Invisible illnesses vs crazy

Well on top of the animal health and behavior issues, I have my own stuff going on. The Cold Virus From Hell is still taking its toll on me, making my sinuses feel like some mafia fuck filled them with cement before dumping me into a river. I managed to finally give it to Mr. Bex who is now unhappily resting in bed. How he managed to fight it off for over a week is amazing. I was probably passed it when I was hanging out in the pain clinic on a Tuesday and by Friday I was full blown sick.

I did manage to get scheduled for a sleep study which will occur soon. I'll get to hang out in my pajamas for about 20 hours. Electrodes + strangers + pajamas = uncomfortable weekend. I'm really interested in what my brain waves will show while I'm trying to sleep and nap. However there is that part of me that is afraid that once again, the tests will show nothing, or maybe just show a slight problem. Nothing definitive. So I'll be back in that grey area between figuring out what is causing my debilitating fatigue and bat-shit crazy.

I am not sure how many times I have wondered if this is all in my head and if I'm just a fucking hypochondriac. I am sure my family and acquaintances have thought as much. I attended my first board meeting for a local heritage group this week. This is the first time I've seen some of my professional contacts since I quit working. It was awkward to try to explain why I wasn't working as an archivist anymore. Of course I heard, "but you look so healthy!" I know I do. I know I look fine. I am glad that I look better than I feel because who wants to look like shit all the time? But on the flip side, I wish people could see the mental and physical pain I feel just once in a while. Not so they feel sorry for me but so they understand a little more. I don't want pity. Just try to know where I'm coming from and understand why I am not where you think I should be in life.

I also heard from my RA doctor who said in no way was the new medication causing me weight gain. But I was free to go off of it and see what happened. Well after having noticeable swelling in my legs for a day or so, I dropped about 4 lbs of water weight in the past week. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. I keep meaning to call back and see if they can try me out on the sulphur drugs but my short term memory is shot. I keep forgetting. Something else odd has happened since I started and then quit the drug. My period was extremely light. I still had pain but nothing like before and no clotting. Wtf. Was it from the drug? Should I stay on it? Lighter periods but gaining a significant amount of water weight in a short period of time. Hmmm. Thank you universe for fucking with me further. I guess I'll see what happens next month. Maybe I'll be back to the same old, same old.

So right now I'm about to hit the hay. I have pain radiating from my ankles down into my toes. Earlier today I had abdominal pain, near my bladder, that had me walking hunched over as if someone was constantly punching me in the gut. I can hardly catch my breath from the congestion and our take-out supper caused me a time-out on the john with horrible intestinal cramps. I did manage a half-ass nap but it was strange. It felt like a huge weight was pushing me into the mattress because I was so exhausted yet I was on the brink of wakefulness the whole time. When I don't type this stuff out, it just seems like another normal day has passed. This is about how it is every day. Wow.

Yikes. Hopefully this next week will see an end to the Cold Virus From Hell so that at least I can get back to my daily walks. I'm also doing a little soul searching and am wondering if I shouldn't remove myself from another situation that is no longer satisfying and/or a positive.

Stay well everyone...tschus.