Sunday musings

I'm not a big professional football fan. I was hoping the game was already on so I could hit the grocery store in peace. I guess half the town was there to pick up trays of sausages laden with bbq sauce, huge racks of pork ribs and vats of potato salad. I've never seen our little grocery store so crowded before. I was also surprised at the large families there. No, not large as in "fat", but in the amount of children. The mean size of each family was about 4-5 kids plus parents.

I also browsed through my Facebook page's suggestions lately on who I should befriend. There are quite a few people that I don't know but also a lot of people from high school. It's odd to see people from my youth all grown up, posing happily with their children on their profile pictures. My first reaction is "holy shit I can't believe all these people have kids already!" Then I remember that I've been out of high school for over fifteen years.

For almost eight years I was a full time step mom. The Kid is a young lady now and the farther she falls into her teenage years, the more alien she becomes. Teens are crazy human beings!! Google needs to come up with a teenager-to-adult translator on web pages. Cripes. It's hard maintaining a connection with her when she's so far away and at her age, the last thing she wants to do is talk on the phone with an "old" person. It makes me sad sometimes but I understand being a kid and wanting freedom.

I'm wondering if my step-mom years will be the only years I'll know as a parent? A family member recently asked me if I've given up on the idea of kids. Interesting question. I'm not really sure what to do anymore. I guess I have a few more years to decide and then I'm probably a bit too ripe to make a healthy kid anymore. Plus I really am not going to keep going through these surgeries. One more and it's time to prepare for the hysterectomy of DOOM.

Just an aside, I have noticed that when you put this stuff out there, you get a lot of judgement. Not just fertility but any medical issue. Go all natural, lose weight, try less, try harder, take more medications, take no medications, try standing on your head, worship Satan, cover your body in magnets and jump in a microwave, etc. You get the idea. I guess when you vent about this shit, people want to solve it for you. Because they care about you or are just incredible know-it-alls. I appreciate the offers of kind advice. I get tired of the pushy, judgmental types though.

So that leaves me back at the question, will we have children? I have no idea. I'm not even sure it's up to us anymore. We aren't trying right now. Maybe this fall we'll try again. I do get that gooey feeling whenever I'm out and see a little baby. I remember what it was like to teach a happy little kid how to tie her shoes and how to read. Watching the same annoying cartoon over and over again. Baking cookies together and cuddling on the couch. Yep, I'd like that feeling again but I recognize that it might not be in the cards for us.

I'm not sure really where I'm going with this post. It almost feels like I have to defend myself sometimes. Then again, I do put this out there for everyone to see. Want to guess how many times I've heard that the cure to all my problems lies in The Secret? Yeah, for the record, if I didn't have hope or a positive attitude in life, I would have given up a long time ago. Everyday I talk myself into getting out of bed and doing something wonderful, amazing and spectacular with my day. Sometimes it's amazing, wonderful and spectacular enough just to eat, bathe and take care of the animals and husband for a 24-hour period. I believe I am a wonderful person who deserves love, happiness and all good things that life has to offer. However, this Secret concept is pretty flawed. So although I believe in all good things in life, that I am worthy of good things, what can I blame my struggles on?

Here is what I think: Having a positive, can-do attitude enables and encourages you to go out and meet your goals. People who believe they can do something have a far greater chance of accomplishing that goal then a person who doesn't believe in the possibility and doesn't try. It's a great thing to feel good about yourself and believe in your potential. It's shitty to say that your life sucks or your health is shit or you got raped and beaten because you don't put out enough good vibes. Life is more of a yin yang: with the good you have the bad. Good and Evil. Light and Dark. Positive and Negative. It's all about a balance. I have autoimmune disease and chronic pain issues. However my whole life is not crappy. My mother did not die a painful death of cancer because she didn't think enough happy thoughts. Sometimes shit happens and we won't know the who or why or how or wtf until we pass on from this world to the next. Plus, I'm pretty sure The Secret didn't bring anyone millions except for the author of the book.

Anyways, it's time to bake banana bread. Or should I think really intensely about banana bread until it magically appears before me? Heh, sorry. Off I go, tschus.