she was going to die soon.
She really loved her family. She was an amazing mother and I always felt a lot of love from her.
I have a very hard time seeing her sisters because they all remind me so much of her. I remember all the aunts and uncles visiting our house and later only realizing they did so because they knew she would soon be gone.
Well, I think I'll just stop right there. I wrote far more then I had intended. Here are some photos I dug out today. Sorry if this is disjointed. Tschus.
Mom, my sister and I. I was maybe 5?
I often found her lying down on the couch, too tired to move around but still wanting to interact with all of us.
Easter. Hey, it was bright outside.
When she wasn't resting, she was in the kitchen. Cooking, on the phone or just relaxing.
We went on this outdoor adventure to pick chokecherries. I was mad at my dad because he wouldn't let us stay over night.
I have no idea when this was taken. I like the plaid slacks and the poofy shirt.
The chokecherry trip, referenced above. It was resting time again. I think this was in May 1983.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Stitchy goodness
It's been a very busy time, stitch-wise. I've had some requests to do patterns that other artists sell. I've also done a few custom requests. I love doing the custom pieces a lot because they force me to be creative and figure out how to put someone's idea into a finished piece.
I was approached by the person who runs Evil Dead News to recreate the Home Sweet Home sampler hanging in the cabin from the movie Evil Dead 2. So after watching the movie again and some internet surfing, I was able to come up with a pretty good representation:
For something seemingly simple, it did take a while to stitch up. I can't wait to get another one made and hung up next to our front door!
I also had a request for someone's massage business. She incorporates a wrench into her logo (body repair) and wanted to combine the wrench with her dog, Hank, who is a Boston Terrier. This is what I came up with:
This request was for a penguin and a Fuck Cancer piece, that is actually a combination of patterns by Julie Jackson. I chose to do the Linux penguin and gently censored the Fuck Cancer piece on request.
I also re-stitched one of my more offensive pieces to swap with someone. I love this piece because it's so pretty and so funny. :)
I have patterns and pieces for the Evil Dead sampler and the Ass piece on my Etsy.
So I guess this is what I'm doing now full time. I spend anywhere from four to nine hours a day stitching and/or creating patterns. I finally emailed my family about my career change and sent them a link to my Etsy shop. My dad is the only one who said anything. He told me that he is really impressed with my stitching and said my mom would have been really proud of me. That's the best thing he could have ever said to me. I was worried that he would be disappointed in me but he's so supportive. My mom was pretty handy with a needle and she made me this before she died: (It's the big alphabet sampler.)
That's all I needed to hear to know that I'm on the right path. My dad is awesome and I love him a lot. I just hope he doesn't log back onto my Etsy now that I put up the Ass pattern. Heh.
That's what's up in my stitching world. Next up is an art piece for the Gay for Eagles show in North Carolina. My first art show. I need to get stitching!
Take care everyone...tschus.
PS
I just noticed that someone added the Evil Dead sampler to an Etsy treasury called The Farm House. I don't think they know my cute little cabin is from a horror movie. Heh.
I was approached by the person who runs Evil Dead News to recreate the Home Sweet Home sampler hanging in the cabin from the movie Evil Dead 2. So after watching the movie again and some internet surfing, I was able to come up with a pretty good representation:
For something seemingly simple, it did take a while to stitch up. I can't wait to get another one made and hung up next to our front door!
I also had a request for someone's massage business. She incorporates a wrench into her logo (body repair) and wanted to combine the wrench with her dog, Hank, who is a Boston Terrier. This is what I came up with:
This request was for a penguin and a Fuck Cancer piece, that is actually a combination of patterns by Julie Jackson. I chose to do the Linux penguin and gently censored the Fuck Cancer piece on request.
I also re-stitched one of my more offensive pieces to swap with someone. I love this piece because it's so pretty and so funny. :)
I have patterns and pieces for the Evil Dead sampler and the Ass piece on my Etsy.
So I guess this is what I'm doing now full time. I spend anywhere from four to nine hours a day stitching and/or creating patterns. I finally emailed my family about my career change and sent them a link to my Etsy shop. My dad is the only one who said anything. He told me that he is really impressed with my stitching and said my mom would have been really proud of me. That's the best thing he could have ever said to me. I was worried that he would be disappointed in me but he's so supportive. My mom was pretty handy with a needle and she made me this before she died: (It's the big alphabet sampler.)
That's all I needed to hear to know that I'm on the right path. My dad is awesome and I love him a lot. I just hope he doesn't log back onto my Etsy now that I put up the Ass pattern. Heh.
That's what's up in my stitching world. Next up is an art piece for the Gay for Eagles show in North Carolina. My first art show. I need to get stitching!
Take care everyone...tschus.
PS
I just noticed that someone added the Evil Dead sampler to an Etsy treasury called The Farm House. I don't think they know my cute little cabin is from a horror movie. Heh.
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