Wish I Had Known

WARNING: If easily embarrassed about female anatomy, pregnancy, crass language, please skip this blog post.

I am about two-thirds of the way through my first pregnancy. Since I didn't want to scare myself and crank up the anxiety meter any more than it already naturally is, I didn't read up much on pregnancy.

However, there are a few things I wish I had known before I got pregnant. I've decided to compile a list. Feel free to add your own "wish I had knowns" to the comments. *I reserve the right to add to the list after I complete the remaining three months.

1. Forget the toes, where's my junk?

I always heard cute stories about how a pregnant woman's belly grows so big that she can no longer see her toes. What I didn't seem to realize was that everything is overshadowed by the belly before the toes are affected. One day I looked down and screamed, "I can't see my genitalia!!!"

If you are a woman who regularly grooms the bikini area, you'll soon realize that you can no longer see your junk to trim. Wtf. Unless you are willing to pay someone to trim your hedges, you may have to get used to a '70's bush.

2. Acne...EVERYWHERE.

Oh my god, it's like being a teenager times 100. My skin looks like a cooked, cheese pizza. My face is oily, and my chest, back and scalp are also. I've never had a back-ne problem this bad in my life. I feel like a preggo Pizza the Hut.

3. Delicate flower vs. Preg-zilla

Everyone treats a pregnant lady like they are going to break. Sometimes I feel delicate, like an egg on the edge of a table. But some days I feel like I could crush someone's wind pipe with my bare hands. I did threaten to shove dog shit down a neighbor kids's throat but later I found out the the kid is indeed a little bastard and probably deserved it. However no shit was ever inserted into said bastards mouth. As of today, no one has been seriously harmed, maimed, or disfigured by me and I have not shattered into a million pieces. *I reserve the right to also amend this statement.

4. Body hair

Yes, it's true that hormones and vitamins make your hair grow thicker and faster. But I didn't think of my body hair in this little tidbit of information. It's everywhere and it's growing faster than the alien green moss that took over Stephen King in Creepshow.

My stomach, toes, ass crack....there is no sexiness left.

But yes, my mane is long and thick, if not more unruly then it was before. If I take the time to style it, it looks quite nice. But I'm too damn tired most days and it normally looks oily and flat on top while bushy on the bottom. Nice. I'm also paranoid that it's getting thinner on the top. I'm scared one day I'll wake up to look like Cookie the Clown. *shudder*

5. Morning sickness isn't like it is in the movies.

So those scenes in movies where the actress has morning sickness? She feels ill, runs to the restroom, pukes and goes back to work. Yeah. Fucking. Right. I am fortunate not to have vomited a lot but when I did, it was as if my whole body threw up, not just my stomach. The heartburn was incredible! My stomach cramped so hard during the retching that I pissed myself. There was no control over my body anymore. I was too sick to even be humiliated. I'm just happy I didn't also shit myself.

And I didn't have a wave of nausea and then feel better. It lasted all day. I lost almost 10 lbs. Ginger ale and crackers do help however. I learned to just eat whatever the fuck didn't offend my sense of smell or awaken the Satan-stomach. Most days it was Ritz crackers and cheddar cheese.

6. Everyone will treat you like you're stupid so you might as well run with it.

Yep, the minute you get pregnant, people will treat you like you have no common sense, cannot take care of yourself and need constant advice on everything. Even if you didn't have mush-brain, you might as well just act like you do. Play up the stupid, why not? While people are patronizing you and chastising your decisions, you can secretly plot their deaths. I liken it to Pinky and the Brain.

7. Bodily functions are no longer as embarrassing when expressed in public.

I've never been super flatulent so this is a new and uncomfortable change. I try to contain myself in public whenever possible but let's face it. As months go by, there is less and less room in there. I've scared Patton with my farts, poor dog. And when you gotta go, you don't care if you are in the middle of the ghetto Mall of the Great Plains. You announce it, perhaps too loudly in the store, to your spouse that "I HAVE TO SHIT---NOW!" and you get to the bathroom ASAP.

Another movie metaphor to illustrate my point:



I'm going to stop here. Why stop at 7? My pregnant brain can't think anymore today. I'm sure more things will be added to this list as my belly continues to eclipse my feet. I leave you with a humorous parody by a woman who is 38 weeks along.



Tschus!