Oddly enough one of my emotions right now is that I miss working. I don't miss the commutes, the politics and all the other non-fun things, but I miss the history. I miss having my mind challenged and being a part of something. I am so fucking lonely that it's pathetic. I generally enjoy being a bit off by myself, having quiet time to think, read, stitch, etc. But sometimes you can get too much of a good thing.
And I have not been so great about sticking to our one-income budget. So I feel even more guilty if I drive around beyond what's necessary. Or want to go out to dinner or drive an hour to visit a friend. Every dollar counts and since I feel that I put us in this situation, I need to make these sacrifices. I'm scared that when I have a baby, it will be even harder for me to get out. I do try to make friends in the area but the one person who is about my age and has a young child refuses to talk to me because she's ashamed of herself after she got drunk and embarrassed herself several months ago. I'm over it but apparently she isn't. And frankly I'm tired of reaching out and trying to maintain or build friendships that give nothing back. One step forward, three steps back.
Thankfully my sister called the other night and it was great to hear all about her experiences and have her support. And it's nice to know I'm not the only woman in the family who drops F bombs like there is no tomorrow. We had a rocky relationship for much of my life. I think she tried very hard to watch over me when our mother died and I felt she was being very controlling and critical of me. Plus, she has a very impressive life and I've always been very intimidated by how successful she is. She is a great sister though and I'm so glad we have a really good relationship now.
For some time I've felt a bit sad because I can't work, I can't socialize anymore (due to lack of funds or lack of friends), I had to quit a volunteer group I really loved because I couldn't compete in the popularity contest anymore. And lately I've been too damn tired and sick to my stomach to do my stitching or clean house. So I feel like a blob in jeans, sitting in the house all day. Just existing but not living. What a loser! Soaking up money and not contributing a damn thing.
I know, stop the pity party already.
So in other news, I am sick to death about the Royal Wedding. I'm normally a romantic at heart but it's kind of hard to gear up a bunch of enthusiasm for the wedding of an obsolete figurehead. After seeing how the fresh-faced Dianna declined after her marriage to Charles and how fucking horribly she died, I don't see why anyone would be excited about seeing another beautiful, young woman marry into such a dysfunctional family. I've already seen an article about how the bride to be is dieting. This waifish woman feels the need to be even thinner. History repeats itself and this ain't starting out so hot. I don't envy her and wish her the best of luck. Maybe the old lady will knock off soon and the next generation can move forward. (I know, sounds horrible but that Mum chick sounds damn mean.)
All right, now that I've distracted myself from my real life by bitching about something completely inane, I can move on and try to clean the floors. I leave you with a Google image search of "Royal Wedding shit." Enjoy. Tschus. (PS: Don't worry about me. I'm venting and while I definitely feel shitty right now, the feelings will pass and all will be well. It always is.)
